Serial Drama

I'm Unhappy Just To Dance With You

When I first learned of the AMC dance marathon, I naturally thought it was a terrible idea,since I have the misfortune of watching this show during the Carruthers/Pratt era, and am all too familiar with the knowledge that terrible is effortless for them. I was, however, hopeful that it would at least be terrible. You know, the "so wrong, it's right" kind of bad where you're afraid to miss a minute because of how campy or over-the-top or ridiculously awful it could be. And this had the potential to be all of those things at once, what with the dancing and the distressing fact that basically none of these people can dance (Vincent Irizarry. OH EM GEE. I wanted to look away out of respect for him, but I couldn't stop watching. He has so little rhythm that it's hypnotic) and...it's a freaking dance marathon that will last two weeks, written and produced by hacks of the highest order. How could that NOT be awesomely bad?

Well, it turns out that even when you expect the show to hit rock bottom in terms of quality, it still surprises you, because this dance marathon is not addictively bad, it's merely dreadfully dull.

Yes, there is the added ludicrous element of all of these people (including Trevor David Jr., because a dance-a-thon is a perfectly reasonable place for a baby to be hanging out, and excluding Kendall, who is in her secret hole in the wall whipping herself into a territorial frenzy) in the same place, dancing for charity, but that is ALL that is different about the show. Other than the new setting and the added bonus of Tad roaming around playing oh-so-hilarious emcee, all we're doing is rehashing the same stories that we've been rehashing for weeks while the writers drag their feet and take their sweet time deciding how to resolve any of these plots. Liza is still all over Zach, Kendall is still jealous of Liza, Amanda still has RIDICULOUS plans, Ryan is still suspicious of Annie and Randi is still a pretty mannequin--oh, sorry, I meant she's still haunted by what happened with Henry. Didn't we all get that at the beginning of August? Can this show do ANYTHING right?

Soap Blog Coalition

Daytime Confidential's Jillian Bowe dishes the latest The Bold and the Beautiful spoilers. What could be in store for everyone's favorite Forresters and Logans? (Daytime Confidential)

General Hospital's Nikolas and Liz had sex, and then Liz accepted Lucky's marriage proposal. It was enough to make the Serial Drama girls completely speechless, which is why they are turning to you to fill in the blanks and describe what the writers were thinking. (Serial Drama)

There is a god or goddess for just about every human affection and despite the fact that the soaps goddess has never been documented by anyone contributing to Wikepedia, Mary Montanari simply know she exists. (Soap Opera Examiner)

One Life to Live's Nick, Nicholas Rodriguez, went "On The Record" with We Love Soaps in the first of a new video series.  (We Love Soaps)

Find out why the Wubqueen is suffering from Post-Traumatic Carnival Syndrome. (Wubs)

You Take The Good, You Take The Bad...

The Young and the Restless does so much right, but when they do wrong, it's...it's like wrong on steroids.

Knowing what is coming up the rest of the week, I am going to have a lot more to say about Colleen's kidnapping (A LOT more, and I will do my best to write in English, rather than the unintelligible hysteria that I feel coming on), but I have to ask: REALLY?

This whole debacle is so half-assed that it calls to mind Bob Guza. Patty didn't even TRY to tie Colleen tightly. Yes, I know Crazy Patty is armed and dangerous and also insane, but there were about eight different times that Colleen could have slipped out of that rope and pranced away. But now, she sat there and whined so much that Patty gagged her...except the gag was pretty much hanging out of Colleen's mouth and she had to physically bite down on it to make it work. Yes, she gagged herself to help out the neighborhood psychopath.

So that boatload of contrivance was bad enough, but then Patty gets a spider bite and instead of running the hell out of there with Patty's gun, Colleen dawdled and stuck around to make sure that Patty was okay. REALLY? And now she's paddling away on a canoe in the dark.

Again, REALLY?

I'm seriously interested in knowing if this was, like, mandated by the network. I'm not sure why a network would require their shows to actively try and defy logic in at least ten different ways per episode, but it's the only explanation I've come up with.

