Serial Drama

Bad Idea Jeans

Until I read a news headline saying something along the lines of "Actor Drew Garrett finally arrested after his years-long crime spree of child-stalking, kitten murder and Epiphany/Spinelli fanfic writing" or hear backstage gossip that he was being mean to Braden Walkes and tormenting the cast and crew by singing Nickelback songs in between takes, I am going to remain on the record as thinking there is no earthly reason for them to rush the recast of Michael so that a brand new stranger is the one having pivotal scenes confessing to killing Claudia. Like, it couldn't have waited until the end of the week?

To be fair, it IS entirely possible that the emergency recast was necessary, but I have no direct knowledge about that and lots of direct knowledge about the spectacular ineptitude of the people in charge of General Hospital, so I can't help but add this to the list of this show's bad ideas. It's just so...jarring.

 
Michael: You're not a very good cop, are you?
Dante: Well, I'm not hearing anything convincing.
Michael: No, you want it to be dad, because you want to be right. You built this case and you don't want to see your big investigation count for nothing.
Dante: You know, I doubt that's even Claudia's blood, and even if it is, I'm sure it got on there some other way.
Michael: Don't you wonder why Jason let Franco hang around as long as he did? It's because he had photos of me kneeling beside Claudia's dead body. Franco was outside the cabin that night, but no one saw him and Jason couldn't kill him because he would have turned those photos over to the cops.
Dante: That's some story.
Michael:Ever since that night, everyone has been trying to cover for me for something I did. My mom, Sam, Jason, but my dad has done the most. He took the blame and now he's on trial risking everything for me. Do you still think my dad is a piece of garbage?

Yes, I still do Random Boy--I mean, Michael. But more importantly, I kept having to remind myself what was going on whenever the show went back to you and Dante, because I kept thinking, "Who IS this kid?" and "Why is he saying that he killed Claudia? Michael killed Claudi...oh, right", and it was seriously disorienting. It would have been better for poor Chad Duell (seriously, this poor boy has a tough time ahead of him, stepping into a role that won his predecessor lots of acclaim and I am trying so, so hard to be fair and non-judgmental, even though that completely goes against everything I stand for) and the audience if he didn't get thrown right into these meaty, story-changing scenes.

On the plus side...Chad Duell is insanely tall, to the point where it's even noticeable when he and Dominic Zamprogna are sitting next to each other.

I totally cannot even wait for his first scenes with Maurice Benard (assuming that they are ever actually filmed in the same frame, that is). I should start stockpiling clever Weeble jokes now, in case I can't think of anything witty through my peals of laughter.

As Tears Go By

As much as I had wanted to liveblog the Palmer Cortlandt/James Mitchell memorial on All My Children today, I am self-aware to know that said liveblog would quickly devolve into "Hold on one second, I need to get tissues" and "SOB!" and then it would just be radio silence on my end because I'd be crying too hard to even see my laptop. Even just typing this has taken me an absurd amount of time, what with the sniffling.

It's exceedingly rare to be able to say "Kudos, AMC" without a trace of sarcasm, but they really put together a beautiful episode and I have to urge you all to watch it for yourselves if you haven't already, because it was just that good. So many flashbacks! And you could tell throughout all of the scenes that it wasn't just the characters mourning Palmer; the cast was clearly honoring James Mitchell and it was just so, so nicely done.

Was it perfect? No. There were several things that were glaring in their badness, namely: who is this show kidding, not bringing Daniel Kennedy back for a couple of scenes as Petey? I am trying to understand how it's possible to have a Palmer memorial episode without Palmer's child. Trying and FAILING and thinking of (and then immediately rejecting on account of their lameness) 4/20 jokes to explain this dumb move!

David Hasselhoff Fan(s?): Rejoice!

David Hasselhoff and Snapper Foster are headed back to Genoa City!

EW.com has learned that David Hasselhoff will briefly reprise his role as Dr. William "Snapper" Foster, Jr. on "The Young and the Restless." He'll return to the show's Los Angeles set in May for an arc that will start airing in mid-June.

I had three reactions at once, which kind of gave me a headache:

1.

