Serial Drama

I Should Play the Lottery or Something

So late last night, I was making up some silly polls, writing an intro because really, it should look like I put a modicum of effort into the post, right?  So I was all, last Wednesday on GH was great and five days of thinking good thoughts and yadda yadda, but probably Monday someone will get killed or called a whore!  Ha ha, a joke about the violence and misogyny on General Hospital.  So fresh, so original.

But y'all, I was right!  The whore card got played!  By Original Recipe Lucky Spencer, no less!  Well, kind of.

Dream Sequence Lucky:  Hey, what’s going on in here?
Dream Sequence Liz:  Nikolas was just paying me for sleeping with him, just like Jason did.
Dream Sequence Lucky:  Well, kind of leaves me out, doesn’t it?
Dream Sequence Liz:  No, no!  That’s not what I want from you, Lucky.  I love you.
Dream Sequence Lucky:  Elizabeth,* you obviously don’t care about love.  It’s not what you want.  You want money, don’t you?  I mean, a whore is a whore, right?  Since you only seem to have sex with guys who pay for it, here ::throws a bunch of paper money at her:: take it.  I’d like to stay in the mix.

I don't care that it's Jonathan Jackson and he's awesome (side note:  seriously, who will get him to SHAVE?), or that it was a dream sequence.  There are about a dozen things wrong with Nikolas and Elizabeth's relationship, and none of them has to do with money.  She wasn't after Jason's money, either.  I think the character is grody right now, but I refuse to endorse this writing team's inability to insult women characters with anything other than "golddigging slutty whore" (paraphrased).  It's gross.

* Random aside:  For the last several months, every time I type "Liz" or "Elizabeth," I think of this, and I laugh.  "I do not go by Liz.  Where did you get your information?  I will send my hitman babydaddy after you immediately."

I'm in a poll-y kind of mood again:

poll by twiigs.com

Mondays After Four-Day Weekends Are Especially Awful, So Here Are Some Polls

We had two General Hospital-free weekdays, which was probably an especially good thing since Wednesday's Thanksgiving episode was so enjoyable and mob-free that you can now -- for possibly the first time in years -- say that you have maintained a positive impression of GH for nearly five whole days!  Surely someone will die or get called a whore on today's episode, though, so please try to manage your expectations.

In the meantime, random polls.

poll by twiigs.com

poll by twiigs.com

poll by twiigs.com

We Are Shopping Enablers

The wonderful shopping holiday season is upon us!  Should you decide to shop at Amazon.com (in any of its bazillion departments), we would so appreciate it if you would click through any of our Amazon Associates links down at the bottom of our left sidebar (or the one below in this post).  Anything you put in your cart within 24 hours of clicking through brings us a wee bit of holiday revenue.  There's no charge on your end.  This is actually true year-round, but we like to contain our blatant pleas for money to one day a year, max.

In exchange, we are more than happy to lend out our expert shopping rationalization skills.  We can justify virtually any purchase.  We can tailor the explanation to satisfy your target audience (spouse? parent? self?).  And we can even suggest additional purchases to complement the one you already made!  We are uber helpful like that.

Thanks everyone, and happy shopping!

In Which We Give Soapy Thanks

We know what you're thinking: "You two bitter bitches are thankful for soap-related things? I am so sure!"

But maybe we're getting caught up in the sentimentality of the Thanksgiving season. Or maybe our pumpkin baked-goods high is clouding our judgment. Or maybe we are just so giddy at the prospect of a long weekend that we are seeing beauty in the unlikeliest of places (It turns out that squirrels aren't hideous beasts after all! Who knew?). Either way, we are thankful for many soap-related things!

We have not murdered our beloved twin brother while being drugged by the local nefarious doctor.

We have not been incarcerated and then on the run for a murder we did not commit, yet inexplicably confessed to.

We know how to pronounce "manipulate" properly.

We have never been on the receiving end of a patented Ryan Lavery bug-eyed, rage-filled smackdown.

We have never been murdered and then had our heretofore unknown twin sister come to town in order to prey on our emotionally vulnerable family and con them out of money. And then fall in love with our fiance. And then languish on the backburner before being fired.

The cops in our towns are waaaay smarter than 99% of the ones in soapland.

We have not been forced to give birth (after high-risk pregnancies) in a remote cabin with hands-on assistance from the nutbar responsible for putting our son in comas.

Our hair is not judged against Megan Ward's and Allison Sweeney's.

We have not had barware flung at our head in the midst of an argument.

We have not been gaslighted by our stepson, or had a miscarriage because of the machinations of that stepson, or had that stepson fake our pregnancy and then engage in a baby switch. 

We do not have grandmothers that frequently tries to kill or ruin us.  (Well, not recently anyway, and not intentionally...)

We have not had a long-lost son come back from the dead ten years too young and way more Australian than he ought to be and then have it turn out that he's not actually our son at all but an impostor and that our son actually really is alive and was just hiding out for two decades to deal with his secret pain.

Victor Newman is not a real person.

We aren't romantically involved with men who might reply to the innocent query "How was work today?" with a list of violent felonies.

