Serial Drama

Soap Blog Coalition

One Life to Live's cast decked the halls at O'Neals in New York City on Monday. Erika Slezak and Patricia Elliot showed up along with executive producer Frank Valentini, head scribe Ron Carlivati and many more! (Daytime Confidential)

GHOFS discusses Rick Springfield's upcoming autobiography entitled "Late, Late, Night". (GHOFS)

The PVB's "Where Are They Now?" feature has been resurrected!! Check out our exclusive interview with William Mooney, AMC's Paul Martin! (Pine Valley Bulletin)

The cast of General Hospital and their fans contributed their time last Saturday to Habitat For Humanity's 'The House That General Hospital Fans Built' event in Los Angeles. Check out the pictures and recap of the event! (Scrubs Hub)

General Hospital has been great...every Wednesday, at least. The Serial Drama girls don't get why quality episodes only come once a week, but they don't want to jinx anything by complaining about it. (Serial Drama)

A new "Where Are They Now" videos series kicks off with writer Thom Racina who talks about his soap career, living with Brad Pitt and the future of daytime. (We Love Soaps)

This weekend in LA, Habitat for Humanity hosted "The House that GH Fans Built" and Alberta Wubs, Lobster Mascot for Wubs Net was along for the build! See photos and catch up on other GH news in the Sunday Surgery. (Wubs)

Wednesday's Show Is Full Of...Whoa!

Wednesdays have, for whatever reason, become the day that the General Hospital powers-that-be have reserved for being good soap, if last Wednesday and today are any indication. And you know what, normally I'd question this, and sneer derisively and wonder why they can only manage to take their heads out of their asses one day a week, but I don't want to jinx this relative upswing in quality, so I am not going to ask any questions!

All I know is that GH usually ends and I feel the urge to throw a shoe at my television in response to the angst and awfulness of the preceding hour, but today, all I could do was sit back and marvel at the (nearly) across the board great performances and good writing, develop a craving for Christmas cookies and use Scott Reeves's name in a game of MASH.

Yes, he's tiny and a bit overtanned, but he's so pretty

and yesterday, he wore glasses!

I make passes at men who wear glasses!

Anyway, as I was saying before I got distracted by the wee pretty, nearly every aspect of today's show delighted me. A show that involved copious amounts of Maxie and Spinelli, and Sonny, and Luke, at that. It's  shocking, no?

I mean, seriously, I'm usually good for a few (hundred) words of rage, but today, the only real complaint I had is my routine complaint about Maurice Benard's tortured line readings, two examples of which I did my best to transcribe below, but the bizarre spacing and pausing is much weirder when you hear it.

Sonny, to Michael: Your...motherprobably...s.....ent a rescue team.

Sonny, to Lucky: I saw...howyourd...ad felt

So many question marks! The biggest of all being what is happening to the world if this is the most glaring flaw in an episode?! Down is up, left is right, cops are good guys!

Criminals and the Criminally Lame

It took me all of six minutes to watch today's episode of All My Children. I started the episode with the best of intentions, planning to watch the entire thing with...well, not exactly with an open mind, but I was going to try not to pre-judge the episode and sit through the whole thing, which was a ridiculous goal to begin with, so it's unsurprising that I failed, ESPECIALLY since the show revolved mainly around Annie's trial and the drama surrounding Madison, her father and Randi. Those are two plots GUARANTEED to have me diving for the remote and pressing the fast forward button so violently that I sprain a finger.

As far as the former is concerned, we all know how I feel about Pine Valley's version of the justice system. To recap: I feel pure hatred for it, and watching the circus that is Annie's trial is not easy for me.

And as to the latter...I generally have no problem being honest about my feelings and have a tendency to be blunt, overly harsh and incredibly critical and even I feel bad talking about Denise Vasi's performance. She seems like a lovely girl, and she tries so, so hard! So I feel like I am saying nasty things about an adorable puppy when I say that the show could easily recast her with a Cabbage Patch doll and have an animatronic voice read Randi's lines and viewers would either not notice or they'd wonder why Randi all of a sudden has so much more screen presence. See?! I am a mean and awful person! Although to be fair, she's not at all helped by the writers, who have made Randi nearly too dumb to function and boring on top of that.