2. I guess this is one way to compete with General Hospital's stunt-casting...

3. I cannot even wait for Joel McHale's take. He will have material for The Soup all summer!

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

There was a time, not so long ago, when I ended an episode of Y&R feeling seriously disappointed that I’d need to wait a full day before the next episode. Today, I still end each episode with profound disappointment: disappointment over how much this show is missing the mark lately.

On paper, Y&R should be miles ahead of my other soaps in terms of quality and entertainment value. After all, the powers-that-be have not made violent mobsters the moral center of Genoa City, and veteran characters are actually allowed to appear in front of the camera (cue GH viewers shouting, “Is that even possible?!"), the show has a hugely talented cast, and yet sitting through a full episode feels like a chore.

The show finally answered one of wishes and decided what kind of a character Adam really was. Unfortunately, they decided that he’s rotten to the core. Terrible, terrible move, Y&R! For starters, it’s so unfortunate that the show completely wrecked the character of Adam/Victor Jr., who came to the show a blank slate with an appealing backstory (fun fact: Hope and Victor’s relationship in the mid-90s was the last time Victor was tolerable). I wish that they had made him complicated and explored his tense family connections without jumping immediately to mustache-twirling, fake-blind evil. And what a waste of a talented actor! Even as Adam was faking an infant’s death and driving Ashley crazy, I still didn’t fully hate him which, considering how much I hate most things, is saying something.

Lying Liars Who Lie: A Love Story

As Sonny's (farce of a) trial limps along to its inevitable conclusion, where we'll see Claire, Judge Carroll, the stenographer, and bailiff burst into an elaborate song and dance ode to Sonny's greatness and apologize for ever making him sit through a trial like a normal citizen, there is a lot of treading water as the writers (who are inept under the best of circumstances) try to stretch a short story with a foregone ending into a few week's worth of plot-lines and work to lend some suspense to an inherently un-thrilling situation.

This is why we were given so many scenes last week following Carly while she fretted over whether or not she'd be able to lie effectively on the witness stand, for example. It was ridiculous to spend quite so much time on it--like, isn't it the kind of thing that could easily be wrapped up in one scene? "Oh, boy, the stakes are high. I hope I can do this!" End of!--and it was even more ridiculous--nay, RIDONKULOUS that Carly, of all people, would feel that her lying skills aren't up to snuff. Carly of the paternity lies. Carly of the identity lies. Carly of the stepfather seducing lies. I'd continue listing the many areas of her life in which Carly lied for profit/as part of one of her complex and boneheaded schemes/for funsies, but I'd run out of bandwith. The point of this story is that Carly is a liar, and sitting through her worrying about her lying in endless detail was a severe punishment for...something.

And after all of the needless worrying, homegirl sashayed into that courtroom holding her fat-headed baby* like she hadn't a care in the world.

*I need to stress that this is not an insult, but a compliment! Fat-headed babies rule. I come from a family of fat-headed babies and my own head as a child was legendary. According to my mother, it actually garnered comments from nurses in the hospital, but I like to think that she's just teasing.

She greeted the jury breezily and offered an explanation for the baby on her lap (who Claire was completely mystified and/or disturbed by):

Carly: As a mom, I have to say that I think that Josslyn is what this trial is really about. I mean, she is the one good thing that happened that night, and I do think everyone should meet the baby that Claudia tried to steal. And I hope that you can all agree with me that my precious little girl is worth anything Sonny had to do to save her.

Even though Judge Carroll told her that she couldn't bring Josslyn back in with her, she knew she was off to a great start, throwing Sonny a wink and, during recess, smugging it up.

Sonny: What were you thinking?
Carly: Wasn't Josslyn great? I think she loved being the star of the show.*
Sonny: Did you think the jury was going to see Josslyn on the stand and acquit me on the spot?
Carly: Yeah, something like that.
Sonny: Like the time you took the baseball bat to the five families?
Carly: That almost worked!
Sonny: You almost got us killed. You can't pull these things right now. It's not, it's--it's--it's--too--you can't. It's my life on the line.**
Carly: Did you see the prosecutor? Claire was beside herself. I think she's got freaky baby issues.***
Sonny: Every time you pull one of these stunts, somebody ends up in jail. That could be me.
Carly: Don't pick a fight with the one person who has your future in their hands. I know what I'm doing. You're going to thank me later.