(Another way that logic has been pummeled and assaulted? Lily's hair situation.

Uh, we're not supposed to see the massive amount of hair she has under her ginormous head scarves, people)

The Colleen ordeal has been good for some prime Peter Bergman/Beth Maitland goodness (raise your hand if you'd watch a show just with the two of them acting the hell out of random scenes! BRB, writing a pitch to the networks)

but we've had to slog through a whole lot of silly and unreal to get it. Is it just me? Because I do tend to get testy when it's rainy, so maybe I am being overly bitter.  

In Which We Turn To Mad Libs To Make Sense Of This Show

I literally have no words.

Except OMFG LIZ HAD SEX WITH NIKOLAS

And OMFG SHE THEN ACCEPTED LUCKY'S PROPOSAL.

Lucky: I love you, Elizabeth, I always have. And I always will. I want you to marry you because I know this: we can make it last.

Liz: I think we should get the counseling, to work on us, to figure out what comes next.

Lucky: Does that mean...?

Liz: Yes. Yes, I'll marry you. 

So I turn to you, dear readers, and ask you to make sense of this ridiculous show for me by filling in the blanks:

The [ADJECTIVE] General Hospital writers made the [ADJECTIVE] decision to have Liz and Nikolas [VERB]  and then had Liz (who is acting completely [ADJECTIVE]) accept Lucky's proposal because the [ADJECTIVE] writing staff is filled with [ADJECTIVE] [NOUN]s who wouldn't know quality if it [VERB]ed them in the [BODY PART]. This [ADJECTIVE] show is [SYNONYM FOR WRETCHED]. If I were Sonny Corinthos, I would [SONNYESQUE ACT OF VIOLENCE] to/at it. But, thankfully, I am not Sonny Corinthos (although right now, I am enjoying Sonny more than Nikolas which is a(n) [ADJECTIVE] turn of events that reminds me that when these [ADJECTIVE] writers put their minds to it, they can ruin anything) and instead will settle for [MORE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE WAY OF VENTING  ANGER].

Generally Unhospitable

Is it just me, or is EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD irritating today? Maybe it's because a cat decided to entertain the neighborhood last night with an odd mixture of howling, screeching and what sounded like weeping, which led to very few moments of sleep and very many moments fantasizing about pulling a Betty Draper, but I have spent the better part of the day in a constant state of aggravation. This means that I've been doing a lot of pouting and eyerolling about everything, including, but not limited to: Kanye West, the inexplicable media coverage of the Gosselins, the person at the mall who took up two parking spaces, Mike Isabella from Top Chef: Las Vegas (he's even more irksome in repeats), the fifth season premiere of How I Met Your Mother being next week and not tonight like I had originally thought and the cost of gas.

I tried very hard to focus on the positive: it's the beginning of autumn, which always makes me happy, most likely due to the necessity for both cardigans and fall flavored hot lattes! And it almost worked, too, except that I turned on General Hospital and, within minutes, was confronted with something that makes me feel dirty and ashamed.

Nikolas: Perhaps Ethan feels you should stay here at the hospital with Edward.
Ethan: That happens to be true. But Ethan can speak for himself.

I actually rooted for Ethan in a situation. Yes, it was half-hearted rooting, since Nikolas is awful these days, but I rooted for him nonetheless. Please don't shun me!

That was an omen of things to come. OBNOXIOUS things to come.

LIZ: OBNOXIOUS

My love for Liz is well-documented, but it is so hard sometimes to watch her without actively wishing for someone, even a nameless extra, to walk onscreen and throttle her, shouting "Are you for real, woman? What the hell is wrong with you?" and exiting, hopefully having knocked some sense into her.  

Elizabeth: Yeah, i know. It's a problem. But the love, the insanely romantic, swept away by passion kind of love just isn't... It's not there anymore. But it is for him. And I just want him to be happy, so maybe I should marry him.

I cannot believe that she had such a ridiculous idea, decided to verbalize it and then made it through the sentence without choking on her words or bursting into laughter at how patently insane it is. 

