Serial Drama

From Clink-Boom to Drip-Bang: Imitation Is the Laziest Form of Self-Flattery

In case you didn't see the promo that told the entire story in 60 seconds or read any of the many media interviews about this groundbreaking bit of television, I feel it is my duty as a soap blogger to bring you a recap of Friday's show. 

This episode was promoted as something epic, and there were some very good performances (not so fast, Maurice Benard).  But the writing.  Man.  A Xerox machine churns out more original work.  Clink-Boom may have been nearly 15 years ago, but most of us still remember it.  Duplicating it with slightly different dialogue and occasionally different characters several times a year isn't fooling anyone.  Except Emmy voters.

Side note:  Mallory already told you about Bob Guza's description in Soap Opera Digest of Sonny shooting Dominante and then finding out the guy is actually his son as "the penultimate, the cosmic guffaw."  I would just like to go on record as stating that while attempted murders are indeed hilarious, I'm thrilled to hear that this is Guza's second-to-last one.  (Reminder:  This man is paid many dollars to write things in the English language.  REAL AMERICAN DOLLARS.  Yes, they are worth less now than they used to be, but do they have absolutely no value?)

On with the show.

Michael and Morgan are talking about Josslyn's christening.  "It's like a free pass to heaven, basically," Morgan says.  I don't think that's how it works, but I have not voluntarily been to church since 1984, so ignore me.  Carly interrupts in a silver dress that is really not the best choice for Laura Wright's coloring (which is fab) or figure (ditto).

Carly and Michael talk about how Michael saved Josslyn.  Fortunately, before we have to live through yet another recitation of Michael's self-defense ax-handle homicide, Jax comes in with Morgan and has Josslyn in one of those weird straw-material baby carriers that I've only ever seen for dolls and TV infants.  The doorbell rings and it's Lady Jane.  Adorbs.

Jax beams at his mom, and I must mention that Ingo's hair is looking great lately.

At Kelly's, Lulu is trying to persuade Lucky to attend Josslyn's christening with her (she's the godmother), but Lucky doesn't want to go and doesn't understand why Lulu is giving him the hard sell.  "I just have a bad feeling," she explains.  Dun dun duuuuuun.

Spoiler Alert!

Um, is something exciting happening on General Hospital tomorrow? I ask because ABC Daytime's advertisements for Friday's show have been so subtle and nuanced that I'm not sure if something earth-shattering is going to happen!

(I think an actual spoiler alert is probably unnecessary because the only way that this could be missed is if you own a Ted Mosby sensory deprivation gadget, or have no head, but just in case!)

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Becca Thomas

Every year, I make the same new year’s resolutions.  And 98% of the time, I don’t keep them.  But I continue to make them.  Why?  Tradition, I suppose.  For probably the same reason, at this time of year I map out changes I’d like to see on my soaps.  I’ve given up on the really crazy ones (like that GENERAL HOSPITAL should be less violent and mob-centric, or that DAYS OF OUR LIVES should have consistent quality for more than three months), but I still have some smaller-scale hopes for 2010.

On GH, while I have given up hope that Port Charles will stop revolving around the mob, I do hope that there are at least some consequences for the mobsters this year.  The only reasons I’m remotely optimistic are:  1) the reveal of Dante (whom I adore, by the way) as Sonny’s son would be hard, even in the hands of a writing team that clearly worships Sonny’s homicidal self, to conclude with anything other than some anti-Mafia reflections and happenings, and 2) I don’t learn lessons very well and have forgotten the 738 other opportunities for such consequences that have already passed by.

More realistically, I hope 2010 sees more of the episodes centered around karaoke nights at Jake’s, or similar setups.  Those were easily the best of GH in 2009, and that kind of cast interaction and escapism is exactly what GH needs.  More of Robin and Patrick as something other than back-burnered medical Nancy Drews would be nice, as would an actual storyline for Patrick’s brother Matt.  More screen time for Diane and Alexis’s almost uniformly delightful and entertaining friendship, and an actual romance for Alexis with someone who isn’t a sociopath, would be great too.

