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« Our Column in the 10/6 Issue of Soap Opera Digest | Main | "Unfortunately, a brain is not a foot." »

October 01, 2009

James Franco heads to GH, and Our Heads Explode in 50 Different Ways

1. This morning, I got an email from news correspondent Beth R. saying that James Franco would be joining General Hospital.

2. Thinking I must have misread it, I leaned into take a closer look at my computer monitor.

3. It still said that James Franco would be joining General Hospital.

4. James Franco, the movie star.

Franco3_Out

5. General Hospital, the piece of crap airing at 3 PM on ABC.

6. I then asked, "My James Franco?"

7. (Yes, I said that. Out loud. Do not judge me, for I already judge myself)

8. Because James Franco is...I love him. In a completely healthy, non-stalky way.

9. Okay, it is kind of stalky.

10. But he was Daniel Desario! And he was so good in Milk! And AMAZING in Pineapple Express. And he's so pretty! And so talented!

11. I own many of his movies.

12. Okay, most of his movies.

13. I even paid real, US money to see Nights in Rodanthe, and he's not even credited in that!

14. And I still have the issue of GQ with him on the cover from last year, even though I am 26 years old and should be well beyond things like that.

15. The point of this embarrassing overshare is that I am a James Franco fangirl.

16. The only person who I think makes me more hysterical is Leonardo DiCaprio.

17. And if I got an email saying that Leo was going to be doing a stint on one of my soaps, I'd probably need to be sedated.

18. (I also would hope that he would at least hold out for The Young and the Restless!)

19. I was speechless, to say the least, unless hysterical, high-pitched laughter counts as speech, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't.

20. This has been the week of me being speechless: first from Ryan and Erica Ryan and Ericaing, and then Jonathan Jackson returning to GH and now this.

21. The people within hearing distance of me are the biggest beneficiaries of these soap happenings.

22. Still reeling from the news, I went to the bank.

23. Not to take out a large sum of money to finance a trip to Los Angeles and the GH set specifically.

24. Really, that's not why.

25. And while I waited, I checked for official confirmation of this, the biggest soap news of all time, on SOAPNet.com

26. And there was confirmation.

27. And I made a sound that was part gasp, part muffled scream and part laughter.

28. The bank teller then leaned across the counter and studied my eyes intently.

29. I am pretty sure this was to check the size of my pupils to see if I was on the drugs.

30. When my transaction finished, I practically sprinted back to the car and did something akin to this

Barneyrofl

30. I then called my best friend and left her the most rambling, hysterical voicemail of all time. I'm not even sure it was in English. It was lots of "Ohmigod"s and "Eeeeee!!!" and the occasional confused, "And I don't know why!"

31. And as I drove home, obeying the speed limit

32. (Well, it was a speed limit somewhere)

33. It hit me:

33. I never criticize anything that James Franco does.

34. He's been in some movies that others may describe as "terrible", but I always defend them.

35. (Sometimes the only defense I can muster is "Whatever, suck it", but that usually ends the argument!)

36. Does this mean that I will start to defend General Hospital?

37. And defend a story that's heavy on Jason, at that?

He'll be playing a mysterious character -- the details are too hot to share now -- who will interact with most of Port Charles and in particular, make Jason's life a living hell. Expect James to start airing on November 20th and he'll appear on the show for multiple weeks.

38. I think it does, because Becca sent me an email with the subject "What is James Franco thinking?" and my immediate response was "That he's awesome, duh".

39. It's a completely involuntary reaction!

40. I am having terrifying visions of a future where I am compelled to say things like, "I can't wait for General Hospital to come on!" or "GH should totally submit this on their Emmy reel next year for Outstanding Daytime Drama and I will totally campaign on their behalf".

41. And HE approached GH!

The coolest part about this? James approached General Hospital about joining the cast.

42. Which, at least GH doesn't have the balls to approach an award-winning movie actor about doing a stint on their show, so their ego isn't completely out of control.

43. Also..James Franco is short (EDIT: Just to clarify, he's not tiny, but it's said that he's 5'10, which means he's probably an inch or two shorter than that, and I am a giant so I consider most people short).

44. If he is in a scene with Maurice Benard and they are roughly the same height--or, heaven forbid, MB is taller--this will mean that I need to forfeit "Sonny is a shorty" jokes for the rest of eternity.

45. Which is totally disappointing, because those are some of my favorite Sonny jokes to make!

46. Although we'll at least always have the Duh Face.

47. And now I am left to impatiently wait for his scenes to air and gear myself up for two possibilities:

48. The show will continue to be terrible and I will be forced to defend said terrible show, have to watch Jason scenes IN THEIR ENTIRETY WITHOUT FAST FORWARDING and will possibly have to give up my arsenal of wee Sonny jokes.

49. Or he will be the recipient of the best, most engaging writing in years and his guest stint will be, overall, genuinely fantastic.

50. OR--I don't count this as a possibility, since it's more of a probability--I will wind up not being able to focus on any of his scenes at all due to the nervous, hysterical laughter I burst into whenever I hear or see the words "James Franco on General Hospital". Because REALLY, I cannot stop laughing.

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