Jason, The Mob and Full-Frontal Snogging
(I sort of feel terrible for associating Louise Rennison's amazing, hilarious and genuinely brilliant Georgia Nicolson series with General Hospital, but Molly's use of the word "snogging" opened a door that I just couldn't close!)
A lot went down in Port Charles today and, surprisingly, not all of it was terrible. I mean, most of it was terrible, for sure, because this is Guza-era Port Charles (Population: Awful People Doing Awful Things), but there were quite a few moments that were entertaining, from those that were unintentionally amusing to the ones that were genuinely fantastic.
Like, today featured several moments where Jason was visibly uncomfortable, which is always good for a chuckle, such as when Sam made him drink the pink champagne and the champagne flute could not hide his consternation.
And then when he and Sam dropped off Kristina and Molly, and walked in on Mac and Alexis making out, he averted his eyes and, awkwardly, said, "Guess we should have called."
(Although this was then followed up with Jason seducing Sam with a hot new 9mm gun that he read about in Firearms, like, "Who's uncomfortable now, bitch?"
Me. I am uncomfortable. You win, Jase)
The latter, actually, all involved Dante and Lulu, who have become Awesome Writer's go-to characters for truth-telling and romance.
Dante had the utterly awesome moment that I already gushed aboutbut will gush about again because it was so fantastic to hear Dante smack Sonny's weeble ass down, especially since Sonny has been like a broken record lately all, "Once he gets to know me, he'll completely move past the gaping chest wound and love me":
Dante: I don't care that you're my father. I'm dedicating myself to bringing you down.
But Lulu was also good for telling Sonny where to stick his half-assed "apologies" when he showed up at her apartment to ask her for help getting to know Dante. I've been loving the writing for her lately, and while past history makes me expect that I'll be back to irritation with her soon (my feelings for her on the show have gone something like, "Hey, she's pretty awesome" to "I kind of wish she wasn't on everyday" to "Over it" to "Hey, she's not so bad" to "KILL IT" to "She hasn't bugged me in a while" to "Never mind, I take that back"), I am just going to sit back and enjoy it.
Like, when he tried to tell her that this pesky anger she's feeling about him shooting her boyfriend in the chest will go away and then she'll think more rationally.
Sonny: I know a thing about anger*. I've dealt with it my whole life, and I know that it dissipates, and you're able to see more clearly and I was just hoping that you could see me more clearly.
Lulu: Wow, that is so ironic because I actually do see you clearly, Sonny. For the first time in my life, I can see past the smile and the good manners and I can see that the words blood money aren't an exaggeration, they're a fact. You kill for what you have, and you were going to kill Dante and I can't make an excuse for that. And I can't pretend that I'm going to forgive you or ever understand you, because I don't think I ever will.
*He doesn't even know a thing or two about anger, merely a thing! Someone is trying out false modesty!
Did Sonny take a moment to reflect upon any of that? No, he snidely said that he heard Lulu out, so it's her turn to hear him out and maybe help him figure out how to connect with Dante. Who he shot, remember? Because Lulu does!
Lulu: I get that you're sorry you shot him, but sorry's not enough.
Sonny: That's the only thing I got. And I know you think this is hard to believe, but I think Dante understands I had no choice.
What the hell kind of world is this man living in? Has his hair gel seeped into his brain somehow?
Then Lulu dropped the bombshell that Dante was joining the PCPD and was all, "YA BURNT" and Sonny ran back to Dante's hospital room in literally less than ten seconds, but that's a discussion for further down this entry.
Before Lulu's sass and reason made me giggle, she and Dante had some romantic scenes at the hospital that were just...great. I so enjoy these two together. Dominic Zamprogna could probably share scenes with Teddy Ruxpin and would inspire 'shipper fanboards (which would be quite the accomplishment, because Teddy Ruxpin was HORRIFYING), but for such a good actress, Julie Marie Berman has had trouble sparking with love interests (remember when Brandon Barash openly loathed their pairing?*). Luckily, they spark together like crazy.
*EDIT: It's come to my attention that people are wondering if I am being sincere about that, and I don't want to put words into Brandon Barash's mouth, although [dirty joke redacted]. I don't know how he felt about their pairing for sure, but his boredom seemed obvious during their time on the run, so I am making an ass of me and assuming*
Lulu: For what it's worth, I honestly don't think Olivia would ever go back to Sonny, and I think she'd have to come a long way before forgiving Sonny for shooting you.
Dante: I hope so, but I'm beginning to see that my mother has made some pretty questionable choices in her personal life.
Lulu: Who doesn't?
Dante: Me. I chose you a long time ago, remember? And I gotta tell you, that whole protective lioness thing--
Lulu: Whoa, easy boy. We don't need you beeping and blaring.