*Bitch crazy

**I tried my best to transcribe the line exactly as it was spoken, but I think it may have included more pauses and stammers

***Sadly, Crazypants was completely right on that one. Claire's visible disgust with Josslyn went far past "This baby is in here as a ploy" and seriously did seem to hint at unresolved issues with being a cold, childless career woman which, if explored further, I am sure that these writers will examine with their usual grace.

Sonny, for his part, responded to this potent combination of boldness and delusion with a hilarious, "I'm fucking going to jail" face.

 
He was equally amusing when he told Diane:

Sonny: Carly's got a plan and that's never good.

Agreeing with or being entertained by Sonny always makes me wonder if I've time-traveled back to 1996 and I get all woozy and lightheaded, and confused about why this Justin Bieber creature is on the radio and not the Spice Girls.

Our Column in the 4/20 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Yes, this post is nearly a week overdue.  We've been sitting on our hands, trying to let enough time pass that we were no longer tempted to make a lame 4/20 joke.  Like about how that day must be really significant to the ABC daytime executives who see something totally different on their screens than we do on ours -- oh crap, even with those extra days we couldn't resist.  Bad us.

For our April column, Mallory dedicated her whole half to lamenting how quickly The Young and the Restless' quality has nosedived, while Becca uncharacteristically took a slightly positive tack and announced the end of her grudges against Days of Our Lives' Dr. Daniel Jonas and General Hospital's Sam McCall.  Check it out while it's still on newsstands.

Zen Shorts

Oh, Kendall and Alicia Minshew, it's not that I don't love you and want you back on All My Children full-time, it's just that when/if (? She is back this summer, right? But for an undetermined length of time?) you come back to the show, you'll only be coming back to horrible writing (unless it turns out that the new writers have had their souls possessed by Doug Marland and Bill Bell, which would be awesome) and have to explain that you're back in town alone despite the progress you made with Zach in April (which is not the same as the progress you made with Zach in December, mind you), and you'll also be wanted for attempted murder because the new Pine Valley district attorney was so swayed by Greenlee's powerful, plucky and perjured testimony that he immediately--seriously, within SECONDS--began to build a case against you for a crime that wasn't really a crime, but even if it were, didn't happen in his jurisdiction, as though he thought to himself, "I lost this slam-dunk case and lost the opportunity to put the town's mustache-twirling villain in prison, but I won't let this humiliate me! Now, I'll now stake my reputation on a non-fatal car accident in Connecticut! I'll be laughing all the way to the bank!" and it will be terrible.

Kind of like your brief return this week. Actually, that's overstating it a little. Their return wasn't ALL bad, and it actually wasn't as character-ruining as I had anticipated. I don't think any All My Children viewer who considers himself or herself a fan of Kendall, Zach, or the union of Zach and Kendall, actually thought anything goodwould come of their appearance this week. I mean, hello, we are and savvy soap-watching contingent, and we have been burned enough in the past (and such epic burns they were! I was just going to link back to a few of them, just in case you were depressed and wanted to relive the horror in order to put you in a real vein-popping mood, but there were so many, from secret sperm donations and non-lesbian non-lovers, to Kendall's s*x with R**n and Aiden going all crazypants, that I couldn't list them all. It's like the various writers of this show get story ideas from a Cliche Generator and, upon getting their cliche, think to themselves, "This is pretty bad, but what can I do to make it even worse?") to realize how unlikely that would be.

So, at first, I contemplated just watching their scenes on mute and admiring their tan prettiness and making up my own dialogue.

KENDALL: I am in the mood for another mojito!
ZACH: Let me scamper off and get you one! Please ignore that my face has for some reason contorted into a frustrated grimace. I am not frustrated or grimacing!
KENDALL: And I am not pleading, or apologetic for any of our past issues. I only feel bad for the people watching, because they don't have our glamorous life, or my perfect hair and bone structure and I just feel so awful for them.