But there IS a silver lining to the Madison/Randi/Madison's Creepy Father story, albeit a silver lining that rewrites history: Erica's memories of her own troubled past. Now, as far as I know, Erica's father wasn't abusive--he abandoned her, not abused her, right? And the scenes that Erica is remembering from her fourteenth birthday party are from when Richard Fields raped her (and got her pregnant with Kendall), not from anything with her father hurting her, which seems to be what the show is trying to sell. I am not at all surprised that this show blithely ignores and/or tramples on history, I'm just pointing that out. Unless I am wrong, which is possible.

Where was I? Oh, right, silver lining: the show is giving us the MOST AMAZING FLASHBACKS EVER TELEVISED: SUSAN LUCCI AS FOURTEEN YEAR OLD ERICA.

The world is a better place because of the insane decision they had in the mid-90s to film these ridiculous flashbacks.

Brought To You By "Every Breath You Take"

I was originally going to title this entry, "Who do I have to kill to get a little romance on this show?", but I knew that the General Hospital writers have an answer to that question (Quartermaines) and I didn't want to encourage the writers to add more bodies to that mausoleum.

Today's GH was incredibly unsettling. And what is, perhaps, most unsettling of all is that the creepiest parts of the show had nothing to do with the show's cold-blooded murderers, but were about love! Or at least the dark, bastardized definition of love that the show has seized upon.

Nikolas, for example, has decided he should take advantage of Rebecca's blackmail and use the opportunity to get with Liz for real. A slightly paraphrased recap of their conversation:

NIKOLAS: So, great news, you know how Rebecca is a con artist and basically unstable? Well, it turns out that she's willing to keep our secret if we hook her up with Lucky. Win/win/win!
ELIZABETH: Why is that...no.
NIKOLAS: If we pair those two dweebs off, we'll have the chance to be together forever, or until I find a new married, engaged or otherwise attached woman to have a connection with.
ELIZABETH: No.
NIKOLAS: Is this about Lucky? Do you feel guilty?
ELIZABETH: YES, don't you?
NIKOLAS: ...meh.
ELIZABETH: I want to be with Lucky. It's the right thing to do for him, and for my boys...
NIKOLAS: Well, if it's the boys you're worried about, I've got one of those around...somewhere. With Alfred. Or...somewhere.

And then! This is not at all paraphrased:

Nikolas: You do not love him the way you love me.
Elizabeth: Don't tell me how I feel.
Nikolas: I don't have to tell you how you feel, because you already know it's written all over your face every time we're together.

We all know how she feels, because it's written all over her face every time they are together: she feels NAUSEOUS, Nikolas.

Seeing that his plan to convince Liz that she's in love with him wasn't going well, he threw a Hail Mary pass and confessed that he was so in love with her. He even attempted to muster up a lone teardrop! It was incredibly uncomfortable.

But the most uncomfortable moment came later:

Nikolas: Of course I feel guilty, I'm betraying my brother. It's a terrible thing to do, but--

Maybe it's just me, but that sentence shouldn't end with a but!

Nikolas: Just because he loves you doesn't mean I don't get to!

And with that immature tantrum, it became my greatest wish that someone put us all out of our misery by smothering Nikolas with his hideous, oversized coat.

This Is A Little Dry...

It has been near impossible to watch a full episode of The Young and the Restless without being overcome with the urge to take a nap.

Of course, it is possible that the overwhelming desire for sleep is due to the frigid weather; I'm always cold as it is, and when you figure in frigid temperatures, then I'm extremely cold and sit with a blanket on me at all times, and a blanket often makes me want to go to sleep. But I think it's more likely that the show itself is dulling my senses and making my eyes heavy.

Take, for example, Friday's episode, which I finally watched this afternoon. The moment that I was most engaged with what I was seeing onscreen was during the commercials! A commercial for A&E's new "reality" show about the Jackson Five irked me to the point where I had a visceral, verbal reaction to it and shouted insults at Jermaine, who I think we can all agree is the worst Jackson. Why is that even a thing, first of all, and why are they taking away precious Criminal Minds episodes to make room for this freakshow on Sunday nights?

