Serial Drama

Gold-Digging Made Good

While I could rant about the fact that Tea's great "sacrifice" in which she chose her daughter over Todd lasted all of two episodes, or the notion that Dani shouldn't be allowed to spend a week with the man who raised her (who she thought was dead!) because all of a sudden it's urgent and time-sensitive that she goes back to Llanview to get to know her bio-dad, or the sigh-inducing sitcom storyline about a bunch of teenagers living with a baby (are any of them employed at this point?  how does this work?), or the tremendous waste of Michael Lowry's talent and the great potential of his character Ross, but what would be the point?  What would be the point when all the bad was overpowered by such goodness?  You might think I'm talking about Cristian's shirtlessness or the mere presence of David Vickers and, truly, that would've been enough.  But we got more!  One thing I've loved about the evolution of whatever it is that's going on between Clint and Kim is that every time I start to worry that Clint is getting played, he turns it right around on her and totally disarms her, but still keeps her around.  I like.  And today when she was shocked that he wasn't kicking her out after learning of her Nigel/Neville scam, Clint uttered what was perhaps one of the greatest lines in the history of ever:   

"You know, it's fairly obvious to me that you're lookin' for a sugar daddy. 
Now then, if I'm gonna be the daddy, sooner or later
we're gonna have to talk about the sugar."

Um, I think I found my new favorite soap duo.  And I know I'm not the only one who was shocked to learn that Amanda Setton and Jerry ver Dorn somehow have serious chemistry (and kudos to both of them for bringing it, especially Setton for her beautiful reaction moment in which she played busted-scared-excited-flattered-lost all in one brief closeup).

God I love when soaps are soapy.

I Wonder How They'll Screw This One Up

Cady McClain is on her way back to All My Children for a brief stint.

AMC's parade of returning faves continues! ABC confirms to Digest that Cady McClain, fresh off her most recent stint as ATWT's Rosanna, will be reprising the role of Dixie, last seen as a ghost in 2008, for a short-term story arc that will reteam her with leading man Michael E. Knight (Tad). The network's lips were sealed on all other details (the timing of her return, the length of her contract, and whether Dixie will appear in angel or human form). Stay tuned for more info!

When I first read that, I forgot all about how ABC Daytime has burned me before with bringing characters back...like the time they brought this exact character back, and instead of bringing her back from the poisoned pancake dead, they made her a ghost. And I was a little excited! And then just a few words later, I saw the phrase "short-term story arc" and I knew it wasn't worth even the most mild excitement, because--well, this show has demonstrated a profound inability to do long-term stories, so why would I have faith in them to execute a good short-term story between a dead/maybe not dead character and the other half of a popular couple?

I am genuinely interested in seeing how they bring her back. I feel like these are the options:

• ghost. Still dead, still the victim of poisoned pancakes, still in possession of a distracting push-up bra.
• alive. This is the least appealing of the options, because if Dixie is truly alive, I'd need an actual story, rather than a short arc, because how lame would that be. "So, I wasn't dead, really, but I'm also not going to stick around Pine Valley, either. Laters!" In other words, this is probably what is going to happen.
• alive. And then, after a happy reunion with Tad and JR and Kathy, gets hit by a car or poisoned by another breakfast food and winds up comatose, because this show likes nothing more than giving its viewers the finger.
• fake flashbacks.
• doppelganger. Most likely a doppelganger with a bad attitude, because that worked out so well this year on General Hospital.
• robot. Who would have a Dixie robot, and for what purpose? I don't know. But it's possible.

Love That Probably Should Be Forbidden

I'm going to go out on a limb and wager that the General Hospital writing staff probably has their fair share of awkward moments in their everyday lives, and I don't just mean because of the vapors they get when they see or hear something that reminds them of Jason Morgan (such as the name Jason, the name Morgan, guns, churches, hymns, etc.), although I'm sure that is supremely uncomfortable to the people they come in contact with.

(Seriously, we watch a show where the hero is plagued with self doubt and is paid a compliment about how good he is at killing.

Sonny: Franco had 3 months to study. You had, what, a minute? If you had the same amount of time to study that sick freak, he'd be at the bottom of the harbor the night of the opening because no one is better at what you do.

Sometimes you can't even snark on something because it is so bizarre)

No, what I'm concerned about is their outlook on human relationships, especially those of the romantic variety, because some of them can be aptly summed up with the words "not quite right" or with the scientific term "ooky".

Discussing ooky relationships seems like a natural segue into the on-going Elizabeth/Lucky/Nikolas cluster of vileness, but I'm going to go the self-deprecating route and discuss my James Franco crush instead. Because, really, what better descriptor is there for a crush that leads me to say, at the end of a TERRIBLE storyline that was a WASTE of a talented actor's time and TORTURE for the audience, "Oh, I wish he wasn't leaving!"? Well, maybe straight-up crazy town would be a better descriptor, but whatever.

