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« The Fan-Fiction Writes Itself | Main | Soap Blog Coalition »

April 14, 2010

Hell's Bells!

Oh, Constance Towers, how I envy you your exquisite bitchface and ability to rattle off a heartless quip.

A whole lot of stuff happened in Port Charles today, with Jason sacrificing himself for the true love of his life, and Spinelli and Carly fretting about it, and Maxie and Lucky fighting over a lamp. Obviously, none of the stuff that happened was interesting, which is also why I called it "stuff" and not "quality entertainment", but how the hell could I focus on any of it when Helena was acidly making fun of Kiefer's death and Alexis's grammar?

Alexis: What fresh hell is this?

Helena: Oh, still going through menopause? I'm sorry. I'll tread lightly.

Alexis: Good. Why don't you tread somewhere else? My daughter's here and I don't want you to scare her.

Helena: Well, I wouldn't dream of it. And even if I did, what would you do, run me down with your car like some woodland creature and leave me beside the road for the vultures to pick at?

Alexis: Even vultures have standards. They'd let you rot.

Helena: You know, I saw the Bauer boy's picture on the news. Such a handsome doe-eyed youth. Tell me, did he have that same vapid expression when he sailed over your windshield?

Alexis: You know it was an accident.

Helena: Of course. Of course it was an accident. You don't have the fortitude to kill someone on purpose. Well, I should say anyone but me. Whereas if someone had beaten my child, I would have rolled my sports car back and forth over his body till he was a bag of broken bones.

Alexis: I'm shocked. Stay away from my daughter.

Helena: Next time, you might want to leave matters of vengeance to me or even to Sonny. That's not your strength, Alexis. You're too cerebral to truly enjoy violence.

Alexis: I could make an exception in your case.

Helena: Oh, why must you be so hostile?

Alexis: Let's see, you're here to wreak havoc on someone's life. I wonder on who.

Helena: Whom.

I was torn between guffawing, and worrying that it was too tasteless for guffawing. I am not torn about wanting Helena to constantly say horrible things to everyone on canvas, completely randomly. The writers wouldn't even need to figure out a realistic way to shoehorn into certain scenes (not that they ever think about realistic. Or think in general). I'd gladly just accept Helena, like, teleporting into a scene to say something tasteless on a regular basis. It's the one way I'd be consistently delighted about this show.


Word up! I'd love to see the dreamteam of Hells and Anthony Z. They'd be like the 2 old guys from the muppets, and they'd just sit back and mock everyone. :)

Oh Joanne! You have totally given me a new shippage to love! HElena/Anthony would be marvelous!

While I had no problem laughing at that entire exchange I just wish Helena was in town for somethign that was actually worthy of her...as her current "scheme" is so stuck on stupid the real Helena would make fun of whoever came up with the idea!

AZ/Helena would be hellishly heavenly.

Love Helena, and I agree with you, Mal, I wouldn't mind Helena teleporting into any scene just to say something that would make me delight, as this show is empty of delightful moments.

GH should borrow from AMC and have Helena do commentary throughout the show. I mean we know Guza has no issues with stealing ideas of course he would probably have Jason or Sonny give commentary instead of someone the fans want to hear speak.

Cate- GH actually started the commentary...with LLC and DZ discussing the day Sonny shot Dante (that totally wasn't Sonny's fault) so yeah you are totes right about that.

I really need a good explanation as to why a woman who DESPISES the Spencers would want to make Lucky's baby the new Cassadine heir. What the freaking hell have they done to this character????

I think because she will enjoy taking a Spencer away and turning him against his family. Isn't that what she tried to do with Lucky?

Nobody brings out the be(a)st in Helena like Natasha. (or vice versa) Loved it.

I shamelessly guffawed, without worry or reservation. :)

Am I the only one who secretly hopes that Helena will eventually turn out to be Alexis's mother?

(Yes, I suspect I am. Oh, well.)

Well, Mal, at least it's clear you have moral fiber (frayed and stretched as it may be, which is why we love you!), but apparently mine has got a big, gaping hole in it because I LAUGHED - OUT - LOUD at the "sailing over your windshield" comment. Truly. 2:00 a.m., and I thought I'd wake the household.

Was that bad?

Seriously, you need to start some kind of section of the blog dedicated to "How Helena Could Have Improved This Scene!"
You could start with her showing up for the Lucky and Maxie "free at the curb" wacky lamp hijinks. Seriously?

"Oh you Spencers...you always were adept at scouring for scraps with the rest of the rats. That's why I'm not the least bit surprised to see you rooting around with trash like Maxie Jones. I guess a romp with an insipid nitwit like that is just what the doctor ordered after being shown the door by Elizabeth."

POOF! And....she's gone.

Sweet, sweet.............

@Rene: HA! You should definitely chime in with "How Helena Could Have Improved This Scene" in the comments whenever the mood strikes you, because that was excellent. (And I don't even know what scene you're talking about because I haven't watched in months.)

I bow to Constance Towers and Nancy Lee Grahn for finally giving me something worth watching (or at least FFing through Hulu to get to) on GH, and for making Tyler Christopher look like he gives half a toot. Cheers!

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