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« I'm Pretty Sure (A)I Hallucinated This and (B) It was the Greatest Hallucination Ever | Main | The Fanboy and the Hitman »

December 11, 2009

When "The View" Met "All My Children"

It sounds like an especially horrific fanfic, doesn't it?

I have been roundly mocked by several friends and family members for making a point of watching today's All My Children fiesta on The View (it's my own fault for telling them, I realize. At least I wised up and didn't mention that I've been watching a ton of Oprah lately. See what being on break does to me?), but here I am!

ABC Disney's corporate synergy is a wondrous thing when they feel like they want to pimp something out to the masses: Disney movies on their soaps, their soaps on their talk shows and they've even had a commercial for Scrubs touting its star, James Franco's brother Dave Franco (even though anyone who is awesome already knew him from their GENIUS Acting With James Franco series). So they are good at some things. Pity "producing more than one quality soap" isn't included under that umbrella...


11:00: Agnes Nixon introduces us to this very special episode of The View, and the announcer claims to be throwing AMC a bon voyage party that only the co-hosts can. Huh...that can be taken in numerous ways.

The co-hosts all enter to much fanfare, and many of them look...sparkly. Whoopi's vest and scarf combo, in particular, can probably be seen from space. They reminisce about their mothers and grandmothers loving their "stories". Barbara claims that AMC is 30 years old and is corrected by the audience, which doesn't exactly bode well for the show's AMC knowledge!

Sherri gives Erica Kane props for looking glamorous in jail and after waking up, and Joy claims that Susan Lucci looks exquisite without makeup. I am feeling charitable and will refrain from making comment. You can thank me later, Susan!

11:08: Agnes Nixon takes a look back at how it all started, and where it's headed. She's not in the studio, but appears in a pre-taped interview in a sassy suit and a lot of necklaces. I find her adorable.

In her own words: "I wanted to tell a story about the variety of people in the world, and the fact that we are all brothers and sisters, and within that brotherhood, there's a lot of problems. A lot of good, as well as a lot and lot of evil"

She lived outside of Philadelphia in a home called Pine Cottage, near the Delaware Valley. And a portmanteau of those names led to Pine Valley, and AMC premiering on January 5, 1970.

11:13: LOTS of old school clips: Vintage Lucci yelling at bears, Vintage Lucci sneering about being spoiled. Agnes says that Erica has a "bottomless pit of need" to be assured of being loved.

Agnes talks about how she was very interested in doing social issues stories, and as she lists of these stories, I can't help but think about how the writers who followed her managed to trample on these great stories: Erica's abortion (the introduction of Josh), Cindy and Stuart's love story and her AIDS, Bianca coming out (and then marrying a woman who was emotionally involved with a man).

As much as I love watching clips, I also get completely depressed at how good this show used to be! And I also get depressed about the big hair trend that swept the nation in the 1980s. What were people thinking?

11:15: Oh, now Agnes is in the studio and she says that the move to LA won't change anything and that the show will be the same. Well, now I'm more scared than I was before.

Elisabeth asks Agnes what social issues stories will be coming up, and Agnes valiantly tries to be polite as she says, paraphrased, "Um...we'll have to see what's in the news". Barbara mumbles something about the news headlines being soap operas of their own and throws it to commercial.

11:20: Sherri calls the women of Pine Valley the perfect blend of beauty, brains and bitch, and introduces Susan Lucci (in a sleeveless red minidress OMFG Susan, I love you), Debbie Morgan (in thigh high boots) nd Rebecca Budig, who is the most adorable person to ever exist.

Susan thanks them all for doing this Pine Valley show, and says that the AMC move is a great vote of confidence on the part of the network, and says she was also disappointed, because she's a New Yorker, which garners much applause from the audience. She says that her daughter just moved back to New York, and sounds a bit choked up as she talks about commuting back and forth.

Barbara asks Debbi about her new marriage and her life in Maryland. She will ALSO be commuting to Los Angeles, because, as she says, "I like my job, and I love my husband."

Joy (Elisabeth and Whoopi have left this segment), asks Rebecca about her crazy soap catfights, and they show some of Kendall and Greenlee's best. Sherri points out that the move to LA works perfectly for Rebecca, since she and Bachelor Bob are based in LA, but she is quick to point out that her heart broke on behalf of the crew, who she has worked with for so long. The writing for Greens last time was horrible, but I will never not adore this pint-sized actress. So cute!

Susan says that Erica has been married ten times, but not to ten men because "Erica's not that easy". Hee! Rebecca mentions again that La Lucci looks amazing without makeup. We get it, guys! Susan remembers Erica's first scene, putting on mascara to impress her math tutor.

Ha, Sherri says that Debbi looks exactly the same as she did in 1982, which is so freaking true. Debbi completely ignores Sherri's question about her good looks and says that because of this show and Agnes Nixon, she's spent more time on television than any other African American actress, a statement that gets huge applause.

And that segment is also wrapped up quickly. This show is so weird!

11:30: A few weeks ago, I was overcome with a sudden, inexplicable need to watch Sister Act, and I haven't yet fulfilled that craving. Seeing Whoopi today, though, reminded me that I need to put that on a to-do list. And I may have started to sing "Hail Holy Queen". Don't mock me, for I already mock myself.

11:33: Elisabeth is back, introducing the most wanted men in all of daytime and Cameron Mathison, Michael E. Knight and Vincent Irizarry come out to join Elisabeth, Sherri and Whoopi, and a huge number of screams and catcalls. Elisabeth confesses that everyone was primping and adjusting their cleavage before the men came out.

