Serial Drama

It's Not Easy Being Green(s)

You'd never know it, based on the coverage it's received on the blog lately, but All My Children is still being televised. Yup. It's on five days a week, for an hour a day, and over the course of five hours, it provides the world with, at most, ten notable moments. The rest of it...does anything even happen? Stuff must happen, right? Even though my fast-forwarding, I'd probably notice if the show was mostly dead air.

What I am trying to say is that this show is hella boring, with a few notable exceptions. And most of the exceptions involve Greenlee and David, both together and separately. The show has really stumbled onto something completely fantastic with these two (I use the word "stumbled" because, even though the current writing staff is lightyears ahead of Charles Pratt, I still have a hard time believing that they put thought into anything they do and envision their planning process more along the lines of "You know whats-her-face and whats-his-name? What if they talked a lot?", which is why we wind up with things like Madison and Ryan bonding), but I don't have high hopes for the future of their story, since the new headwriters told SOAPNet:

We were lucky enough to come in when she was coming back. Look for a lot more of Greenlee going head-to-head with Erica. I think what's really going to be interesting is that we know that Ryan and Greenlee are hugely popular, but I think the journey for them to get back together is going to be really fun to watch because David is now in the mix.

BREAKING NEWS: ALIENS TAKE OVER AS AMC WRITING STAFF, DESCRIBE RYLEE AS "HUGELY POPULAR", FOREVER DILUTING THE MEANING OF BOTH WORLDS AND ENSURING THAT I WILL BE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF VIEWING THEIR WRITING WITH AN OPEN MIND AND ALSO MAKING MY HEAD EXPLODE.

But, you know, it's possible that, like people so often say, I am being a miserable pessimist and that I am prematurely worrying for naught and that maybe I should just appreciate things while I have them, so:

Greenlee and Erica sparring is juvenile, ridiculous and poorly written (why would Jack agree to any of this lunacy?) and yet it's immensely entertaining. That could just be because the rest of the show is so freaking dull that anything that doesn't make me fall asleep mid-episode can be qualified as entertaining, or it could be that Rebecca Budig and Susan Lucci are fantastic together. We'll go with the latter, since I am in a charitable mood.

(Not charitable enough to pretend that Greenlee's commercial fantasy was anything but ludicrous, but still, pretty charitable).

And Vincent Irizarry made me actually laugh out loud in Friday's episode when he was lurking in the Chandler mansion tunnels, as you do, and heard Annie losing what's left of her daffy mind and plotting aloud to Scott and growing ever-more hysterical. The look of rapt interest on his face was amazing, like he was just completely delighted by the trainwreck. And then he actually mouthed "Wow!" and I experienced AMC-related giddiness for the first time in a long time.

(Although I'm not so giddy that I can watch Adam and David scenes together and forget that David is responsible for Adam killing Stuart, because everything about that story still irks me).

(It's probably not a good sign for this show that my moments of enjoyment were both tarnished with unpleasantness. It's also probably not a good sign for this show that the number of enjoyable moments on this show can be described with the word "both").

Our Column in the 3/23 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

So, it turns out that we are pretty terrible at PR! Our latest My Take/My Take, Too column appears in the March 23rd issue of Soap Opera Digest, which has been on sale this week and which got to subscribers even before that. We'd have realized this sooner if our copies hadn't been at the bottom of the large mail stacks we let pile up, under junk mail and multiple copies of Us Weekly (seriously, can someone explain that rag's fixation on The Bachelor?!).

At any rate, this month, Mallory decided to do what so many "bad" mobsters have done: taken on Sonny Corinthos, asking how in the world this tool is still the show's hero after shooting Dante in the chest (we know, we know, he didn't know it was his son! That makes it okay!). Becca, meanwhile, wonders who set Days of Our Lives's drama-meter up to eleven. Between Carly, Melanie and Sami, it's all over-the-top shrieking and crying all the time.

Also in this issue: an interview with Alicia Minshew, and photos of her daughter Willow who is just the cutest ever. Ever!