Soap Blog Coalition

Laura Bell Bundy opens up about why Guiding Light's 60 Minutes special and final episode made her "bawl like a baby", what it was really like working with Zimmer and Robert Newman (who played her dad Josh on the soap) and if she would have returned for the sudser's finale. (Daytime Confidential)

GH's Jonathan Jackson (Lucky) is named Power Performance of the Week ( for the 2nd wk in a row). The latest Michael's Blog praises the actor for one of soaps all-time memorable moments! (Michael Fairman Soaps)

As we mourn the passing of James Mitchell, take a walk down Palmer Cortlandt's memory lane with the PVB. (Pine Valley Bulletin)

Monday's GH was awesome, featuring amazing dialogue and an epic performance by Jonathan Jackson. The Serial Drama girls are still marveling over it and wondering how to process this kind of positivity.  (Serial Drama)

Soap Opera Examiner's Mary Montanari reaches out to General Hospital's nurse Elizabeth after the revelation of her affair. (Soap Opera Examiner)

The Week's Most Unintentionally Hilarious Dialogue

Just catching up...

Carly:  What could you possibly say that absolves Elizabeth of such hideous betrayal?  I mean, of all the men that she could've hooked up with, she hooks up with Lucky's brother?  Why doesn't she just stab a knife in his heart?  It'd be a hell of a lot cleaner.

Jason:  Why don't you stop being so judgmental?

Ha!  Oh, Jase.  Sometimes you're so precious.  This is one of those brain damage moments, huh?  Carly not being judgmental is like the sun not being hot, water not being wet, or Jason Thompson not being sexy.

AMC + My Fast Forward Button = MFEO

It took me almost exactly ten minutes to watch today's episode of All My Children, thanks to lots of "Wow, it is not physically possible for me to be less interested in this" and "Oh, oh, MY EYES, CAN'T WATCH" scenes. And ten minutes is actually a shockingly long time to spend watching this particular episode, when you think about it, since it featured lots of Randi, and Greenlee mooning over Ryan.

So I am going to touch on some points from today's show briefly, with no real depth or analysis, because it seems silly to spend more time writing about the show than I did watching it, or than the actual show writers spent writing it.

But, first, two points that aren't actually about today's episode:

I was completely saddened to hear about James Mitchell passing away. My love of Palmer is well-documented, and I won't lie, I teared up when I saw the news. He was always so fantastic, from Oklahoma to All My Children(please note: I could not pick my favorite Palmer clips, since they are all awesome, so I just chose three at random. I think the moment in one of those clips where David refers to Palmer and Adam as the "crotchety old men in the balcony on the Muppets" is my new favorite thing). I'm glad that we at least saw him briefly on the 40th Anniversary show! The show will be doing a memorial episode to air this spring. I demand LOTS of old clips, AMC! LOTS!

And then there is the news that David Kreizman and Donna Swajeski are taking over as AMC head-writers. I have learned from experience not to express even a moment of optimism when it comes to a new AMC writing staff, so I will not do that now, but I WILL say that Frons's statement is worrisome, because I am imagining what "integrity" means in his warped universe, and it scares me.

"David and Donna are the perfect team to bring new ideas to All My Children while remaining true to its core by telling stories with a focus on the integrity of the show's history, its characters and families on the canvas," said Brian Frons, President, Daytime, Disney ABC-Television Group.

??!!??

So, okay, back to today's show:

• Greenlee and Erica's rivalry always amuses me and it now has an extra edge due to Ryan and Erica...Ryan and Ericaing. And while I eagerly anticipate the epic tantrum Greenlee will throw upon learning that news, I can't help but feel that the show is going a bit over-the-top in re-establishing said rivalry. Like, when Greenlee was all

Greenlee: How would you like it if you went away for a little while and someone stole something you poured your heart and soul into?

Uh, it's not like you went away for the weekend and Erica said, "You know what would be funsies? Taking Fusion from Greenlee". They thought you were DEAD for almost a year.

Shot Through The Heart

I'm not going to pretend like it's rare for me to say things like, "I had to keep looking away during that episode" or "I honestly felt like I was intruding on the worst moment of a person's life" after I watch General Hospital. It's a distressingly frequent occurrence, actually! But I'm usually saying them in the "I had to keep looking away during that episode, on account of how horrendously written it was" or "I honestly felt like I was intruding on the worst moment of a person's life...oh, wait, that happened and that person was actually me. Never mind" kind of ways.

Today, though, was like a punch in the throat. I had been so eagerly anticipating Lucky's smackdown of Liz and Nik for their crimes against humanity, but I wasn't expecting it to be so...raw. And painful. And nearly impossible to watch.

(I DID expect lots of slut-calling, so at least I wasn't totally caught off guard by Lucky's tirades. I mean, seriously, men on this show are not allowed to express even mild annoyance without denigrating a woman for being a whore).

Jonathan Jackson was even better than he has been in recent days, and since he has been pretty damn great of late, well...I know that I compliment him so often that anything I say about him can easily be interpreted as mindless gushing, and maybe that's a little bit right, but still, he was good.