I know, on some level, that the entire Franco thing was awful. I don't know what Bob Guza was thinking when he planned it--actually, scratch that, I know exactly what he was thinking ("Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason Jason. Jason!"). And I know that the only good points of this story were of the "so bad, it's" variety. Like double entendres about Jason assuming the position. Or rejected offers of chips and dip. Or...whatever this is.

Yet, I am still sad to see him go.

Exactly, Saul Silver. Exactly.

Back To A Grim Reality

Today, How I Met Your Mother aired its 100th episode (and it was amazing. That's not a spoiler, since we all already know that anything and everything about How I Met Your Mother is amazing) and I checked my DVR obsessively to make sure that I had recorded said 100th episode, so that I'd be able to re-watch it a million billion times, as I am wont to do with episodes of shows that I love. Needless to say, I do not have any soap episodes saved to watch endlessly. Imagine that!

And every time I checked my DVR, I noticed that All My Children is also all set and ready to record. And I was tempted to (if you'll imagine me doing huge, sarcastic finger quotes), "accidentally" cancel tomorrow's recording.

I know, you're thinking to yourselves, "Wasn't she kind of mildly pleased with this show just a few hours ago? What gives?" What gives is that I: have a mercurial temperament; was mildly pleased with the adorability and sass that occur exclusively off-screen (since the show, for some reason, is firmly committed to depriving most actors of their natural likability); and, perhaps most egregiously, was forced to watch people LIMBOING today.

Is limboing even a word? I keep reading it as Lim-BOING, which is amusing, especially if you say it out loud. Obviously, my standards for amusement are RIDICULOUSLY low.

What struck me about today's episode, and led me to contemplate getting rid of tomorrow's, is that I don't feel any investment in any of the stories going on.

I mean, I'd contemplate caring about Annie's custody story if I were bribed to do so, but that would mostly be for David Canary's sake, because he is wonderful in every which way.

And I like Greenlee, but I have no desire to watch her make her way back to Pine Valley and to Ryan, who is currently [REDACTED OUT OF COURTESY FOR PEOPLE WHO MAY BE READING THIS WHILST EATING]. Ugh, as she was almost dying during surgery, she had thoughts of Ryan and it totally saved her life. Quick, I'm thinking of a word, see if you can guess it! Three letters, starts with g, rhymes with "bag".

And Jake, Amanda and David, and the shenanigans between the three are too stupid for further comment. I mean, really, how much longer are we going to do the "David BAD"/"Oh, he's not bad, he's dying. Poor David! Dying! Poor Dying David!"/"I'm dying! Mwahaha, not really" dance? It's going to drive me to a mental break, and I'd say I am more than halfway there, based on the Lim-BOING incident...

Sunday In The Park With AMC

More All My Children 40th anniversary goodness went on today, as the New York TimesArts & Leisure Weekend featured an All My Children At 40 panel featuring Agnes Nixon, Susan Lucci, Debbi Morgan, Cameron Mathison, Rebecca Budig and Julie Hannan Carruthers, moderated by Jacques Steinberg and attended by yours truly.

Picture courtesy of BlogHer! See, they are all adorable and, aside from Cameron Mathison, munchkins. Munchkins!

Fantastic is a good descriptor for the event overall, actually! It was lovely--all of the participants had really interesting things to say and the questions the audience asked were great. But more on that in a bit.

What was especially heart-warming was how many people, while we all waited in line to be let in, bonded over a shared horror at what Charles Pratt did with the show (yes, watching people bond over a shared hatred warms my heart. I have...different priorities). Seriously, I overheard passionate fans and anti-fans of every character and couple discussing the show and almost all of their conversations included some variation of the phrase, "But everything went so far downhill this year". It was amazing. Even La Lucci herself pointedly said at one point, when asked if she ever thought to herself that Erica wouldn't do that, that for the past year, Erica hasn't been Erica, but she assured us that the real Erica is back now. So while Madonna claimed that music makes the people come together, a more accurate assessment is that hatred of Charles Pratt makes the people come together! Although that makes for a far less catchy tune.

Faster Than A Speeding Bullet

I was going to apologize for this being a drive-by post*, but then I said to myself, "Kyle**, why should I spend more time writing a blog post than the writers spend crafting entire plots?"

In a spectacular example of why you should be careful what you wish for, The Young and the Restless seems to have responded to complaints about the long-ago era where it took a full decade for stories to play out from start to finish by giving viewers stories that move at warp speed. Sharon and Adam? Ridiculous. Jack and Emily? LAUGHABLY BAD. Do you know what it says about a story when I, of the confirmed over-the-top...well, I like to think of it as "appreciation for", but others refer to it as "stalkerish love of" Peter Bergman can't even sit through Jack and Emily scenes? It says a lot, and none of it good. 

