Serial Drama

Miss Manners Needs To Make a Comeback

My eyes have (barely) recovered from the plaid coat assault and my hearing is back intact after temporarily striking due to the words spoken during today's General Hospital. Do you know what it says about a show when a primary complaint is that the show causes the senses to stop functioning?! Well, mostly it means that the person doing the complaining is melodramatic and prone to hyperbole, but also that this show is home to more confusing, offensive and poorly written things than one single hour of television has any right to be.

In the interest of fairness, I should admit off the bat that there was a moment today that made me giddy. And no, it wasn't the back-to-boring Rebecca making plans to bid Port Charles farewell; it was even better. It was small, but it brought me such joy.

Elizabeth: Last year, Cameron spent three hours running around this place trying to pick a tree. This year, you and I will pick two or three, and he can make the final selection.

Lucky: Yeah. The best-laid plans.

Elizabeth: Oh, geez. Don't let him see this one.

Lucky: Why not?

Elizabeth: Well, because it's all bare on this side. Don't you remember the tree he picked last year because he felt sorry for it?

Is that not the greatest thing in the universe? Everything about Cameron Webber is delightful, from his adorability on-screen to the fascinating tidbits we learn about him from his parents. It's a nice reminder that there is a shining star who doesn't let the moral cesspool that is this town get him down.

Many other Port Charles residents could learn a lesson from Cam, because their sense of boundaries and common decency is seriously lacking!

Lisa: I get that Robin is still subjected to a whole lot of garbage from ignorant, small-minded people. I'm not judging her. But I can't believe you choose to keep quiet about something so huge in your life.

"I am so shocked, not to mention offended, that you didn't take it upon yourself to immediately notify your college girlfriend about your wife's medical condition! When you date someone in college, it bonds you for life, and you're entitled to know all about them for forever!'

To be fair to Lisa, it's entirely possible that she heard about how Patrick talked about another of his wife's medical conditions to everyone within earshot at the beginning of the year and that she's merely confused about this confidentiality thing starting now.

Patrick: Robin isn't sick, Lisa. We lead a very normal life.

Lisa: Except for the precautions you have to take while having sex, assuming you do have sex, and the baby wasn't born in vitro.

I'm trying to think of what kind of social disorder Lisa has that has led her to believe that interrogating her ex-boyfriend about his sex life and the conception of his child is appropriate. The first that comes to mind is Crazy Cakes, but I'm not sure if that's listed in the DSM-IV.

The One Thing This Show Won't Murder

The worst thing about winter, besides the snow, and the cold, and the days getting shorter, is that it's time for soaps to break out the heavy outwear which means that, for the third year in a row, Robin Scorpio is roaming about town in the hideous plaid coat of which I have an irrational, obsessive hatred.

Why?

 

 
 
I'd like someone to explain to me why the General Hospital writing staff refuses to acknowledge history, character motivation and events that unfolded on-screen earlier in an episode while the General Hospital wardrobe department is all, "Put Robin in a different coat?! No! This coat has been an essential part of the character for the past two years! It's who she is!"

There were many developments on today's GH that are crying out for discussion, and discuss them I will, once I gather the strength to re-watch a scene that irritated me so much that my ears intervened and wouldn't let me hear the rest of it. You know which scene I mean.

Close Talking and an Acting Master Class

I admit I found some of the developments on One Life to Live last week overly contrived or frustrating (to name just one, they're just dropping the whole gay marriage thing lickety-split by have the no-nonsense, strident Amelia ditch the whole plan to get back together with her ex-girlfriend, local psychic Delphina?!), but for me, Friday's episode made up for it in spades.  No, I didn't enjoy Todd's bored discussion with Starr (was this supposed to be a bonding moment so that later it'll hit harder when she learns he has another daughter?), and I find Mitch rather dull and utterly un-menacing from a hospital bed (discharge papers, please!), but how soulless would I have to be to complain about an episode in which Dorian was wearing this hat:

I wouldn't mess with someone in that hat.  That is a power hat, people.  That is the kind of hat you wear when you just got dumped by your fake fiance and then got a special delivery threatening your family.  Dorian means business.  (Side note: this was really Robin Strasser's year.  She was front and center from beginning to end, and reminded us why she is an institution in this genre -- I'll get weepy if she's shown no Emmy love, but unfortunately Daytime Emmys seem to only love women who play mental breakdowns.)

