Lying Liars Who Lie: A Love Story
As Sonny's (farce of a) trial limps along to its inevitable conclusion, where we'll see Claire, Judge Carroll, the stenographer, and bailiff burst into an elaborate song and dance ode to Sonny's greatness and apologize for ever making him sit through a trial like a normal citizen, there is a lot of treading water as the writers (who are inept under the best of circumstances) try to stretch a short story with a foregone ending into a few week's worth of plot-lines and work to lend some suspense to an inherently un-thrilling situation.
This is why we were given so many scenes last week following Carly while she fretted over whether or not she'd be able to lie effectively on the witness stand, for example. It was ridiculous to spend quite so much time on it--like, isn't it the kind of thing that could easily be wrapped up in one scene? "Oh, boy, the stakes are high. I hope I can do this!" End of!--and it was even more ridiculous--nay, RIDONKULOUS that Carly, of all people, would feel that her lying skills aren't up to snuff. Carly of the paternity lies. Carly of the identity lies. Carly of the stepfather seducing lies. I'd continue listing the many areas of her life in which Carly lied for profit/as part of one of her complex and boneheaded schemes/for funsies, but I'd run out of bandwith. The point of this story is that Carly is a liar, and sitting through her worrying about her lying in endless detail was a severe punishment for...something.
And after all of the needless worrying, homegirl sashayed into that courtroom holding her fat-headed baby* like she hadn't a care in the world.
*I need to stress that this is not an insult, but a compliment! Fat-headed babies rule. I come from a family of fat-headed babies and my own head as a child was legendary. According to my mother, it actually garnered comments from nurses in the hospital, but I like to think that she's just teasing.
She greeted the jury breezily and offered an explanation for the baby on her lap (who Claire was completely mystified and/or disturbed by):
Carly: As a mom, I have to say that I think that Josslyn is what this trial is really about. I mean, she is the one good thing that happened that night, and I do think everyone should meet the baby that Claudia tried to steal. And I hope that you can all agree with me that my precious little girl is worth anything Sonny had to do to save her.
Even though Judge Carroll told her that she couldn't bring Josslyn back in with her, she knew she was off to a great start, throwing Sonny a wink and, during recess, smugging it up.
Sonny: What were you thinking?
Carly: Wasn't Josslyn great? I think she loved being the star of the show.*
Sonny: Did you think the jury was going to see Josslyn on the stand and acquit me on the spot?
Carly: Yeah, something like that.
Sonny: Like the time you took the baseball bat to the five families?
Carly: That almost worked!
Sonny: You almost got us killed. You can't pull these things right now. It's not, it's--it's--it's--too--you can't. It's my life on the line.**
Carly: Did you see the prosecutor? Claire was beside herself. I think she's got freaky baby issues.***
Sonny: Every time you pull one of these stunts, somebody ends up in jail. That could be me.
Carly: Don't pick a fight with the one person who has your future in their hands. I know what I'm doing. You're going to thank me later.
**I tried my best to transcribe the line exactly as it was spoken, but I think it may have included more pauses and stammers
***Sadly, Crazypants was completely right on that one. Claire's visible disgust with Josslyn went far past "This baby is in here as a ploy" and seriously did seem to hint at unresolved issues with being a cold, childless career woman which, if explored further, I am sure that these writers will examine with their usual grace.
Sonny, for his part, responded to this potent combination of boldness and delusion with a hilarious, "I'm fucking going to jail" face.
He was equally amusing when he told Diane:
Sonny: Carly's got a plan and that's never good.
Agreeing with or being entertained by Sonny always makes me wonder if I've time-traveled back to 1996 and I get all woozy and lightheaded, and confused about why this Justin Bieber creature is on the radio and not the Spice Girls.
To the surprise of people who haven't watched an episode of this show before, Carly's testimony went over beautifully, with dramatic flourishes and emotional moments.
Carly: If Sonny hadn't done what he did, my baby and I would not have survived, and for that I thank you.
Carly: Claudia's death was an accident and I swear it. I swear it on my daughter's life.
Get it? Because this is the one part of her testimony that was actually true! Oh, the cleverness of this writing staff never fails to make me invent new and exciting combinations of swear words...
I know that I made this joke on Facebook already, but seriously, Ronnie always makes me think of the episode of The Office where Creed dyes his hair with an ink cartridge.
The hair situation is fake and terrible, is what I'm saying. There may have been genuinely good moments between Jax and Ronnie and Michael, but I was sooo distracted by the hair.