Dante: Wait till you hear me when I really get started...you're coming back tomorrow, right?
Lulu: Try and stop me.
Love, love, love.
And then there were the moments that were pretty cute, except I am a critical nag so I have something to complain about, and since that something is a child, I'm probably going to hell.
The Jason/Sam Valentine's Day scenes? Up until the hot gun talk, they were pretty sweet! And Mac surprising Alexis with her favorite cookies, and then making out with her, a makeout session which did crazy things for her hair?
And John J. York's handsomeness did get a shoutout:
Kristina: Making out with a smoking hot guy like Mac is nothing to be ashamed of.
Molly: Yeah, Mom, you should be proud and should definitely carry on. And now Kristina and I will disappear and you guys should keep on snogging.
So what's the problem? While Molly is undeniably adorable and precocious...sometimes too much adorable precociousness is a bad thing. That's all I am going to say, because I don't want to go on a long rant about how annoying a child is.
And while I'm complaining, Kristina recognizes that her father is a violent, morally corrupt tool, but...she's totally okay with helping Jason, who carries out most of Sonny's murders for him, have the most awesome Valentine's Day ever? Huh. Not that I expect logic, or consistency, or anyone to call Jason out for what he is, but just...huh.
Then there was the "shocking" turn that "nobody saw coming. We are just talking about headless people in the remote wilderness, right? Because they didn't see it coming. Well, most of them didn't anyway" that we've all worried about since we heard that Becky Herbst is pregnant: Liz is pregnant! And she doesn't know who the father is! Because this character hasn't had this exact story in a couple of years.
Kelly, being the worst person to ever practice medicine, happily announced this news to Liz in front of Nikolas and Lucky.
Liz: Pregnant? Me?
Kelly: According to your test results, you're about three months in.
Liz: What? Pregnant?
Kelly: I take it you didn't know.
Liz: No, I didn't know.
Kelly: You haven't experienced any morning sickness, weight gain...?
Liz: I've been under a lot of stress lately. I've been feeling a lot of things.
1.) Test results mean nothing, Liz! She thought Maxie was pregnant with a pillow!
2.) Liz getting her snark on at the end of that conversation tickled me.
3.) What the hell happened to confidentiality?
Nikolas, worried that Kelly would win the "Most Wretched Person In This Scene" award, decided to go all out in reminding us that he is a tool, and also a douchebag.
Nikolas: Uh, okay. If no one's going to ask this question, I guess I will: how soon can we do a paternity test?
UM, maybe no one was asking this question because there is a time and a place for everything, and the time is not "when Liz is HOSPITALIZED for HYPOTHERMIA" and the place is certainly not "the hospital", and also maybe Elizabeth would be a little ashamed to be having this conversation at this moment, you fucking dolt?
BTW, the answer? April...or May 1st. As in May sweeps. As in screw you, Guza.
Nikolas didn't say a whole lot this episode (and certainly nothing of use) but he drove me crazy. When Lucky broke the pregnancy news to Steven (who was horrified), and then they all went to talk to Liz (which was dumb, because I feel like it was something Steven should do by himself), and Steven said
Steven: This is tricky emotional terrain. The guilt she's feeling is crushing her soul, and now it's compounded by her weakened physical state, and an unplanned pregnancy has got to be throwing her for a loop.
Nikolas pretty much looked bored, and rolled his eyes. And whenever Lucky said anything--like when Steven asked that they let him take the lead in talking to Liz and Lucky said that was fine, Nikolas quickly chimed in, too, very much all, "Oh, Lucky said that? Okay, well I'm going to say it, too."
Elizabeth then went up to the roof to contemplate suicide, and I have to give Becky Herbst props, because she was really, really good in that moment of just seeming completely gutted, and I totally felt for her (even if I think the suicidal thoughts kind of came out of nowhere)
Lucky found her and tried his hardest to talk her down, and Nikolas and Steven came up to the roof, and Nik tried to run over to Liz and Lucky. Like WHAT THE HELL was that going to accomplish? "Hey, Liz, remember how you're suicidal because our affair ruined your life? Well, in case you didn't remember that, here I am, all up in your face to remind you". Luckily, Steven held him back and Lucky was able to get through to Liz, who just lost it.
Lucky: Think of Cam and Jake. They need you. We can work our way through anything. You believe me, don't you? It's okay, sweetheart. Everything's going to be okay.
It would be completely predictable for me to say that Jonathan Jackson and Becky Herbst were so damn good here, right? I won't. I thought it, though...
Then, because there weren't enough "What the WHAT?" moments today, Steven and Nikolas, off-screen, had a conversation about Liz's mental state and decided that she needs to be put in Shadybrook. ???!!!??? First of all, why the hell would Nik even be part of that discussion? And isn't being placed in a mental institution a pretty big leap? And then when they filled Lucky in on this, he immediately agreed (again, as if he should have a say).