Then there was Blair and Tea's bizarre "conversation" in which Tea told Blair that Ross getting killed was Blair's fault.  Eh?  I was waiting for a "Hey, thanks for that little GPS trick that made it possible for the cops to find my daughter," or "Oops, sorry you got held hostage at gunpoint because of the choices I've made regarding my daughter's parentage," but at the end of the day that would be out of character for Tea.  And as much as I don't need to see Blair and Tea becoming besties, I did love that no matter what, Blair (despite being a schemer) has a huge, huge heart.  I do like it when Carlivati remembers that, since he seems hell-bent on using her as a punching bag most of the time.  We'll see, though.  I'm crossing my fingers for a non-Todd story for her.  And speaking of Blair being the bigger person?  And how!

I knew Kassie de Paiva was tall, but damn!

What's Another Word for Anti-Climactic?

I appreciate a good Friday cliffhanger as much as the next soap fan, and I suppose that you could argue that Zach and Kendall's reunion on Friday's All My Children was exactly that: a cliffhanger kept purposely short so that you tune in on Monday to see an actual reunion go down, and I'd maybe even buy that if commercials, and the episode description on my DVR and on ABC.com didn't say "Kendall reunites with Zach", as if that were the episode's major focus.

It was six seconds!

Kendall: Zach! Zach! Zach! Zach, don't! Zach, don't! Please, please, please, don't.

Zach: Hey, hey. You all right?

Kendall: Yes, yes, yes, I am now. I am now.

When the episode was half over and there was still no reunion in sight, I started to panic and wondered if this was some special two hour episode, which, naturally, horrified me. I believe the phrase "Egads, I can't do this for two hours" may have been verbalized at some point, because the bulk of Friday's show was...well, it was All My Children.

David threw an enormous party to announce to his worst enemies, ex-wife and daughter that he's dying (even though he isn't really, and I have to say that I am disappointed that someone so diabolical is pulling such an amateur stunt! This is the stuff of young vixens, not dastardly adults) and to give them gifts to make up for the myriad ways in which he ruined their lives.

Adam Chandler accurately reflects my take on the proceedings.

When the AMC writing staff learned there would be a party, they seemed to say, "This is excellent, because we can now take advantage of rehashing lame stories and introducing poorly conceived new ones!"

And when the AMC wardrobe department saw that there would be a party, they seemed to say, "OH, YES! Finally, an excuse to use all of these hideous clothes!" because most of the fashion choices at this shindig were not okay.

I say "most" because there was one person who looked completely stunning, and if I were her, I'd wear my hair like this all the time and never take this dress off.

 

"Why, hello, fellow Target shoppers! Don't you just love my amazing sparkly dress? Excuse me, you're blocking the Post-It notes..."

When David was giving his presents out to make amends, and he gave Amanda full custody of Trevor, I was holding out hope that he'd give her a second gift. The gift of brains, because as much as I adore the girl, she's been so dim lately that she probably shouldn't walk around unsupervised.

Amanda: I just keep thinking about how this is David's last Christmas, you know, the only one he's ever gonna spend with his son.

You pretty, gullible dimwit.

Today In James Franco News

A friend texted me last night, "Your imaginary boyfriend Joel McHale is talking about your imaginary boyfriend James Franco".

Yes, it's true! Like Cameron Mathison's thong before him, James Franco's Franco made his way to The Soup and Joel McHale asked the questions we've all wondered: why is he doing this? And how badly does Franco want to make out with Jason?