The fallout from Kiefer's death continues, with Kristina crying, and his father raging. Now, I did not watch Guiding Light, except for a brief Soap Opera Digest experiment, so for all I know, Bradley Cole could have been the world's greatest actor on that show. All I can say now is that, given a character with absolutely zero layers or personality aside from "rich asshole", he is shockingly over-the-top and somewhat embarrassing to watch, with the way he blusters and adds unnecessary emphasis to certain syllables.
Warren: And NOW. NOW KIEfer is the VIctim of this POSthumous camPaign...
Warren: Put yourselF in my position MIZ Davis. Imagine that I ACCidenTally ran down your DAUghter and I didn't stoP and I didn't call for helP and I didn't call 911and then I stooD next to you and WATCHed Kristina as she Passed away, knowing that I WAS reSPONsible, that I leFT her out there on a road to die.
He berated Alexis for the bulk of the episode, but when the oldest of Alexis's tiny daughters dropped by the PCPD and overheard his last outburst, she reacted like she often does: with a punch. I mean, she did tell Kristina (in a very nice scene) where her strengths lie.
Kristina: Kiefer wasn't an evil person. He did a lot of great things. Look at this memorial to him. He had good friends. Real friends! And yeah, he was a jerk to me, sometimes, but we were really happy sometimes too.
Sam: You need to stop romanticizing Kiefer.
Kristina: I'm not romanticizing. It's right there.
Sam: Look. I know you don't want ot hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway: you are going to have to take responsibility for making a choice to stay in a relationship with a guy who hit you, because if not, you're going to wind up doing it all over again.
Kristina: I can't think about that right now. I miss Kiefer, and I'm scared for mom.
Sam: I know. Okay? Don't worry about Mom. I'm not a lawyer, but one thing I do know is how to deal with a guy like Kiefer's dad.
(I love how teenage girls Kristina was here. "He wasn't evil! He had FRIENDS!" Like, okay, you're right! He wasn't evil at all because of his...friends)
She deals with a guy like Kiefer's dad violently, is the point I am trying to make.
Warren: I'm going to make sure that the whole world knows that you are a murderer and that your daughter Kristina is nothing but a promiscuous little tramp who got beat up because she was asking for it.
There are some potentially interesting elements to this whole story, but...let's be real, GH stumbles onto "interesting" completely accidentally, and it's much easier for them to just do shorthand "B is for Bauer, and also for Bad, so, um, we'll go with that".
The theme of violence continued elsewhere, which is unsurprising, since this IS GH we are talking about. First, there was Jason's violent hatred of Dante.
Jason: Yeah, I know what a subpoena is, traitor.
The loathing in that sentence was some of the finest acting Steve Burton has done on this show in ages! But all of the effort in the world on his part is not enough to best Dante, who blasted Sonny for not taking the plea deal.
Jason: Don't blame Sonny because you're choosing to hurt your brothers.
Dante: I'm hurting my brothers? You and Sonny hurt my brothers every single day by living the way you do.
Dante then spoke to Morgan and Molly about how to deal with Warren Bauer's threats against Alexis and cited conflict of interest for why he can't really do anything to help, as if "conflict of interest" is an actual thing in this town! But anyway, Morgan was disappointed that Dante couldn't help. Molly, though, knew someone who could, and did something that made her father, in Los Angeles somewhere, feel a series of shivers run down his spine, not knowing why, but instinctively guessing that it has something to do with Jason.
Jason: Uh, Molly. This restaurant isn't a good place for you to be.
Molly: I know, and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't important.
Jason: Okay, what do you need?
Molly: I thought Kiefer Bauer was the most romantic guy ever. I thought Kristina was so lucky to be dating him and that she didn't appreciate him. I was wrong.
Jason: A lot of people were wrong about Kiefer.
Molly: Kiefer's father wants revenge, except he says it's justice. He says that Kristina lied about Kiefer beating her and that my mom should spend seven years in prison. I'm scared for my mom and Kristina, and me. So I'm asking you to please stop Mr. Bauer. Technically, my mother did break the law by driving away after she hit Kiefer.
Jason: Okay, why do you want me to get involved?
Molly: Well, Dante said there's no way he can get Mr. Bauer to stop, because it's free speech to say that my mom belongs in prison. I understand as a cop that Dante does have to follow the law, but you don't. Mr. Bauer is really hurting my mom and Kristina, and I want you to stop him.
Jason: Uh. Are you asking me to kill Kiefer's father?
What the fuck is this show you guys, seriously?