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« Soap Blog Coalition | Main | To Be Fair, The Fair So Far Is Fairly Amusing »

September 03, 2009

I'm Running Out of Room on My "Dead To Me" List

At the very top of my "Dead To Me" list is, predictably, the AMC writing staff, accompanied by an eight paragraph annotation detailing the myriad reasons they are dead to me.

Today, I was able to add to the list, "because they are incapable of writing sympathetic characters" and "because they made me sympathize with David Hayward". The latter is especially galling and makes me feel dirty, but, nefarious as he may be, he has a point about the citizens of Pine Valley being sanctimonious, hypocritical and awful.

D.A. Willis: Ms. Colby, they faked their child's death. Hid him from his biological father. The number of laws broken, not to mention the countless people involved, two of whom I believe I'm looking at. All of you hid that baby.

Liza, the one who ran away with Colby: We were hiding him from David Hayward.

D.A. Willis: I understand.

Liza, who also faked a pregnancy for literally no reason: Do you? Really?

D.A. Willis: I'm well aware of Dr. Hayward's colorful history, ok, but--

Tad, the one who buried a man alive: Colorful? That's generous.

D.A. Willis: But it doesn't change the fact that he has rights. Rights which were stripped from him in every way possible.

Their entire justification for this half-cocked, certifiable dead baby/pillow baby/fake foster baby triple whammy comes down to "But it's David Hayward and he sucks. Why do you not understand this, legal system?" Like, did they expect Willis to say, "David HAYWARD? I thought you meant a different David. David Hayward should obviously be put to death, just on principle"?


All My Children is much more bearable if you simply focus on how pretty the people are on screen and not on what they are saying.

I recommend putting the show on mute and making up your own storylines. It's really the only way to watch the show without running the risk of destroying your television.

Saying "but it's David Hayward" was enough for me. I could never feel sorry for David. What they did to him was no worse than he's done to others. He helped comceal the fact that Miranda was alive from Bianca, someone he was supposedly friendly with. He helped Dixie hide from Tad, left him mourning the lost of a wife and child for years. He caused Emma to be placed in foster care by having Tad and Dixie think that Emma was Kate. Just to stick it to Tad, AGAIN. This was just karma. Too bad the idiots weren't able to pull it off. Has anyone noticed how dumbed-down the other Pine Valley characters have become since David's return?

Mary, don't forget about the shenanigans he pulled to try to cause JR to lose custody of Little A. I know I should feel some sympathy for David, but given that he's shown himself perfectly willing to separate other children from their (loving, devoted) parents indefinitely for his own ends, I can't really muster up the energy.

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