Look, I am a people pleaser (I know that is shocking, considering my often sour disposition, but it's true!), and I realize that it's easy to just do things to make someone else happy, but marriage is not one of those things!

And it's especially maddening that Lucky asked her, point-blank, how she felt.

Lucky: Elizabeth, you know how I feel about you. Unless you don't feel the same way about me. Elizabeth, if you don't love me, just...I just need to hear you say it.

She didn't even awkwardly change the subject or feign a coughing fit to get out of the conversation! No, she said:

Elizabeth: Lucky... Never question my love for you. You're my first love, my kids' father. You have been my anchor since we were teenagers. My life doesn't make sense without you in it.

ARGH!

And yes, if Lucky were at all perceptive, he would realize that her darting eyes and panicked face and the way she kept grasping at past transgressions to prove why this is a terrible idea meant that she wasn't on board with this, but...it's Lucky "I'm Bob Guza's lobotomized whipping boy" Spencer, here! He's not so good with subtext. He sometimes needs to be spoken to slowly, with short words.  

Elizabeth: Ok, Lucky. I am so honored that you want to marry me, and I want to give your proposal the thoughtful consideration it deserves.

"And I'm going to do that at Wyndemere. With Nikolas. Naked".

How Many Lives To Live Again?

This was a pretty action-packed 4-day week in Llanview and, given that I'm 95% spoiler-free, a surprising one at that.  We had kidnappings, shootings, rescues, surgeries, homecomings, inflatable boats, stolen kisses and, most importantly, Brody In A Wetsuit.

I am not sure which Broadway musical comedy John-Paul Lavoisier thinks he's performing in, but I hope I can find some discount tickets for it somewhere.  There's nothing better than a musical comedy about children with leukemia and aunts who endanger their lives and who try to date-rape their ex-boyfriends.  Who wants to join me in the TKTS line?  Leukemia Shenanigans and Vegas Strippers, The Musical!

We all knew Stacy would end up preggers anyway, right?  That wasn't much of a surprise to me, but it irked me anyway since this storyline ran its course long, long ago.  (Some would say it ran its course the second it started, but I thought there were moments of potential in there, and I do enjoy the addition of Kim, but overall it's been tedious and is chock-full of actors who aren't up to the task.  Scott Clifton deserves better.)  I do love the way Carlivati intertwines the storylines through the characters so that there's never anything happening in a void, so I will reluctantly say the one good thing about this is the potential it holds for Fish.  But how awesome was it that Gigi just kept toting that pregnancy test box around town?

Now if anyone's annoyed by the whole timing-of-the-pregnancy issue, just remind yourself that Stacy and Kim are trying to trick Rex and Gigi.  These are two of the dumbest people alive.  No problem-o.

19th Nervous Breakdown

It seems that each and every Pine Valley resident is well on his or her way to a spectacular mental breakdown. This is wholly unsurprising, since the character arc of each and every Pine Valley resident has been "Bad stuff happens, badly. And then comes the terrible stuff!" since Charles Pratt's writing began in earnest. Naturally a mental break is the next logical step! But must they happen all at once?

RANDI is TORTURED by her betrayal of Frankie/maybe murdering North/losing her baby/losing the baby that she found in an alley and is driven to moping blankly!

FRANKIE is TORTURED by Randi turning to Jesse for guidance with these issues and is driven to drinking martinis at the casino with Madison!

SCOTT is TORTURED by steamy thoughts of his uncle's future wife, and copes by wandering around their mansion in his underwear!

KENDALL is TORTURED by being imprisoned by Zach in lieu of being imprisoned by a federal penitentiary for a crime that she did not commit, and passionately kisses Zach!

ZACH is TORTURED by something Kendall related, and responds to her kiss by full-body shuddering!

AMANDA is TORTURED because her life is a mess completely of her own making, and is sad and silent!

MALLORY is TORTURED by this show and is thisclose to chucking her television out the window!

