This Could Be the End of a Beautiful Friendship
Mallory and I have had a good run with our little co-blogging mutual admiration society. But soon, I fear, it will all end. What have I done to bring about this potentially tragic break-up? Well, I returned from vacation over the long weekend and had to watch three weeks' worth of my shows (I propose it as an alternative to minimum security federal prison, as I'm certain the soaps-related sanction is more of a deterrent), and while going through the General Hospital episodes have been peppering Mal with emails along the lines of "Jason is so hot!" "I am totally crushing on Steve Burton right now!" "Jason and Sam are fab together!"
Mallory has been relatively patient -- she did, after all, post on Friday that Sonny was nearing "adorable" (and she's right, but that is a confession for a different day), so she HAD to cut me a little slack -- but I know her patience is wearing thin. I fully expect to attempt to sign on to blog tomorrow and find that she has changed the passwords and posted an update informing you of my institutionalization. Which might actually happen and not just be a bitchy diversion! Jason-love sends people over the edge. I know, because I've deleted the expletive-filled nonsensical comments of those who have ventured into that territory.
Finding Steve Burton appealing in and of itself is not an actionable offense. He is handsome, and if you are around my age, you could easily have fallen for him as Evie's surfer boyfriend on Out of This World, and later swooned when he was the adorable med student Jason Quartermaine, on GH back when watching it was a reward for getting through a day of college classes as opposed to a punishment for...I don't know, still watching soaps? But that was back when Antonio Sabato Jr. wasn't a skeevy dating reality show contestant -- they were truly better, innocent times. (Speaking of which, purely as an excuse to use these links, both Antonio and Steve posed in Calvin Klein briefs!) (Side note: Google image searching for those also produced this. Never before has the phrase "LOL forever" escaped my fingertips, but come on, it is appropriate here.)
Now many years later, of course, Jason is a Morgan and a hitman. He kills people for money. Offs mofos for cash. Terminates dudes for dollars. I will stop now. But you get the point: Jason Morgan is gross. He has moments of decency, like when he's talking to certain Quartermaines or making fun of Spinelli, but in general it's hard to root for a hero-slash-hitman. Especially when he's single. When Jason doesn't have a girlfriend/fiancee/fake wife, we're just left with his horrible job, and it's easy to forget why you care whether he lives or dies. And for the last year or so, Jason has been woman-less. How you still claim to be running a damned soap opera when your leading man doesn't get any for many months on end is beyond me, but then I am confused by many soap-related things (see also Emmys, The Daytime).
But here's the thing: Steve Burton makes me buy every single relationship Jason is in. (Okay, I never liked him with Courtney, but nobody -- absent perhaps shut-ins and others with severe emotional problems -- liked anything associated with Courtney. That dog she saved from the Port Charles Hotel fire was cute, but that is as far as I go. That wench was odious and I hatehatehated her. Bless you, monkey virus!) ANYWAY. Seriously, I have enjoyed, at least much of the time, every romantic relationship Jason has been in: Robin, Sam, Elisabeth...even Carly. CARLY, for god's sake! Jason should always be in a relationship, because when he is, he's sexy. Yeah, I SAID IT. Jason is sexy. Jason the unrepentant hitman is sexy.
Before you ask, YES, I hate that I ever like Jason. It's totally giving in to this stupid show and its warped morals and playing into the hands of a twisted writing team that has taken a once-great soap and turned it into televisual torture that I watch only because I have to. They write Jason -- the hired killer -- as a practically infallible romantic lead, to the point where sometimes it would not surprise me if an animated halo appeared above his head. So obviously, I do not want to like Jason. But sometimes, Steve Burton selfishly forces me to! Truth be told, especially lately some of those times aren't even related to Jason having a girlfriend. His terror and relief/regret today when Jake was in danger and then rescued, with Jason forced to keep his distance, was genuinely moving. I have moved beyond my somewhat-acceptable-if-you-are-not-especially-judgmental position of thinking Jason is kind of hot when he is in a relationship to, GULP, honestly thinking that I might want to see Jason as a parent! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
There are things I do to talk myself down from these moments of affection. There is, of course, the hair. Remember 2007? Those were scary times indeed.
I was capable of saying "I have no idea why any woman finds Jason appealing" and meaning it! But then Steve Burton cut his hair and gave me not one but three reasons to find him endearing, plus then on Night Shift Jason was tolerable, and I don't know what's happened since then, but I have rarely if ever been able to muster a truly heartfelt anti-Jason rant. It's aggravating! And it's terribly unfair to Mallory, who must soldier on as the sole bearer of Jason Hate on this blog. Fortunately, she is excellent at it, but just because you're good at something doesn't mean that you should be the only one around you doing it. Just ask Awesome Writer.
Steve Burton was also indirectly responsible for the most horrifying Google search result in Serial Drama history: "jason morgan/spinelli slash." Sure, you have to define "indirectly" really, really broadly to make that person's sad and sick search remotely the fault of Mr. Burton, and if I blame him for that then I have to thank him for the laughs brought about by these:
- where did steve burton's neck go
- gh steve burton did he double in size?
- is jason morgan really a murderer
...but sometimes I'm willing to stretch to find reasons to talk myself out of being a fangirl!
Another excellent counterpoint to my moments of liking Jason is when weeks on end will go by without Steve Burton seeming to put even one iota of effort into his performance. Look, if I were on this show, I'm sure my morale would equalize with the quality level of the writing (below sea level), but "soap actor" is one of the better jobs around and he could at least pretend to care about earning his paycheck. He does it when he's in scenes with people like Kimberly McCullough, so he's totally capable of it. That's why the laziness of his frequent mediocrity is extra-annoying. Lately, though, Burton has consistently seemed engaged, in character, and even like he's having fun. It's incredibly confusing!
So none of these things are working now. Many weeks have gone by without me hating or even disliking Jason. Yesterday, I even laughed when he pulled his gun out to shoot at that bullseye at a children's carnival! This is getting serious, particularly when it is combined with Sonny also not being a complete asshole. I have to direct my rage at the horrible stories on this show somewhere, and Steve Burton and Maurice Benard are depriving me of my two favorite targets. How DARE they?
Oh, and as long as I'm putting all this out there, you might as well add this to the reasons you will from now on out question my judgment: I also love Michael. This new snotty version is a horrible teenager, but I dig that about him. I, in fact, adore him. Truly! He is one of my favorite characters on the show. He is also essentially a younger version of Jason Morgan. Coincidence? I think not.
In conclusion, I did sustain a minor head trauma on vacation (low-hanging birdhouse), but I'm pretty sure that is totally unrelated to this rambling, moderately insane, possibly co-blogger-relationship-ending post.