The show itself? Dull.

• Soap operas have an unfortunate reputation for being mindless, and cheesy, and televised versions of Harlequin romances, and The Young and the Restless often goes too far in attempting to prove that's not the case. In the grand tradition of such engrossing storylines as "the cutthroat campaign for state senate", "a trip to the senate ethics committee' and "the thing that starts with an R and rhymes with beliquary that I am afraid to type, lest the show get any ideas", Friday's Y&R episode continued the convoluted (and boring) story about Chancellor going public and shares being sold.

Neil: Oh, yeah. You bet I am. Tucker McCall is the Evel Knievel of the business world, accomplishing unimaginable feats. He--making them look easy. Case in point-- Collins/Macarthur. They were on life support until McCall singlehandedly stepped in and brought 'em back from the dead. So to me, business is like an art, and that was a masterpiece.

Kay: Mm. He's an iconoclast not bound to the old ways of thinking. I, uh, I really appreciate that.

I'd appreciate a business story that was written with some sense of what the business world is like (not that I am an expert in the field of business, but I do watch the thirty second CNBC segments on the local news in the morning!)! And maybe some entertainment, while I'm making apparently unreasonable demands.

• And this was followed up with Billy taking a stand behind the first amendment. And what did he get for his troubles? Sent to jail, for contempt of court! Maybe I'm just burned out on court stories right now, thanks to my exposure to Pine Valley's bizarre legal system, but those scenes made me want to do nothing but watch Law & Order.

• And then there was some garbage.

Amber: Will we ever celebrate an anniversary?

Daniel: Of course we will. (Chuckles) You just can't lose hope, that's all.

Amber: I know. It's just hard, you know? I just can't stand sleeping in our bed without you.

Daniel: Well, I'm never without you, 'cause I dream about you every night.

• And then ACTUAL GARBAGE.

  

  
  

  

That is what Y&R thinks a landfill looks like. So many questions, all of them starting with "What the hell...?"

I just don't know what to make of this show. Not that long ago, I was riveted, and now, the only thing that has my full interest is Jack, because of my well-documented, deep (and, let's face it, a bit creepy and irrational) love of Peter Bergman, and even his story is pushing it at the moment, which is just COMPLETELY depressing. Mr. Matthews as Tucker McCall (which is a terrible name) does show promise, so maybe this coming week will be better...? Let me cling to that dream.

The Fanboy and the Hitman

Any ambivalence I had about the Franco and Jason scenes of Thursday's episode went quickly out the window today, because the entirety of their time together had me giggling with delight. Delight that rivaled the look of delight on Franco's face whenever he looked at Jason!

Franco, offering Jason snacks: Chips and dip, M&Ms...only have the red ones, though. The other colors taste different. Have you ever noticed that?

(He REPEATEDLY offered Jason chips and dip throughout the episode and pointed out that the dip was spinach and artichoke, as if that would sweeten the pot!)

Franco: Conviction set aside for the murder of Luis Alcazar. Acquitted in the trial of his brother Lorenzo. What is it with you and this family?...and you shot up a church. Ever worry about eternal damnation there, Jase?

Franco: I would have thought that you'd see it instantly.
Jason: See what?
Franco: Us. We're the same.

Franco: Let's review: we're both obsessed with death, but today, who isn't? We're both obsessed with death. And we're both artistes.

Franco: Like I said, soulmates! You don't give a second thought to those you kill. You're not eaten up with regret, guilt. You murder, and then you leave the emotional baggage for someone else. THAT is art.

Jason: Is that what you do? Do you kill people? How many?
Franco: Gosh, who keeps count these days? Do you actually put notches somewhere?

Franco: I've killed dozens of times, in many different ways ::breaks into a demented, blissful smile:: All in my imagination!

Jason: About Claudia Corinthos--
Franco: 1,023 [seconds. He counted the seconds! DIES AND IS DEAD--Ed.]! That seemed like that took forever, didn't it? From now on, I'm not counting on you to pick up the conversation.

