"Cop Out" Is The Only Time This Show Doesn't Treat Cop Like a Dirty Word
Before I even put this thought out into the universe: yes. Yes, I have ranted constantly about General Hospital's depiction of the legal system and the ways in which the show bastardizes it (front, back, and sideways) and professional ranter/legal expert Becca has confirmed that the only way Bob Guza could be more ignorant of the US justice system is...I can't even make a clever quip about this, because there's just no way for that to ever happen. So with that in mind, I know it seems crazy, or CAH-RAZY, even, to say these words, but seriously: they are not even going to bother with making Kiefer face legal repercussions for being an abusive horror and his punishment will, instead, be getting mowed down by Alexis?
FIRST OF ALL, how fucking ridiculous. Seriously, why couldn't they have arrested him and written him off by sending him to jail? Why must everyone on this show die? I mean, I don't know for sure that he's going to die, but this IS current day GH, where body bags are seen more often than Patrick and Robin. And how is that as a follow-up to the PSA's they've been running about this story? "Domestic violence is a serious issue...so, um, fingers crossed that your abuser gets hit by a car. Hope it all works out for you!".
SECOND OF ALL, this seems like a punishment for the audience more than anything, since now we're stuck watching Alexis do something bone-headed that Carly and others will now be able to use against her forever, and it's always worse when Carly and others have valid reasons for Alexis bashing, since it's easy to write off her usual, "Alexis is terrible because...she's terrible!"
I hate everything.
Including Maxie. I don't hate her in a love-to-hate her way, and I don't hate her with a twinge of regret for hating Maxie Freaking Jones, who used to be awesome. No, I just spend her time onscreen so annoyed that my inner monologue of "Make her stop talking, make her stop talking, make her stop talking" gets so loud that I can't hear what she's actually saying onscreen, and then I have to rewind and listen again, and then the same inner monologue starts and it's a horrible vicious cycle, and I really need them to either strike her with a serious case of laryngitis, or send her out of town for a long while, because REALLY.
Maxie: Ok, first of all, I don't know anyone named Camille, and how rude are you? Do you think I wear this attire because I am quirky? Do you know what I do for a living?
Claire: Your occupation has nothing to do with these proceedings.
Maxie: I'm in the fashion industry. I'm also a patient at this hospital, which means I'm sick. May I have some more water, please?
She is so annoying that Sonny's outright hatred for her is his most appealing character trait, and I find myself wondering, "Why do I hate him again? Is he really so bad?" whenever he makes a slightly offensive, always outdated remark about her, like the "ditzy broad" incident.
(Don't worry, as soon as the insult is out of his mouth, I usually remember that this isn't his most appealing trait, it's his only appealing trait)
I feel like we were supposed to find this all very funny and quirky, like, "Oh, let's watch that scrappy Maxie outwit the admittedly terrible federal prosecutor", but if that is what GH was aiming for, they failed, as they do so often and so spectacularly.
And Spinelli being annoying goes without saying.
Spinelli: With all due respect, I would not have to sit vigil in the hallway had you not delivered Maximista to testimony hell despite her weakened condition.
Epiphany's misplaced rage and habit of lashing out at everyone she comes into contact with for such infractions as speaking to her, or breathing, frequently annoys me, but I missed it today. Why did she have such a calm, measured reaction to Spinelli? Damn it, Pip!
So, there is a new Quartermaine in town.
There is not much to say about her yet, except that she is stunningly pretty
And that her appearance has given us more Edward, being adorable, overbearing and hilarious.
Maya: Ok, I am so sorry. Let me assure you that I don't want, nor expect any special treatment.
Edward: Well, what good is money if you don't use it to buy influence?
And an old Quartermaine ("Quartermaine"?) is back, too.
Skye had a seriously nice scene with Ethan today, the first part of which was marred by Nathan Parsons' over-reliance on his smirk. I wish someone would take him aside and gently tell him that he plays a character whose existence in and of itself is upsetting to a majority of GH viewers and that the best way to get them to come around on him is to not look like such a douchebag!
Anyway, Skye's coldness made him turn the smug down a notch.
Skye: No one told me you live here.
Ethan: You kidding? Edward would rather burn the place down.
Skye: Oh. Yet you just come and go as you please.
Ethan: Yeah, pretty much. Yeah case no one's mentioned it, my dad lives here.
Skye: Well, you must live under a lucky star.
Ethan: Wrong sibling. That'd be my brother Lucky.
Skye: Aren't you glib.
Ethan: Am I detecting a hint of hostility? I thought we were getting along pretty well.
Skye: Not if you're a pig who beats up on teenage girls.
After that, a smirk-free Parsons gave a really nice performance as Ethan tried to make his case to Skye, who heard him out, and then managed to get a few digs in at Alexis.
Skye: Well, if you've been wrongly accused, then I'm genuinely sorry. But I'm not exactly the most objective eye. Never had any use for Alexis. Think she's a condescending, self-important twit. And Sonny Corinthos is the most self-absorbed person on the planet. I can understand why having parents like those would cause Kristina to act out in dangerous ways. But the person who beat that girl is a monster, and whether it's you or someone else, he needs to pay.
What I took away from all of this is that people should constantly call Ethan names, because it ups Nathan Parsons's performance considerably, and also that we are in for a looooong Alexis-bashing few days/weeks/months/however long this show plans on letting the Alexis/Kiefer story drag on for (I honestly have no idea how long it will last, because this show can never decide if it wants to rush stories or drag them out, but knows either way that it is fully committed to doing them poorly).
Michael: I'm just not used to killing people, you know?
Being a teen is hard enough, but now poor Michael has to deal with the fact that he has one of the lowest body counts in all of Port Charles! That's just going to make him even more insecure. I mean, by the time she was his age, Laura had already killed MULTIPLE people!
I wasn't even going to comment on the Carly, Jason and Sonny scenes, because they were the same things they always are: Carly and Jason worry about Sonny, and Maurice Benard punctuates his sentences with bizarre spaces and stammers, and how often can you describe the same exact thing in new and entertaining ways? But then Sonny said...
Sonny: What do you expect me to do, Carly? Wash my hands of Dante? Shrug it off like, "what the hell? I just found that, you know, he's my son after his mother kept him from me his whole life, you know and I just shot him. No big deal. Too bad." You know, is that what--I don't know. What do you want me to do here?
Um, what? I mean, for one, that transcript doesn't even do it justice, because those brief words took about three and a half hours for Maurice Benard to say. And I thought it wasn't a big deal that Sonny shot Dante, but it actually kind of is? Or is it just a big deal because he's Sonny's son that he didn't know about, and if it were just a random cop, it would go back to not being a big deal and he would wash his hands of him? These writers should just stay away from all attempts at sarcasm, especially with this deep thinker.
Kristina was brutally attacked again and I, unsurprisingly, was tearful and upset, like I always am when things are even vaguely sad. Even more unsurprisingly, Nancy Lee Grahn and Lexi Ainsworth were STELLAR.
This story has had a whole lot of missteps and doesn't focus on Kristina nearly as much as it should (imagine that? Focusing on the girl who was attacked and not the ways that it impacts her father?) but I can't say enough about their performances. They own me.