Serial Drama

Much Like Ricky Martin, I Must Share My Truth

General Hospital with its criminal trials...I just cannot deal anymore.  The preceding sentence is not my aforementioned truth, but it's related.

Judge Carroll:  What just took place in this courtroom was a mockery of jurisprudence, an open and egregious assault on the rule of law.  And I hold all the participants equally responsible.

How very meta.

There is something I have not shared with you, faithful readers, through our years together.  Something I didn't feel comfortable opening up about, because of the way society tends to judge people like me.  The jokes, the scorn -- in some circles they are unrelenting.  People question my choice, my direction, the peers I surround myself with.  It's often all too much to bear.  But propelled by the last few episodes of General Hospital, I am empowered to tell you the truth about my real life.  It's something some of you may have suspected based on my prior rants, but I wasn't ready to be fully honest with you back then, in the dark days of the mid- to late-aughts.  So here goes.

I am....a lawyer.

::deep breath::

In fact, I used to be a criminal prosecutor.

::deeper breath::

And I watch General Hospital.  I'm sure you understand why I am therefore convinced that this show is going to kill me, via rage-induced aneurysm. 

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

I spent much of today's All My Children completely disoriented: what the hell time was it in Pine Valley with all of these things going on? Was it the middle of the night? Was it the crack of dawn? And if so, why was half the town all gussied up and functioning, and why was the other half strolling around the Chandler mansion in bathrobes?! SO CONFUSED. Not helping my confusion was the fact that, when the episode began, I had just woken up from an impromptu nap myself and had no idea what day it was (cue Andy Dwyer's "I'm suuuper bad at days") (If you are not watching Parks and Recreation, you should be! Don't let the lackluster first season scare you away from what is one of the best sitcoms on TV!) (Do you think there is any way that I could classify the NBC Thursday night lineup and How I Met Your Mother as soaps so that I can discus them here?) (How many parenthetical notations are too many for a tiny sentence?).

But once I realized that it was Tuesday and could think clearly again, I found myself watching an episode of All My Childrenthat wasn't wholly bad and, indeed, contained some moments that were genuinely good and seriously entertaining, alongside the bizarre and irritating moments that have become synonymous with present-day AMC.

Let's start with the good, and I think we all know where I am going to go with this one, because I have been super vocal in my fondness for this pairing and am toeing the crazy line: David + Greenlee + Declaration of love = !!!!!!<33333!!!!!

It's funny--not "ha ha" funny, but "Oh my effing goodness, Charles Pratt seriously set fire to everything good and enjoyable about AMC" funny--that, not too long ago, I was actively hoping for David Hayward's death. I hoped for Adam to be the one to do him in, maybe with his bare hands, and possibly displaying his body on the walls of the mansion as a warning for anyone willing to tangle with a Chandler. I hated him, is what I'm saying. These writers, though, have done a spectacular job* of going back to basics and rediscovering what used to be so great about David and have made him not merely tolerable, but enjoyable, to the point where I am rooting for this romance, hard, even though I know it will only end with my tears.

*This is not to say that this writing staff is perfect, because, seriously, the average episode of this show is so soul-crushingly boring that I am horrified to even contemplate what it is like to spend time with the writers in a social situation. I feel like they are the type of people who spend a lot of time at parties talking about how moist the cake is.

Even though I will inevitably be disappointed, do you blame me for getting swept up in this? Vincent Irizarry and Rebecca Budig are SO GOOD together. I keep saying that, I know, but it's true. The way he ruefully smiled at Greens (who looked prettier than ever and was wearing a seriously killer coat) and pledged his love to her? So good.

David: This is something you can trust: I'm a heartless bastard. I am cold, I am cruel.
Greenlee: Not to me.
David: Any woman that I've ever felt anything for, I don't only just hurt them, I decimate their loves. And I'm not going to do that to you?
Greenlee: What, exactly, do you feel for me?
David: Greenlee, please stop pushing.
Greenlee: Say it! Are we friends? Are we more, are we less? Do you love me like a sister, like a distant cousin?
David: All right, damn it. Yes. Yes! I love you, okay? I love you so much it's scaring the hell out of me, and that's why it has to end, right now. Because if it doesn't, god help us both. That's your cue to turn and run for the hills.
Greenlee: I'm not going anywhere.
David: Whatever you feel for me, Greenlee, gratitude, affection...it doesn't come close to how I feel for you, and that kind of love, it crushes people that I don't intend to hurt. I'm not going to do this, Greenlee. I swore to protect you and am going to keep this promise, okay? Even if it means to protect you from me. So please, help me do that.
Greenlee: You've been nothing but kind and gentle to me.
David: Damn it, Greenlee. I need you to do this. All right? Whatever you feel for me, or think that you feel for me, you have to promise me not to say you love me again, unless you mean it. If that day ever comes, I give you my promise that i will fight to be the man who deserves you love, until the day I die.

