Would An "Easy Rider" Joke Be Too Vulgar?
My afternoon commute consists mainly of listening to terrible music at an inappropriately high volume, keeping an eye out for state troopers who lurk at the random intervals where the speed limit changes from 40 to 55 in the blink of an eye and reciting my to-do list out loud. The last is probably not necessary, since I have a to-do list written (in multiple places, at that) and since it garners a side-eye from other drivers, but it's just what I do, and anyway, on the way home today, as I was going through my list and got to the "write about All My Children" part, I let out a shriek of panic because I was convinced that I hadn't watched any episodes this week since I could not remember any of them and, to be perfectly honest, the idea of watching three hours in a row of AMC was just something I was not mentally prepared to deal with at the time.
Anyway, long story long and run-on-sentencey, it turns out that I had watched all of All My Children this week. I just didn't remember any of it, because...well, because nothing actually happened. Aside from Ryan and Erica Ryan and Ericaing, which I fast forward through as if my life depended on it (and it kind of does depend on it, because if I were eating something whilst watching them, I could choke and then die!), and Greenlee being back to her old, devious tricks there is nothing going on worth noting and certainly nothing going on that would qualify as entertaining or soapy.
But I was determined to write about AMC and as I watched today's show, I crossed my fingers that there would be something mock-worthy. And there was. Oh, goodness, how there was. And it included a humiliated Krystal being the brunt of jokes! So what's the problem, right? The problem is that the writers made all of my jokes for me! There is no way to discuss the following in a creative manner, or add a humorous spin on things. This show has taken away characters that I love, the concept of good writing and now my livelihood. Bastards.
How can I make the subject of Krystal straining a muscle in her neck thanks to sex with her (creepy) boyfriend, who sprained his penis, any more amusing than it inherently is? How can I make jokes about her when she IS the joke?!
Tad: How did you hurt Krystal?
Rob, with more menace than the situation called for, but I don't think it was an acting choice, it may just be how he is, facially: I didn't hurt her. Leave me the hell alone.
Tad: Oh my god, what did he do to you?
Krystal: He didn't do anything to me. It was the damn bed.
Tad: What's this about a bed?
Krystal: Rob has this really great apartment. You know, very modern, lots of levels, loft up top...
Krystal: Low railing, high bed.
Tad: So you got this falling out of a bed. And what about you, huh? Pull a muscle, too?
Rob, still creepily and now also ashamed that his penis is going to be the topic of conversation: ...
Tad: OW! Oh, my...ow.
Rob: You have no idea.
Tad: You poor bastard. What do they...put a splint on you?...gives new meaning to the phrase "falling for a guy". So, who came out on top?
All I have come up with are half-hearted quips about workplace injuries. I am disturbed by how long the show lingered on this topic, and by how long I have just been thinking about it.
Also in Pine Valley:
- The show is now being filmed in HD! Chrishell Stause looks sickeningly good in high-def, and the sets look much better and fresher.
- Sara Bibel at Deep Soap has a truly awesome interview with Jennifer Bassey, who pulls no punches when it comes to the different writing staffs AMC has had in recent years and the dumb decisions they all made.
- Jake continues to be unhealthily obsessed with David who, yes, is a life ruiner of the highest order, but Amanda made the wise observation (a sentence I thought I'd never type again), "We finally got everything we ever wanted", which is so true and then Jake was immediately like, "But DAVID EXISTS AND IS BREATHING AIR. David David David? David! David."
- Marissa got to showcase "anger", which was a mix between her usual blank pleasantness and blank mild irritation.
- Greenlee got her revenge on Erica for...well, for you know what, by wiping out the Fusion computer system, which led Erica to confront the nefarious evil-doer via a press conference saying, "If you want to fight, fine, I'll take you down one way or the other, but I intend to look you in the eye while I'm doing it", which is hilarious because (A) they are the only two people in the cast who can see eye to eye, on account of being tiny and (B) Erica talks a big game, because when she realizes that a back from the dead munchkin did this, she will probably be more speechless and horrified than feisty.
- Greenlee caused a fire when she threw her remote control angrily, and Ryan, coming to Wildwind to irritate people in a new location, heard the fire alarm go off and made a hilarious face that was very much, "I smell smoke. And when there's smoke..wait, wait, I know this one. When there's smoke there's...tomato?" I must find a clip of this immediately.