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« Our Column in the 4/20 Issue of Soap Opera Digest | Main | Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column »

April 19, 2010

Lying Liars Who Lie: A Love Story

As Sonny's (farce of a) trial limps along to its inevitable conclusion, where we'll see Claire, Judge Carroll, the stenographer, and bailiff burst into an elaborate song and dance ode to Sonny's greatness and apologize for ever making him sit through a trial like a normal citizen, there is a lot of treading water as the writers (who are inept under the best of circumstances) try to stretch a short story with a foregone ending into a few week's worth of plot-lines and work to lend some suspense to an inherently un-thrilling situation.

This is why we were given so many scenes last week following Carly while she fretted over whether or not she'd be able to lie effectively on the witness stand, for example. It was ridiculous to spend quite so much time on it--like, isn't it the kind of thing that could easily be wrapped up in one scene? "Oh, boy, the stakes are high. I hope I can do this!" End of!--and it was even more ridiculous--nay, RIDONKULOUS that Carly, of all people, would feel that her lying skills aren't up to snuff. Carly of the paternity lies. Carly of the identity lies. Carly of the stepfather seducing lies. I'd continue listing the many areas of her life in which Carly lied for profit/as part of one of her complex and boneheaded schemes/for funsies, but I'd run out of bandwith. The point of this story is that Carly is a liar, and sitting through her worrying about her lying in endless detail was a severe punishment for...something.

And after all of the needless worrying, homegirl sashayed into that courtroom holding her fat-headed baby* like she hadn't a care in the world.


*I need to stress that this is not an insult, but a compliment! Fat-headed babies rule. I come from a family of fat-headed babies and my own head as a child was legendary. According to my mother, it actually garnered comments from nurses in the hospital, but I like to think that she's just teasing.

She greeted the jury breezily and offered an explanation for the baby on her lap (who Claire was completely mystified and/or disturbed by):

Carly: As a mom, I have to say that I think that Josslyn is what this trial is really about. I mean, she is the one good thing that happened that night, and I do think everyone should meet the baby that Claudia tried to steal. And I hope that you can all agree with me that my precious little girl is worth anything Sonny had to do to save her.

Even though Judge Carroll told her that she couldn't bring Josslyn back in with her, she knew she was off to a great start, throwing Sonny a wink and, during recess, smugging it up.


Sonny: What were you thinking?
Carly: Wasn't Josslyn great? I think she loved being the star of the show.*
Sonny: Did you think the jury was going to see Josslyn on the stand and acquit me on the spot?
Carly: Yeah, something like that.
Sonny: Like the time you took the baseball bat to the five families?
Carly: That almost worked!
Sonny: You almost got us killed. You can't pull these things right now. It's not, it's--it's--it's--too--you can't. It's my life on the line.**
Carly: Did you see the prosecutor? Claire was beside herself. I think she's got freaky baby issues.***
Sonny: Every time you pull one of these stunts, somebody ends up in jail. That could be me.
Carly: Don't pick a fight with the one person who has your future in their hands. I know what I'm doing. You're going to thank me later.

*Bitch crazy

**I tried my best to transcribe the line exactly as it was spoken, but I think it may have included more pauses and stammers

***Sadly, Crazypants was completely right on that one. Claire's visible disgust with Josslyn went far past "This baby is in here as a ploy" and seriously did seem to hint at unresolved issues with being a cold, childless career woman which, if explored further, I am sure that these writers will examine with their usual grace.

Sonny, for his part, responded to this potent combination of boldness and delusion with a hilarious, "I'm fucking going to jail" face.


He was equally amusing when he told Diane:

Sonny: Carly's got a plan and that's never good.

Agreeing with or being entertained by Sonny always makes me wonder if I've time-traveled back to 1996 and I get all woozy and lightheaded, and confused about why this Justin Bieber creature is on the radio and not the Spice Girls.

To the surprise of people who haven't watched an episode of this show before, Carly's testimony went over beautifully, with dramatic flourishes and emotional moments.

Carly: If Sonny hadn't done what he did, my baby and I would not have survived, and for that I thank you.

Carly: Claudia's death was an accident and I swear it. I swear it on my daughter's life.

Get it? Because this is the one part of her testimony that was actually true! Oh, the cleverness of this writing staff never fails to make me invent new and exciting combinations of swear words...


I know that I made this joke on Facebook already, but seriously, Ronnie always makes me think of the episode of The Office where Creed dyes his hair with an ink cartridge.


The hair situation is fake and terrible, is what I'm saying. There may have been genuinely good moments between Jax and Ronnie and Michael, but I was sooo distracted by the hair.