Franco: I swear, I almost started crying, for joy.

Franco: Unless you left [Joey Limbo] for me? So we could work together? Thank you...thank you so much. Now tell me we weren't separated at birth!

Franco: You and your girlfriend slamming into that cabin like Starsky and Hutch...

IS THIS REAL LIFE?

It's like the show finally said, "You know what? I am an absurd, terrible, murder-fetishizing show with an unhealthy love of a morally corrupt killer. Why not just go all out?" And then it did. And I enjoyed every minute of it.

The fact that I am now on the record as unreservedly praising General Hospital is shameful enough (although I hope to retain a small amount of street cred since I do recognize that some of the greatness of this Franco story is of the "so bad its..." variety), but how am I supposed to cope with the fact that I am unreservedly praising Bob Guza's words? He wrote all the Franco story, dialogue and all...dialogue that literally made me laugh out loud and clap my hands like a demented seal.

Damn it! You've won this round, Guza.

(Although the Franco half of the dialogue wasn't too much of a writerly stretch for him, was it? It's not like he needed to search for inspiration for how to write a Jason-obsessed maniac)

(Also, the fact that he knows that Michael killed Claudia confirms that he will be murdered by Jason. We all assumed that, but now it's a certainty)

The parts of the show not dealing with the epic Jason/Franco romance varied from very good to very bad to "Write about it? I'm going to pretend I never saw it."

When "The View" Met "All My Children"

It sounds like an especially horrific fanfic, doesn't it?

I have been roundly mocked by several friends and family members for making a point of watching today's All My Children fiesta on The View (it's my own fault for telling them, I realize. At least I wised up and didn't mention that I've been watching a ton of Oprah lately. See what being on break does to me?), but here I am!

ABC Disney's corporate synergy is a wondrous thing when they feel like they want to pimp something out to the masses: Disney movies on their soaps, their soaps on their talk shows and they've even had a commercial for Scrubs touting its star, James Franco's brother Dave Franco (even though anyone who is awesome already knew him from their GENIUS Acting With James Franco series). So they are good at some things. Pity "producing more than one quality soap" isn't included under that umbrella...

11:00: Agnes Nixon introduces us to this very special episode of The View, and the announcer claims to be throwing AMC a bon voyage party that only the co-hosts can. Huh...that can be taken in numerous ways.

The co-hosts all enter to much fanfare, and many of them look...sparkly. Whoopi's vest and scarf combo, in particular, can probably be seen from space. They reminisce about their mothers and grandmothers loving their "stories". Barbara claims that AMC is 30 years old and is corrected by the audience, which doesn't exactly bode well for the show's AMC knowledge!

Sherri gives Erica Kane props for looking glamorous in jail and after waking up, and Joy claims that Susan Lucci looks exquisite without makeup. I am feeling charitable and will refrain from making comment. You can thank me later, Susan!

11:08: Agnes Nixon takes a look back at how it all started, and where it's headed. She's not in the studio, but appears in a pre-taped interview in a sassy suit and a lot of necklaces. I find her adorable.

In her own words: "I wanted to tell a story about the variety of people in the world, and the fact that we are all brothers and sisters, and within that brotherhood, there's a lot of problems. A lot of good, as well as a lot and lot of evil"

She lived outside of Philadelphia in a home called Pine Cottage, near the Delaware Valley. And a portmanteau of those names led to Pine Valley, and AMC premiering on January 5, 1970.

11:13: LOTS of old school clips: Vintage Lucci yelling at bears, Vintage Lucci sneering about being spoiled. Agnes says that Erica has a "bottomless pit of need" to be assured of being loved.

Agnes talks about how she was very interested in doing social issues stories, and as she lists of these stories, I can't help but think about how the writers who followed her managed to trample on these great stories: Erica's abortion (the introduction of Josh), Cindy and Stuart's love story and her AIDS, Bianca coming out (and then marrying a woman who was emotionally involved with a man).

As much as I love watching clips, I also get completely depressed at how good this show used to be! And I also get depressed about the big hair trend that swept the nation in the 1980s. What were people thinking?

