A Star Is Bored
While I have no factual basis for asserting that any of the stars of All My Children are bored, I am willing to wager that this entry's title is actually an understatement, if anything, because this poor group of actors has literally done nothing for the past few months but say the exact same lines of dialogue in every scene they are in, and if it is cripplingly boring for me to watch, can you imagine what it is like to have to constantly repeat those poorly written lines about hating Annie, or hating everyone who hates Annie, or Madison being a life ruiner, and whatnot? They probably lose little pieces of their soul each time they report to the set! I certainly lose little pieces of my soul each time I sit through a full episode which, to be perfectly honest, is rarer and rarer these days, as I've taken to fast forwarding maniacally when I'm disinterested. This led me to once finishing an episode in three minutes...
Ryan, to Annie: You lying, manipulating, twisted bitch.
Ryan was completely correct in his assessment of Annie, and I have described her underdeveloped, soap-crazy, overtanned self using those same terms, but that didn't stop me from reverting to a slightly hysterical first grader and shouting "Takes one to know one!", "I know you are, but what is Annie?", and "Oh, Ryan, why are you talking to yourself out loud?" at my television. I'm not proud.
There is just something about Ryan sneering at others in that hoarse, condescending voice he has that makes me want to stick my head in a microwave.
Far less anger-making, but still not entertaining was the JR/Marissa nuptials. First of all, it's nice to know that Pine Valley doesn't require anything like a marriage license, or multiple witnesses, for a wedding to be valid. Secondly, the two of them together are so dull that I can't even think of a hilarious way to describe their dullness. They are the living embodiment of the sound "meh".
Granted, there were two aspects of the story that got a response out of me. For one, I literally laughed out loud when Adam asked Marissa if she was sober. David Canary knows how to deliver a line.
And then there was Krystal in all her whiny, needy glory, bitching to Tad about how sad she is that they aren't a family, and moaning about how unfair it was of Marissa and JR to marry right around the first anniversary of Babe's death. These two getting married is many things. Like...creepy as hell (his dead wife's twin sister who he really hasn't known that long! E-W). But when she went on her "Does anyone but me remember that her baby-dolly holiness passed away a year ago?!?! WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE DEAD SKANKSAINT?!?!" monologue, I had to laugh. How could we possibly forget that when we hear about her all the freaking time? It's like she's still alive and still infecting us with her strains of various STDs.
I think today's episode also featured some Hubbard shenanigans that, regrettably, I could not watch all the way through because...I have a really hard time watching Denise Vasi try to emote. And I feel bad for saying that, because I'm sure she's a nice person, and she's so lovely, but it's painful. I lasted about three seconds in the brief snippet I saw of her today before I ran to my computer and started to set up a PayPal account to raise donations for acting lessons.
(Also, Madison isn't actually dead, right? So we're in for a few days of talking about her death and then having it turn out that she's alive, and then in for a few days of talking about how she's alive? "Can't wait!")