Oh, Constance Towers, how I envy you your exquisite bitchface and ability to rattle off a heartless quip.
A whole lot of stuff happened in Port Charles today, with Jason sacrificing himself for the true love of his life, and Spinelli and Carly fretting about it, and Maxie and Lucky fighting over a lamp. Obviously, none of the stuff that happened was interesting, which is also why I called it "stuff" and not "quality entertainment", but how the hell could I focus on any of it when Helena was acidly making fun of Kiefer's death and Alexis's grammar?
Alexis: What fresh hell is this?
Helena: Oh, still going through menopause? I'm sorry. I'll tread lightly.
Alexis: Good. Why don't you tread somewhere else? My daughter's here and I don't want you to scare her.
Helena: Well, I wouldn't dream of it. And even if I did, what would you do, run me down with your car like some woodland creature and leave me beside the road for the vultures to pick at?
Alexis: Even vultures have standards. They'd let you rot.
Helena: You know, I saw the Bauer boy's picture on the news. Such a handsome doe-eyed youth. Tell me, did he have that same vapid expression when he sailed over your windshield?
Alexis: You know it was an accident.
Helena: Of course. Of course it was an accident. You don't have the fortitude to kill someone on purpose. Well, I should say anyone but me. Whereas if someone had beaten my child, I would have rolled my sports car back and forth over his body till he was a bag of broken bones.
Alexis: I'm shocked. Stay away from my daughter.
Helena: Next time, you might want to leave matters of vengeance to me or even to Sonny. That's not your strength, Alexis. You're too cerebral to truly enjoy violence.
Alexis: I could make an exception in your case.
Helena: Oh, why must you be so hostile?
Alexis: Let's see, you're here to wreak havoc on someone's life. I wonder on who.
I was torn between guffawing, and worrying that it was too tasteless for guffawing. I am not torn about wanting Helena to constantly say horrible things to everyone on canvas, completely randomly. The writers wouldn't even need to figure out a realistic way to shoehorn into certain scenes (not that they ever think about realistic. Or think in general). I'd gladly just accept Helena, like, teleporting into a scene to say something tasteless on a regular basis. It's the one way I'd be consistently delighted about this show.