Serial Drama

Where "AMC" Stands For Atrocious, Miserable, Contemptible

I just can't with this show. I hate it. All of it! Even aspects of the show that I used to reliably see as a beacon of light amidst the dark, dank majority of the show have driven me to the point that when I say that this show has robbed me of my ability to speak, I mean it. I know I often say "There are no words" and then follow that declaration up with a six thousand word screed filled with run-on sentences and hysteria, but truly, after watching today's episode (what with the Jake/Amanda/David inanity and skeeziness; Erica/Zach/Ryan drugging and emotionally manipulating Adam on the off chance that it will get Annie thrown in jail; Ryan existing), the only thing I can do is attempt to write a list of things I hate more than I hate AMC. And I could only come up with clowns, people who don't use turn signals and the song "What's Up?" by 4 Non Blondes!

Am I being too critical? Does the show have any redeeming qualities that I am missing? Or am I correct in stating that it is the worst ever to ever be the worst?

Soap Blog Coalition

Guiding Light and One Life to Live star Gina Tognoni dishes about her "exciting" return to One Life to Live with Daytime Confidential. (Daytime Confidential)

This week the Pine Valley Bulletin takes on the "big reveal" of Stuart's killer. *yawn* (Pine Valley Bulletin)

This week at The Scrubs Hub we have one simple question for you: What will happen next for Robin & Patrick? (Scrubs Hub)

The Serial Drama girls are longstanding Jonathan Jackson fans, but think it will take some time to adjust to him as Lucky again. No amount of time, however, will make them adjust to his beard. (Serial Drama)

Claudia's time is clearly running out of time in a big way these days in Port Charles...Sigh, if f I had a TRIGGER button on my remote control, Claudia would have been a done deal month's ago. (Soap Examiner)

Sunday Surgery finds the Wubqueen pondering the blow-ups offering clues to the Franco mystery. Could it really be all about Alkazar--AGAIN? What do you think? (Wubs)

I'm Trying to Restrain Myself From Making Numerous "Lucky" Puns

Nothing can sum up my complicated feelings on Jonathan Jackson's return as Lucky better than this image:

On the one hand: Jonathan Jackson! Exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point!

On the other hand: Written by Bob Guza. Like, "...oh. Right. Well, this will be a debacle by the end of the episode."

And on a third, mutant hand: the scruff. I didn't get to watch yesterday's episode live (which was super disappointing!) (Please reflect for a moment on the fact that I was sad to not get the chance to watch General Hospital live and send all of your pity my way. Thank you in advance.), but Becca warned me about how hilarious it was. And oh, is it ever hilarious.

After I did watch yesterday's show, I agreed with B's assessment: underwhelming! And I was disappointed to feel that way, not least because I could almost feel myself circa 1997 giving present me an ice cold "Bitch, please" look. But it's true: after the initial "Eeee!!!" or seven, I started to worry that maybe this would be a complete clusterfuck.

And while it's possible that it may, indeed, become a clusterfuck in the near future--and since this is the Guza/Phelps era of GH we are talking about, it's less "possible" and more "probable"--I loved the Lucky scenes from today's episode without reservation. They put me in such a good mood that during the mob scenes, even though I was praying for death, I was doing it with a smile on my face!

The Role of Lucky Spencer Is Now Being Played by Jonathan Jackson

Mallory really wanted to post about Jonathan Jackson's return as Lucky Spencer after today's airing of his first episode back, but she and her therapist were wary of her venturing back into multiple-personality land (it's never as fun as they make it seem on soaps!).  So you are stuck with me, and -- Debbie Downer alert! -- while I enjoyed Jackson's Lucky very much back in the day, I was far too old to have a crush on him and therefore my assessment of his return is likely to have far less "eeeee!"ing than Mal's.  I'm sure she will balance the scales at a future date.  I have it on good authority that screencaps with animated exploding hearts are well underway.

So, first day back.  "Remember me?" was a terribly cheesy opener, but Jackson had the decency to look chagrined by that, so kudos. 

