Now, forgive me if you already knew this, but
I just heard about this fantastic new movie that's coming out called
NINE! It's a musical, you guys, and it has an awesome cast, and awesome songs, and is the most awesome thing to ever happen in the history of the world, and luckily for us, it opens
Everywhere on Christmas!
It's not that I even mind the product placement. In order to survive, soaps need to make money somehow, and if the easiest way for them to do this is shilling for big budget, splashy movies that are under performing with critics, well fine! Pimp, pimp hooray!
But goodness, this product placement is supremely stilted and unnatural, and I know you're asking yourselves, "Mallory, All My Children and General Hospital's dialogue and storytelling are always stilted and unnatural. Why would they do a sudden about-face and start writing well for their advertisers?" And I don't have a retort for that, but come on!
Coleman: Oh, yeah. It's for "Nine."
Kate: Fabulous. Very sexy.
Coleman: Yeah, especially Penelope Cruz.
Kate: Oh, so you like Penelope.
Coleman: Oh, honey, she makes my mustache curl. The idea of her sharing the screen with Kate Hudson, now that's--you know, I better not say.
Kate: Yeah, you better not. Men, so predictable.
Coleman: Why, did I mention that Sophia Loren is in the movie as well?
Kate: Sophia Loren. Well, now you surprise me, Coleman.
Coleman: I will have you know that I have seen every one of her movies. I mean, come on. She's one elegant broad.
Kate: Hmm. Well, the movie poster certainly classes up the joint.
Coleman: Baby, you class up the place.
Kate: So when does "Nine" open? Maybe I'll get tickets to the premiere.
Coleman: Ah, Christmas Day. Ho ho ho.
All My Children:
Krystal: Actually, I was planning on going out anyway. I was going to see that new movie Nine, the musical.
Tad: Yeah, that's supposed to be fantastic. Man, what a cast! Daniel Day Lewis, Kate Hudson. FERGIE! Penelope Cruz..mmm.
Krystal: The choreography's supposed to be great.
Cameraman: Let me take a moment to do an insane close-up of the newspaper ad for Nine, the musical, opening everywhere Christmas Day.
Why even bother doing this in character? It would be WAY less irritating to to have Michael E. Knight and Bobbie Eakes break character and address the audience directly. Because Bobbie Eakes is adorable and wonderful, and I'd totally take a film recommendation from her, but Krystal isn't exactly the type of person we turn to for advice and if I were a petty, over-invested soap fan, I'd go out of my way to avoid things suggested by her. But I am not a petty, over-invested soap fan.
(I AM a petty, over-invested celeb water and I will therefore be avoiding this movie with every fiber of my being because I loathe Nicole Kidman)
They would have been able to go all out with the Fergie shoutout! It was cute that MEK stressed her name, but if they just broke the fourth wall, they'd have been able to appeal to Leo du Pres lovers directly by telling them/us to go see this movie because Josh Duhamel's wife is in it and that would make him happy!
Or at LEAST they could have had a scroll running at the bottom of the screen saying "PLEASE SEE NINE PLEASE SEE NINE JASON MORGAN IS AWESOME PLEASE SEE NINE". Why am I not in charge of ABC Daytime?!
Oh, well, at least Bobbie Eakes, MEK, Blake Gibbons and Megan Ward have scenes to put on their Emmy reels, because being able to do a Nine infomercial without cracking up is impressive, indeed.
*I know that One Life to Live also participated in the pimp-a-thon and I have no doubt that, while it may have been heavy-handed and lame, it was, like the rest of the show, miles ahead of its peers.