The Curious Death of Colleen Carlton
If there were some sort of governing body that regulated the production of soap opera storylines and I became its leader after a well-organized and awesome slogan-filled campaign, one of the very first soap plots I would banish would be killing off a young character from an important family for kicks.
BECAUSE I AM SO DONE WITH THIS.
Killing off Colleen was a TERRIBLE idea. Not quite as terrible as murdering Georgie Jones and Emily Quartermaine in the same heinous sweeps story, but terrible nonetheless! Yes, she was a nonentity for the past year or so. And yes, she was, more often than not during her time on the show, completely pointless. And YES, Tammin Sursok was such an awful recast that "Tammin Suresucks" quickly became the third most popular keyword search leading people to Serial Drama. But she's Traci Abbott and Brad Carlton's daughter and that alone should be enough for her and her heavily accented portrayer* to be written off the show by leaving town, or being in a coma, not killing her off! That's exploitative and lazy and I am trying and failing to see the point of it all.
*Really, as soon as Tammin Sursok realized she was out, she completely stopped even attempting to hide the accent. It was so blatant that I expected her to start peppering her dialogue with Aussie slang just to show how completely over it she was.
Wednesday's episode ended with Colleen finding her canoe salvation, and Thursday's began with her underwater. Was there a reason they couldn't show her falling out of the canoe onscreen? That seems like something I'd want to see. Well, not really want to see, but we're treated to painstaking details about Amber and Daniel's existence, is it really asking too much to see for ourselves how Colleen wound up underwater? UGH, LAZY.
So after being held hostage, and getting away through dumb (very dumb) luck, and finding a canoe, Colleen is eventually thwarted by a capsized canoe trapping her underwater and causing her to hit her head, which really just seems silly. I don't know if watching General Hospital has given me a case of blood lust or something, but wouldn't it have been more dramatic if Patty had actually shot her? Managing to drown after she ruined a dozen chances to get away is laaame.
Anyway, during the sixty minutes that it took her to die, she was sent off to a technicolor dream land and visited by her friends and family and Kevin, and they urged her to come back to them.
It was exactly as cheesy as it sounds.On the plus side, she didn't speak at all, so at least she ended her tenure on a high note.
Dream Lily did not try to hide her eight pounds of hair under a flimsy scarf which was helpful, in that I wasn't distracted with the giggles during her speech
but she could only manage cheap cliches for her bestie.
Lily: Every day, every second. Part of me is terrified. I'm not ready to die, not when there are so many things I haven't even done yet. And you know what I mean, because you're not ready, either. But I am fighting. I'm fighting, just like you said. Do you remember what you told me? That whatever the odds are, don't give up. And so I am telling you to fight, because there's no other way.
Yeah, Colleen hears that and is all, "You're right, I want to live so that I can sit and hear you yammer about yourself some more".
Kevin was predictably annoying
Kevin: Man, did I screw up for what I tried to do to you. You had every reason to hate me, and you did hate me, for a really, really long time. But finally, you got to a place where you were able to treat me like a human being, when I wasn't even sure that's what I was. You wouldn't let the hate you had inside make you as broken as I was back then. You forgave me. I'm not broken anymore, Colleen, and partly, that's because of you. I was this monster. And you turned me into a friend. You know what that means, don't you? It means there is nothing that you can't make happen.
Also annoying: Kevin and Jana worrying about Colleen and reassuring themselves that they weren't as bad as they once were when they both, separately, tried to kill her. Nice sentiment, blahblahpeoplechangeblah, but it ate up a lot of screentime.
JT came for a visit and Thad Luckinbill should asked to be filmed in front of this setting as often as possible, because he looked hotter than he has looked in ages.
I enjoyed the reminiscing about their relationship, even if it is weird to remember that they were once together, since JT is now boring and married to Victoria, and Colleen is vapid and Australian. But back in the day, they were quite sweet, so I liked the shoutout.
Billy: Cock your head and say, "Okay, Uncle Billy," with that sassy smile of yours.
There came a point in the episode when I was only half paying attention, because even at her best, Colleen was not worthy of a dozen characters fawning over how wonderful she is, but when Billy said that, I misheard it as "with that sexy smile of yours" and I full body shuddered.
I shuddered yet again at her vision of Victor who, even when someone's spirit is dying, manages to be a dick of the highest order:
Victor: She's not some fragile flower. She understands. I can see it in her eyes. She isn't too proud of some of the things she has done.
I want him dead, but more on that later.
Seeing John was a nice touch
and a reminder that this senseless death is one of many senseless deaths in Genoa City but the best moment was when Brad came to take Colleen. I, of course, teared up. This is either because it was a genuinely moving moment or because I am even sappier than I thought I was, but still: sniffles.
But overall: cheesy and pointless! What will the repercussions of Colleen's death be? I see a few days of mourning in the immediate future, a few amazing Beth Maitland scenes and then the name Colleen will be dropped from Genoa City forever, except when it is needed as part of a list of the many sins of Jack Abbott, because there is no way this Patty Jane shit gets blamed on anybody but Jack.
And then there's Old Vic, who becomes exponentially worse whenever he opens his mouth to smugly mumble. It's like, I think I hate him and then he says something and I realize that what I had before was merely mild dislike to the white hot hatred I have for him now.
Victor: I pledged my resources to the search. Authorities will have all the assistance they need.
To quote Christian Bale, "Ohhhhhh, good for you!" You bring a psychopath to town to help you in the latest battle you're waging on the same person you've been fighting for decades, she winds up poisoning your grandchild, killing your dog and now kidnapping a young woman and you "pledge your resources" to help find her, like you're totally even now? How fucking generous of you!
Every time that he smugly looked at Jack and Jack's TRUTHFUL allegations like Jack was crazy, I prayed for a Pet Semetary homage and for zombie Zapato to run into the ranch and attack his former owner.
Victor: How dare you come into my home and make accusations? You know nothing. You have no damn proof, do you?
Jack: Proof that you brought Patty Williams to town to kill me. It must scare the living crud out of you that it's all about to come to light.
Victor: Are you the victim in this, Jack, or what?
Jack: Oh, you slapped a bull's-eye on my forehead and sent an unstable psychopath in my direction. What do you call it?
Victor: Why don't you and I do something, Jack Abbott? You take your sins and crimes, I take my sins and crimes, and we put them on a table, let them lie next to each other, and we'll compare them. And then we'll see who's left standing. How's that?
Victor: You come to my home and vomit garbage about your family, how much you love them and protect them. You are the one who manipulated Colleen to assume that seat on the board of directors. She was not qualified for that, and you knew it. She was in way over her head. You watched her sink. You didn't do a damn thing, did you?... Don't you come into my home and talk to me about family love and family values, you got that?
You know what I've got, Victor? LOATHING. How on earth is giving Colleen her rightful seat on the board of directors AT ALL comparable to what Victor has done with Patty? And right now Colleen is missing and he won't even take a second out of his busy schedule to even pretend to feel remorse or, at the very least, mere concern for his wife's missing niece.
I think, and this is a very serious statement I am about to make, but: I think I hate him more than Sonny Corinthos and Ryan Lavery. Like, the seething hatred Jack had throughout their confrontation?
That is a pitch perfect imitation of my facial expression whenever Victor is onscreen. The hatred burns!