As was Becky Herbst, who hit every single note of pure devastation.

And Tyler Christopher managed to shed a single tear after spending most of the episode stone-faced*.

But I am too caught up in the soapiness to even make a "Maybe he's born with it, maybe it's glycerin" crack.

*He was good when Liz kicked him out at the end, though. Credit where credit is due and all that. I feel like I am growing as a person!

I was originally going to do a "The Day's Most GASP! DID THAT JUST HAPPEN? Dialogue" entry after today, but pretty much every line Lucky said was in the running. Like, everything about this exchange was [insert hyperbolic expression of greatness here] and [and also here]:

Elizabeth: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Lucky: So you've said.

Elizabeth: I have no excuse.

Lucky: Something we agree on.

Nikolas: Look, I don't know what else to say. We didn't plan for this to happen, Lucky. It just happened, ok?

Lucky: I don't even know what that means.

But wait! There's more!

Days of Our Lives Gazillions of Weeks in Review

I will start as I seem to do with every post over the last year or so, by apologizing for my nonexistent Days of Our Lives coverage lately.  Real life, and my day job (which has the slight advantage over this side one in that it, you know, keeps me from being homeless), have kept me ridiculously busy.  Fortunately, Mallory is hilarious and somehow keeps up on all her shows while producing awesome post after awesome post in addition to carrying on with her myriad real-life responsibilities.  (I secretly suspect a meth habit, but don't plan an intervention until things slow down for me and I can therefore afford for her to be less productive.  I am a good friend.) 

But I know our Days-viewing readers have been deprived of late.  (If "of late" = 2009.)  However, what helps to balance out my abandonment of our weekly snarky sessions, I hope, is that this show?  Got good!  It's not perfect, but it is far superior to what it was, to the extent that even with months of episodes to choose from, I had difficulty finding things to make fun of.  This kind of situation has the potential to alter my entire world view!  If I can't make fun of Days, what am I supposed to do?  Sit back and enjoy it?  What is this, 1987?  My bangs aren't nearly voluminous for that to be the case.

Anyway, with my crazy schedule I don't even have time to read Soap Opera Digest, the publication that kindly publishes our monthly rants.  And I already didn't read online spoilers except in rare circumstances.  So now I am basically completely spoiler-free, and I have to say, I highly recommend it.  I've had a couple of surprises over the last few weeks alone, including Mickey dying and EJ being in on the kidnapping.  I honestly didn't see that latter one coming at all.  Maybe that's less that the writing is improved and more that years of watching soaps has finally done what my dad said it would (eaten my brain), but regardless:  Go spoiler free!  It's fun, it's less time-consuming, and it will make you lose weight and help save the planet!  

I started watching Days in 1986, by which time Mickey Horton was already one of the show's elder statesmen (along with his dad Dr. Tom Horton -- sniffle).  I had sensed with the recent increased mentions of Mickey that the show was planning to have him die, but it was still a jolt when Maggie announced he had passed away.  This is largely due to the fact that Suzanne Rogers freaking rocks.

When Maggie took the wedding ring off Mickey's finger, I might have teared up.

And I am a sucker for flashbacks of all varieties, including those from before I was watching (and perhaps even before I was born).

Friday, I'm In Love

I'd be a much happier person if General Hospital ran a "NO AWESOME WRITERS WERE HURT FOLLOWING THE FILMING OF THIS SHOW" disclaimer following a good episode. Because I worry about the repercussions our dear, brave Awesome Writer faces for outsmarting the show's state of the art security system, evading capture by armed guards and distracting Bob Guza with a well-timed "Is that Steve Burton over there, shirtless?" in order to bring us a good show.

And after Friday's episode, which featured multiple (!!!) genuinely great moments, who knows what kind of punishment Awesome Writer was given?! I keep imagining Awesome Writer being forced to replicate Franco's JASONMORGANJASONMORGANJASONMORGAN blackboard, or having to repeatedly watch Emily and Georgie's murders in slow motion, or something so sadistic that I can't wrap my brain around it. Because you just know that they won't let a show as good as Friday's slide without revenge.

Lucky hitting Liz and Nikolas with some knowledge was, obviously, amazing, but it wasn't the only amazing part of the end of Friday's show.

Dominic: If you ever wanted to take over the Corinthos organization, you can forget about that. The job is mine.

Johnny: That's quite the coup, huh?

Dominic: Yeah. Surreal, man. Sonny offering me the organization when he steps down. I mean, not that that's happening anytime soon, but still.

Johnny: Well, you're good.

Dominic: Yeah.

