Serial Drama

In Which Jackson Montgomery Preaches To The Choir

Today's episode of All My Children veered dangerously close to being an enjoyable hour of television, what with Greenlee and David hatching a scheme that is both entertaining and in character for both of them (not to mention, it fulfills a wish I had a year ago that the writers remember that the David/Greens relationship is an actual factual thing! So AMC does give the viewers what they want. They just do it months after the fact and, I'm guessing, completely accidentally. I refuse to believe that this surprisingly fun story has been written that way on purpose, because since when does this show do that? This was an absurdly long parenthetical notation. See, this is why I can't have a Twitter, because I talk too damn much for 140 character limits) and certain scenes featuring lots of gravelly-voiced truth-telling and breathy indignation. Luckily, Jake "Have I mentioned that I hate David Hayward recently? David. David! David? D!A!V!I!D!" Martin and Ryan "The Worst" Lavery were around to remind us that while there is the occasional hour of not-so-badness, the operative word there is "occasional".

But let's not gripe about the show's multifarious forms of lameness and focus instead on the exquisite scenes between Jackson and Erica. Why were they so exquisite? First and foremost, because it was just such a treat to have Walt Willey back (let's reflect for a moment on how sad it is that he was gone in the first place) and working with Susan Lucci. And ALSO because he managed to do what we've all wanted to do, which was corner Erica and say to her face, "Your latest romance is fucking disgusting and I can hardly stand to look at you without dry-heaving", although he said it in a more sophisticated manner. Let's take a look, shall we?

Erica: Ryan Lavery has been helping me at Fusion. He and I are partners?
Jack: Partners, is it?
Erica: Yes. I'm sure you're thinking Ryan Lavery isn't exactly an expert in cosmetics or anything like that--

Is it just me or could that sentence have simply been "I'm sure you're thinking Ryan Lavery isn't exactly an expert in cosmetics or anything"?

Erica: but in any other aspect of the business, he excels.

Business, Erica, or "business"? And with that, I just made myself gag. I'm sorry for that, friends.

Jack: Well, you always had more faith in him than I did.

Sneeerrk.

Erica: With good reason, Jack. Professionally speaking, we are a very good team.
Jack: Good. It must be incredible. You know, word of your professional team work has made it all the way across the Atlantic.

As he brandished the tabloid with Ryan and Erica...Ryan and Ericaing on the cover, I had to ask myself if there is any tabloid in the world who would kiss sales goodbye by choosing to put those two on the cover! But then again, there are those magazines who put literal mutants on the cover and they seem to sell, despite being quite nearly as offensive as Ryan/Erica.

Google Searches Make Even a Blizzard Enjoyable

I was raised in California.  I did not have a backyard; I had a beach and a dock.  I tell you this not to sound like a spoiled brat (though I probably was that), but to help you understand why the fact that I am currently halfway through shoveling nearly 30" of snow off my front porch, walkway, driveway, car, and sidewalk is driving me to the brink of a nervous and physical breakdown. 

I needed a pick-me-up.  I needed to laugh.  I needed to feel a sense of superiority to at least a few other people in the world, preferably those who live in year-round warm climates.  I turned, of course, to the Google searches people use to find our little slice of the internet here at Serial Drama.  Mission accomplished.

could i date the girls of serial drama?

That depends.  I need more clarification about the verb "date."  Like, as you would a large tree?  I can save you the ring-counting:  I am at that point in my 30s at which I've stopped saying the specific age and just say "mid."  Mallory, on the other hand, is only barely able to drive legally.

If you intended the more obvious usage of "date," then your query prompts additional ones, including:  Both of us?  What website did you think Google might send you to that would answer this particular inquiry? Is it wrong that I'm slightly flattered by your search?

love issues: uncle and niece dating

Also, "congrats" to Days for having more than one storyline that led to this disturbing search actually correctly leading someone to our site to explore this issue in more depth. (And hey, since Max is coming back to town, we might have more uncle-niece romances to document.)

bob guza must be destroyed

I like the way you think.  His role tends to be that of destroyer, not destroyee, but if we work together perhaps we can expand his destruction repertoire.

BRB, Hitting Head Against Brick Wall

Siiiigh.

Be sure to pick up the new ABC edition of Soaps In Depth for an exclusive interview with GENERAL HOSPITAL's Rebecca Herbst (Elizabeth) about baby #3! "We've been talking about having another for three years," reveals the actress, already mom to Ethan, 8, and Ella, 5, with husband Michael Saucedo (ex-Juan). And while Herbst was able to hide the bun in her oven for the first few weeks, the cat is literally out of the bag now! "My body is the type where, when I get pregnant, I pop out right away and instantly gain ten pounds!" Good thing that her alter ego is pregnant too: No giant handbags for Herbst to tote around Port Charles in the next few months!