Why are these things happening so quickly?! There is honestly more character development and plot build-up in the average music video.

I do have other quibbles.

The first, to no one's surprise, is Sharon's hair, which distracted me to no end during the otherwise great scene where she confronted Jack.

Sharon: You know, that is exactly what I said. I just wish that you had sat down and talked to me about this, Jack, before you did something so impulsive.

Jack: (Sighs)

Chloe: Okay, powder room break?

Emily: Oh, actually, I'd like to hear what Sharon has to say.

Sharon: Well, then you should have been in my living room last night when Jack was attacking my marriage, pretending to be my friend.

Jack: I am your friend.

Sharon: Oh, really? Well, then I hope that you will enjoy this bottle of bubbly, because you're gonna need it to wash down all those words you're about to eat.

Jack: This is not the time.

Sharon: Yes, now is exactly the time. You come to my door and you condemn me for eloping with Adam, claiming that I'm unstable?

Jack: I never said that.

Sharon: What? Yes, you did. You must have a selective memory, Jack, which is probably why you neglected to tell me you're engaged to a woman who you've known for, what, ten minutes?

Compelling stuff, right?! So why was the only thing running through my mind, "...how does that even HAPPEN?"

She needs an intervention.

The second quibble is Malcolm.

Maybe I shouldn't call it a quibble. Maybe I should call it something I am having a REALLY hard time with. Because I'm trying so hard not to pre-judge, which is unlike me, but you know, new year, new you, etc. I actually originally typed "Malcolm" and I deleted the sarcastic airquotes, because that's not fair to Darius McCrary. THAT's progress, right? Because it's not his fault that I am used to Shemar Moore, no doubt due to watching Criminal Minds near obsessively and seeing him daily (I actually just stopped referring to HIM as Malcolm in, like, October). And it's also not his fault that I was a big fan of TGIF on ABC as a child and will therefore always think of him first and foremost as Eddie Winslow (if it makes him feel any better, I think of nearly all TGIF alums as their character. Just ask William Russ!).  

BUT. In the LOVE column: Jo Jo.

I think I may be obsessed with her, if by "obsessed" you mean "fascinated enough by her to consider watching a Jo Jo spinoff and DVRing every minute of said spinoff. Or writing said spinoff if no one else recognizes the entertainment world's need for it".

*I actually do apologize for that, and for the lateness with which I will bringing you the Young and the Restless year-in-review and more posts. I am the worst!

**I still have a couple more weeks for random Boy Meets World references and I plan to use them, even if Tucker has nothing to do with the topic at hand.

Two Kinds of Awesome

It's rare that an episode of General Hospital has even one awesome thing. Or one thing that approaches being mildly okay. But Thursday's show featured two genuinely fantastic moments amongst the "Oh, Patrick, you were so wild back in the day and I'm so glad I knew you then instead of now"¹ and the--I'm not paraphrasing here, this is what Elizabeth ACTUALLY said--"I'm not going to blow apart my life for anyone. And I'm going to lie until the day I die to preserve our relationship"², and they were fantastic in wildly different ways.

Laura Wright and Drew Garrett's work together was genuinely amazing. I enjoy watching both of them, always. Apparently, liking Laura Wright so much is a seriously controversial opinion, but I do; I have major respect for anyone who can make this poorly written version of Carly tolerable (even I'm not brainwashed by her pretty hair enough to think that she's always likable). And Drew Garrett is seriously such a find. Even when I can't stand what Michael is saying or doing (which is....a lot of the time), I still feel compelled to watch. Sure, that might be Stockholm Syndrome, but it might also be a great performance! He should really start working on an Outstanding Younger Actor Emmy acceptance speech now (assuming that there is an actual Emmy ceremony and not a situation where the winners get their Emmy via USPS in a damaged box) after his work yesterday.

 
Carly: It's not healthy, sitting on your emotions. They back up on you, Michael. They choke you. You still feel what you're going to feel. It just comes out in different ways. You think I don't see that you're not eating and you're not sleeping? You're angry, and you're distant. You lash out at people you love. You're taunting the cops. And now you're drinking and driving. I'm scared. I'm afraid for you.

Michael: But if I can't fix anything else, if I have to sit around like an idiot while everybody else is cleaning up my own messes... I should at least be able to get a grip on my own turmoils. Why should I dump that on the rest of you, too?

Carly: Because that's what most people who love each other do. I dump everything on Jason [Hee!--Ed.]. You think I'm weak?

