What's Another Word for Anti-Climactic?
I appreciate a good Friday cliffhanger as much as the next soap fan, and I suppose that you could argue that Zach and Kendall's reunion on Friday's All My Children was exactly that: a cliffhanger kept purposely short so that you tune in on Monday to see an actual reunion go down, and I'd maybe even buy that if commercials, and the episode description on my DVR and on ABC.com didn't say "Kendall reunites with Zach", as if that were the episode's major focus.
It was six seconds!
Kendall: Zach! Zach! Zach! Zach, don't! Zach, don't! Please, please, please, don't.
Zach: Hey, hey. You all right?
Kendall: Yes, yes, yes, I am now. I am now.
When the episode was half over and there was still no reunion in sight, I started to panic and wondered if this was some special two hour episode, which, naturally, horrified me. I believe the phrase "Egads, I can't do this for two hours" may have been verbalized at some point, because the bulk of Friday's show was...well, it was All My Children.
David threw an enormous party to announce to his worst enemies, ex-wife and daughter that he's dying (even though he isn't really, and I have to say that I am disappointed that someone so diabolical is pulling such an amateur stunt! This is the stuff of young vixens, not dastardly adults) and to give them gifts to make up for the myriad ways in which he ruined their lives.
Adam Chandler accurately reflects my take on the proceedings.
When the AMC writing staff learned there would be a party, they seemed to say, "This is excellent, because we can now take advantage of rehashing lame stories and introducing poorly conceived new ones!"
And when the AMC wardrobe department saw that there would be a party, they seemed to say, "OH, YES! Finally, an excuse to use all of these hideous clothes!" because most of the fashion choices at this shindig were not okay.
I say "most" because there was one person who looked completely stunning, and if I were her, I'd wear my hair like this all the time and never take this dress off.
"Why, hello, fellow Target shoppers! Don't you just love my amazing sparkly dress? Excuse me, you're blocking the Post-It notes..."
When David was giving his presents out to make amends, and he gave Amanda full custody of Trevor, I was holding out hope that he'd give her a second gift. The gift of brains, because as much as I adore the girl, she's been so dim lately that she probably shouldn't walk around unsupervised.
Amanda: I just keep thinking about how this is David's last Christmas, you know, the only one he's ever gonna spend with his son.
You pretty, gullible dimwit.
Jamie Luner is many things (badly miscast as Liza Colby, in possession of bad tanning practices), but she is not unattractive. She's quite pretty, which you would never guess from watching this show, because the hair, makeup, and wardrobe people never have their acts together when it comes to her. Her hair and makeup could be gorgeous, but they put her in enormous satin shirts. Or her hair and wardrobe are fine and her makeup only accentuates the fact that her skin is the color of a tangerine. Her hair is never the problem, is what I'm saying. Or it WAS never the problem, until this party.
What the hell is this?
This is hair that you get after you go to the gym with your hair in a ponytail/headband combination. And then say "I'm bored, so I'm going to backcomb my hair while I watch TV".
Someone at All My Childrenhates Jamie Luner, that much is clear.
Liza's gift from David was compromising pictures of DA Willis in bed with a judge, and Tad theorizes that if they go public with these pictures, Liza will be in line to take the DA job? Really, is that how it works? Okay. Also, people in glass houses who faked pregnancies shouldn't throw stones at unethical adulterers! And it's not like blackmail is even necessary for Willis to get ousted. Homeboy just lost a trial to ANNIE, that should be enough for him to get a pink slip.
How do you make Debbi Morgan look anything but perfect and, for that matter, why would you set such a goal for yourself? So many questions! The color of her dress was gorgeous and looked amazing on her, but the beading looks like something you'd find being sold from The Quacker Factory...or something that an enterprising grandmother did with a bedazzler.
And the sleeves!
I won't even comment on the wig, except to say that someone should take AMC's supply of rattail combs away.
Angie's gift from David was absolute power. Please read that phrase with evil laughter playing in your head!
David: It's the password to my computer...where you'll find all the nasty skeletons in the hospital's closet. I used them to keep control...of everything...everyone. Well, now I hand that control over to you...if, of course, you want it.
As if any computer in the world is capable of storing the massive amount of dirt on everyone in Pine Valley. Kathy probably has a list of misdeeds too long for storage on the average computer!
Jesse, for all of his faults of late, at least correctly deduced that David's a scheming schemer.
Jesse: Huh, a dead David. Sounds promising. Either Santa came early, or he's created this huge hoax. I'm leaning toward option B.
Boring Marissa was boring.
Oh, sure, they're trying to give her some sass and spunk, like when she wanted Liza to throw Annie's case. And they occasionally give her scenes where Brittany Allen can show that she has acting chops, like when she was horrified and upset that David would callously tell her that he's dying at a party. But the damage is done--girl's boring. I can't even pay full attention to her scenes with JR, so as far as I know, they go down like this:
MARISSA: Boring boring, bland, bland, boring?
JR: Boring. Bland, bland, boring.
MARISSA: Boring. Boring boring bland boring bland!
All with that cheerful smile she has.
Is anyone else worried for Krystal's safety? Because this date of hers is quite obviously a 70s talk show host who moonlights as a serial murderer.
I wouldn't miss her, exactly, were she to be the victim of the Talk Show Strangler, but I wouldn't want to sit through the numerous eulogies mourning her. The grieving of her ex-husbands and lovers alone would take up six weeks.
Annie's dress is exactly what a mentally unstable trophy wife would choose to wear to a shindig. So while it is offensive to the eyes, at least it makes sense for the character.
Less sense-making is her defense of David to Adam.
Annie: I've done some unimaginable things, but you saw the good in me. Why can't you see the good in David? Have you ever even tried?
Adam: No reason to, no.
Annie: Well, me. I'm the reason. I'm not saying you should really trust the guy, but I don't know, you could give him the benefit of the doubt.
Adam: Why is he so important to you?
Annie: I don't know. Because I just know what it's like to be judged and despised.
Adam: Yes. I've been meaning to tell you. That all ends right now.
What? Please don't misinterpret my confusion as interest! It's just run-of-the-mill confusion.
And then there was Aidan and Zach's confrontation. And the writers tried to give Aidan an explanation for his downward spiral.
Aidan: Hey. Wakey, wakey, rise and shine. Sorry about the bump on your head. But I had to get your attention. What did you think you were gonna do, ride in on our white horse and save the day? Rescue your damsel in distress? One question, Zach: What makes you think Kendall wants to be rescued? You know, she told me about you, about how when things get really tough, you just shut down. You know what? Kendall deserves better. She deserves to be trusted and loved unconditionally. The two things that you can't possibly give her. Just like when you turned up to that boarding house and you looked through that window. You know what you saw? Two people making love. That wasn't Kendall. That was someone that looked like Kendall, and what did you do? You just--you didn't even give her the benefit of the doubt, did you? You walked away. You walked away and you gave up on your wife, the mother of your children, and you did exactly what I thought you would do.
They didn't try very hard, though, because I am still not at all understanding what the hell this whole story was about. Actually, that's not true, I understand perfectly (it's about Charles Pratt being a hack of the highest order and being incapable of doing anything right).