I mean, really, people, I'm not made of stone! This show has deprived me of a good, old-fashioned soap romance for so long. Like, what, am I supposed to be swept away by the great love of JR and Marissa?!

The One With Brand New Information

I wouldn't blame you for watching today's episode and thinking to yourself, "Why am I re-living old episodes of General Hospital? What the hell is happening to me and how can I make it stop?!" before calling 911 in distress for what seems to be the beginning of a nervous breakdown. Or, if you're not prone to a potent combination of melodrama and hypochondria, assuming that ABC aired a repeat for some reason.

After all, today saw:

Sonny having a violent outburst of anger and taking it out on his stemware

The appearance of a beloved legacy character...as a ghost, because the writers killed them off for absolutely no reason

Maxie and Spinelli reiterating that they love each other

Maxie: I want to go back. I want to go back right this second. No bad boy will love me as much as Spinelli does. I would be a fool to leave him.

The fundamentals of the American justice system being set on fire because the GH writers can't bother to Google "What does a jury do?"

But no, it was not a rerun or a psychotic episode. It was just a rehash of a rehash of a rehash.

Let's start out with the positives...erm, positive.

Little in this ever-changing world in which we live is consistent, but I can reliably be counted on for a good-old fashioned rant come Emmy nomination time, and then again at the Emmys and (depending on the Emmy results) after the Emmys, about Tony Geary's endless nominations, and why has "good acting" become synonymous with "cheesy mugging" and what on earth does this man have to do to NOT get nominated for an Emmy, and I usually throw in a "Please ban this man from ever giving another 'telling it like it is' and 'edgy' interview and the character of Luke" tangent, because once you get me started on certain topics, I will literally not stop talking until I run out of air/will literally not stop typing until my fingers are sore.

That was a roundabout way (and surprisingly negative, since it's supposed to lead into a positive) of saying that I often have problems with Tony Geary's performances, but when he puts his mind to it and takes the acting equivalent of an appetite suppressant, he is capable of being truly, subtly good, and Luke and Kristina's scenes today were a sterling example of that.

Kristina: Ethan said if I were a little more mature, he'd be a happy man.

Luke: He said that to you?

Kristina: To you, at the Haunted Star. That's why I got dressed up, to look more mature.

Luke: Well, I'm sure there was more to the conversation than that. But that doesn't matter now. You misunderstood.

Kristina: I thought I looked grown up in that dress. And Ethan's so cool and... I thought I understood what he really wanted even if he couldn't tell me. It sounds ridiculous.

Luke: No, it doesn't. Not at all.

Kristina: I thought he'd be happy that I broke his date with Jennifer, that I was letting him off the hook or something. But... I was totally wrong and I made him mad.

Luke: Well, he shouldn't have yelled at you. And he shouldn't have lost his temper. He shouldn't have grabbed you.

Kristina: I threw a drink at him.

Luke: Well, of course, but he-- you know, he should have just walked away. There's no excuse for his getting rough.

Kristina: He scared me.

Luke: Whoever did this to you has done it before, haven't they? Kristina, I grew up with a father who beat me. Every day. He also beat my sister and my mother. I know what it's like to be scared. Helpless. And I know what it's like to protect the person who hurt you the most.

So, so good. Luke was so gentle with and respectful of Kristina, TG was great and Lexi Ainsworth continues to do an impressive job of giving it her all even when her characterization veers wildly from day to day.

Alas, What Could've Been (Etc.)

The last few episodes of One Life to Live have been somewhat... blah.  Maybe it's just the calm after the storm, or it's just not a sweeps month, but watching Gigi and Rex talk in circles and watching Roxy try to get rid of someone while not letting on that she's under duress and watching about 35 things almost happen -- none of that is my idea of a good time.  But do you know what is my idea of a good time?