The fallout from Kiefer's death continues, with Kristina crying, and his father raging. Now, I did not watch Guiding Light, except for a brief Soap Opera Digest experiment, so for all I know, Bradley Cole could have been the world's greatest actor on that show. All I can say now is that, given a character with absolutely zero layers or personality aside from "rich asshole", he is shockingly over-the-top and somewhat embarrassing to watch, with the way he blusters and adds unnecessary emphasis to certain syllables.


Warren: And NOW. NOW KIEfer is the VIctim of this POSthumous camPaign...
Warren: Put yourselF in my position MIZ Davis. Imagine that I ACCidenTally ran down your DAUghter and I didn't stoP and I didn't call for helP and I didn't call 911and then I stooD next to you and WATCHed Kristina as she Passed away, knowing that I WAS reSPONsible, that I leFT her out there on a road to die.

He berated Alexis for the bulk of the episode, but when the oldest of Alexis's tiny daughters dropped by the PCPD and overheard his last outburst, she reacted like she often does: with a punch. I mean, she did tell Kristina (in a very nice scene) where her strengths lie.

Kristina: Kiefer wasn't an evil person. He did a lot of great things. Look at this memorial to him. He had good friends. Real friends! And yeah, he was a jerk to me, sometimes, but we were really happy sometimes too.
Sam: You need to stop romanticizing Kiefer.
Kristina: I'm not romanticizing. It's right there.
Sam: Look. I know you don't want ot hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway: you are going to have to take responsibility for making a choice to stay in a relationship with a guy who hit you, because if not, you're going to wind up doing it all over again.
Kristina: I can't think about that right now. I miss Kiefer, and I'm scared for mom.
Sam: I know. Okay? Don't worry about Mom. I'm not a lawyer, but one thing I do know is how to deal with a guy like Kiefer's dad.

(I love how teenage girls Kristina was here. "He wasn't evil! He had FRIENDS!" Like, okay, you're right! He wasn't evil at all because of his...friends)

She deals with a guy like Kiefer's dad violently, is the point I am trying to make.

Warren: I'm going to make sure that the whole world knows that you are a murderer and that your daughter Kristina is nothing but a promiscuous little tramp who got beat up because she was asking for it.
Sam: Sampunch

There are some potentially interesting elements to this whole story, but...let's be real, GH stumbles onto "interesting" completely accidentally, and it's much easier for them to just do shorthand "B is for Bauer, and also for Bad, so, um, we'll go with that".


The theme of violence continued elsewhere, which is unsurprising, since this IS GH we are talking about. First, there was Jason's violent hatred of Dante.

Jason: Yeah, I know what a subpoena is, traitor.

The loathing in that sentence was some of the finest acting Steve Burton has done on this show in ages! But all of the effort in the world on his part is not enough to best Dante, who blasted Sonny for not taking the plea deal.

Jason: Don't blame Sonny because you're choosing to hurt your brothers.
Dante: I'm hurting my brothers? You and Sonny hurt my brothers every single day by living the way you do.

Dante then spoke to Morgan and Molly about how to deal with Warren Bauer's threats against Alexis and cited conflict of interest for why he can't really do anything to help, as if "conflict of interest" is an actual thing in this town! But anyway, Morgan was disappointed that Dante couldn't help. Molly, though, knew someone who could, and did something that made her father, in Los Angeles somewhere, feel a series of shivers run down his spine, not knowing why, but instinctively guessing that it has something to do with Jason.


Jason: Uh, Molly. This restaurant isn't a good place for you to be.
Molly: I know, and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't important.
Jason: Okay, what do you need?
Molly: I thought Kiefer Bauer was the most romantic guy ever. I thought Kristina was so lucky to be dating him and that she didn't appreciate him. I was wrong.
Jason: A lot of people were wrong about Kiefer.
Molly: Kiefer's father wants revenge, except he says it's justice. He says that Kristina lied about Kiefer beating her and that my mom should spend seven years in prison. I'm scared for my mom and Kristina, and me. So I'm asking you to please stop Mr. Bauer. Technically, my mother did break the law by driving away after she hit Kiefer.
Jason: Okay, why do you want me to get involved?
Molly: Well, Dante said there's no way he can get Mr. Bauer to stop, because it's free speech to say that my mom belongs in prison. I understand as a cop that Dante does have to follow the law, but you don't. Mr. Bauer is really hurting my mom and Kristina, and I want you to stop him.
Jason: Uh. Are you asking me to kill Kiefer's father?

What the fuck is this show you guys, seriously?


Obviously, there are countless reasons why this show should not have been chosen for an anti-violence storyline but the thing that's bugging me the most at the moment is the way women being violent is portrayed as being completely acceptable. Olivia hitting Sonny is endearing, Sam beating up Ethan is not even worthy of an apology and now the way to deal with Mr Bauer is a smack to the face because he deserves it (never mind that you don't believe violence is ever acceptable, huh Sam?)