Soap Blog Coalition

In his first podcast interview since being kished to the curb. One Life to Live's Brett Claywell talks with Daytime Confidential.com's Luke Kerr, Jamey Giddens and Jillian Bowe on the heels of his shocking firing. Hear it at Daytime Confidential. (Daytime Confidential)

The PVB continues it's quest to make the TPTB at All My Children notice that Carmen Thomas-Paris is ready to return to as Tad's first love Hillary Wilson. Check out what Carmen's been up to lately! (Pine Valley Bulletin)

Maybe the fiasco at the Abbott cabin involving a "jury" "convicting" Adam of his crimes wasn't the most ridiculous thing the Serial Drama girls have ever seen, but it's certainly runner-up. (Serial Drama)

As the World Turns' Henry and Barbara seem to have seamlessly found a comfortable groove on many levels while hanging out together that goes well beyond the intensely satisfying sexual chemistry they clearly share under the sheets. (Soap Opera Examiner)
 
Sunday Surgery Wub Tub Blog: Broadway Cares news with Tony Geary, Save Kish on One Life to Live and other News of the Week. Soaps Ahoy! (Wubs)

"Remember When We All Used To Laugh Together?" No, Liz. I Don't.

poll by twiigs.com

Where Bad Becomes Worse

Today is just a TERRIBLE day, and, yes, the all-caps is necessary convey just how truly terrible it has been (not to be that person who invites everyone she knows to her pity party, but it's rainy and gross, and I lost an hour of sleep thanks to Daylight Savings and I spent an extremely unfortunate forty minutes of time having zero control over a room full of first graders, and "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" is inexplicably stuck in my head! How can one person bear such a burden?!)

As I sat in terrible rain, in terrible traffic, I asked myself, "What could make this day even more awful?", which was dumb, because as long as Bob Guza is its headwriter, the answer to that question will always be "The latest episode of General Hospital".

Today's show, for example, gave us the slow-motion beating of a teenage girl, complete with closeups of her terrified face! That's exactly what I want to see when I turn on a show for escapist entertainment.

(Okay, that last sentence was a lie, because I don't even remember the last time I watched GH for "entertainment" rather than out of obligation.)

I suppose I should be grateful that this brutal attack wasn't accompanied by the romantic music played alongside most acts of violence on this show. I guess that soundtrack is reserved for instances where Sonny and Jason are the aggressors...

Secrets and Lies

It was the episode of The Young and the Restless that people have been waiting for, for ages: Adam continued to be confronted with all of his lies and schemes, Ashley heard that she had a hysterical pregnancy and Sharon realized that Ashley's Faith is actually Sharon's faith. So it was action-packed AND educational, because I learned three really important things.

1.) Sharon Case needs a deep-conditioning treatment in a major way.

 
2.) Josh Morrow has an astonishing number of facial expressions that fall under the umbrella description "Caveman Face"

 
3.) This show can be kind of ridiculous.

Let's take a look at Friday's episode, shall we?

The action opens at the Abbott cabin, where all of the show's major players have convened to try and convict Adam for his various crimes and misdemeanors. That's not my being descriptive: Jack actually referred to them as Adam's jury and then went around polling them about his guilt or innocence, and I would have rolled my eyes a lot of I hadn't already rolled them so hard that I was nearly paralyzed at the sight of Victor's leather jacket.

It doesn't quite surpass Robin Scorpio's hideous plaid coat as my least favorite piece of soap clothing, but it's up there. You'd think it impossible for Victor Newman to look like more of a pompous tool, and he tugs that jacket on and pairs it with high waisted jeans, and then you realize that there is no limit to how pompously toolish he is.

Where was I? Oh, right, Jack and his jury.

Jack: We all know the evidence, Adam. You manipulated Heather to have your prison sentence reduced. Then when you were at the ranch pretending to be blind under house arrest, you set out to undermine Ashley's sanity to get back at Victor, or to get back at me. You made Estella your scapegoat, and then when Rafe, her nephew, started asking questions, you made a mockery of his sexuality to get him off the trail. You misled Nikki. You all but surely sicced the S.E.C. on Victoria. You married Sharon to stick it to Nick, and now you won't tell them where their child is. Am I leaving anyone out, Adam?

Billy: This bastard hurt my sister. That's enough for me.

Jack: You know what? I think we ought to poll the jury.

First of all, this entire scene was just silly. Secondly, "You misled Nikki"? Really? That's so bad that she gets a vote in this ludicrous experiment? Please.

And then they all went around pronouncing him guilty, like this was a real thing! I was shocked and horrified, and I found it highly unrealistic that Adam just silently pondered how to get himself out of this situation and didn't burst out laughing at how insane they all were. I mean, really, Nikki?