All My Children is taking the writing of the show in a new direction, continues to employ David Canary, and...um, is only an hour long.

Days of Our Lives has at least temporarily forgotten that it sucked and was nearly canceled and is operating as a quite entertaining daily hour of drama.

James Scott got a haircut.  (This may be responsible for the immediately preceding thanks-worthy event.)

General Hospital has a casting department that does what the writing department cannot (awesome things, awesomely), and/or James Franco got really stoned or very broke and agreed to the heretofore unimaginable.

The Young and the Restless still has stellar writing; some ultra-soapy behind-the-scenes drama; some of the best actors in the business; and the smarts to give Doug Davidson increased screentime, resulting in what is, so far, the greatest soap moment in the entire decade, if not the past century.

We're also thankful for the fine folks at Soap Opera Digest, our amazing guest-blogger Louise and the best readers in the blogosphere.

Happy Thanksgiving all!

Our Column in the 12/1 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

The December 1st issue of Soap Opera Digest (with James Franco on the cover [Embarrassing squealing redacted]) and in it our our latest My Take/My Take, Too columns. Be sure to pick up a copy to hear our thoughts! This month, Becca is pleasantly surprised by how much Days of Our Lives has improved, thanks to hot men and pacing that isn't terrible, but challenges it to make the show great across the board. She also has some challenges for the General Hospital writers but has had to set the bar really low. Mallory takes on All My Children and, specifically, the way that the writers even manage to ruin the few good things the show has going for it: Zach and Kendall, Jesse and Angie, and Adam Chandler.

Way to Ruin Everything, Roxy!

Just to be clear based on the last few days, Roxy is responsible for the following:

-The murder of Jared.

R.I.P. (sniff!)

-The stalking of Jessica.

-The ruination of Brody's relationship with his one remaining family member.

-Rex's... disappointment?  Confusion?  Indignation?  What would we call this?

-Most importantly:

Again, all of this is Roxy's fault.  In case you missed that.  Why?  Because she knew Mitch wasn't dead a while back, knew he was in a coma, thought she'd killed him by pulling the plug (and because his death was reported to her by the clinic), and didn't then magically know that he wasn't really dead again and run around to tell everyone.  Oh, plus she had the nerve to possibly get raped by Mitch Laurence 28 years ago.  But you know what?  We don't actually know the details.  We have no idea what happened between Roxy and Mitch all those years ago, we have no idea how she knew he was alive back in that clinic and why she was apparently the primary contact person listed in his medical files.  We have yet to learn why she didn't turn comatose Mitch in to the police.  This is because no one's bothering to ask her any real questions.  Every time she starts to answer, she gets interrupted with accusations of this being all her fault.  Girlfriend needs a hug.  Where's Kyle?

I'll Let Their Words Speak For Themselves

This is a complete cop-out, because a statement comprised of five characters is not exactly insightful or witty commentary, but all I can manage for today's episode of General Hospital is "...oh."

(Okay, maybe not ALL I can manage, but MOSTLY what I can manage)

Franco: Any commitment longer than an evening make me break out. Your ex never has to know about tonight.
Maxie: But I would know.
Franco: I'm going to pretend that that self-pitying drivel didn't just emerge from your lovely mouth.
Maxie: Wow, you really know how to charm the pants off of a girl.
Franco: Your pants are already halfway down your thighs.

"...oh. That...is actually a pretty disgusting piece of dialogue and if someone like Sonny spoke those words, I would probably be lobbying my Congressional representatives in order to have General Hospital banned from the airwaves, so I admit that I am being hypocritical by admitting that I wasn't actively disgusted by James Franco saying it, and admitting hypocrisy kind of cancels out the act of being hypocritical itself, doesn't it? No? ...oh."

Sonny: Her brother is investigating the case, and when Lucky finds out that Luke set up the meeting, it's going to get ugly. Lulu's right in the middle. And there's nothing worse than a father and son on opposing sides.
Dominic: Wow, this is really bothering you.
Sonny: Lucky... This terrific kid chose to be a cop and I hate that when I talk to him, I have to keep my guards up.
Dominic: What, you think he's got something on you?
Sonny: Not yet. He's probably going to figure out that Luke has a connection first, right? Can you imagine, your own kid investigating you? I mean, it got me thinking. About my own life, and what I've done with my life can buy Morgan, Kristina and Michael anything they want. They can go to a great college. They can start a business, anything better than what I had, better than the life that I'm in right now. But I pray that none of my kids ever become a cop.

"...oh. Aside from the pounding headache I have from being walloped in the face with three tons of irony, because get it, Sonny's kid IS a cop and IS investigating and isn't the GH writing staff so clever, and aren't you jealous of their brilliance, are we seriously being told that being a cop is, literally, the worst thing that could ever happen to a human being? We are? ...oh."

Jason: Ok, so what if somebody shows up in the wrong place at the wrong time and sees the wrong thing? Do I have the right to kill him?