I'm not sure whether it's Judge Carroll's accent or his way of speaking or his blatant ignorance of the law but every time he opens his mouth I want to put my fingers in my ears and say "nah nah nah, not listening!"

As for the ludicrous Molly and Jason scene... don't even get me started! We're meant to believe that intelligent little Molly who has the (mostly) sensible Alexis as a mother doesn't know that everyone is supposed to follow the law?

Gah. This show.

Your last sentence says it all. What the fuck is wrong with these people? An 11 year old girl ordering a hit?!? I give up on any hope of this show ever changing. It only gets worse and worse.

Jason. Sonny. Barf.

That is all.

Every time this show sinks to a new level beneath toxic pond scum I wonder why the hell nobody @ ABCDaytime, Disney, GH DCFS, or the FCC doesn't step in and make some serious changes. Then sadly I realize we Serial Drama fans are pretty much the only ones still watching this steaming volcano ash cloud from hell! More people watch the sexy guy who mows my lawn. And unless I invite them over they have to climb a fence to catch a glimpse of Mr. Mows in Sexy Jeans.

Was it supposed to be clever or surprising that Carly used Josslyn as a prop to free a mob boss? Hardly. In true Guza warped thinking it was just Carly being Carly, a vile greedy vengeful woman who uses her kids to get whatever she wants then dumps them on nannies who have to die for the honor of raising Corinthos children. Even more disgusting is how Carly is portrayed as a "super Mom/Woman" for all her deplorable behavior. Even Diane now thinks Carly is just the greatest. WTF!

And I don't buy bobble head Claire's wonderment and disbelief over Josslyn's birth tale of woe. Do your research missy. Sonny shot her in the head last time she delivered a baby in the biggest storm ever! Puhlease.

All the smirking, winking, and smugness in reality would work against anyone in court. Jurors hate that shit. SO DO I!!! And this judge, is more of a circus ring leader than an officer of the court. Guza must have some serious hatred of the police and the legal system because nothing else explains how terrible & poorly crafted GH has become.

And lastly for today's utterly awful episode we have Molly ordering a hit. HER FIRST, awwww how cute. It's like GH's version of a Bar Mitzvah or Quinceanera. NOT!

Look, I get Guza is giving SB an attempt at new material by testing how far Jason will go now. Now that St Jasus sees how he is largely to blame for everything awful in town as well as in his life, Sonny's life, Carly's life, all his exes lives, the shrinking ozone and Michael and his many siblings (some yet to be discovered no doubt) lives. Franco has slowed down his killing roll a bit as has Michael's life being utter misery. All makes St Jasus sad and reflective. Jason was even ready to go to prison to ONCE AGAIN to cover Sonny's ass etc... WHICH NEVER WORKS. Blinky still doesn't get that, nobody on GH does, except maybe Alexis who actually turned herself in this time, BRAVO Ms. Davis!!!

So will Molly's request finally shake some sense into Jason and get him to make better non mob choices? Nope.

If Josslyn kills a kid on a play date over a plush toy will that make Jason see how he Sonny and Carly have ruined these kids lives for the ridiculous $honor$ of the Corinthos Morgan Mob? Nope.

Will I ever be able to give up on this ridiculous shambles that was once GH? I hope so. Life is short, I need to stop wasting my entertainment time on something that is not only far from entertaining but actively upsetting. I have the real world for that.

PS I love fat headed babies too. Spencer was once a fat headed baby, at his christening. That baby actually looked like TC, so cute. Since then Spencer has been a baby, a toddler, a preteen and now once again a young child about 5? I can't keep track, poor Spencer, at least now he has Grandma Helena to entertain him in that gloomy haunted house.

Well I had started to watch GH again during the whole Dante is an undercover cop and hates Sonny even when he learns Sonny is his father story, but the minute he decided to lie for Sonny I knew the plot had taken its inevitable, obnoxious turn down the alley of Everyone Loves Sonny, The Lovable Mobster of Port Charles.

I'm SO glad I stopped watching because if I had actually watched that last scene where Molly apparently asks Jason to get rid of someone I may have suffered some kind of rage-fueled attack, and I really couldn't deal with that (what with finals and all).

Every time something like Molly's request happens I think it must be a way to show how Sonny's lifestyle has corrupted his children (or nieces) and ruined their lives. It will all come together later, I tell myself, when Sonny finally gets his comeuppance and sees what he has done.

But then I remember, this is bizarro world and that will never happen. At least not until GH is canceled.

Carly is such a hypocrite, being upset at Morgan having to testify, but then using her own baby as a prop at the trial. How can Dante be a traitor when he was a cop working undercover? It's not like he was from a rival mob faction and spying on the Corinthos organization. Every time Jason brings that up I have to laugh. Why doesn't Alexis tell Warren she saw Kiefer running from her house when she found Kristina? When Jason told Molly the restaurant was a bad place for her, what about the patrons' safety (If there even ARE any patrons)? Why aren't there any scenes of the Quartermaines worrying about Michael, since he lived with them for a time (recently) and he seemed not to mind having them in his life? I know, it is futile to even ask these questions! Sam is a bully who solves problems with violence. She just beats up people who are bigger than her, so I guess that is supposed to be empowering for women somehow.

