What This Show Lacks In Quality, It Makes Up For With Hilarious Facial Expressions
Sometimes, I write General Hospital off as completely terrible, with no redeeming qualities at all. And then Sonny and Jax will be having a heated confrontation, and Maurice Benard will make this face
and I'll have to revise my opinion and state that General Hospital is mostly, not completely, terrible because genuine entertainment is genuine entertainment, even if it is both fleeting and unintentional.
What brought on that almost cartoonish portrayal of anger, you ask? Actually, you don't ask that, because you know that Sonny is always angry and have ceased to care about the reasons behind the anger, but if you had asked that, I would tell you it was because he and Jax had one of the "You're the worst person in the world/No, you are" arguments that they've been having for well over a decade.
Sonny: You're a coward, okay? Admit it! Own up to what you did!
Jax: I'd be glad to.
Sonny: You're not defending your family. It's your chance to get back at me.
Jax: Oh. yeah, I hate to break it to you but I don't care how you end up. All I want is for my family to be safe.
Sonny: What about my family? You knew the truth about Dante, didn't say a word. You let the investigation continue knowing it could ruin everybody's life. And what about Michael? You say you love him. You risked his sanity and his freedom blaming me for what he did.
Jax: No, Sonny, it was your idea to cover up Claudia's murder. That's the secret that's going to ruin the kid's life.
Sonny:The only reason you're breathin' is because you're married to Carly. When are you going to dump this son of a bitch? Because I've waited too long to put an end to this.
Remember that time when we were all grossed out by this show having its hero shoot an unarmed cop in the chest, and the show was all, "You're missing the point! Sonny is a good man!"? I guess threatening to kill people for upsetting him (with the truth) is better than just outright shooting him, so...progress!
When he wasn't busy threatening Jax's life, Sonny was playing the role of the noble father, who makes all sorts of sacrifices for his children (a lot of what he said would have been sweet, if you didn't know anything about these two characters) (Also, it makes me slightly ill whenever Michael says the words "I'm sorry" to Sonny) (And also also, Maurice Benard was furiously blinking throughout this scene. It was like a code of some sort that I wish I could crack) and he told Michael:
Sonny: That's why I'm standing trial. To make amends for what I've done to you. That's what I owe you, as a father.
Um, it doesn't count as a big sacrifice if you were actually planning to leave the country rather than go to jail! Ass.
The Lucky/Elizabeth/Nikolas scenes were also good for some amazing facial expressions, as Liz and Lucky through cutting glares at each other, at Nikolas and at inanimate objects around the room. It was amazing. It makes perfect sense for these two to be furious and cold and angsty. It was in character AND funny.
Nikolas: Look, I want to know who the father is right now, but I feel like I need to show some restraint. So if Lucky's prepared to wait for the test results, so am I.
Lucky: Restraint would be nice.
Later in the episode, after Liz declared that she'd be having the paternity test done right away, Nikolas told Lucky that they'd need to coexist (which I thought they had already been, so whatever, Nik) and SECONDS after they left, Helena slithered into Liz's room. Like, she was obviously close enough to Nikolas and Lucky that they'd be able to smell her perfume (and you know she drenches herself in perfume), but whatever, Liz was sleeping and Helena chuckled evilly about Liz carrying a Cassadine baby. Between the paternity test and Helena's immediate appearance, it seems like we're headed for Helena tampering with the test results, which...would make not one iota of sense for this character. She's all about her bloodline, why would she want a faux Cassadine? Why am I expecting something on this show to make sense? Why do I set myself up for disappointment like this?
When Robin stumbled upon Patrick and Lisa in an almost sitcomishly suggestive position, I rolled my eyes so hard that I may have permanent nerve damage, because I envisioned a huge, terrible misunderstanding, but it turns out that...nothing happened. I'm not saying that I WANT a rift or a breakup, and I do always enjoy sweet Patrick/Robin scenes like the last one that they had today, but the writers manufacture all of this lame, ridiculous drama and then just do nothing with it. "Oh, that? Yeah, never mind about that. It's not important".
Actually, I take that back, there is one element of Scrubs stories that is always important: the part where Patrick was wiiiiiiiiild back in the day before Robin.
Lisa: Is it just me? Whenever Robin appears at the party, Patrick becomes Mr. Dull and Domesticated.
Why this is the one place that the writers decide to honor continuity is beyond me.
Also, Brianna Brown, I say this in the kindest way possible: if you ever get another script that calls for you to pretend to be drunk, do whatever it takes to get the writers to change it, because...today was uncomfortable.
In fairness to Ms. Brown, her attempt to play drunk was not the most uncomfortable part of today's show. No, that was Carly and Jax's random anger sex.
???!!!??? I don't even know what to say. That was Carly's way of reminding Jax what he had to lose...?
The other GH couple who (almost, at any rate) had sex today more than made up for that, though: Dante and Lulu continue to just be so damn good together.
Lulu: Dante! I want to rip your clothes off. But if you have a heart attack from the strain, I'm going to be really traumatized.
Dante: Okay, I'm going to have a heart attack if we don't do it.
LOVE THEM. I'd seriously watch a full show of Dominic Zamprogna and Julie Marie Berman being all sweet and bantery and adorable. I am even resisting my natural urge to be a pessimist, and I'm not even going to wonder how long it will take for the show to screw them up!*
*This is actually less because I love the couple so much and more because I have a feeling that in the time it takes me to wonder that, the ruination will have already started, because that's how GH rolls.
Lastly, I know that people are really enjoying Dahlia Salem as Claire.
I am not one of those people.
I WANT to like her. I do! She wants to put Sonny in jail for forever. What's not to like?
But she irritates the hell out of me. I didn't watch Another World, so I don't know what she was like on that show, but on GH and an episode of Criminal Minds (where she played a ridiculously annoying police officer), she over-enunciates and drives me crazy. And it truly disappoints me that I can't even fully enjoy a character who hates Sonny so much! GH won't let me have anything nice!