First of all,* there is NOTHING wrong with giant handbags.  Don't hate.

Second of all,

the cat is literally out of the bag now!

No.  No it is not, "professional writer."  This caused me to cosmically guffaw in a penultimate fashion.

But most importantly:

Good thing that her alter ego is pregnant too

* Okay, so my actual "first of all" should be congratulations to Rebecca and her husband, but that requires a generosity of spirit that news of this impending [no doubt "Who's the daddy?"] storyline has completely drained from my being.

The Defense Rests, Your Honor

AWESOME WRITER: So...Sonny shot a police officer in the chest.

BOB GUZA: And the police officer turned out to be his own son. His own son!

AWESOME WRITER: Yeah, the foreshadowing on that one was ludicrously obvious.

BOB GUZA: Thank you.

AWESOME WRITER: I'm just wondering...how is it possible that Sonny can come back from that? I can't imagine one reason why he wouldn't wind up in jail for that.

BOB GUZA: You can't imagine ONE reason? I came up with, like, MULTIPLE reasons:

1. Sonny can't go to jail, because he's claustrophobic!

Jason: You gotta leave for your kids. We both know that you cannot survive being locked up.

Prison would be really horrible for him, on account of the claustrophobia and all. That just wouldn't be fair.

2. If cops weren't such depraved, inept individuals

AWESOME WRITER: Did you get a word-a-day calendar for your birthday?

BOB GUZA: How did you know? Anyway, if the cops didn't suck so bad--

AWESOME WRITER: That sounds more like you...

BOB GUZA: --this wouldn't have happened in the first place.

Olivia: What I'm seeing right here, it confirms everything that Sonny ever told me about you guys, that you're more concerned about throwing a net over him than you are about protecting anybody else, including Dante, supposed to be one of your own.

3. Sonny is a good father. Good fathers don't belong in jail. They belong out of jail, doing things that good fathers do, like having picnics or talking about the Yankees after they order hits.

Jason: No. We got as far as the tarmac. He didn't want to get on the plane, because he doesn't wanna leave Dante.

Sam: Ok, well, that's not surprising. He could spend the rest of his life in prison. It's, yeah, pretty consistent.

Jason: What do you mean?

Sam: Well, it's just Sonny's always all about the kids.

ALL about the kids!

4. Uh, a fucking abuser thinks he should be in jail!

Kiefer:You need to stop stressing over your dad. Unless that's how you wanna spend the rest of your life. Because guess what. He is never gonna change. Sonny corinthos is a gangster. He's a killer. Maybe some good'll come out of this and he'll finally go to prison.

Do you want to be like a violent, moody, abusive jerk? No, you don't.

AWESOME WRITER: So you root against the violent, moody, abusive jerk by rooting for another violent, moody, abusive jerk.

BOB GUZA: Also,

5. Sonny feels INCREDIBLY guilty about shooting his own son.

Olivia: Hey, don't think that Sonny's getting away clean on this, without any consequences. He shot his own son. The guilt is gonna eat him up alive.

AWESOME WRITER: Yeah, because that's more punishment than actual punishment.

BOB GUZA: Exactly! And you know the final reason that Sonny can't go to jail for shooting Dante?

6. Because Dante lied and said Sonny didn't shoot him!

Dante: Ah, he wasn't there, so I waited for him. I knew he kept a gun in his desk drawer, and I didn't want him to use it to try and resist arrest, so I thought I'd take the precaution of unloading it. The gun jammed. I worked it free. It went off. Sonny came in.

BOB GUZA: TWIST ENDING, BITCHES! All I know is that I keep hearing "Bob Guza's done it again!" and "Bob Guza better clear a spot on his mantle for another Emmy".

AWESOME WRITER: Where have you heard that?

BOB GUZA: From people, in places.

AWESOME WRITER: Places like your journal?

BOB GUZA: Either way, it's being said.

Sad Day for Days Fans

Here's a rare completely sincere Serial Drama post...Even daytime fans who didn't watch Days probably understand the significance of this:  Frances Reid has passed away. 

Hopefully Days gives Alice Horton a proper sendoff; she was the heart and matriarch of the show for decades.  More importantly, our sympathies go out to her family and friends, including those on the Days set.

Sniffle.

(In addition to the link above, check out We Love Soaps' ongoing coverage.)