I wish someone would sit Guza down and ask him some really hard questions about the show. Not some puff piece where he chortles, rubs his hands together, and almost wets his pants with glee over his latest upcoming "Sweeps" massacre. I mean a really in-depth interview into how twisted GH is, why the cops have to be vilified and made into fools, why characters NEVER change and grow (how many times have Sonny and/or Jason quit the "business" and vowed to change for their loved ones?). Instead we get the same drivel about how Sonny suffers because he blames himself for his kids' problems, so that's like as if he went to jail. Sonny doesn't blame himself, he blames everyone else! He and his cronies sit there at the trial shaking their heads in disgust at the things Claire is saying when what she is saying about Claudia delivering the baby is true. Their self-righteousness is laughable.

What I always come back to is - Why the hell hasn't anyone apologized to Robin yet for the berating she got when she told them all repeatedly that having Michael involved in the mob life was bad and the quartermaines were a much better choice.-

I mean it's not like Robin had any experience growing up involved in a "mob" family right. Oh, wait. Sorry she did! And she suffered violence and kidnapping and witnessed her grandma being killed and her stepfather being blown up and and and. . . Nobody listenend to her and now here we are.

And STILL no one apologizes!

Drives me crazy everytime ANYONE on this show (and by anyone I obviously mean Jason, Sonny or Carly) mentions that the life in the mob has done damage. . .

I feel like screaming "go apologize to Robin then cuz she was right".

And having Jason, Sonny or Carly actually attempt a life change would be "good story", and obviously Guza is allergic to that.

Midget and Cujo are two halves of the same selfish, hideous whole.

Reunite them and save any other potential future victims.

Containment is a beautiful thing.

Midget and Cujo are two halves of the same selfish, hideous whole.

Reunite them and save any other potential future victims.

Containment is a beautiful thing.

For just a moment, Sam morphed into Courtney with that punch (not that I hated it). Any woman dating Jason needs to have a good right hook.

- Alexis runs Kiefer over. Murder? Sheesh.
- Kristina is still defending her attacker.
- Molly wants to set up a 'hit'.
- Carly uses her baby as a prop to free a mobster and Jax will probably STILL not be able to get legal custody of his daughter... he doesn't deserve her if her doesn't know how to exploit her, right?

The writers may as well just cast one actress, and shove her into almost every role on the show - age doesn't matter. Zero character distinction.

As soon as I watched it, I couldn't wait to read your take on Molly, *MOLLY* requesting a hit on Warren. Seriously, LMFAO.

***Sadly, Crazypants was completely right on that one. Claire's visible disgust with Josslyn went far past "This baby is in here as a ploy" and seriously did seem to hint at unresolved issues with being a cold, childless career woman which, if explored further, I am sure that these writers will examine with their usual grace.

I still say Claire will end up in bed with Sonny after the trial and his magic sperm will do its trick, and...well...we all know where that's going.

As for the Kiefer/Mr. Bauer thing:

I thought Alexis did tell Mr. Bauer last week that she saw Kiefer running from the house. Or was that my brain rewriting the show to make it better?

I never watched Guiding Light either but based on this, I have to say Jeffrey Cole is a horrible actor. Of course, I don't care for Robin Strasser or the one that plays Tea on OLTL. They both are over the top as well with pronunciations and enunciated syllables.

As a former Guiding Light viewer, I can tell you that Bradley Cole was just as terrible on GL. Actually he's a little better on GH than he was on GL but that's not saying much. He played two different roles on GL, a prince and the prince's look-a-like/bodyguard who was also a serial rapist/spy/lawyer. Needless to say, his scenes were always uber-painful.

Molly orders a hit (is there a card to mark the occasion) -- ah yes that is what all 11 years old do to solve their problems. Perhaps "anti bullying" class is in order for all resident of Port Charles.

Carly using her baby in court. What a shock.

The moral compass of this show is out of whack......

The show has a moral compass...?

once upon a time it did. have a moral compass.. when Claire Labine was writing....

It's so liberating to read that recap and really have no clue what the hell's going on due to my extreme non-watching for the past several months. I stick with Serial Drama because I love their hatred towards most things GH. It's refreshing change on the 'net!

Hello my name is Richard Weare and I am a compulsive liar who lives in Calgary, Alberta in Canada. I have the unique habit of lying about others just so that I may get the attention of others to make myself look like I am honest and caring wwhen in reality I am nothing but a lying little puke who lies to make himself look good.

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