The Horror! The Horror!
I cannot even.
Once today's All My Children ended and I mustered up enough energy to close my mouth, which had fallen open in an expression of slack-jawed horror, I tried to think of how to describe the events that transpired in the episode's last few minutes, not because I relish the opportunity to talk about the events that transpired because, in all honesty, I'd rather repress the memory, even if it required being administered some heavy duty narcotics, but I feel it necessary to provide a written record of being a witness to one of the most profoundly disturbing television events of all time.
Obviously, I could call for the usual "EW", "WTFNoooooooooo!" "glurg", "I just threw up in my mouth" and "If there were a bottle of Clorox sitting next to me while I watched the show, I would have used it to blind myself", but those don't quite do it justice.
Or I could wonder how much ABC will inevitably charged by the FCC for broadcasting such filth. If Janet Jackson's Superbowl nipple got a $550,000 fine, I figure this would easily garner a million, if not more.
Or I could "congratulate" Charles Pratt on besting General Hospital and The Young and the Restless in the sweepstakes for "Most Vile Coupling", taking the title from Claudia and Sonny, and Victor and Ashley, respectively, but I am uncomfortable offering Charles Pratt congratulations of any kind, even if they are purely sarcastic, because you just know he is the type who doesn't get sarcasm and would happily take it as a real compliment.
OR I could mention that Ryan and Erica...Ryan and Ericaing completely got me over my shock and dismay over the liaison that happened on last night's Mad Men, but, surprising and strange as that hookup was (I'm keeping it vague so as not to spoil any people who have not seen it yet, but for those of you who have: ???, amirite?), it didn't make me actively want to injure myself, while Ryan and Erica...Ryan and Ericaing had me attempting to MacGyver two pens, a few paper clips and a piece of gum into a machete.
This may sound melodramatic, but the best way to describe the end of today's show is: MY SOUL DIED. I'm so sorry that its last moments were so upsetting.
After the jump, a clip, for those who dare!
The frenzied making out! The touching! The mounting! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!