11:15: Oh, now Agnes is in the studio and she says that the move to LA won't change anything and that the show will be the same. Well, now I'm more scared than I was before.

Elisabeth asks Agnes what social issues stories will be coming up, and Agnes valiantly tries to be polite as she says, paraphrased, "Um...we'll have to see what's in the news". Barbara mumbles something about the news headlines being soap operas of their own and throws it to commercial.

I'm Pretty Sure (A)I Hallucinated This and (B) It was the Greatest Hallucination Ever

FRANCO SHOOTING THE CELL PHONE

AND SETTING OUT SNACKS

AND LIGHTING A CANDLE

AND THEN THE DUMMY

 

I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Franco: It took you long enough. Welcome. Sorry, i don't mean to be rude, but you're a little slow picking up the hints. Or are you just playing hard to get? It's too much. Ugh, i knew it. Don't want to send the wrong message. Franco. Just Franco. Like Madonna. It's a pleasure and a privilege, Mr. Morgan. Can I call you Jason?

Obviously, the show needs to be canceled immediately. I'm just not sure if the cancellation would be in response to embarrassment over broadcasting a terrible, bizarre moment of sheer what-the-fuckery or the network realizing that, no matter what they do, they will never again come up with something so completely amazing.

I Assume This Is a Typo And They Meant "The Rest of the Couples of the Decade"

December, in addition to being filled with holidays and snow and the official start of winter and the very best drinks that Starbucks has to offer, is the official month of lists, since everyone decides to reflect upon the year that was and put their highlights and lowlights into list form.

I am fully in favor of this; any query about my favorite things will generally include an answer related to making lists. Is there anything in the world more satisfying than writing a good list? Even when I am completely swamped with work and things to do, there is something therapeutic about writing it all down in a to-do list (bonus points if it is on an adorable notepad and/or in adorable colored pens), and then typing it up in a to-do list, and then re-writing it on a Post-it note. I...should probably stop this tangent before I delve any further into my OCD nature and endless love of office supplies.

Where was I? Oh, right, the end of the year lists. I always have a hard time picking my Bests and Worsts of the year. It's way harder than it looks (and no matter what Becca and I choose at the end of the year, there are always people who are sickened and aghast at our picks), and I am sure that listing the Bests and Worsts of the decade is even more difficult! 

So, bearing all of that in mind, I know that what I am about to say makes me a complete hypocrite, but I cannot let this go unmentioned: SOAPNet. Best couples of the decade. Crack-smoking and blackmailing almost certainly involved.

I mean...I know that the SOAPNet powers-that-be are perplexed and a bit horrified at the "SOAP" part of that title, but their confusion must also extend to the definition of the word "best", because their top five soap couples of the decade are:

1 - Luke and Laura - GH
2. JR & Babe - AMC
3. John & Marlena - Days
4. Angie & Jesse - AMC
5. Victor & Nikki - Y&R

JR AND FUCKING BABE? Second best couple of the decade, ahead of the LEGENDARY couples rounding out the top five. I'm sorry, but Babe has no place being in the top two of any list titled "Best", unless the list is titled "Best Soap Deaths" or "Best Reason To Light Your Television Set On Fire".

The rest of the list, after the jump!

Special Programming Note: The Pine Valley View

The View, the show famous for the panelists squabbling at each other about everything, will have a specific squabble topic this Friday, December 11th: All My Children. Yes, it is a very special episode all about the valley...

Mark your calendars for Friday, December 11th: To celebrate All My Children's move out West, and its upcoming 40th anniversary, The View will dedicate an entire episode to all things AMC. Yes! Expect appearances by AMC creator Agnes Nixon, Susan Lucci (Erica), Debbi Morgan (Angie), Michael E. Knight (Tad), Cameron Mathison (Ryan), Rebecca Budig (Greenlee), Vincent Irizarry (David) -- and a surprise guest.

I will, of course, be live-blogging it. Why will I be watching a show that I hate talking about a show that I hate? I...don't know. Because maybe we'll hear news about some earth-shatteringly awesome story? Yeah, even I snorted derisively at myself for that one.