Is Outrage Fatigue Treatable With Antibiotics?
It's time for another installment of our continuing series Offensive, Outrageous and Oh-So [Expletive]: The Charles Pratt Story, starring Charles Pratt; his sidekick, the black hole of suck that accompanies him at all times; and four of the characters he's made near irredeemable and wholly unlikable this week: Aidan, Amanda, Jake and David.
Okay, David being irredeemable and wholly unlikable is not at all unique to this week, and the destruction of Aidan has been in full swing for a while, but the writers really ramped it all up in Friday's episode. Aren't Friday episodes supposed to be intriguing, and get viewers anxious waiting to tune back in on Monday? Because all I wanted to do when the show ended was take a Silkwood shower and schedule elective surgery for Monday at 1 PM.
You know, I had made my peace with Aidan being written off of the show in a flame of villainy disgrace. That's not to say that I enjoy it, or don't sympathize with poor Aiden Turner, who must be all, "...you couldn't just let me stay on the backburner and pretend that I never existed?", because I don't and do, respectively, but the show is obviously going there and shouting at my television is not going to change that. It's just going to give me a sore throat and very disgruntled neighbors.
The big issue is that, okay: Aidan Devane is a Special-Ops spy, no? I have to think that if he wanted to do something dastardly and break up Zach and Kendall, because he's apparently secretly been in love with Kendall all of this time (please see episodes dated "Never", "Never Ever" and "Never Ever Ever" for evidence of this) that he would be able to come up with something a little more ingenious than intercepting and forging email correspondence. Did he get his superspy training from seventh grade mean girls? Are we going to see him hack into Zach's Facebook and change his relationship status to "Currently In A Relationship with Liza Colby?" REALLY, if you are going to make him a sinister, manipulative stalker, at least make him a good one! It's the least he, and the viewers, deserve. And I mean that--it's the very, very least we all deserve.
Is Aidan's manipulation of Kendall more or less uncomfortable and disturbing to watch than David manipulating Amanda into having sex with him in order to conceive a child? I'm not sure. Much like I'm not sure who had the bright idea, "And then? She'll finally consent to having sex with him, rather than wait a month to be inseminated, and then she'll be in tears when they do it!".
Amanda: What about Jake?
David: Easy. We just tell him that we went to the clinic as planned. I'll call ahead. I'll make sure that everyone's on board, that they cover for us.
Amanda: I hate even the idea of lying to him.
David: But you'd be doing this for Jake, right? Because you want to have a family with him.
Amanda: More than anything in the world.
David: Well, then this is a way to make that happen.
Amanda: You would have to swear on Trevor that you would never tell Jake. I don't care if we get in a fight, if -- if the planet explodes -- whatever. You could never, ever tell him.
David: I swear, on our son, Jake will never hear this from me. It'll be our secret.
David: Well, then you've made the right decision. Do you want to go outside or --
Amanda: Let's just get this over with. And you'd better make it quick.
David: I'll do my best. Well, I guess my back seat days aren't over after all.
Amanda: Ok, two rules. One, don't talk. And two, do not look at me.
It made me want to claw my skin off. I actually felt dirty having this episode on my DVR and erased it immediately, lest the FBI find me and take me in for questioning.
While David is a sleaze of the highest order and, let's not forget, responsible for Stuart's murder, Amanda is being SO UNBELIEVABLY STUPID. The writing for Amanda has ranged from "horrendous" to "horrendous doused with gasoline and lit on fire" for quite a while--remember, she was one of the main participants in the whole, "Your son is dead. Dead! He's dead, and he's in heaven with all of your other dead children. Here are his ashes. Oh, actually he isn't dead at all, he's being disguised as a girl and left in an alley so that I can adopt him through the foster care system" story--but this "storyline" "twist" is so ridiculous that there are no words in the English language to express it. I feel so bad for Chrishell Stause, who is obviously broken up over the crap she has to play. I want to give her a hug and tell her she's better than this show, and ask her for her haircare tips.
And then there is Jake, who I am sure is going to give his high horse a gigantic cube of sugar before using a ladder to climb off of it when he hears that Amanda and David had sex. And he totally has every right to, because he's such a fine, upstanding moral citizen. Please see Exhibit A: The Aforementioned Dead Baby Life and Exhibit B: Friday's episode, where Ryan tells Jake, a medical doctor, that Annie is faking her miscarriage and must be punished with a public stoning.
Rather than telling Ryan, "Do you have a medical degree? Are you a doctor? No, right? The only degree you have is one in dickitude", Jake was all, "Okey dokey" and proceeded to spend the rest of the episode violating all sorts of laws and ethics because Ryan Lavery told him to.
Like when Annie explicitly asked Ryan, the rage maniac who hates her with a passion, to leave the room, and Jake ignored her. And when Annie requested another doctor, and Jake ignored her.
Ryan: Don't worry, Annie. I'm not gonna stay for the examination. I just wanted to say that once it's over, the whole charade will be, too.
Annie: Are you gonna do something, or do I have to call security?
Ryan: I'm leaving. I'm going. I just wanted to say that you really did take it, didn't you, hook, line, and sinker? The whole bit about you not being able to conceive? Falling down the stairs? That was a nice touch, though. That was impressive. You've always had a flair for the dramatic, haven't you?
Annie: Get out.
Jake: I'd like to just do the examination --
Annie: Oh, no, no, no. I want a new doctor now. You're obviously working for Ryan.
Jake: I don't work for anybody. I'm at the hospital.
Ryan: Jake, listen. I'm sorry. Could I have two minutes with Annie just -- please?
AND HE JUST LEFT! He completely ignored his patient's request and them ambled on out of the room so her ex-husband could berate her. Why does Ryan get to do whatever he wants? Really, I don't understand a) why he thinks he's entitled to just roam around town telling people to do what he wants or b) why everybody just sits back and lets him fucking boss them around! Not once has anybody said, "Why don't you put your bulging eyes back in their sockets, you delusional caveman, and use a fucking indoor voice?" and I'd like to know why!
And THEN, after ignoring Annie's prior wishes, Jake PERFORMS A GYNECOLOGICAL EXAM ON HER WHILE SHE'S UNCONSCIOUS, WHICH IS A LIFETIME MOVIE WAITING TO HAPPEN and THEN! Announces the results to everybody, including Ryan!
Jake: Well, I have some news that might come as a shock to some of you.
Adam: Should we go somewhere private?
Jake: No, no, no. Annie wanted me to say this in front of everybody. She didn't have a miscarriage. The baby is fine.
Adam: Ooh. Wonderful. Wonderful.
Ryan: Jake? I -- I don't understand how --
Jake: It's, uh, it's the way it is: She's pregnant.
The fuck is wrong with this show? Are the writers trying to get me to hate everybody so I'd be less upset when the show is inevitably canceled after scaring all of its viewers away? Too late, AMC, I've already been hating most of these characters since Pratt took over!