Soap Blog Coalition

Jonathan Jackson made an amazing performance this last week on General Hospital. Hear the DC gang as they discuss it and the latest ABC soap storylines. (Daytime Confidential)

To say the Serial Drama girls are a little appalled by the Sonny-shoots-Dante storyline on General Hospital is like saying Jason's wardrobe contains a couple of black items. (Serial Drama)

These are sad days in Oakdale because of the ultimate demise of As the World Turns, but the plot thickens as it winds down. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Would An "Easy Rider" Joke Be Too Vulgar?

My afternoon commute consists mainly of listening to terrible music at an inappropriately high volume, keeping an eye out for state troopers who lurk at the random intervals where the speed limit changes from 40 to 55 in the blink of an eye and reciting my to-do list out loud. The last is probably not necessary, since I have a to-do list written (in multiple places, at that) and since it garners a side-eye from other drivers, but it's just what I do, and anyway, on the way home today, as I was going through my list and got to the "write about All My Children" part, I let out a shriek of panic because I was convinced that I hadn't watched any episodes this week since I could not remember any of them and, to be perfectly honest, the idea of watching three hours in a row of AMC was just something I was not mentally prepared to deal with at the time.

Anyway, long story long and run-on-sentencey, it turns out that I had watched all of All My Children this week. I just didn't remember any of it, because...well, because nothing actually happened. Aside from Ryan and Erica Ryan and Ericaing, which I fast forward through as if my life depended on it (and it kind of does depend on it, because if I were eating something whilst watching them, I could choke and then die!), and Greenlee being back to her old, devious tricks there is nothing going on worth noting and certainly nothing going on that would qualify as entertaining or soapy.

But I was determined to write about AMC and as I watched today's show, I crossed my fingers that there would be something mock-worthy. And there was. Oh, goodness, how there was. And it included a humiliated Krystal being the brunt of jokes!  So what's the problem, right? The problem is that the writers made all of my jokes for me! There is no way to discuss the following in a creative manner, or add a humorous spin on things. This show has taken away characters that I love, the concept of good writing and now my livelihood. Bastards.

I Just...I Can't...What the...This Is a Terrible Show.

Just so we're clear, this ridiculous excuse for a soap opera wants me to feel sorry for one of its two heroes, because he shot an innocent, unarmed police officer at point-blank range in the chest in an attempt to kill him for doing his job?  That's what's happening on my screen, right?

Yesterday was a fun follow-up to Friday's episode.  As Sonny was helping Olivia hold a towel over the sucking wound in Dante's chest caused by SONNY TRYING TO MURDER HIM:

Sonny:  How could you do this, Olivia?  How could you let this happen?

"That was so irresponsible when you started talking like Dirty Harry and then shot our kid!  That was you, right?  I'm sure it was."

And then everything was "my son" this and "my son" that.  Nauseating.  Are we supposed to believe Sonny is in shock and is therefore behaving completely insanely?  Or is this a continuation of the "Sonny is a fantastic father" meme we've been subjected to for the last decade?  I think you know which option I lean towards.

Sonny to Dante:  You gotta understand; this would not have happened if I knew.  We're a lot alike, in a lot of ways...

"...I mean sure, I have fewer gaping chest wounds, but we both have wavy hair and like the Yankees!"

My New Favorite Sentence

Or should I say new favorite sentences? Yes, it's true, The Young and the Restless brought pure joy to my life in just two lines.

Before today's episode, the undisputed highlight of the past few weeks (this could be interpreted as faint praise of the highest order) was:

The role of Tucker McCall is now being played by Stephen Nichols.

 
I may have a reputation as a resident of Horseville (Population: Naysayers), but it turns out that all it takes to put a goofy smile on my face is twelve words announcing Stephen Nichols's return to daytime. It is good to have him back on-screen, no? I am so looking forward to seeing more of him with Jess Walton and Jeanne Cooper, and even Eric Braeden (mostly for the unintentional LOLs).

And then, in today's show, Sharon let loose with a few choice words to Phyllis:

Sharon: How many times has Victor insulted Nick or cast him aside when something just displeased him? And you knew that Victor was wrong, only now because it's Adam, you think Victor's right.

Phyllis: No, no. Adam totally went off the deep end completely, and there is a reason. And I want to know why.

Sharon: Why are you even involved? Oh, wait, I know. You just can't keep your nose out of my life. You know what? You need to back off, Bitch.

 
It wasn't the most vicious soap confrontation I've ever seen, but I have been so eagerly hoping for someone to say something nasty to Phyllis that I will take it however mildly I can get it, even with the knowledge that Sharon is completely in the dark about all of Adam's misdeeds and Phyllis is right that he's nuts, because Phyllis is just that annoying. I love Phyllis and Michelle Stafford, but it's getting to the point that I'm tempted to change the channel whenever I see her.