Kim and Dorian.

How perfect was it that Kim was saying to Dead Stacey that she'd never have another friend like her in a million years and then Dorian awesomely entered immediately?  If we weren't losing Kim, I'd take it either way: a Dorian/Kim friendship or a Dorian/Kim rivalry.  Either one would be epic.  They could be a mentor/protege pairing and trade fashion and gold-digging tips!  Or we could have the Battle of the Bitchy Brown-eyed Brunettes!

In other wistful news, we are now short one Gannon, as Tuesday was Rachel's last day on the show (or at least the latest Rachel's last day), which means we will never get a Rachel/Schuyler pairing.  Their last scene together was a bit hilarious, with Schuyler at his most twitchy, eye-darting extreme and Rachel being all, "Huh, I guess if you say nothing's wrong, whatevs!  I have an ex-boyfriend right here in Llanview that no one's ever heard of who I'm going to take back to Chicago to put into rehab 'cause we all know there's no effective rehab facility here in the totally non-addiction-prone Northeast!  Peace out, I'll be back in a few... or never!"  Perhaps she'll go join some other folks who left town for a bit... Antonio?

Soap Blog Coalition

The Bold and the Beautiful celebrated its 23rd anniversary on March 23. Check out photos from the cast's on-set celebration! (Daytime Confidential)

In their latest Soap Opera Digest column, the Serial Drama girls wish that the put-upon heroines on Days of Our Lives would take the wailing and crying down a notch or six, and try to explain how very wrong GH's "Sonny shoots Dante" story is (perhaps unsurprisingly, they had a hard time cutting this part down to 500 family friendly words). (Serial Drama)

Mary Montanari hates to see As the World Turns end, but isn't sure if at this point the writers can do it justice given the time frame they have to scribe happy endings before the world as we have known and loved it stops spinning. (Soap Opera Examiner)

In Which Patrick Drake Preaches to the Choir

Obviously, Patrick and I are completely sympatico when it comes to calling Sonny Corinthos out for being (to borrow a phrase from Port Charles's Australian punching bag) a "cop-shooting son of a bitch", since people act like that's some sort of personality flaw and not, you know, a felony, but amidst all of his truth-telling today, he showed today that on top of being honest and a brilliant surgeon, he also has the most beautiful imagination.

Patrick: If this was the last 24 hours of our lives, I would not want to talk about Sonny...

Does he dream big or does he dream big?! That's the most glorious vision of a perfect day! No Sonny for 24 hours! It's a pity Patrick moved to Port Charles after 1993, which is the last time on record that the entire town didn't eat, drink, sleep and breathe Sonny Corinthos.

The Sonny-centric nature of the show has been at a fever pitch in recent days, as we're watching Sonny deal with the fallout of something horrible happening to him (his daughter getting beaten) and put up with the massive inconvenience of standing trial for something he didn't do, and we're also hearing everybody talk about both of those things and how they impact Sonny and poor Sonny has the hardest life, and "Oh, Sonny, it's a Sonny Day, Sonny! Sonny!" and I am...peeved. 

Peeved that, for instance, the writers can't think of any way to organically give Patrick and Robin angst, so they've hit them with the "Ex-girlfriend who has no boundaries"-"I hate Sonny/You shouldn't hate Sonny because he was awesome once" double whammy and have no idea how to proceed from there, so they've decided to just give them the same conversation over, and over.

Robin: Right. I mean, you won't take into account that whole, you know, heartless mobster image that the media tries to portray. And you're an intelligent person, so you can  recognize that nobody is just one thing and that even though a man is deeply flawed, it doesn't mean he isn't capable of also  caring about people very deeply or that he's guilty of every single little thing they throw at him. I mean, if anyone's tried  to sway this jury, it's the media, and I just want you and the other jurors to treat Sonny as a real person.

The show has still not come around to my idea of having people interject "He shot a cop in the chest!" during conversations in which Sonny is discussed in glowing terms. Come on, how much better would that last sentence have been if someone turned it into "to treat Sonny as a real person who shot a cop in the chest!" MUCH better.

Robin: Look, I know Sonny has made mistakes. And I don't-- I don't make excuses for them.

You...don't?

