The Mathematics of GH
I don't know if it's from a lack of sleep or the gradual death of my brain cells caused in no small part by prolonged exposure to the (non-OLTL) ABC soaps, but I have been completely oblivious to the world at large the past couple of weeks. We're talking "Walking into a wall...okay, fine, walls, and having long conversations only to realize after a few minutes that you have no idea what you've been talking about" oblivion. And I spent the better part of last Tuesday CONVINCED that it was Friday, and I wept bitter tears when I realized how wrong I was.
No matter what my mental state, I do, at least, know what month it is, because I've survived enough GH sweeps "events" to know that
(Hostage Taking + "You lying whore" + Police Ineptitude + Carly in peril) x 847 =
GH November Sweeps
I knew that Sonny's puzzled reaction to the truth about Claudia's involvement in Michael's shooting wouldn't last and that we'd be in for a spittle-filled diatribe at full volume filled with awkward pauses and/or an amazing, emotional performance, depending on what you thought about Friday's episode.
We live in an era of uncertainty, where it's always nice to have something reliable in the world that we can always count on. In Port Charles, we can always count on a stammer-filled tantrum complete with "bitch" "tramp" and "whore".
Sonny: Shut up! Thank God... For that car accident. Thank God that--that poor baby was never born to live in our lives. You got pregnant to cover your ass as an insurance plan [Thank you for FINALLY catching up with the rest of the world--Ed.]. Thank God you'll never bear my child.
Claudia: Our baby's death was a blessing? You sick, self-righteous son of a bitch. Go ahead, say whatever you want about me, whatever your little robot hitman tells you [Okay, fine, I begrudgingly give Claudia a few points for that one--Ed.]. Everybody in this room knows you let your kids run wild, you let your kids get shot at, and it's your damn fault that your son was in that warehouse in the first place!
Sonny: Shut up, you lying-- shut up, you lying whore! Don't you even mention my son after what you did to him! You psychotic piece of trash! Take her.
Why is the phrase "lying whore" a favorite of the writers? That's what Lucky called Liz after Jake's paternity secret was finally revealed and while this situation fits the phrase better than the Lucky/Liz one (if we're defining whore as someone who provides sex in exchange for a monetary payment or some other service---or candy!--I guess we can argue that Claudia provided sex in exchange for, um...genetic material with which to create a child to save her own life. And she DOES lie), I can't help but think of the endless possibilities for phrases that are more apt, and also more fun! Like "Deceitful, over-muscled crone". Or "Satan's shrieking mistress". Sonny always takes the easy way out, doesn't he?
The easy AND the douchey way out, to be precise.
Alexis: Your daughter, by the way, thinks she is completely responsible for what happened tonight, because she thinks that if Claudia didn't lose the baby, she wouldn't be all whacko.
Sonny: How do you think Kristina's going to feel if carly dies and jax's baby dies? Huh? A lot people need you to step up. Your good friend Jax, and our daughter. And I know that I haven't been a great example to Kristina, but you need to show that compassion wins over. And most of the time, deep down inside, people are decent. So I'm begging you, please, get Carly and the baby out of this alive.
I love when people use their children to manipulate--or "mannipleate", in this case--others.
I am beyond ready for Carly's (high-risk) pregnancy to be over and for her daughter (who is also Jax's daughter. Jax's daughter with Carly, whose pregnancy is high-risk) to be born. Yes, it will mean another few days of "Carly in (high-risk) labor in a freaking cabin because god forbid this woman give birth in a traditional way" scenes, and scenes with people taking about Carly('s high-risk) labor, but I just need it to be over. I love Laura Wright. She had the best reaction to the truth about Claudia in all of Friday's episode. I think she and her shiny hair are amazing.
But damn, do I need a vacation from Carly. Because the problem with Carly being in danger isn't just that we are treated to hilarious rip-offs of horror movies that make us literally LOL at the end of episodes
but that we are also given ENDLESS scenes of EVERYBODY talking about Carly. Why does this have to happen during every sweeps story? Carly, due in no small part to the ruination of most of the other women on this show, has become probably my favorite character, but oh em gee, I do not need to hear her name repeated three thousand times over the course of an episode, seriously.
I accidentally muted part of Jason and Lucky's scenes during an incident involving a dropped cell phone and a dangerously high pile of books, and, without dialogue, it seemed like they were having the greatest conversation of all time.
"Sorry, that was uncool"
Their actual conversation was far less awesome (why did Lucky have to seriously contemplate leavig the key for Jason? And why did Jason even put the idea of Cam or Jake being hospitalized into the universe? DAMN IT, MORGAN! You just gave Guza an idea for February sweeps!) and filled with scary foreshadowing
Lucky: You sure?
Jason: You're not--you're not a killer, Lucky.
Lucky: [Sighs] i don't think it works like that, Jason. Everyone's got a breaking point. You get scared enough or angry enough... If i was allowed on the search, I'd do my duty. But I understand why Mac's being cautious. Carly's family. People do crazy things in the name of family.
Uh, Lucky's totally going to kill someone, isn't he? Great. When this show manages to get a good thing going, it inexplicably lights it on fire, and then even more inexplicably wins an Emmy for it.