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« Our Not Exactly Latest Soap Opera Digest Column | Main | Last Week in Llanview (or Robin Strasser Rocks My World) »

December 06, 2009

Meditations In An Emergency

This All My Children related emergency is a grave one, indeed: I don't know if I am ever going to see the work of Lorraine Broderick, because the show will have broken either my mind or my television set (I learn by example and, unfortunately, the example set for me by too many of my soaps includes innocent inanimate objects being on the wrong end of a beatdown) long before her episodes start to air. Tragic!

"Tragic" is a good way to describe AMC as a whole. I know I should be relieved that the end to the Charles Pratt era is coming and that I should be hopeful that a new writer will reintroduce the show to concepts like continuity and logic and history and staying true to characters, but (A) I was similarly relieved and hopeful at the end of the McTavish and B&E eras and look where that got me! It got me a few inches closer to a nervous breakdown and (B) the end isn't coming fast enough for my liking. Why can life not have a fast forward button?!

So all I can do is complain. And while I sometimes feel guilty for my endless bitching, I think it's warranted in this case, because as I was catching up on last week's episodes, I started to take notes in order to compile a Ten Most Ridiculous Things Heard on AMC This Week list.

And then I became a bit disturbed by how quickly I got to ten...especially since I had only made it to the beginning of Wednesday's episode.

There is much to snark on (yet another Zach/Kendall implosion, the Pine Valley justice system, Tad and Krystal's upsetting kiss, etc.) but the clear winner in terms of sheer fuckery is the latest in the Jake/Amanda/David story.

You know what's REALLY annoying about the revelation that David is not Trevor's father, aside from the fact that this is something that could have been answered with one of the three morons involved in this story (two of them doctors!) ordering a simple DNA test months ago before the forced pregnancies and fake dead babies? How completely over-the-top the show has been about the truth behind Trevor's paternity, with Jake making BILLIONS of assertions that he is not the baby's father. Literally, billions.

Jake: And you know what else is never gonna change? The fact that Trevor will always, always be David's son. Always.

Jake: Well, Trevor's not my flesh and blood, so --

Jake: I can't, uh, I can't do this anymore. Tearing my heart out over you, and you just don't seem to really honor this, you know. I mean, look at me, I'm down here worried about another man's child, and not just any man. David Hayward. So at the end of the day I'm just a guy who happens to be married to the mom of that little boy. He might not know this, but I went through all of this before with Colby, and now I'm doing it with Trevor, and I can't. I can't do it.

Jake: It's not just what you did with David. I mean, it's crushed me. I don't know exactly how I'm gonna deal with that. No. It's -- I just can't see myself raising that man's offspring. I love you. I mean, I am very much in love with you. I just -- I can't -- I can't raise that man's children. I can't do it. I can't.

Jake: I can't be Trevor's father, because I'm not allowed to be his father. It hurts too much, anyway, and I'm done pretending to be his dad and pretending about you and everything.

Jake: You know that he's not really my son, right? I was never really Trevor's father.

Jake: Tad, you cannot lose something that was never yours. Trevor was never my son.

GET IT? Because Jake IS Trevor's father. He IS, but he thinks he's NOT. Get it now? It's so freaking clever!

I don't know how much longer I can put up with this before I start taking hostages.

And then there is the latest mustache-twirling evil plan of evil David's: to fake a terminal illness in hopes that it will keep Amanda by his side, forever. I mean, I guess it makes a little sense, since faking deaths is what people in this town do best.

David: No. I mean me. I have six months.

Amanda: Oh, my God. What are you talking about?

David: That's how long I have left to live.

Pretty ridiculously stupid, right?

SPEAKING OF, this is an approximation of Amanda's reaction:

David: I'm dying.

Amanda: You're lying! You're evil and I don't believe you!

David: No, no, I, uh, have a disease that, uh...can only be treated with medication from, uh...foreign countries, and, uh...it's bad, dude, it's really bad.

Amanda: Well, in that case, forget that righteous anger! This not at all conveniently timed and poorly explained sickness changes everything! What can I do to help you, David?!?!

It's amazing that I went from begging the soap gods to give Amanda some sort of story to muting the television half the time that she's on because I can't make myself listen to her inane babble. Be careful what you wish for and all that...

I'm at a loss for the purpose of this entire debacle. It's not at all entertaining. It's only interesting in a "How much worse can this actually get? [Five seconds go by] Oh, it can get that much worse" kind of way. And not one of these people is worth rooting for. And since I found myself rooting for freaking Liza this week (!!!!) that is a serious statement indeed.

Comments

Inane babble & that squeaky, whiny, nails on the chalkboard voice of hers- OMG- all I can say is - I hope tiic aren't banking on Amanda to save the show in LA. Anyway, I won't be around- I'm going with TK.

Oh Susannah!, I am terrified to know what goes on in the minds of the powers-that-be. This story has been one WTF after the next and for some reason, I don't think you'll be alone in leaving when TK does...

I think you could just take this:

"I'm at a loss for the purpose of this entire debacle. It's not at all entertaining. It's only interesting in a 'How much worse can this actually get? [Five seconds go by] Oh, it can get that much worse' kind of way. And not one of these people is worth rooting for."

And just post it for every GH and AMC episode you watch at this point.

That dialogue is so awful I couldn't make it through your recap.

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