It's Hard To Think Of A Pithy Title When You Are Filled With RAGE
THINGS THAT I HATE LESS THAN I HATE SONNY, JASON AND THE SHOW'S INEXPLICABLE NEED TO PORTRAY THEM AS THE GREATEST PEOPLE TO EVER DO GREAT THINGS IN GREAT WAYS. AND IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME, YOU KNOW THAT I HATE THESE THINGS WITH A PASSION, SO FOR ME TO HATE SONNY, JASON AND THE GH WRITING STAFF MORE THAN I HATE THEM IS SAYING SOMETHING. SOMETHING BAD, SPECIFICALLY.
1. The new commercials for Jay Leno's return to The Tonight Show that play "Get Back" by The Beatles, specifically the line "Get back to where you once belonged", which is just so needlessly mean (and which so needlessly taints an awesome Beatles song) that I can't even.
2. Evgeni Plushenko, Evgeni Plushenko's reaction to losing the gold medal to Evan Lysacek and the hilariously melodramatic article Elvis Stojko wrotetaking up Plushenko's cause (if you haven't read it already: RIP Figure Skating!).
3. The media's obsessive coverage of the Kardashian sisters.
4. People on the highway who come to a full stop before making a right turn onto their exit.
5. Kirk Cameron.
Just to recap, we watch a show where a mobster shoots an unarmed, undercover cop in the chest, and he is the one we're supposed to be feeling sorry for. And we're also supposed to be appreciative of the mobster's devoted hitman sidekick, because if the hitman had been the one to kill the undercover cop, he'd have done it in a less heinous way (because there is a complex scale of what kind of murder is actually bad, I guess).
Sonny: I was cheated! My son never got to know me as his father. The damage is on you!
Jason: Dante was supposed to die. I made all the arrangements. I was going to kill you, even though you saved Lulu. Because you're a rat cop who came after us.
Lulu: Yeah, but you wouldn't have done it the way Sonny did, standing point blank in front of you. He didn't even have a gun!
At least it's my job to watch this pile of vomit television show. I don't know what your excuse is!
Whenever Sonny has one of his fits of self-pity and attempts to do whatever he can to make someone else (mostly Olivia) feel guilty for the fact that he shot his own son in the chest because he is an immoral career criminal, I let out a little squawk of indignation. And considering that these fits of self-pity happen at least a dozen times per episode, my bedroom probably sounds like a pet store.
(The saddest part is that even though he has approximately two lines of dialogue repeated every day, Maurice Benard still stumbles over half of his lines. I mean, I have heard them so often that I can repeat them verbatim!)
The only redeeming factor in today's stop on the "Yes, I shot my son in the chest, but aside from the trigger-pulling, it actually wasn't my fault at all" tour was that Olivia didn't let this orange jackass off the hook for even a minute, which was a blessed relief. I mean, you'd think that there'd never even be the possibility that the mother of a shot coup would let her son's shooter off the hook, but this IS GH and Olivia IS prone to saying that Sonny is a good man, so her reaction today was nice.
Sonny: It's because of you that my son looks at me like I'm a stranger. You owe me that.
Olivia: I owe you nothing!
Sonny, your son looks at you like you're the asshole who shot him in the chest!
Olivia: You want to talk about damage? You want to talk about damage? How about the damage you did when you put a bullet in his chest?
Sonny, in the most patronizing, condescending voice possible, like he's explaining things to a five-year-old, as if Sonny Corinthos is possible of explaining anything to anyone: That wouldn't have happened if I knew he was my son.
"Anyone else's son, for sure. But I love my kids! I'd never shoot them! I love Michael and Morgan, and...Girl Child!"
Olivia: I'm sorry I let that investigation go on as long as it did, but I will never, ever apologize for keeping my kid out of your world of crime and corruption. You want to know the proof that I did right? The proof is the fine man that I raised. He has values, he knows right from wrong. He's a fine, upstanding man. Now you look me in the eye and tell me that's the man he would have grown into if he grew up in your world.
"What the fuck does upstanding mean?"
Olivia's harsh (and all too true) words didn't take, because Sonny then went to visit the son he shot in the chest, the one who has expressly said multiple times that he wants nothing to do with Sonny, and when Dante shot him down again, Sonny came back with
Sonny: That anger? That refusal to forgive? Just like me...
Yes, reminding him that his two worst qualities come directly from you is sure to get him on your side, you dick.
Sonny's not the only one who thinks that his biological connection to Dante should override the fact that he shot the guy in the heart. Jason is a little fed up with the fact that Dante is not showing proper appreciation for Sonny.
Dante: This must be tough for you, from a business perspective: a cop who knows too much and should probably die. But as it turns out, I'm Sonny's son, which surprised everyone. Me especially. He's got a sentimental attachment to me. He told you not to kill me, didn't he?
Jason: That was his order.
Dante: Once Sonny's in prison, I'm sure you'll be taking over the business and you'll come after me any time you want, right?
Jason: Don't you even care that Sonny's protecting you? Even though you lied to his face, and did everything you could to destroy him?
Dante: Wait a minute. Are you telling me I should be grateful to the man who shot me?
Jason: How about some gratitude and some respect for your father?
Yeah, Dante, because if there is anybody in the world who unfailingly shows respect for his biological relatives, it's Jason!
Then Lulu showed up and her streak of showing some sweet, sweet Sonny hatred continued.
Lulu:You know, I found out I was wrong about Sonny. He's not really kind or honorable,he doesn't really have a code or limits. but as long as he pretends to have a conscience, as long as he pretends he's a good person who is sometimes forced to do bad things, no one will stand up and stop him.
Jason: What do you expect, Lulu? You think Sonny's going to sit you down and tell you every terrible thing he's done? He tries to be honorable and he tries to be kind.
Lulu: Until it gets in the way of business?
Jason: No, until it gets in the way of survival.
Jason, it should be noted, was visibly impatient and rolled his eyes when Lulu launched into her righteous rant, like he was Courtney Matthews or something.
As much as I enjoyed this, and have been enjoying Lulu lately (she and Dante continue to be the cutest cute to ever cute), I couldn't love this because
a) the aforementioned, "Yeah, you were going to kill Dante, but if you killed him, you'd have done it in a nice way". Like, it's awesome that she's finally realizing that Sonny is scum, but how is his righthand man who carries out most of his murders not scum as well?
and also, b) what the hell was she wearing today?
What is that? Why do any of those pieces exist, why were their paired together and why was that filmed for national television?
I have to admit that I didn't pay close attention to the rest of the episode, because I was distracted by my SEETHING HATRED and also by
- Nathan Parson's continuing inability to speak intelligibly
- the sad feeling I have that Brandon Barash and his pretty are going to be sent out of Port Charles soon, probably in a body bag
- Maxie's hair
It's every hideous hair trend of the past five years shellacked into one wholly horrifying 'do. It goes without saying that the hairstylist responsible for this should have his/her license revoked and should probably also face federal charges.
But I DID hear the excellently snarky line Elizabeth threw at Nikolas:
Nikolas: You and I were together a lot of times. You were only with Lucky once. The odds are that the baby is mine.
Liz: Well, we don't know that now, do we?
Nikolas: No, we don't. But if it is, we're connected for the rest of our lives, whether you like it or not.
Liz: So you think staking a claim to this baby is kind of like staking a claim to me?
Nikolas: No, no of course not.
Liz: Are you sure? Because you already have one kid you pretty much ignore, so why would you want another one?
I actually cackled, because it's true, and then I started imagining what hilarious fun Spencer and Alfred are up to right now, and thinking about how much I'd rather watch that show than "You're a good man, Sonny Corinthos!"