Soap Blog Coalition

Daytime Confidential's Jillian has been pondering the wonderful world of soap operas and compiled 21 questions to ponder, including: "When will Agnes Nixon start playing with her Chuckie doll to save AMC?" (Daytime Confidential)

His cruel and condescending treatment of poor Paul has led the Serial Drama girls to wonder if there is anyone worse than Victor Newman (short answer: no).  (Serial Drama)

Soap Opera Examiner's Mary Montanari weighs in on the Daytime Emmy Award's Guiding Light tribute, in an open letter to its creator Michael Fairman. (Soap Opera Examiner)

This Could Be the End of a Beautiful Friendship

Mallory and I have had a good run with our little co-blogging mutual admiration society.  But soon, I fear, it will all end.  What have I done to bring about this potentially tragic break-up?  Well, I returned from vacation over the long weekend and had to watch three weeks' worth of my shows (I propose it as an alternative to minimum security federal prison, as I'm certain the soaps-related sanction is more of a deterrent), and while going through the General Hospital episodes have been peppering Mal with emails along the lines of "Jason is so hot!"  "I am totally crushing on Steve Burton right now!"  "Jason and Sam are fab together!" 

Mallory has been relatively patient -- she did, after all, post on Friday that Sonny was nearing "adorable" (and she's right, but that is a confession for a different day), so she HAD to cut me a little slack -- but I know her patience is wearing thin.  I fully expect to attempt to sign on to blog tomorrow and find that she has changed the passwords and posted an update informing you of my institutionalization.  Which might actually happen and not just be a bitchy diversion!  Jason-love sends people over the edge.  I know, because I've deleted the expletive-filled nonsensical comments of those who have ventured into that territory.

Finding Steve Burton appealing in and of itself is not an actionable offense.  He is handsome, and if you are around my age, you could easily have fallen for him as Evie's surfer boyfriend on Out of This World, and later swooned when he was the adorable med student Jason Quartermaine, on GH back when watching it was a reward for getting through a day of college classes as opposed to a punishment for...I don't know, still watching soaps?  But that was back when Antonio Sabato Jr. wasn't a skeevy dating reality show contestant -- they were truly better, innocent times. (Speaking of which, purely as an excuse to use these links, both Antonio and Steve posed in Calvin Klein briefs!) (Side note:  Google image searching for those also produced this.  Never before has the phrase "LOL forever" escaped my fingertips, but come on, it is appropriate here.)

Now many years later, of course, Jason is a Morgan and a hitman.  He kills people for money.  Offs mofos for cash.  Terminates dudes for dollars.  I will stop now.  But you get the point:  Jason Morgan is gross.  He has moments of decency, like when he's talking to certain Quartermaines or making fun of Spinelli, but in general it's hard to root for a hero-slash-hitman.  Especially when he's single.  When Jason doesn't have a girlfriend/fiancee/fake wife, we're just left with his horrible job, and it's easy to forget why you care whether he lives or dies.  And for the last year or so, Jason has been woman-less.  How you still claim to be running a damned soap opera when your leading man doesn't get any for many months on end is beyond me, but then I am confused by many soap-related things (see also Emmys, The Daytime).

But here's the thing:  Steve Burton makes me buy every single relationship Jason is in.  (Okay, I never liked him with Courtney, but nobody -- absent perhaps shut-ins and others with severe emotional problems -- liked anything associated with Courtney.  That dog she saved from the Port Charles Hotel fire was cute, but that is as far as I go.  That wench was odious and I hatehatehated her.  Bless you, monkey virus!)  ANYWAY.  Seriously, I have enjoyed, at least much of the time, every romantic relationship Jason has been in:  Robin, Sam, Elisabeth...even Carly.  CARLY, for god's sake!  Jason should always be in a relationship, because when he is, he's sexy.  Yeah, I SAID IT.  Jason is sexy.  Jason the unrepentant hitman is sexy. 

"Edward Puts Many Lives In Jeopardy"

That, according to Tivo, was the synopsis of today's General Hospital. 

"ABC Puts Many GH Writers' Jobs in Jeopardy."

That is the synopsis of the soap opera in my head.  It's the old-fashioned kind of soap opera -- you know, silly and outlandish and like a fairy tale.

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