Edit: HUGE thanks to Katie for sending me the clip!

Here's what we know about the character James Franco is playing on General Hospital: he is an artist obsessed with photographing dead bodies, and wants to meet known gangster Jason Morgan. And when he meets him, he asks for nothing more than common decency.

(Shows clip of Franco being a kind host, offering Jason chips and dip)

There are six more layers in that dip than the complexity of that writing.

Joel, you don't even know the half of it!

(Looks at picture of James Franco) Did you lose a bet or something? Here's what we don't know: why is James Franco playing a character on General Hospital, and does his character want to kill Jason Morgan, or make love to him?

(Plays one of the more homoerotic Jason/Franco clips)

Those eHarmony first dates are always very awkward. (To James Franco's picture) Seriously, do you have a huge debt or something?

And! Tonight, James Franco hosts Saturday Night Live for the second time, proving that he has some sort of affection, or maybe pity, for shows with horrendous writing.

He was very funny the last time he hosted (I know I am not the most reliable judge of his performances, on account of the crazy, but he was!), so I am as optimistic as I can possibly be about an episode of SNL. Although if they do a Gilly sketch, all bets are off.

What Just Happened, and How Do I Feel About It?

Two facts:

• I was once told that I am so blinded by Rebecca Herbst's hair that I am unable to see the character of Liz for what she really is, and that I give her a pass on everything she does. I don't know if this is true, exactly, because I spent the entirety of the Jason/Jake paternity lie story doing a "back-burner" dance in hopes that it would end the story and lessen Liz's airtime
• I was informed by Simone and Mala's blogthat part of today's GH was rage-inducing, and I started to wonder if I should, like, "accidentally" delete the episode from my DVR, and make myself unavailable during the SOAPNet GH marathon, and block YouTube on my computer so that I'd never have to see it.

But I braved it and watched the full episode, and, dear readers, I am CONFLICTED.

However, there is one thing that I am not at all conflicted about, and it is the moment that Liz turned around and snapped at Rebecca "Why don't you shut the hell up, I'm not even talking to you!" and then she and Lucky made these faces.

The only reason to feel conflicted about that moment is being torn about whether to giggle with glee or cackle with delight.

Okay, so, back to my inner turmoil: Rebecca knows the truth about Liz and Nikolas and is planning to tell Lucky, and then Liz and Nikolas (who made a single douchey expression for the entire episode and I wanted to kick him in the face) interrupted and Rebecca made a smartass remark about Liz and Lucky's fairytale love, and shit got real, because Liz explained that their love started when she got raped.

Rebecca: Spare me, Lucky. I know all about the Four Musketeers. Emily's schoolgirl crush on Nikolas that turned into the love story for the ages. The magic of Elizabeth and Lucky.

Elizabeth: You know nothing. You want to know how all the magic got started? I was raped.

Did Elizabeth use her rape to shut Rebecca up, and did General Hospital use Elizabeth's rape in order to make her actions now more sympathetic? Or was it an appropriate response? This is why I need to have a point/counterpoint: "Uh, that was totally wrong" / "Liz was completely in the right (and also has shiny hair, which has nothing to do with her rightness in this situation".

Team Totally Wrong: Liz DESPERATELY wants to keep Rebecca's mouth shut about the fact that she's a brother fucker, as evidenced by the fact that she SPRINTED into Jake's to interrupt Lucky and Rebecca's conversation and spoke in a high-pitched, nervous "What, am I being weird? I'm not being weird! Ha! Ha ha! Is anyone else hot? Hey, look over there, a diversion!" manner, and told her a story almost guaranteed to get Rebecca's sympathy.

Team Completely Right: Really, the snide way that Rebecca mentioned "the magic of Elizabeth and Lucky" irked me to no end, and I don't really blame Liz for going the "Are you serious, you ignorant grifter bitch?" route, because really, as soon as she sneered that line, my head immediately jerked to my calendar to see how close we were to the end of Rebecca's time on this show. 

