"Who ARE you people?!" (This Week in Llanview)
I'm going start by letting Brody express my feelings on this week of One Life to Live, not only because it's appropriate, but also because:
He just keeps getting hotter and more awesome.
In the Den of Torture that is Rex/Gigi/Stacy/Schuyler/Kim, Stacy and Kim's latest scheme to break up Rex and Gigi started to work. Somehow it never occurred to anyone that it was a little suspicious when Kim, Stacy's best friend, was all of a sudden showing romantic interest in Schuyler -- very publicly. Thankfully Schuyler wised up and saw that the whole thing was a ruse (isn't it refreshing? He was the one who caught on to the Stacy's-fake-stem-cells plan, too, even though it took a little too long) and the Stripper Twins were perfectly pleased to accept responsibility, proudly. Meanwhile, in Dumb As A Box of Rocks Town, Rex and Gigi took the bait and walked right into the trap, as usual. Is there anyone left who finds these people sympathetic? It's getting to the point that I'm rooting for Stacy. (Okay, it's more like I'm rooting for Kim.) They've been fighting for months, they are (as I've mentioned before) the dumbest people alive, and they make us sit through this:
I don't really know how much more of this I can take. When John-Paul Lavoisier was first on the show, he was one of my favorite actors. I really don't know what happened. Part of me still clings to hope that he's not really a bad actor, he's just decided (or has been guided into deciding) that this buffoon is Rex and that he's just being consistent. Regardless, it's unbearable. Farah Fath is not exactly Meryl Streep, but she is far more watchable in scenes where Gigi is with Schuyler or Kim. Can we please just put this couple to rest?
Elsewhere, Nora was shocked and appalled that Matthew had done a little research on The Internets! to try to find a surgeon now that Greg has totally un-melodramatically pronounced that he must never operate again. She showed Bo the pages that Matthew had printed out like they were anthrax-covered evidence of something, and then mocked the idea of internet research as if Matthew had in fact gone to www.doityourselfoperations.com and ordered a home surgery kit for Destiny to operate on him. OH NO, NOT THE INTERNET!!!! (Um, where she and Bo did research months ago to learn more about the surgery.) But what this led to was one of the more disturbing things I've really ever seen and which necessitated Matthew's very apt line, "Who are you people?!" Because Bo and Nora smiled at Matthew, told him they were finally going to support him (because it had been decided by a court of law!) and were going to go with him to Seattle to get the surgery (are we to believe that they otherwise wouldn't have gone with him???), gave him more hope and joy than he's felt in months, blocked anyone else from access to the plane trip, got a pilot to lie for them, and then...
...just super-casually told him they're flying him to London, so he's out of a jurisdiction where he can enforce the court order that allows him to have the surgery. And sending him to boarding school! And when Matthew had the nerve to tell them to "turn this damn plane around," well...
...Nora was just shocked! How could he be angry? How could he swear? C'mon, Matthew, it's no biggie! Your parents are just essentially kidnapping you, finding ways around the law that says you can make this choice for yourself, taking you away from all your friends and family, and stowing you away at an English boarding school till you've lost so much muscle that the surgery would no longer work! Apparently, he just needed "a change of scenery." Listen, even though I've been on Matthew's side during most of this storyline, I've still had empathy for Mom and Dad -- it's scary stuff. I get it. But nope. No more. Frankly, at this point I hope Matthew does tell Clint that his parents made out the night before the wedding, and that somehow Clint is bestowed the title of King of Everything and his first order of business as King of Everything is to ruin Bo and Nora's lives. And really, you don't find a much bigger Bo and Nora fan than me. I wept when they kissed a few months ago; I felt like I'd been waiting half my life for it. Ouch.
Of course at the end of the day, the whole point of that storyline is to put Matthew in a boarding school with the Secret Holy Child of All That is Holiest (seriously, if that kid were a little younger he should have play-dates with Jacob Martin WebberSpencerMorgan of General Hospital), that being the offspring of Tea and Todd. Or Tea and Ross, but probably Tea and Todd. Because Tea needed to "hide" her secret child -- and how in the world could anyone find someone in... England? And we know about this because...
...she keeps a brochure of her son's boarding school in her briefcase. Where she keeps a special phone to call him from. And they have a very cozy relationship ("Hey honey, it's Mom, whatcha doin'?"), so it's pretty much back to square one with this storyline as far as I'm concerned. She is apparently an active, involved parent. Huh? Who is protecting her son from his evil father by... marrying him? (Is the evil father the rapist and borderline-sociopath Todd or the kidnapper-for-hire Ross? Either way, she married him.) And don't get me wrong, despite his history, I find Ross to be a huge breath of fresh air! And his being so charmed by Blair is doubly excellent. One thing that helps this storyline:
Oh I do enjoy me some Elijah. Was I the only one who a little bit thought from the back of his head that random-hotel-hallway dude might be Kyle? That would've been fun.
There was a whole heck of a lot more going on this week, some of it delicious, some of it not. We had the stalker storyline finally making some real headway; apparently Jared is complicit only in the fact that someone has been pulling the strings and possibly blackmailing him or threatening him somehow (someone he knows, judging by the very-soapy "YOU?" at the end of Thursday's show). Poor Natalie, but I'm loving how everyone started rallying around her when she just came out and asked for help. We had Brody hilariously mocking Delphina. We had Shawn waking up from his coma (which was treated as oddly incidental) at the very moment Rachel and Greg were about to do the deed. We had Dorian scrambling to figure out how to "come out" authentically, made extra-hysterical by David, Blair, and Viki (at her nonplussed best). We had Fish having a total meltdown and awesomely tasing Ross in Blair's hospital room.
Any (non-spoiler) thoughts on who the mystery man is at the Buchanan lodge? Anyone able to make heads or tails of the Child-of-Tea situation? Anyone else always thrilled to have Roxie included in a storyline, no matter how bizarre the tie-in?
Finally, and I know this was the end of the week prior, but I just couldn't let it go unaddressed. Let's all have a silent moment of respect and indulge in this memorial photo montage of what was perhaps one of the greatest camped-up beautiful soapy-ass events in years:
(Best episode title ever?)
I mean, what else is there to say, really?