Nikki: I think Adam Wilson is the single most corrupt person I have ever met. Guilty.

The most corrupt person ever? Woman, you've married Victor and spoken to Gloria. Adam's not the most corrupt person you've interacted with in the last hour.

Victor: And I add my condemnation to that list.

Shut the hell up, you cankerous old prune.

How to Sink a Precarious Ship in a Few Easy Steps (or, Rip Out My Heart and Step On It, Why Don't You?)

I imagine this is hardly news to anyone who keeps up with soap press, but we One Life to Live fans have been dealt the following blows in the last couple of weeks:

 

1. Daphnee Duplaix (Rachel) was let go.

2. Amanda Setton (Kim) put in her notice.

3. Scott Clifton (Schuyler) was let go.

4. Scott Evans (Fish) and Brett Claywell (Kyle) are being let go, or at least their storyline is being written off the show (some reports indicate that Evans will be kept around for an occasional appearance in police-related storylines).

My reaction to News #1 was confusion and sadness -- this is a legacy character with ties to tons of the canvas and the daughter of Nora Buchanan!  I don't get it.  If they felt like her love story had flopped, why get rid of her and not him?

My reaction to News #2 was a little messier because there was no confusion, just despair.  Kim has been one of the most refreshing and hilarious characters we've had since we met Roxy, and I found the chemistry between Kim and Clint to be surprisingly awesome.  This was the decision of the actress, though, and I don't think this is an appropriate case for a recast.  But I will miss that stripper bitch, and I hate having to watch Clint get let down yet again to accommodate her departure!

Soap Blog Coalition

As the World Turns' Terri Colombino and One Life to Live's Bree Williamson and David Gregory popped up at the 25th Annual Starlight Children's Foundation Gala on March 4 at the Marriott Marquis to help shed light on a worthy cause. Check out photos from the event. (Daytime Confidential)

In the spirit of ABC's "Rediscover" campaign, we've put together our own... Rediscover Hillary! With the reveal this week that Damon is actually the son of Hillary Wilson, one of Tad's former loves, this is the time to get to know her. Also the PVB is appealing to fans to get Carmen Thomas-Paris back in the role she created. (Pine Valley Bulletin)

The only thing in the world more pleasing to the ear than Olivia's righteously angry smackdown of Sonny would be the sentence "Breaking News: Bob Guza Fired!" But since we'll probably never get the hear the latter, the Serial Drama girls will just play (and re-play) the former when they need a pick-me-up. (Serial Drama)

If The Bold and the Beautiful's Steffy does just one thing right, she will convince the new owners to change the FC name from 'Forrester Creations' to 'Freakish Creations" or something because in my mind, that is the only way the buying public will ever be able to relate to these wretched retailers. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Wub Tub Sunday Surgery explores March General Hospital spoilers including the Keifer drama, newbies coming to Port Charles and some great tweets from your fave stars. (Wubs)

Ridiculosity

It's really difficult for a person to slog through a large number of All My Childrenepisodes stored on his/her DVR* when they need to pause the show every few seconds as they burst into a peal of laughter (which probably isn't a "laugh" so much as it is a "cross between a squawk and a cackle") at the downright silly things that happen on this show.

• Like...

  Annie: I knew it! You didn't come back for Tempo, you came back for Adam. You want him!
  Brooke: What?
  Annie: Everybody knows you don't need the money! You don't need the job! But husbands, husbands are hard to find, especially at your age and you are after mine!

  I love Melissa Claire Egan and Julia Barr (I'm beginning to think that the only people who don't love Julia Barr are the All My Children powers-that-be...) and this scene just reinforced my fangirlish glee over the two of them. When MCE screeched the words, "Adam doesn't need you, he has me! Adam is MINE! You can't HAVE HIM!", a piece of dialogue so ludicrous that it seems to have been lifted directly from a parody of a soap, and didn't stumble over her lines with laughter or cry tears of shame, I found myself really rooting for her to take home this year's supporting actress Emmy, because that is some talent. And Julia Barr deserves some credit as well for not breaking the fourth wall and asking the audience, "The fuck is this shit? Is this what I came back for?".

• Or...

