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« Generic City | Main | Stumbling On Entertainment. The Intentional Kind! »

December 09, 2009

The People vs. Common Sense

Jesse: Everybody loses in this one, huh?

So true, Hubbard, so true. And you know who loses the most, and in the most tragic way? The audience.

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If I were at all a rational, normal person, I'd watch an ABC Daytime show once again slaughter the principles of the American legal system and I'd say to myself, "Self, there is no use getting irritated at how ridiculously laughable this portrayal of court is. Do something fun during these scenes instead, like muting the television and then inventing hilariously bad dialogue that would probably be better than the show's actual dialogue! Although that may lead you to then wondering why you're a soap blogger and not a soap writer, and you may begin to weep, but even that is better than hysterically shouting 'Why don't you watch one of the eleventy twelve episodes of Law & Order airing right this second to see what the hell a trial is supposed to be like you hacks?!' at your television".

But I am not at all rational and so, once again, I have to ask: why can't ABC hire some sort of consultant to teach them the intricacies of the legal system? Or at the very least, hire an intern who can look this stuff up on Wikipedia?

  • Witnesses don't just hang out and watch the trial unfold
  • Testimony usually consists of something more than rumor-mongering and stories that people heard from a friend of a friend of a friend
  • Witnesses don't get called randomly by the ADA and then report to court immediately to give testimony that hasn't been gone over with said ADA a million times over already
  • And also, witnesses don't get to decide when they testify!
  • Witnesses don't get to say things like, "We're done here" at the end of their testimony, Zach
  • And if a witness did say something like that, I don't think the judge would be all, "This surly witness is right. Let's take a recess. Back in a few, y'all!"
  • Prosecutors don't look speak into the camera and address people who have their own upcoming trials, what the hell!
  • Trials generally last longer than a game of seven minutes in heaven

I hate this show.

So Adam was acquitted on all counts based on diminished capacity, which we all knew would happen. Making Adam Stuart's murderer was the only way for Pratt to have a major character, and not some random extra, be guilty and drugging him was the only way for Pratt to make him innocent legally. The man likes to eat his cake and have it, too, and I hope he chokes on it.

(That reads more violent and angry than I meant it...ABC Daytime is corrupting me!)

David Canary continues to be amazing and is the only reason that I can't write this story off as an unmitigated failure in all possible ways; it's merely an unmitigated failure in most ways. His performances of late have been genius and his addressing the court (again, what the hell!) to talk about the guilt he feels, and his monologue at Stuart's grave were fantastic. There needs to be a David Canary Appreciation Day.

But, uh, speaking of the scene at Stuart's grave, when Adam reminisced about picking out Christmas trees with Stuart, and then JR chimed in with his own memories? I was delighted by what a sweet scene it was and then all of a sudden 50 MPH gusts of ASSHOLE flew in and shot it all to hell to bitch and moan about how Annie is the most dangerous human being to ever live.

What really concerned me about this scene, other than how blatantly inappropriate it was for Ryan to be lurking at a cemetery when a guilt-ridden and heartbroken man spoke to his twin's grave, was how fast Ryan manages to travel around town! He was at the casino and then talking to Erica and then at the cemetery like it was nothing! He's a fucking poltergeist who needn't obey the laws of physics! Like he wasn't terrifying enough already!

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Zach: I'm going to destroy and erase the last four years so Kendall has nothing to come home to.

It goes without saying that the latter part of that sentence got a hearty eyeroll on my end, and also a heavy, angry sigh at how the writers won't even let the audience enjoy the last few weeks that a hugely popular couple has together on this show by giving them a little bit of happiness, but the first part is very attractive. Who wouldn't love a Carly Jacks approved Go-Back and Re-Do of the past four years?! It would be awesome.

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Lastly, a quick note on the new Colby: she over-enunciates like CRAZY and it is distracting. Luckily, it's not distracting me from anything good, but still! I'm not sure what it is about this role that makes it impossible for the show to cast someone capable of acting like a human being (Ambyr Childers did grow on me, but man, was her start on the show rough).

Okay, that wasn't lastly at all, actually, because I have a question. The actor playing Damon has been put on contract, but the actress playing Bailey is still recurring. What does this mean?! Just kidding, I'm not interested in that at all.

Comments

You ladies really cheer me up. Just when I think I am the only person with any sense watching these shows I come here and remember it is the people running and writing these shows that have no sense. I wish you were a soap writer. What about one of these new internet soaps? I would watch it!

Aww! Thanks so much, LauraBB. Perhaps that will be our next step in our plans for world domination...

Was it just me, or did none of today's dialogue make sense? IA this show is a train wreck hot mess & I'm only hanging around to finally get my favorite couple back together, which I may be delusional because I'm still not altogether sure it is going to happen. I cannot fathom why this turkey of a show would continue keeping the Slaters apart with only days left- bleeding viewers left & right & they still don't get it! It's mind-boggling! WTF are they smoking? When I get my Zen reunion, I will say adios & tho' I'll miss my couple, I will not miss this crap.

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