And then we cut to the credits, which readers have emailed to point out still include Greg Vaughan.  How grossly cheap is this show?!  It is bad enough that the credits have at least four dead characters in them, but really, you somewhat brutally fire a longtime cast member and then leave him in the credits even after his replacement has started?  This show is to class what Lindsay Lohan is to sobriety.  (Related note:  You look fab for 56, Lindz!  Don't let anyone tell you differently!)

Side note:  The Beard must be eliminated.  A strategic razor could get in and out without causing any collateral damage.  I say we let it try.  For the good of the country.  Or at least for the couple hundred of us still watching General Hospital.

Our Column in the 11/3 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

The newest issue of Soap Opera Digest is on newsstands now, and in it is our latest My Take/ My Take, Too column. This month, Mallory continues to be all atwitter about the crazy casting news hitting the soap world: Thorsten Kaye, Beth Ehlers, Aiden Turner and Greg Vaughan are out, while Jonathan Jackson and James Franco are in, and she is seriously embarrassed to think about how long it must have taken for our editor to get rid of the approximately eight thousand exclamation points she had in her original draft. Meanwhile, Becca tries optimism on for size, and thinks of how great Jonathan Jackson's return to GH could be, especially if it coincides with Greg Vaughan landing a gig on the increasingly good Days of Our Lives.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue (aka My Dog Is Smarter Than This Show)

Now, granted, my dog is exceptionally gifted, but I do think it's a problem if even a very bright Labrador is routinely sharper than your [inexplicably] critically acclaimed, "Best Writing in Daytime and No That Wasn't a Vote Tabulation Error, We Double-Checked Because SERIOUSLY," daytime drama.  

I had to watch about two weeks' worth of GH episodes while doing chores today.  [Insert obvious joke about the real chore being watching this show.]  So I thought perhaps I had misheard when, in the midst of sorting through paystubs from 2003 (oh, filing system, you are so cute sitting empty in my drawer), I heard Claudia say something so stupid that surely I must have mis-heard.  So I rewound, but nope, she actually did say:

Claudia to Sonny:  Maybe you could take me somewhere.  Show me off a little bit.  We are in Puerto Rico – the city of excitement and fun, lights.

Ah yes, Puerto Rico, City of Lights.  I think I heard that on travel commercial once!  It's like how France is the City of Caribbean Sea Views and Chicago is the Windy Country.

It IS A Mad World, In So Many Senses of the Word

If General Hospital continues to play "Mad World" at the end of every episode, I will be forced to update my list of Things General Hospital Ruins Without Even Trying and add Tears For Fears, Donnie Darko and Adam Lambert to a list that already includes cake, babies, Facebook, smackdowns of Jason Morgan and, of course, brain cells. Curse you, GH!

The song is, of course, being played in teaser scenes for an upcoming story that I believe may be the one involving James Franco, but I don't now for sure. Actually, all I now for sure is that a character is obsessed with Jason

(this is not at all surprising. After all, why should the new character be the only one on the show not obsessed with Jason?)

And that character also has very nice handwriting.

Six seconds of neat printing is the only thing I found to compliment this show on. I smell a repeat Emmy win next year!

Pratt, Prat, Prattle: Are We Sensing A Theme Here?

I'm having a difficult time wrapping my head around the reveal of Stuart's murderer. Not because I am surprised--it's been heavily telegraphed the past few weeks to the point that even Reese, with her blindness and complete obliviousness to the world around her (how sad is it right now that I can look back on the Reese era of this show wistfully?) and even before that, many people guessed that Adam was the culprit. No, I am having a problem coming to terms with the fact that one soap opera storyline could be infused with so much rot.