A Recast and an Anvil

I am late in commenting on this, but holy cannoli! Mr. Matthews (AKA "William Russ) is out as Tucker McCall. Replacing him: Stephen Nichols. !!! That is insanely exciting.

My friend Erin and I have a list of celebrities who can do no wrong and all celebrities must go through a complex vetting process in order to earn a spot on the list. Were there such a list for soap actors, Stephen Nichols would most certainly be on it; I think he earned the spot based solely on Steve Johnson, but when you figure in that he was also Stefan Cassadine, well...I think that's pretty much the definition of "can do no wrong".

I am SO seriously looking forward to seeing him interact with the Y&R cast.

But at the same time, I'm sad for William Russ. Especially since I no longer have the chance to work bizzarre references to Boy Meets World into all of my Y&R posts. I mean, I guess I still can, but they'd be bizarre and out of context without him in the cast.

And about that anvil...

Lauren: We've had some pretty close calls. You know, our honeymoon, the warehouse.

Michael: We are still standing.

Lauren: The only other time I felt this uncomfortable--

Michael: Don't. Don't say her name.

Lauren: I'm not gonna pretend that Sheila never existed. She ruined my life and my relationship with Scotty for many years.

Michael: Sheila is dead. There's no reason for you to go there.

Sheila is not dead, on her way back to town and also Ryder's mother, isn't she? If that is the case, I offer a heavy sigh and eyeroll in advance!

Yesterday's Dumbest...Well, Everything

As we watch the continuing destruction of the character of Aidan Devane and make our way to what will be an amazingly short-lived Zach and Kendall reunion, I have so many questions.

The biggest question of all is, of course, why the hell this had to happen in the first place. You want to trim the cast and get rid of the handsome British guy that you've had back-burnered for six months and instead of just writing him off by letting him fade away and having someone bring him up a few months later like, "I just got a postcard from Foxy Aidan. He's [insert story here that is normal and happy and has nothing to do with going insane and kidnapping a former girlfriend] and loving it!", you make him into an awful psychopath. You have a lead actress who is going to be having a baby, and you decide that the best way to cover up her pregnancy is put her in unflattering clothes and have her held hostage in various locales. You have an enormously popular couple whose time on the show is coming to an end and rather than giving them a few happy weeks together, have them separated in the angstiest of ways. What the hell?! It's like the show decided to do the worst thing possible for every aspect of this story and the only plausible explanation I can come up with is severe head injury.

But I have other questions. Like how did Zach all of a sudden become psychic and realize exactly what went down between Kendall and Aidan? I mean, I don't think he actually had a vision, he just sort of played in his head what could have happened, but it totally read as a psychic vision.

And how does his facial hair grow so quickly?

Wednesday:

 
Thursday:

??

And, really, why is Aidan all shouty crackers?!

Aidan: You're gonna do exactly what you're told. You belong with me now. Where do you think you're going? You're not going anywhere. Don't be stupid. I'll kill you first. He never deserved you. You should have been with me this whole time. You'll forget about him. I promise. You do exactly what I told you, or I'll kill your mother if you so much as wink at her.

What is the purpose of this story? If it is to make me weep with sadness, and anger, mission accomplished!

AND! How did Aidan get Kendall into, and out of, the hotel room without anyone seeing her?

But, for some reason, the question bothering me the most: WHY would Aidan use his real name at the hotel?! What the hell kind of superspy is this jackass?! I used code names when I was writing notes in seventh grade math class and he can't be bothered to think of one to use while he's imprisoning someone against her will?!

Revolution Nine

Now, forgive me if you already knew this, but

I just heard about this fantastic new movie that's coming out called

NINE! It's a musical, you guys, and it has an awesome cast, and awesome songs, and is the most awesome thing to ever happen in the history of the world, and luckily for us, it opens

Everywhere on Christmas!