Elisabeth addresses MEK first, and asks about his reaction to the move news. He said he was disappointed to leave the crew, but he is sort of happy to be going home to California.

Sherri addresses Vincent, and asks about his past commute between New York and LA, and he says that he'll be doing it again, because he has children in school. Scintilating stuff!

Whoopi says that she needs to take a minute to give a shout-out to her dear friend Thorsten Kaye, who is her dude. She asks if it will be weird to be in a new space, and they all agree that it will be. MEK says that Whoopi is sweet and always says hi to everyone. Aww.

I am so conflicted about Sherri Shepherd. She thinks the world is flat, but she is Angie Jordan, who find's Tracy's vanity license plate (ICU81MI) inscrutable. She has that terrible Lifetime sitcom, and she and Cameron Mathison approached negative levels of entertainment when they hosted the Daytime Emmys, but...maybe I'm not so conflicted at all, and she needs to be interacting with the denizens of 30 Rock in order for me to tolerate her.

Sherri talks to Cameron about his debut on the show, with no shirt under his jacket. He has the good sense to be ashamed of that! I can't believe how horrific Ryan is and how genuinely sweet and fantastic Cameron Mathison is. Sherri asks if the move to LA will mean beach scenes and more CamMat shirtlessness and the audience goes a little nuts.

CM has been on The Viewsixteen times. !!!! Including when he had to clear up the rumor about his thong. He is REALLY embarrassed about that one still. Sherri says her favorite moment was doing the samba with him before they hosted the Emmys, especially when she grabbed his ass.

Elisabeth congratulates VI on his Emmy, and he says it was very exciting to be able to accept this award in person.

11:39: Sherri teases MEK about the Tad The Cad days when he was sleeping with Liza and Marian. He says he thinks Tad will take a shot at anybody at this point, and CM and VI jump away from him on the couch, but MEK lecherously asks Cam what he's doing after the show. He says he'd like to play a relationship with Liza and all of that history, and asks

Whoopi asks if any of their relationships had included a black woman, and MEK asks her, too, what she's doing after the show, and Sherri hysterically (not in the "Haha, hysterical!" but the hyperventilating hysterical sense) offers to move to LA.

11:45: Oh, there was apparently some "wacky" and "hilarious" thing all week where Sherri went to the AMC set and it turned out that things were going missing, like Susan Lucci's Emmy. She has a very funny, expletive filled rant, about it and threatens not to move to LA. She's adorable and funny, but the lameness of these skits is...indescribable.

Cameron Mathison threatens to stay in New York unless his tight t-shirts are returned. Don't taunt me like that, Cam!

11:49: Okay, Melissa Claire Egan crying about the lost Agnes Nixon mug that she holds up to hear ear so she can hear Agnes Nixon is kind of funny, but I may just think that because MCE is so freaking cute. Aside from that, I just am kind of looking away from my television with second-hand embarrassment.

Jacob Young claims that there is a good David Canary and an evil David Canary who you don't want to mess with. I find that hard to believe! JY slaps on a fake mustache, hat and sunglasses and, in Spanish, admits that he's going underground until the missing things are found.

11:52: Sherri, over-acting back in the studio, says that they found the culprit, and out comes Mayor Michael Bloomberg (and a bunch of the cast--no Thorsten Kaye, or Alicia Minshew, or good or evil David Canary), who admits that he hates to see AMC leave New York City. Mayor Mike is really excited about Greenlee's return and wonders if she'll still be in love with Ryan. It could just be that he is a terrible actor, but he asks this question with a large amount of fear and horror in his voice, which accurately sums up my feelings on a Greenlee/Ryan reunion...

11:57: Well, that hour actually went by pretty quickly, and the co-hosts worst habits were kept pretty much in check, thankfully. And it was nice seeing flashbacks of classic AMC, and Cameron Mathison in charming talk show guest form, rather than hugely un-charming Ryan form! It would have been nicer to actually hear the cast members talk for more than thirty seconds each, or learn something new about the show, but I can't very well expect ABC Daytime to start doing good things now, can I?


Oddly enough, I too have had a strange desire to watch "Sister Act" that has been plaguing me for weeks.

Also, Debbie Morgan rocks.

I do not mock the Sister Act love....When "Joyful Joyful" pops up on my playlist...I play dumb and marvel at how it happened to show up there without my rabidly downloading the entire soundtrack to both movies to my computer.

"It could just be that he is a terrible actor, but he asks this question with a large amount of fear and horror in his voice, which accurately sums up my feelings on a Greenlee/Ryan reunion..."
This made me choke on my iced coffee a bit; I didn't see it but I can totally hear Bloomberg saying it in just the tone of voice you describe. Awesome.

Uh...I just wanted to say thanks for introducing me to Acting with James Franco...seriously hilarious.

This post reminded me how sad I am Debi Morgan is not a movie star.

There is no reason to feel conflicted regarding Sherri Shepard. She is the epic-est of fails.

Just thankful Whoopi gave a shout-out to TK & that made my day. It would've been so much better if they'd had TK on - but I'll take anything at this point. Nothing else impressed me.

I'm surprised Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn't burst into tears and blame AMC leaving New York on gay marriage and Adam Lambert's AMA performance...

Did Elisabeth Hasselback pull some shit re: Adam's AMA performance... 'cause that might be enough to transform my ordinary Hasselhate into something involving rage and weaponry.

(That is a joke, not a real threat. Just in case... you know. Google).

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