• The decision to kill off Stuart was terrible.
• The half-assed setup for the murder itself, with the dark and stormy night, and the hysterical raging at Adam for circumstances almost entirely out of his control, and the parents leaving the side of the child they thought was dead to go confront someone who was not responsible for the death at all, was terrible.
• Turning the death (violent, of course) of a much-beloved character into a story almost completely about Kendall being suspected and eventually imprisoned, kind of, for a crime that she only wanted to, but did not commit (because Kendall hasn't had enough over-the-top drama this year) and Annie being crazy and/or crazy like a fox and/or the subject of a Pine Valley witch hunt (because we haven't seen that before) was terrible.
• The writing staff's understanding of the legal system (because picking up tips from Law & Order is out, since reruns of that show are such a rare commodity) was terrible.
• Randomly deciding that Marian existing is too offensive to bear and sending her off to the nuthouse was terrible.
• Having the show tread water for months while the writers came up with a plausible culprit, and having literally nothing happen, was terrible.
• Centering a large chunk of the show on Emma was terrible (not least because Emma scenes mean Ryan scenes, and if there is anything Ryan is good at, it's further souring things).
• The choice to have Adam be the murderer of his twin brother was terrible and while David Canary is going to rock everything related to this shitfest of a story, that doesn't make it any less terrible. If anything, it makes it worse, because they are exploiting David Canary's talent and grace and innate sense of awesome.
• Charles Pratt's crowing to the soap press about how effing clever he is and how shocked the audience will be by this turn of events was--it's not even terrible. Terrible does not do it justice. Atrocious is a bit closer, but still not descriptive enough.

I literally cannot even. All I can say is hate. "Hate hate hate. H!A?T!E? Hate! Hate hate. Hate? !!??!! Haaaaaate." And you know what? That sentence is just one word, repeated, with random punctuation marks, and it hints at an impending psychotic break but it is STILL better written than anything during the Pratt era of AMC.

Soap Blog Coalition

Daytime Confidential's Jamey Giddens interviews The Young and the Restless star Wilson Bethel. They talk about his role as Ryder, working with Sean Kanan and Greg Rikaart and Generation Kill. (Daytime Confidential)

Kimberly McCullough and Jason Thompson's General Hospital Scrubs Team raised $44,878.10 and walked for AIDS Walk LA last weekend, and are currently in top positions individually and as a team. Check out the great pictures from the event! (Scrubs Hub)

Elizabeth Webber's polka dot cardigan has been the sole highlight of GH this week, which has led the Serial Drama girls to wonder if the show should change its name to "Stupid people doing terrible things in an uninteresting fashion." (Serial Drama)

The extended dragged out "Stu-Murder" mystery is driving me up a wall. On top of all of this, the totally irritating promo ABC continues to run about the real murderer being revealed has been way over done and frankly, it's turning my hair gray.  (Soap Opera Examiner)

Great weekend for Wubs! AIDS Walk LA, scoops, tweets and news are all up in the Sunday surgery. (Wubs)

A Star Is Bored

While I have no factual basis for asserting that any of the stars of All My Children are bored, I am willing to wager that this entry's title is actually an understatement, if anything, because this poor group of actors has literally done nothing for the past few months but say the exact same lines of dialogue in every scene they are in, and if it is cripplingly boring for me to watch, can you imagine what it is like to have to constantly repeat those poorly written lines about hating Annie, or hating everyone who hates Annie, or Madison being a life ruiner, and whatnot? They probably lose little pieces of their soul each time they report to the set! I certainly lose little pieces of my soul each time I sit through a full episode which, to be perfectly honest, is rarer and rarer these days, as I've taken to fast forwarding maniacally when I'm disinterested. This led me to once finishing an episode in three minutes...

Ryan, to Annie: You lying, manipulating, twisted bitch.

Ryan was completely correct in his assessment of Annie, and I have described her underdeveloped, soap-crazy, overtanned self using those same terms, but that didn't stop me from reverting to a slightly hysterical first grader and shouting "Takes one to know one!", "I know you are, but what is Annie?", and "Oh, Ryan, why are you talking to yourself out loud?" at my television. I'm not proud.

There is just something about Ryan sneering at others in that hoarse, condescending voice he has that makes me want to stick my head in a microwave.