Michael: Anything but.  And it's not that I can't sleep. I don't want to, 'cause I have nightmares. You know, I can feel the weight of the axe handle in my hands, and I feel my arms swinging, and I can see the startled look on Claudia's eyes. And then she's falling. But not like that night, you know? She just dropped. In my dream, she's going down in slow motion, collapsing like in sections on the floor. And the worst part is the blood. It's still warm. The blood's alive, the blood's still alive. I was just trying to stop her. I was just trying to help you and Josslyn. Claudia was not supposed to die.

So freaking good.

And then there was the OTHER kind of awesome. The kind where you're watching your TV, wide-eyed with fascination and you don't know if it's good or bad, or if you're imagining the whole thing, but either way, you can't help giggling at how amazing and absurd it is at the same time. You know what I'm talking about: Franco.

Hysterical Blindness

I watched All My Children today (in about eight minutes, total, since my thumb has a tendency to get a bit liberal with the fast-forward button, but that's neither here nor there) and I can honestly say that I (not to mention people within earshot) will never be the same again (due to clawing my own eyes out and going deaf from hearing my anguished screams, respectively).

My evening has thus been spent going through the stages of grief, mourning the way that I used to be.

DENIAL "That didn't just happen! I must have...eaten a scone laced with an especially dangerous strain of a hallucinogenic that made me imagine that."

ANGER "How could you do that to me, eyes? Why did you let me see that?"

BARGAINING "I will kill a hobo if it would let me un-see that."

DEPRESSION "Sorry, I couldn't hear what you were saying over the sound of my huge, wrenching sobs. Come again?"

There is no way to write about what happened with The Thing, both because I've run out of clever ways to say "Why, for the love of God, why?" and because in order to write about it, I'd have to remember what happened, and I can't subject myself to that. So instead, I am going to close my eyes and copy and paste the relevant portion of the Soap Opera Digest recap:

Ryan was back at home and couldn't get his mind off of Erica. He flashed back to the moments they shared that sparked their romantic feelings for each other. Erica, meanwhile, did the same as she put on her DVD and ordered room service for one. Later, Erica was surprised when Ryan entered with her room service. He admitted that he couldn't stop thinking about her at home and it led him back to her place; she confessed the same. They couldn't wait any longer and started to undress...meanwhile, back in PV, Ryan and Erica did some serious post-coital cuddling.

BRB, sticking my head in a microwave!

Let Me Hear Your Body Talk (Your body ta-alk...)

Well, we can't call it a subtle episode, now, can we?  Starting with yesterday's title...

Although they didn't really need the parenthetical, since we never really got that far.

I'm all for episodes with unity, and this one had it in spades.  We had the physically cute...

Destiny and Shaun working out together because they both got rejected.  It was actually completely adorable.  Also, I felt for her.  I totally did those butt exercises this morning and they kill.

And we had the hot...

Clearly that requires no explanation.  Cristian got a haircut, though.  Weigh in!  I haven't quite decided how I feel about it yet.  

We had a sweet first kiss...

Aww.  I found it a bit hard to swallow that they discussed it so frankly, though.  First kisses are usually all kinds of awkward posturing.

There was some dull stuff with the teen set, too, but of course the focal point of the episode was the "parallel" sex scenes.  Now, I'm not generally spoiled, but I did have some idea this was going to happen today and was dreading it.  But I have to say -- and I know some Blair fans are probably seething today because (a) she can do better and (b) she slept with a man who "really" wants Tea and was just using her to forget that, but here's the thing.  I am assuming I was supposed to be watching this juxtaposition and thinking, "Oh, Todd and Tea made love and whispered sweet nothings and shared something meaningful," and, "Ew, Eli and Blair had cheap tawdry sex because they're pathetic people who couldn't have who they really wanted," right?  Was I?  Because I can't tell.  Maybe this is revealing a little too much about myself here, but this one's no contest for me.  I could have this:

Boy is Todd hot in that sweatsuit.

Or I could have this:

Yeah, so far I'm not torn. 

Soap Blog Coalition

There's an old theater adage that says drama should be life without the boring parts. For webisodic soap operas, that saying holds true more than ever before. Daytime Confidential's Jamey reviews Gotham the Series. (Daytime Confidential)

It featured too much recent history and far too many mentions of Babe, but even so, the Serial Drama girls loved the AMC 40th Anniversary show. How could they not adore something that brought us Palmer, Brooke, Jackson and tons of footage of terrible 80s hairstyles? (Serial Drama)

A new decade challenges the genre known as the soap opera. The heartbreaking routine of the demise of ratings and the cancellation of so many of our favorites during previous decades seems to be a soaps saga as repetitive as evil twin syndrome but it has become far too real for my taste. (Soap Opera Examiner)

The Wub Tub: Sunday Surgery takes a look at Lulu on a bomb, Sam on a box and Carly stalked by a Fox. Alberta Wubs goes to the Rose Bowl! Catch spoilers for the beginning of 2010 and more. (Wubs)