Patrick: People in Sonny's world, they get hurt. They die. It's not a coincidence.

Robin: Don't exaggerate.

That's...not exaggerating. See? Her blind spot for Sonny is robbing me of my ability to speak in full sentences!

While I instinctively roll my eyes at the Sonny propping and am inclined to take Patrick's Sonny-hating side (were I, you know, forced to take sides in an ongoing, poorly written argument between two fictional characters), it doesn't make his one-track mind any less irritating. How can he lecture Robin about not trying to sway a juror when he pretty much did the same thing yesterday? And while I am asking questions, can someone explain to me why this show is so staunchly committed to making me hate every single character on the show, save for Cameron?

Please Tell Me I'm Wrong

A handful of scenes on today's episode of All My Children made my blood run cold and led my already pessimistic brain to jump to the worst possible of all scenarios. On the one hand, I'd probably have a happier life if I didn't automatically assume that everything was going to end horribly, but on the other hand, I've seen AMC before and have been burned so many times before that assuming the worst is actually setting the bar a little too high for these writers.

So while I am bracing myself for the worst, I'd like someone to pat me on the head and tell me that these things probably won't happen. And you should take advantage of this opportunity now, because I generally do not take being wrong gracefully and am the kind of person who only recognizes her wrongness when forced to do so!

Here is what I worry about:

• A Liza/Tad/Marian redux, in the form of Liza/Damon/Colby: I feel dirty for even putting that into the universe, but I worry! Yes, it would be hugely disturbing if they went down this road, but I sometimes think that "hugely disturbing" is what the writers aspire to. And I don't think that they could resist the urge to do this story, especially since Damon is Tad's son! It is all I could think about during the scenes at ConFusion where Liza had drinks with Damon, who is "underage" and have no idea what actually went on, but even paying half attention, I could tell that Tad was being self righteous and Liza was being needy.
• My eyesight: am I going blind, or does Finn Wittrock (how totally soap is that name?) look...not so much like a teenager? I realize that I am a hopelessly catty person for even asking that in a public forum, but come on!
• Jesse Hubbard: I don't want to hate Jesse. I don't want to live in a world where hating Jesse Hubbard is even a remote possibility! How has that thought even crossed my mind?!

Greenlee: Where do you get off using me as bait to smoke out David?
Jesse: Where do I get off? None of my business, young lady!

STOP IT, JESSE! STOP THE SMUGNESS!

• Rylee: Well, I always worry about the impending reunion of Ryan and Greenlee. I have no idea when it will happen, but I know that it's out there, looming somewhere in the future, waiting to strike at the most inopportune time. And so help me, if we get subtle foreshadowing about Greenlee and Ryan and their true love like this every day:

Jesse: I'm sure the love of your life is going to walk through that door and save your pretty little ass.
Ryan: ::Walks in the door::

(Get it? Because Ryan is the "love of Greenlee's life" in the eyes of this show, and not a demon spawn created for the express purpose of driving the majority of the AMC viewing population mad with rage and hatred)

I'll start taking hostages. I'll do it, I don't care!

Oh, and Ryan?

Madison: So what about you? Ever think of testing the dating waters again?
Ryan: Oh, no. Not anymore. There's only one woman for me.

When has there EVER only been one woman for Ryan? He moves onto a new true love before...well, I was going to make a joke and say "before the first love's body was even cold" but that really isn't a joke, because it's pretty much exactly what happened when Greenlee died and it's not "Haha" funny so much as it is "I wish I were blind and deaf".

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

Thanks to a promotional campaign that saw GENERAL HOSPITAL advertised on every possible channel, pretty much everyone I know saw the ads touting the soapy excitement of Sonny shooting his own son. All of them questioned the wisdom in explicitly spelling out a plot twist like that, and the ones who are familiar with GH questioned how Sonny could possibly come out of this situation smelling like a rose. One friend asked if Maurice Benard was leaving the show, and if a prison sentence would be Sonny’s exit story. I actually laughed at her, which I admit was rude, but how patently hilarious is that? Sonny, in jail! Too funny. When I tried to explain this to her, and all I could offer was a lame, “He won’t go to jail because he’s Sonny and, jail would be…bad for him? And he’s good? Even though he shot an unarmed cop in the chest,” I started to realize that the joke was on me.