It's not that I even mind the product placement. In order to survive, soaps need to make money somehow, and if the easiest way for them to do this is shilling for big budget, splashy movies that are under performing with critics, well fine! Pimp, pimp hooray!

But goodness, this product placement is supremely stilted and unnatural, and I know you're asking yourselves, "Mallory, All My Children and General Hospital's dialogue and storytelling are always stilted and unnatural. Why would they do a sudden about-face and start writing well for their advertisers?" And I don't have a retort for that, but come on!

General Hospital:

Coleman: Oh, yeah. It's for "Nine."

Kate: Fabulous. Very sexy.

Coleman: Yeah, especially Penelope Cruz.

Kate: Oh, so you like Penelope.

Coleman: Oh, honey, she makes my mustache curl. The idea of her sharing the screen with Kate Hudson, now that's--you know, I better not say.

Kate: Yeah, you better not. Men, so predictable.

Coleman: Why, did I mention that Sophia Loren is in the movie as well?

Kate: Sophia Loren. Well, now you surprise me, Coleman.

Coleman: I will have you know that I have seen every one of her movies. I mean, come on. She's one elegant broad.

Kate: Hmm. Well, the movie poster certainly classes up the joint.

Coleman: Baby, you class up the place.

Kate: So when does "Nine" open? Maybe I'll get tickets to the premiere.

Coleman: Ah, Christmas Day. Ho ho ho.

All My Children:

Krystal: Actually, I was planning on going out anyway. I was going to see that new movie Nine, the musical.

Tad: Yeah, that's supposed to be fantastic. Man, what a cast! Daniel Day Lewis, Kate Hudson. FERGIE! Penelope Cruz..mmm.

Krystal: The choreography's supposed to be great.

Cameraman: Let me take a moment to do an insane close-up of the newspaper ad for Nine, the musical, opening everywhere Christmas Day.  

Why even bother doing this in character? It would be WAY less irritating to to have Michael E. Knight and Bobbie Eakes break character and address the audience directly. Because Bobbie Eakes is adorable and wonderful, and I'd totally take a film recommendation from her, but Krystal isn't exactly the type of person we turn to for advice and if I were a petty, over-invested soap fan, I'd go out of my way to avoid things suggested by her. But I am not a petty, over-invested soap fan.

(I AM a petty, over-invested celeb water and I will therefore be avoiding this movie with every fiber of my being because I loathe Nicole Kidman)

They would have been able to go all out with the Fergie shoutout! It was cute that MEK stressed her name, but if they just broke the fourth wall, they'd have been able to appeal to Leo du Pres lovers directly by telling them/us to go see this movie because Josh Duhamel's wife is in it and that would make him happy!

Or at LEAST they could have had a scroll running at the bottom of the screen saying "PLEASE SEE NINE PLEASE SEE NINE JASON MORGAN IS AWESOME PLEASE SEE NINE". Why am I not in charge of ABC Daytime?!

Oh, well, at least Bobbie Eakes, MEK, Blake Gibbons and Megan Ward have scenes to put on their Emmy reels, because being able to do a Nine infomercial without cracking up is impressive, indeed.

*I know that One Life to Live also participated in the pimp-a-thon and I have no doubt that, while it may have been heavy-handed and lame, it was, like the rest of the show, miles ahead of its peers.

A Special AMC Event

This is sort of old news, but! For any All My Children fans in the tri-state area, the New York Times Arts & Leisure Weekend is having a pretty awesome AMC event on Sunday, January 10th at noon. Tickets cost $30 and you get to see:

Creator and head writer, Agnes Nixon, actors Susan Lucci, Cameron Mathison, Rebecca Budig and Debbi Morgan, and executive producer Julie Hanan Carruthers on ABC’s daytime drama launched in 1970 and life in Pine Valley over the past 40 years, featuring readings from the show’s groundbreaking scripts. Interviewed by Jacques Steinberg.

Awesome, no? I am planning on going, because how could I pass up the chance to see Susan Lucci's hair in person?! I will bring back a full report.