Nikolas: Look, I know, I hate it too.
Steven: She's in deep, deep trouble.
Lucky: I know. I know that. It pains me to say, but I don't disagree with you. Elizabeth needs to be committed.
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS TO ASK ANGRILY IN ALL CAPS.
Jax and Carly and their marital issues and their lying (recap: it's bad when he does it) are far from entertaining, but their scenes today led to some noteworthy moments.
When Jax said Josslyn was staying with him, and that Carly should be fine with that because, "You've said it a million times. Leaving Michael with Jason when he was a baby was the best thing you could have done for him", Carly shot him this look.
If looks could kill, Jax's body outlined in chalk would be featured prominently at Franco's next art show.
Jax explained his ideal custody arrangement to Carly
Jax: I'm not saying you can't see your daughter. You'll have visitation rights.
Carly: Oh, thank you. Generous!
Jax: And I'm hoping that you'll be just as generous about seeing Morgan. (Long pause) And, uh, Michael, too, if he wants to see me.
And he made another funny, too:
Jax: We should let go with as much class and dignity as we can muster up.
Class and dignity! In a conversation with Carly. Hilariosity.
This latest separation completely broke Morgan's heart, and Aaron Refvem broke mine. He is so freaking talented. I'll do whatever it takes to root for Carly and Jax to be together forever if it will make Morgan happy, because I can't even with his sadness. I can't.
Morgan: How could you let this happen? You're supposed to make up with Jax.
Carly: It's not that simple.
Morgan: Why not? What's wrong with this family, why are we always falling apart? Why does everyone quit?
Carly: No one is quitting on you.
Morgan: Jax is. He's moving into a hotel with his real kid [OH, MORGAN<3--Ed.].
Carly: No, don't say that. Jax loves you as if you were his own.
Morgan: It's not going to be the same without him. I hate this!
Carly: I hate it, too. I hate it, too.
This was then followed up with disturbing scenes in which Jax told his
(adorably fat-headed, like OMG I love this baby)
daughter that he's just bluffing and Carly explained to Morgan how to manipulate your significant other. Why were they so disturbing? Aside from parents sharing their dysfunctional mind games with their children (I mean, for the love of! Morgan already has Sonny's genes, you don't need to make it even more impossible for him to be a healthy person!), it made me agree with Michael, who wrote Carly's entire plan off as "ass backwards" and told her that she's kidding herself. Michael! I am now agreeing with the brat with rage issues. That's just great.
One brat with rage issues that I won't be agreeing with any time soon is Sonny, who played a prominent role in all of Olivia and Dante's scenes today. Olivia tried to explain her unexplainable choices to Dante, who was having none of it.
Olivia: Ever since you got shot, I've been sitting in that waiting room practically 24/7, yelling at myself, drowning in a sea of remorse and regret and and I deserve it. I am not by any stretch excusing what I did, but I am still your mother. And I love you more than anything in this world and you know that. You know this distance between us, it hurts me. You can be angry at me, you can refuse to talk to me, you can refuse to acknowledge me, but you're going to have to do it to my face. And for the record, I may have made the biggest mistake of my life last summer when you came to town and you told me you where here to take down Sonny and I didn't just tell you the truth right then and there. But I also managed to raise an unbelievable man who makes me proud every single day so I know that I did something right.
Kind of rambling, and it didn't exactly make total sense, but I got where she was going. Until she got on the "Poor Sonny" train. First stop? "Sonny had a hard life"-ville.
Olivia: Here you are, every bit as handsome and smart and charming as your father, but you're grounded. You know right from wrong. You're never going to struggle with the demons that Sonny does, you're never going to fight the self hatred and regret that Sonny does.
Dante: Listen to you. You feel sorry for him.
Olivia: Of course I do. How could you not feel sorry for him? What life did to Sonny, and the choices that he made, turned him into the man that could shoot you? Yeah, I feel sad for Sonny. And I feel sad for myself too because you're so mad at me, but I can handle that. I can because I'm so proud of you, because you are who you are.
That's a whole lot of Sonny propping wrapped up in unintelligible babbling and things that no mother would ever say about the man who shot her kid in the chest. "I'll feel sorry for him when he's in hell, burning, after I step on his throat", maybe.
And then Sonny rode into Dante's room, again, on a high horse to ask Dante why he's joining the PCPD and if Dante's going to keep coming after him, because, obviously, the wronged party in this situation is the one who shot the cop in the chest, and when Dante informed him that, yup, he totally was, Olivia made this face.
"How could you do this?! Were you not listening to everything I just said about how Sonny had a hard life?!?!"
This effing show.