I Know Stupid Isn't A Criminal Offense...
...but if it were, Michael would surely wind up in the jail cell next to his father (who has never been put away for his actual and multiple felonies, but maybe dumbness is the thing that would finally put him behind bars, where he would no doubt quake with fear and terror in the corner), his mother and Jason because SERIOUSLY.
The boy who is in hiding traipses from Lulu's to the Quartermaine's, and then moseys through the park before showing up at Alexis's, while Carly and Jason work themselves up into actual fits of hysterics because they can't find him. Have they tried, I don't know, going outside and actually looking for him for five minutes?!?!
Obviously, that's too logical and can't happen just yet because the show has, for whatever reason, decided to let this story play out endlessly and is resorting to an increasing number of contrivances in order to make that happen.
One of those reasons is that Patrick and Robin need some more angst, again!
Robin: I'm so tired of having to defend myself about Sonny. He's a friend of mine, we go way back. It's just... this shouldn't be something that keeps coming up between us.
Patrick: Every time you defend Sonny or make excuses for him, you help perpetuate this violence. So I'm supposed to sympathize with Sonny, a criminal, just because he hasn't shot you or Emma yet?
Robin: You know, obviously that part of my life--the part of my life with Stone, having to watch him die, Sonny helping me...those things mean nothing to you. That's part of who I am. That's made me who I am.
Emma is seriously not having it. Look at her staring into space all, "I swear to god, if if I hear this one more time, I'm hightailing it during the night. You have seriously said these exact sentences before. If I weren't so damn adorable, I'd hate my life."
I need someone to explain to me, slowly and with small words, why the writers have chosen to make SONNY AND HIS FAMILY the centerpiece of Patrick and Robin's story (can you really call it a "story" if it happens randomly, in three minute spurts over the course of a month? Probably not). I'm not saying that a story about a obsessed, stalkerish Lisa with her eyes on Patrick would be good, but there's a (-n admittedly small) chance it could have played out without invoking Sonny's name and I tell you, I long for a story like that. LONG FOR.
And the other of those reasons is that if Michael and Carly reunited this week, the first words out of his mouth wouldn't be "I missed you, Mom" or "I'm sorry for causing all of this trouble". They would be "WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DRESS ARE YOU WEARING?"
And I would be with him on that one because that is some serious ugly.
(Or maybe it's the kind of fashionable ensemble that only strong and courageous mothers wear. Because did you know--and I totally understand if you missed it. The show is way subtle about this--that Carly is strong and brave and a great mother?
Carly: Wow, that's a cute kid. Obviously not yours. Gee, are we having a mid-life crisis? Here's a tip: don't ever become a mother. You don't have at all what it takes.
Claire: You know what? If I am a mother some day, I'm going to be nothing like you?
Carly: What? A strong woman who wants to protect her kids?
Claire: No. No, if you were protecting your kids, you'd help me convict Sonny. I've done more to protect your kids than you ever have.
I'd be able to appreciate Claire's comebacks more, and probably have a better understanding of what went on with Johnny and jury tampering but the dress seriously made it hard to focus.)