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« A Special AMC Event | Main | Yesterday's Dumbest...Well, Everything »

December 17, 2009

Revolution Nine

Now, forgive me if you already knew this, but

I just heard about this fantastic new movie that's coming out called

NINE! It's a musical, you guys, and it has an awesome cast, and awesome songs, and is the most awesome thing to ever happen in the history of the world, and luckily for us, it opens

Everywhere on Christmas!

It's not that I even mind the product placement. In order to survive, soaps need to make money somehow, and if the easiest way for them to do this is shilling for big budget, splashy movies that are under performing with critics, well fine! Pimp, pimp hooray!

But goodness, this product placement is supremely stilted and unnatural, and I know you're asking yourselves, "Mallory, All My Children and General Hospital's dialogue and storytelling are always stilted and unnatural. Why would they do a sudden about-face and start writing well for their advertisers?" And I don't have a retort for that, but come on!

General Hospital:


Coleman: Oh, yeah. It's for "Nine."

Kate: Fabulous. Very sexy.

Coleman: Yeah, especially Penelope Cruz.

Kate: Oh, so you like Penelope.

Coleman: Oh, honey, she makes my mustache curl. The idea of her sharing the screen with Kate Hudson, now that's--you know, I better not say.

Kate: Yeah, you better not. Men, so predictable.

Coleman: Why, did I mention that Sophia Loren is in the movie as well?

Kate: Sophia Loren. Well, now you surprise me, Coleman.

Coleman: I will have you know that I have seen every one of her movies. I mean, come on. She's one elegant broad.

Kate: Hmm. Well, the movie poster certainly classes up the joint.

Coleman: Baby, you class up the place.

Kate: So when does "Nine" open? Maybe I'll get tickets to the premiere.

Coleman: Ah, Christmas Day. Ho ho ho.

All My Children:

Krystal: Actually, I was planning on going out anyway. I was going to see that new movie Nine, the musical.

Tad: Yeah, that's supposed to be fantastic. Man, what a cast! Daniel Day Lewis, Kate Hudson. FERGIE! Penelope Cruz..mmm.

Krystal: The choreography's supposed to be great.

Cameraman: Let me take a moment to do an insane close-up of the newspaper ad for Nine, the musical, opening everywhere Christmas Day.  


Why even bother doing this in character? It would be WAY less irritating to to have Michael E. Knight and Bobbie Eakes break character and address the audience directly. Because Bobbie Eakes is adorable and wonderful, and I'd totally take a film recommendation from her, but Krystal isn't exactly the type of person we turn to for advice and if I were a petty, over-invested soap fan, I'd go out of my way to avoid things suggested by her. But I am not a petty, over-invested soap fan.

(I AM a petty, over-invested celeb water and I will therefore be avoiding this movie with every fiber of my being because I loathe Nicole Kidman)

They would have been able to go all out with the Fergie shoutout! It was cute that MEK stressed her name, but if they just broke the fourth wall, they'd have been able to appeal to Leo du Pres lovers directly by telling them/us to go see this movie because Josh Duhamel's wife is in it and that would make him happy!

Or at LEAST they could have had a scroll running at the bottom of the screen saying "PLEASE SEE NINE PLEASE SEE NINE JASON MORGAN IS AWESOME PLEASE SEE NINE". Why am I not in charge of ABC Daytime?!

Oh, well, at least Bobbie Eakes, MEK, Blake Gibbons and Megan Ward have scenes to put on their Emmy reels, because being able to do a Nine infomercial without cracking up is impressive, indeed.

*I know that One Life to Live also participated in the pimp-a-thon and I have no doubt that, while it may have been heavy-handed and lame, it was, like the rest of the show, miles ahead of its peers.


Actually, the OLTL participation was just as bad (I'd even venture to say worse than GH's -- I don't know if I've ever said that before)... but hey, if it keeps our doomed show on the air, they're welcome to use an entire stilted segment for it daily, as far as I'm concerned!

Slightly OT, but this is vaguely creepy to me:


I didn't think OLTL's Nine pimpage was too bad. They got it over quickly, in the first ten minutes of the episode IIRC, and they gave it to the teens, who I don't pay much attention to anyway, so it was ok. Like Louise said, if it keeps the show on the air, then it's all good.

The thought of Coleman saying, "Why, did I mention Sophia Loren??" cracks me up. If he ever did mention her I think it would be in sexual terms far too crude for even GH.

"(I AM a petty, over-invested celeb water and I will therefore be avoiding this movie with every fiber of my being because I loathe Nicole Kidman)."


No, I loathe Nicole Kidman.

Oh wait...let me give a little "squee" for the Leo du Pres shout out.

Did anyone else think Georgie was back when they saw the actress in the first screencap? I was so looking forward to a surprising new story arc.

But... no.

I actually thought we got off easy....I was convinced that Spinelli's list of exclusions would be the entire cast of Nine......and no one else. I knew the pimping was coming...I just really didn't want to deal with it in the middle of the Spixie nonsense.

I did like the irony of Jason Tam (Marco, OLTL) being in their Nine pimp-o-mercial, as he has a Broadway background. His audition scene in the A Chorus Line documentary "Every Little Step" was ah-mazing. The casting table was literally moved to tears!

The Coleman/Kate scene was uncomfortable enough without the blatant NINE pimping. That dialogue went on for a painfully long time. And this is what Megan Ward has been reduced to? Really? I think Kate needs to make a mad dash for the hospital and set her sights on the new Chief-of-Staff.

Man, I actually WANTED to see this movie until Mickey Mouse laughed his maniacal laugh and whiffed corporate synergy all over it. And now I'm also having Campbell's Soup can flashbacks.

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