Brought To You By "Every Breath You Take"
I was originally going to title this entry, "Who do I have to kill to get a little romance on this show?", but I knew that the General Hospital writers have an answer to that question (Quartermaines) and I didn't want to encourage the writers to add more bodies to that mausoleum.
Today's GH was incredibly unsettling. And what is, perhaps, most unsettling of all is that the creepiest parts of the show had nothing to do with the show's cold-blooded murderers, but were about love! Or at least the dark, bastardized definition of love that the show has seized upon.
Nikolas, for example, has decided he should take advantage of Rebecca's blackmail and use the opportunity to get with Liz for real. A slightly paraphrased recap of their conversation:
NIKOLAS: So, great news, you know how Rebecca is a con artist and basically unstable? Well, it turns out that she's willing to keep our secret if we hook her up with Lucky. Win/win/win!
ELIZABETH: Why is that...no.
NIKOLAS: If we pair those two dweebs off, we'll have the chance to be together forever, or until I find a new married, engaged or otherwise attached woman to have a connection with.
NIKOLAS: Is this about Lucky? Do you feel guilty?
ELIZABETH: YES, don't you?
ELIZABETH: I want to be with Lucky. It's the right thing to do for him, and for my boys...
NIKOLAS: Well, if it's the boys you're worried about, I've got one of those around...somewhere. With Alfred. Or...somewhere.
And then! This is not at all paraphrased:
Nikolas: You do not love him the way you love me.
Elizabeth: Don't tell me how I feel.
Nikolas: I don't have to tell you how you feel, because you already know it's written all over your face every time we're together.
Seeing that his plan to convince Liz that she's in love with him wasn't going well, he threw a Hail Mary pass and confessed that he was so in love with her. He even attempted to muster up a lone teardrop! It was incredibly uncomfortable.
But the most uncomfortable moment came later:
Nikolas: Of course I feel guilty, I'm betraying my brother. It's a terrible thing to do, but--
Maybe it's just me, but that sentence shouldn't end with a but!
And with that immature tantrum, it became my greatest wish that someone put us all out of our misery by smothering Nikolas with his hideous, oversized coat.
Nikolas: Just because he loves you doesn't mean I don't get to!
Remember on Friday, how Sonny lured Olivia up to a hotel room on false pretenses to attempt to woo her? That was adorable, wasn't it?
Olivia: This is starting to get a little bit creepy. You're basically stalking me right now.
Sonny: "Stalking" is a harsh term. I like to think of it more as of, uh, you know, the only way I can spend time with you.
Olivia didn't get the hell out of dodge, because she realized that Sonny would just follow her and invade her personal space elsewhere, and was given the third degree about her life and, specifically, her relationship with Johnny, only to have her answers mocked and ridiculed by Sonny because, hello, how can anyone turn down someone who knows nothing about your current life and only wants to talk about the connection they had, back in the day, when Olivia was fifteen.
Newsflash, Sonny, it is modern day, not Bensonhurst in the early 80s. If you're going to woo a woman, at least update your flirting a little...and, for that matter, try not to recycle exact conversations you had with another woman and former love of your life who also had the last name Falconeri! Geez Louise!
Sonny: We still have a connection like we always had, and I'm just trying to figure out why you're trying so hard to fight it.
Yeah, Olivia, why are you making your own decisions about things and not reacting the way Sonny wants you to?
Sonny: The point is, I'm free now.
Ignoring Olivia's rebuttal that she's not free, uh, Sonny? Everybody thinks that your wife is missing, so technically you're not free. You also seem remarkably unconcerned that your newfound freedom is thanks to your son killing your wife with an axe!
The last creepy romance of the day is, of course, Jason and Franco's, which took a dark turn that led Franco down Brooding Lane.
But there was a hilarious who's on first? diversion with Spinelli (who went to Franco's, ostensibly to confront him about Maxie):
Spinelli: He is I...
Franco : Me.
Spinelli: You too?
Franco: No. He is me, not I. You.
Franco: You what?
Yeah, I laughed out loud, what of it?
I also laughed out loud at Franco's "I wanted Maxie for the same reason I want you" and Spinelli's alarmed look, trying to figure out how that would work.
Franco: Tell Stone Cold to next time show a little respect
I think that Jason should have just had the damn chips and dip, and things wouldn't have taken such a turn for the worse!