Like so many things on this show (the return of Helena Cassadine, the character of Matt Hunter—he’s still a thing, right?), this story actually could have been really good.  All of the major players are capable of giving us powerhouse performances, especially Dominic Zamprogna (whose awesomeness I cannot overstate) and Lisa LoCicero (who plays the fiercely protective mother role to perfection).  On top of that, Sonny shooting Dante had storyline implications for almost everybody on canvas: Sonny, Olivia, Dante, Lulu, Jax, Carly.  Even the poor souls at the hospital were guaranteed a few cameo appearances while tending to Dante!

Why Can't I Have Nice Things?

When I am accused of being an angry, bitter, rage-filled person who has a wholly irrational hatred for everything she encounters in life, which happens quite often, I always try to point out that there are some things that I DO like, and that I am vocal about my like for those things, and that those things make me happy, and my utter joy at SORASing Michael and casting Drew Garrett in the role is one of those things. I have mentioned it, like, a lot, both here and in our Soap Opera Digest column.

(Um, listing it that way makes me feel creepy and ashamed of myself...)

Well, at any rate, General Hospital just went ahead and made my list of happy-making soap things shrink down to three, because Drew Garrett is out, and someone named Chad Duell is in, and I am left staring quizzically at my computer screen. It's all so confusing, especially because it seems to have happened so damn fast! Perhaps because of the aforementioned bitterness and all, my mind immediately jumps to a gossipy place that I know nothing about, so I won't even hazard a guess about what happened and will simply say: What the WHAT?

Dumb and Dumber

There were two staggeringly silly moments on Friday's episode of General Hospital, which I am just getting around to watching now because I didn't want to taint a gorgeous Friday and Saturday with the goings-on in Port Charles, but Sunday nights and their proximity to a surely awful Monday morning, can't be made any worse.

(Although I should admit that the majority of the show, bolstered by across the board strong performances, hasn't been so terrible--Lexi Ainsworth has been fantastic, Nancy Lee Grahn always is and even Maurice Benard put some effort in--so I am just being completely disagreeable and persnickety by focusing on the silliness) 

1.) There are many, MANY reasons why another General Hospital trial storyline is a horrible idea.

For starters, trials in Port Charles are completely overdone, which I guess is a direct effect of centering the show around criminals. Secondly, we already know how this current trial is going to end: with vindication for Sonny, egg on Jax's face and probably a romp between Sonny and the previously icy Claire. How "suspenseful!" I resent having to watch this story eat airtime as it creeps slowly to its inevitable conclusion.

But the biggest reason that another General Hospital trial story is a horrible idea: the writers either don't know or don't care what the eff they're doing when it comes to depicting the American legal system. As far as I'm concerned, both options are equally plausible; the writers demonstrate a staggering incompetence at everything they do, and a similarly profound disdain for the intelligence of their audience, so we're once again (again! We bitch about this repeatedly, to the point where we probably shouldn't make any more comments about this show's repetitiveness, because that would hypocritical, and while I have no problem being hypercritical, hypocrisy makes me feel bad about myself) stuck with a story filled with factual errors that are obvious to everyone who's ever seen Law & Order, or Night Court.

Coleman: I don't want to serve on a jury, you don't want me on this one. Let's just say, uh, I'm very tolerant of the wrongly accused. Because some of my best friends have been wrongly accused.  Because I don't want to see any of my wrongly accused friends go to prison.  How you doin', guy? I have no respect for the law.

I mean, really? I understand the desire to have Coleman be present for his uniquely skeevy brand of comic relief, but it would make a hell of a lot more sense just to have Coleman stroll into the middle of random scenes and make a vaguely dirty quip unrelated to the scene at hand and stroll back out.

2.) SHOCKING.

Carly: Here's where the situation is different-- you and Adele had no one. Deke had all the power. He was the iron fist. He was the cop. If you would have told anybody about what was going on, they wouldn't have believed you, and that was if you were inclined to talk, and you never would have. He kept you isolated so he could control you. Kristina's not alone, Sonny. She has a number of strong female role models. She has Alexis, Sam, Diane. She has me.

No, I'm not shocked that Carly included herself in a list of positive female role models in Kristina's life because I'm sure she experiences chronic pain in her arm for constantly patting herself on the back. I AM, however, shocked that she actually included Alexis on that list!