I Just...I Can't...What the...This Is a Terrible Show.
Just so we're clear, this ridiculous excuse for a soap opera wants me to feel sorry for one of its two heroes, because he shot an innocent, unarmed police officer at point-blank range in the chest in an attempt to kill him for doing his job? That's what's happening on my screen, right?
Yesterday was a fun follow-up to Friday's episode. As Sonny was helping Olivia hold a towel over the sucking wound in Dante's chest caused by SONNY TRYING TO MURDER HIM:
Sonny: How could you do this, Olivia? How could you let this happen?
"That was so irresponsible when you started talking like Dirty Harry and then shot our kid! That was you, right? I'm sure it was."
And then everything was "my son" this and "my son" that. Nauseating. Are we supposed to believe Sonny is in shock and is therefore behaving completely insanely? Or is this a continuation of the "Sonny is a fantastic father" meme we've been subjected to for the last decade? I think you know which option I lean towards.
Sonny to Dante: You gotta understand; this would not have happened if I knew. We're a lot alike, in a lot of ways...
"...I mean sure, I have fewer gaping chest wounds, but we both have wavy hair and like the Yankees!"
What the hell is this dialogue? "I try not to shoot people who are a lot like me, because I'm awesome so you must be too."
Sonny: I can't believe I'm your father. I'm gonna figure out a way to make this right.
Dante: ::in a coma caused by Sonny SHOOTING HIM IN THE CHEST::
I didn't mean to shoot MY son. I meant to shoot SOMEONE ELSE'S son.
Sonny to Dante: It's alright. Hey, I'm not gonna hurt you.* It was all a mistake.** I'm your father.***
* ....again. Probably. It kind of all depends on whether you piss me off.
** I accidentally attempted to kill you intentionally. It's complicated.
*** Which is important to mention at this moment, even though hearing it may be mentally and physically traumatic for you, because it's a really significant development for me, and I don't have a lot else going on in my life right now. The coffee business is slow since effing McDonald's decided to get into the game, and I did have this annoying cop building a case to send me to prison but I---. Um, never mind.
Olivia: What the hell were you thinking? You think this is the time to talk to him about being his father?
Sonny: I just wanted to let him know that I'm not gonna hurt him.
Olivia: And you think that that information couldn't wait?
Sonny: He woke up. He looked at me. He had panic in his eyes. I was just trying to calm him down. What's the big deal?
"You're being such a nag, Livvy! Chill out. It's very calming to wake up from a coma to learn that your attempted murderer is actually your parent. Chicks are so stupid and hysterical sometimes."
Sonny to Olivia: Dante's in that hospital bed because you never told me the truth.
I thought it was because YOU SHOT HIM IN THE CHEST.
Sonny to Olivia: Where do you get off telling me to get out of your face? When you've been lying to me about my son!
I take it back. The writers don't want me to feel sorry for Sonny. I refuse to believe that writers who have any healthy contact with other human beings in real life are writing this shit with any intention other than making the audience hate Sonny with a fiery passion.
Somehow there were a few rays of light today.
A 17-year-old girl is the voice of reason. That sentence has never before and will never again be true.
Kristina: This is exactly why I hate our father. He poisons everything around him. Not even a christening can be beautiful. It all gets ruined by Dad.
Sam: Come on, hey, this isn't helping.
Kristina: I'm just telling the truth. Dad shot a cop. That's the worst crime you can commit. That's why it's called murder with special circumstances. I hope Dad goes to prison for the rest of his life.
Lulu to Sonny: You shot him! How could you?! You disgusting pig, I hope you rot in hell!
Go Lulu! And how often can you say that?
Plus Johnny laid some lovely sarcasm on Maxie (who, along with Robin, nauseatingly defended Sonny -- Robin to an even greater extent, much to my dismay):
Johnny: Right. Poor Sonny. The man shoots a cop, finds out it's his child. Must wreck his whole night, right?
And he comforted Olivia super adorably. (And hotly, but I feel like evaluating hotness in that situation is inappropriate. And I am a slave to propriety.)
And there was...