"...oh. The show's leading man and moral center is having a crisis of conscience over whether or not he should kill someone who could logically be just an innocent bystander--although unbeknownst to Jason, that's not actually the case because the person is a stalking, leering, throat-stomping crazy, but whatever, as far as he knows, this is just a random down-on-his luck hobo who, I don't know, was scrounging for food and then saw the Messiah of Port Charles right in front of him after having just killed someone and he was so overwhelmed by seeing the master do what the master does best and gave a jolly wave--and we are supposed to sit, interested in his moral dilemma and not at all skeeved out at what this show has become...oh."

Sam: Jason, I know you. I know your heart. I know you are not some immoral killer who is drunk on power. I know you are not some animal who is out killing because it makes them feel like they're something special. You're doing what you have to do to protect you and yours when you are threatened. You have great instincts, and you have to trust them.

"...oh. Jason's a killer, but he's not a KILLER...oh."
 

Is It Wrong That I Am Jealous of Annie's Coma? Probably, Right?

Much in the way that a long Thursday feels even longer and duller when there is something extra-special going on on Friday, the badness of All My Children right now seems even worse and more pronounced now that I know that there is an end in sight to the reign of Charles Pratt (because, remember, he has been FIIIIIIRED!). I sat through today's episode impatiently, thinking "When do we get episodes written by someone who's not a failure at life?" and "How the hell was he allowed to do this to this show for this long?!"

Newly super-villainous Aidan Devane has it bad for Kendall and the fact that every word out of Kendall's mouth is about Zach and her boys (literally, every single word! On the plus side, Alicia Minshew must have had an easy time memorizing her lines for these scenes and since she was pregnant at the time, she deserved it) hasn't given him pause. He's just had to re-evaluate his plot to make Kendall his for forever and has resorted to drugging (her wine, and dousing a rag with chloroform) and trickery in order to do so.

Trickery along the lines of arranging it so that Zach witnesses him having sex with someone who appears to be Kendall but is not Kendall and is, instead, Candy, the infamous Kendall look-alike, pinning his hopes on Zach becoming enraged at the sight and storming off to Pine Valley on a mission to excise Kendall from his life.

Which...is actually what ended up happening so, um...well played, Villain Aidan.

In Which I Use All Caps and Exclamation Points

James Franco's General Hospital debut today was one of several things that made me downright gleeful today. I, of course, loudly broadcast my glee to anyone who would listen, and while most people I expressed my excitement to reacted with polite, if patronizing, feigned interest ("HAHA, I get to say 'I have a date with James Franco at 3:00 today' and have it be true! Because I do!" "Yeah, that is...that's nice!"), some were actually interested in my assessment of the episode. Okay, one person was interested in my assessment of the episode. And as I filled her in, I began to realize that...I am incapable of discussing this rationally. Any actual critique*, with logical thought and a marked lack of hysteria is going to have to come from Becca, because...well: 

NON-GH-WATCHING FRIEND: So, how was your show today?

MALLORY: OHMIGOD, SO GOOD!

NGHWF: Really? Don't you hate this show?

MALLORY: Totally!

NGHWF: Okay...so, what's the deal?

MALLORY: Okay, so there's this shootout, which James Franco AKA Franco, looking homeless

witnesses, and that's not notable or anything, because shootouts on this show are pretty much a daily thing, and then Jason sees that this so-called homeless person is there and Franco WAVES AT HIM and it is hilarious.

MALLORY: And then there was a guy hit in the shootout, and then Franco stepped on his neck after the whole thing was over--

NGHWF: So he's a killer?

MALLORY: Yes, which, on this show, means that the writers like him. Which...is really problematic actually. But, yes, he's a killer. Remember, his "canvas is murder" from the commercials? So anyway, then he hooks up with a hot woman in his loft, and by the way, do you know how rare it is to have a minority actress on this show? Oh, and also, Kate wants Maxie to get Franco the Artist to do a shoot for Crimson, but he's like a recluse or whatever, so it might be difficult...and he smoldered!

MALLORY: He smoldered like...a smoldering thing. And it was awesome.

It was like one of those Fancast commercials, except with much more high-pitched laughter!

What did you all think of the big debut? Do you also give it two thumbs up? Or did it not at all live up to the hype? Or did you enjoy it, but you also feel dirty complimenting something GH-related?

*Any critique of this story in particular, I mean. The rest of the show is shit, and I am still capable of writing at least a thousand words about the horror that is Liz/Nikolas, and can bitch quite nicely about how terrible the Johnny/Olivia story is right now. I'm not COMPLETELY a pod person!

I Am Having The Best Day Ever

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS!

How awesome is this day? First of all, it is Friday, which is awesome in and of itself. Secondly, I was undercharged for my latte at Starbucks, which is fantastic. Thirdly, my BFF James Franco is on General Hospital starting today, which...is not going to be awesome in the long run because who knows what the boneheads in charge are going to do with him, but is awesome for the moment, because he is pretty.

And LASTLY, my prayers have been answered and my feverish wishes fulfilled because CHARLES PRATT IS OUT AT AMC!

Charles Pratt! Out! Forever! Or at least he is given control of yet another soap opera to ruin, but until then: OUT!

I love this day. Thank you, November 20th, for being made of awesome.