  Ryan Lavery, showing off his finely honed stalking skills, plans to monitor Greenlee's whereabouts by hiding his cell phone on her and tracking the GPS. This in and of itself is not ridiculous; it's creepy and off-putting, yes, but that's the realm where Ryan excels. What IS ridiculous is how impressed Erica and Jake were with this brilliant plan (I seriously worry for fictional patients in this fictional town who go to the fictional hospital where Jake works). And what's even MORE ridiculous is that he has this cunning plan and then DOESN'T TURN THE RINGER ON HIS CELL PHONE OFF, WHAT THE HELL?!

• Well, pretty much everything about this

  

  Including, but not limited to: Angel Dixie having Bryce Dallas Howard's hair; Angel Dixie having awful jeans; AMC believing that heaven is where you go for extreme makeovers (remember the last time Angel Dixie came to town with enhanced cleavage?).

• And also...

  JR, in heaven, having a vision of Babe (whose face was artfully blurred. Probably so they didn't have to bring back either Alexa Havins or Amanda Baker, but maybe also so they didn't turn anybody's stomach) and rushing over to declare his love to her again:

  JR: BABE! Babe! That's Babe, isn't it?
  ::Babe literally slams the door in his face as he runs to her. Literally, I am not making that up. It happened and it was hilarious::
  JR, not taking the hint: That was Babe! That was just the way I saw her on the pier in San Diego, just the way I remembered. Oh, I wasted so many days, so much time when she was alive. God, I loved her so much.

*Thank you all again, so much, for your patience while I get back into the swing of things after a very difficult week last week, and I'm sorry for the driveby posting. I will either be completely caught up by tomorrow or be driven to attack my television with a blunt object after prolonged exposure to soaps on ABC.

Awesome Writer For President!

I know that donating money online is always a risky proposition, especially when you don't know the person collecting the money, and you technically don't know me know me, even though you've been reading my frothing at the mouth rants for some time and have learned some bizarre factoids about myself that I, for some reason, feel compelled to share during said frothing at the mouth rants, but I swear, I am totally trustworthy and, besides, it's for a good cause: The Support The Now Certainly Unemployed Awesome Writer Cause, since there is no way today's episode aired and Awesome Writer managed to emerge unscathed, because seriously. SERIOUSLY.

While I know Awesome Writer is the type of person to land on his/her feet--after all, Awesome Writer has some amazing ingenuity. I wonder what circumstances led to this episode even being written and filmed! My guess is either flattery ("Hey, is that Steve Burton I see over there? Oh, Bob Guza, it's you! Wow, sorry for that mistake!") or living out the wish of millions of General Hospital viewers and clubbing Guza over the head with something--I still worry. Unemployment is no fun, and I don't want to come across a poor soul on the side of the road holding a sign that says "Will write awesomely scathing, Sonny-hating dialogue for food". Which brings me back to collecting money for a worthy cause. We can wear t-shirts! Or maybe buttons!

Olivia: You know what? I thank god every day that your freakin' filthy life never touched my kid. Ok? And if that makes you sad and makes you upset, then that's just too damn bad, Sonny, 'cause there were people in our neighborhood, people that would have helped you, could have helped you. My family, the Cerullos. You didn't want that. You didn't want that life. You wanted to work for Joe Scully and be a big  man, a fancy guy. You got it.  Ok? You made it happen. Congratulations. But you can't buy me now, and you can't buy  my son, so you take your money and your attitude and your "poor me, I didn't get any time with my son" and you get your sorry ass out of here.

Sonny: You think you just know everything, don't you?

Olivia: You know what I know? I know that every man you ever shot was somebody's son. This time it was yours.

Would it make the (at best) unemployed Awesome Writer--I shudder to think of what the "at worst" would be!--feel any better to know that Sonny and Olivia's exchange there pleased me so much that I vowed not to complain about Olivia for at least a week (which is high praise) and ignore how the show has been trying to sell Olivia as being all "Sonny's guilt is the worst punishment of all!" and not nearly as righteously angry as she should be (I figure if the show can ignore its own continuity, so can I) and I maybe sort of did this:

Yes, I know that Olivia will suddenly reverse her opinion tomorrow, and that her smackdown will have no impact on Sonny other than making him mope around even more feeling sorry for himself and that Awesome Writer will be homeless and unemployed because of a paltry three seconds of brilliance, but...I am so starved for moments like this that I will take whatever I can get, and I will enjoy it, and watch it on repeat. Watching part of GH multiple times: who would have guessed that could ever happen?!