Johnny: I'll give you that.

Dominic: I felt honored. Really. I mean, for a second there, I almost forgot that I was a cop, that I'm not gonna take over for Sonny, that I'm sending him to jail.

And Michael overheard the entire thing, because Dominante was stupid enough to tell Johnny this story in public, complete with a needless recap of his true motivation to someone who was already in on the secret (seriously, I can't tell if Johnny's facial expression was more "I already know all of that, dumbass" or Brandon Barash thinking, "How did I all of a sudden become pretty much an extra?")

But whatever, as silly as the setup may have been, I am completely excited to see what happens on tomorrow's show. I think I may have mentioned before, repeatedly, that I have grown to love Dominic Zamprogna and Drew Garrett and their interactions with each other. I was going to make a statement like, "I'd watch the two of them read the phone book", but that's sort of unnecessary because I watch them on GH, which is quite often as boring as watching them read the phone book. Either way, it should be good. I am not saying it WILL be good, because I don't want to get my hopes up, but the ingredients for good are there.

I am really looking forward to Michael's reaction to this, especially, because now all of his paranoid, jealous and completely off-kilter actions and comments to and about Dominante are justified. Will this push him completely off of the deep end? Because he's getting there!

Even Sonny is unsettled!

Michael: I took a bullet that was meant for you. I protected mom and Morgan when Dominic pulled a gun on them. I killed Claudia, and I went with the cover-up. If Dominic would have done any of that stuff, you'd probably let him take over the business right this second. I'm not perfect, you know. I've made a lot of mistakes. But I've been completely loyal to you and Jason my entire life. Why can't you be loyal to me?

"I've been completely devoted to you for the eighteen slash twelve years I've been on this earth!"  

Sonny: Dominic hasn't even agreed to takeover. And even if he does, it's not gonna be for years from now, right?

Michael: Maybe. Unless somebody takes you out first.

IF FREAKING ONLY, MICHAEL. I speak from experience when I tell you not to pin your dreams on that star.

Michael: I mean, why won't you just admit that you don't want your brain-damaged son around? I'm an embarrassment to you.

I'm impressed with how Michael, when he's not getting his way, completely hits below the belt and tries to guilt Sonny into giving his high school student son control of his mafia empire. He played the "You got me shot" card AND "Sonny Corinthos doesn't care about brain damaged sons!" card in the same conversation! He has the makings of a truly skilled manipulator*. While his paternity may have been in question all those years ago, his maternity never was.

*I have faith in all of you that you read that in your head as ma-nipple-ator. 

Shocke and Awe

Sometimes, when I am completely exhausted, I will think that I saw or heard something completely out of the realm of possibility and even knowing that there is no way I saw or heard what I think I saw or heard, it still takes me a while to realize that I had some sort of sleep-deprived hallucination. I once thought I heard "Everyday I Write The Book", but with an interlude in another language...but the song I was listening to wasn't "Everyday I Write The Book" at all. And then there was the time that I "saw Marcia Cross" looking at Post-It notes at Staples, but it wasn't Marcia Cross at all. It was an easily spooked redhead who hurried away when she saw me looking at her quizzically.

Needless to say, when the end of today's General Hospital came and I found my very, very tired self looking forward to Monday, I seriously wrote it off as a figment of my exhausted mind, because how often does this show make you gasp with delight and wish that the next episode would hurry up and get here?

Lucky: You're so amazing. You're always looking out for me, you know. Helping me hold on to my dreams, like building a house in the country or spending the rest of my life with you. But as it turns out, the truth has set us all free.

Elizabeth: Lucky, you're drunk. You're not making a whole lot of sense. You need help.

Lucky: I already told you, you have helped me. You shocked me out of my dream world, my adolescent fantasies. You finally made me see reality. You don't love me, Elizabeth. Otherwise you wouldn't be screwing my brother behind my back.

WHAT?! THAT IS AMAZING! EXCLAMATION POINT, EXCLAMATION POINT, EXCLAMATION POINT.

So you see why I thought I imagined it! That is, until I re-watched and paid close attention to the acting.

Jonathan Jackson? Amazing.

 
Becky Herbst? Fantastic.

Tyler Christopher? Just realized he's left his car lights on this entire time!

 
And that's when I knew all was right with the world and this was GH, albeit a surprisingly good few minutes of GH.

(This, Lucky and Luke's conversation and the equally surprising Dante/Michael reveal will be discussed in greater detail this weekend with all sorts of exclamation points and excitement, after I sleep and slog my way through the non-amazing parts of the episode. Lord, beer me strength)