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« Our Column in the 3/23 Issue of Soap Opera Digest | Main | Dumb and Dumber »

March 20, 2010

It's Not Easy Being Green(s)

You'd never know it, based on the coverage it's received on the blog lately, but All My Children is still being televised. Yup. It's on five days a week, for an hour a day, and over the course of five hours, it provides the world with, at most, ten notable moments. The rest of it...does anything even happen? Stuff must happen, right? Even though my fast-forwarding, I'd probably notice if the show was mostly dead air.

What I am trying to say is that this show is hella boring, with a few notable exceptions. And most of the exceptions involve Greenlee and David, both together and separately. The show has really stumbled onto something completely fantastic with these two (I use the word "stumbled" because, even though the current writing staff is lightyears ahead of Charles Pratt, I still have a hard time believing that they put thought into anything they do and envision their planning process more along the lines of "You know whats-her-face and whats-his-name? What if they talked a lot?", which is why we wind up with things like Madison and Ryan bonding), but I don't have high hopes for the future of their story, since the new headwriters told SOAPNet:

We were lucky enough to come in when she was coming back. Look for a lot more of Greenlee going head-to-head with Erica. I think what's really going to be interesting is that we know that Ryan and Greenlee are hugely popular, but I think the journey for them to get back together is going to be really fun to watch because David is now in the mix.


But, you know, it's possible that, like people so often say, I am being a miserable pessimist and that I am prematurely worrying for naught and that maybe I should just appreciate things while I have them, so:

Greenlee and Erica sparring is juvenile, ridiculous and poorly written (why would Jack agree to any of this lunacy?) and yet it's immensely entertaining. That could just be because the rest of the show is so freaking dull that anything that doesn't make me fall asleep mid-episode can be qualified as entertaining, or it could be that Rebecca Budig and Susan Lucci are fantastic together. We'll go with the latter, since I am in a charitable mood.

(Not charitable enough to pretend that Greenlee's commercial fantasy was anything but ludicrous, but still, pretty charitable).

And Vincent Irizarry made me actually laugh out loud in Friday's episode when he was lurking in the Chandler mansion tunnels, as you do, and heard Annie losing what's left of her daffy mind and plotting aloud to Scott and growing ever-more hysterical. The look of rapt interest on his face was amazing, like he was just completely delighted by the trainwreck. And then he actually mouthed "Wow!" and I experienced AMC-related giddiness for the first time in a long time.

(Although I'm not so giddy that I can watch Adam and David scenes together and forget that David is responsible for Adam killing Stuart, because everything about that story still irks me).

(It's probably not a good sign for this show that my moments of enjoyment were both tarnished with unpleasantness. It's also probably not a good sign for this show that the number of enjoyable moments on this show can be described with the word "both").

David tried to explain to Adam that Annie is crazy and conniving and, bless his heart, Adam continued to not have any of it.

David: While you were at the hospital, there was a lot going on around here.
Adam: And just what are you talking about?
David: I'm talking about your young, sexy, two-faced wife.
Adam: Don't you dare malign Annie that way.
David: As your physician, I have an obligation to be honest.

"Don't you dare malign Annie that way" is such an Adam thing to say, and it reminded me how much I am going to miss David Canary when he's gone (I seriously think I'm going to be a wreck when that happens). He's on his way out and he's receiving some pretty shoddy writing, and yet he still brings it so reliably.

His scenes with JR made me cry, because I am having allergy problems and am also a sucker.

Adam: Angie says I don't need a mask.
JR: So what are you doing all the way over there?
Adam: I don't know, I forgot. You're going to be okay!

So sweet.

The show's ending was less sweet and more "Sa-weeeeeet". I mean, I know that the follow up will either be lame or non-existent, but seriously, this was amusing:

JR: Rule number one, you tell me the truth. About everything.
Annie: Why do you always accuse me of lying?
JR: Because you always do. About my father, about wanting his money and now he's telling me that you told him that you did me some huge favor. What kind of a load is that?
Annie: I don't know what you're talking about.
JR: Come on, don't be modest. He said it was amazing. Amaze me.
Annie: You know what? You always make me out to be this horrible person. I am a good person. I am a giving, caring, generous person. Especially to you. I DID do something amazing.
JR: Okay, spit it out.
Annie: No, why should I? You'd just keep hating me anyways.
JR: We're never going to know if you don't give it up. Come on, what's the big deal?
Annie: If you only knew.
JR: So tell me! I knew it. Another lie.
Annie: I saved your life. (At JR's hysterical laughter) Stop laughing!
JR: I can't help it! It's too good.
Annie: Listen to me, you ungrateful little brat. I was your bone marrow donor. If it wasn't for me, you'd be dead.

The rest of the show...? Yeah. I'm not so much with the caring.

  • What could have been a genuinely touching moment between Liza and Colby was marred by (a) the ridiculousness of these two playing mother and daughter. Sisters with a big age gap? Sure. Parent/child? No way, no how and also (b) who has this conversation at ConFusion?!

Colby: Am I damaged goods?
Liza: What? No.
Colby: Because you kidnapped me when I was a kid from my dad. That didn't do any damage?
Liza: Why are you bringing this up? You're nothing like Damon?
Colby: I stole cars. I got busted for underage drinking. I crashed a yacht. You want to know what I did on that yacht, Mom? I got drunk and I had sex and yeah, I thought I was pregnant. Where were you? Where were you any better than Damon's parents are to him? What's wrong, Mom? You can dish it out, but you can't take it? You can't stand to hear that your kid is a loser, too?

I'm so glad that profound conversation was accompanied by a pop song!

  • Oh, Angie.

Angie: We don't do special favors at this hospital, Mr. Miller.

Angie, literally every moment of screentime you've had of late has been doing special favors for people.

  • I am trying to think of something less interesting than Tad and Krystal and Liza, and Liza being jealous of Krystal, and Krystal being awfully smug about Liza's prior bad deeds (which, hi, you fucking sold your baby, you fucking southern fried horror show), and I am coming up with...televised bowling and that's pretty much it.
  • Ryan purchasing the casino is a total ugh.
  • There was serious secondhand embarrassment when Liza was apologizing to Tad and then she randomly turned all seductive and he broke off the hug and tried to let her down gently with "You're a terrific girl". I may have actually said "Awk-ward!" to my TV.
  • Damon being Tad's son is such lazy writing, and does not make any sort of sense in terms of the actual AMC timeline that viewers actually saw, and he's so useless on top of all of that, but I have to admit that he has his moments. They are few and far between, but they are there;

Damon: I finish my community service and then what? My band broke up...
Damon: I'm into music and hot girls, but I don't think those kind of jobs are steady, or even real.

What about you, dear readers? Do you forget this show as soon as the episode is over?


WTF was Madison wearing while describing her commercial pitch? Seriously? Does wardrobe hate Stephanie Gatschet?

I'm enjoying David/Greenlee, but I'm scared of the Return of Rylee and that's what sticks with me, not the actual show.

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