Soap Blog Coalition

Former All My Children star and soon-to-be The Young and the Restless star Eden Riegel visits with Daytime Confidential about starting at Y&R, her upcoming ACME Comedy performance and renewed interest in a second season of Imaginary Bitches. (Daytime Confidential)

I'm doling out the slaps this week on All My Children! Who do you think deserves it most? (Pine Valley Bulletin)

Rebecca Budig's special AMC commentary confirmed two things for the Serial Drama girls: 1.) she tops their "Soaps to have cocktails with" list and 2.) nobody, anywhere, ever is even marginally interested in Damon's story. (Serial Drama)

Surely the only reason soap opera residents did not receive this critical government form is because the only items their letter carriers deliver are envelopes containing threats or DNA test results. Soapers would NEVER notice a letter from the US Census Bureau and face it, it would be way too complicated for these transient residents to fill out. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Hell's Bells!

Oh, Constance Towers, how I envy you your exquisite bitchface and ability to rattle off a heartless quip.

A whole lot of stuff happened in Port Charles today, with Jason sacrificing himself for the true love of his life, and Spinelli and Carly fretting about it, and Maxie and Lucky fighting over a lamp. Obviously, none of the stuff that happened was interesting, which is also why I called it "stuff" and not "quality entertainment", but how the hell could I focus on any of it when Helena was acidly making fun of Kiefer's death and Alexis's grammar?

Alexis: What fresh hell is this?

Helena: Oh, still going through menopause? I'm sorry. I'll tread lightly.

Alexis: Good. Why don't you tread somewhere else? My daughter's here and I don't want you to scare her.

Helena: Well, I wouldn't dream of it. And even if I did, what would you do, run me down with your car like some woodland creature and leave me beside the road for the vultures to pick at?

Alexis: Even vultures have standards. They'd let you rot.

Helena: You know, I saw the Bauer boy's picture on the news. Such a handsome doe-eyed youth. Tell me, did he have that same vapid expression when he sailed over your windshield?

Alexis: You know it was an accident.

Helena: Of course. Of course it was an accident. You don't have the fortitude to kill someone on purpose. Well, I should say anyone but me. Whereas if someone had beaten my child, I would have rolled my sports car back and forth over his body till he was a bag of broken bones.

Alexis: I'm shocked. Stay away from my daughter.

Helena: Next time, you might want to leave matters of vengeance to me or even to Sonny. That's not your strength, Alexis. You're too cerebral to truly enjoy violence.

Alexis: I could make an exception in your case.

Helena: Oh, why must you be so hostile?

Alexis: Let's see, you're here to wreak havoc on someone's life. I wonder on who.

Helena: Whom.

I was torn between guffawing, and worrying that it was too tasteless for guffawing. I am not torn about wanting Helena to constantly say horrible things to everyone on canvas, completely randomly. The writers wouldn't even need to figure out a realistic way to shoehorn into certain scenes (not that they ever think about realistic. Or think in general). I'd gladly just accept Helena, like, teleporting into a scene to say something tasteless on a regular basis. It's the one way I'd be consistently delighted about this show.

The Fan-Fiction Writes Itself

I'm often accused of being hyperbolic and prone to exaggeration, so I feel it necessary to offer a disclaimer and let you all know that what I am about to say is not in any way sarcastic or hopelessly exaggerated in order to make a point, but completely and honestly what we saw on-screen: the majority of today's General Hospital was criminals and liars plotting to get one over on the (admittedly shady and inept) justice system. And then Jason offered to sacrifice himself for Sonny, and the soundtrack featured a swelling, romantic accompaniment of string instruments.

No, really, a lot of it was pretty much a recipe for how to commit perjury.

Jason: You know, with everything that's going on with the trial and everything that's going on with Michael, it's pretty easy to forget that you actually had a baby the night Claudia died. I mean, I hate to even think of you in the car with Claudia, knowing she could hurt you any second, but you were brave enough to wreck that car. You walked through the woods in a storm and found a cabin! I mean, Carly, you're so tough you made having Josslyn look easy.
Carly: Well, wow. I guess if I can do all that. I can convince the jury that Sonny killed Claudia in self-defense and he did it to protect me.
...
Jason: Sonny would do the same thing Michael did. We're just switching the names.

(Although the show was quick to point out that it is not an easy thing to do, lying on the stand! It helps if you are already the brave and strong type of person, who does things like walk through woods and finds a cabin! I don't know if it was a conscious decision by Steve Burton or not, but Jason's face actually lit up when he gleefully said "and found a cabin!" and it reminded me of the overly-excited look on a child's face when they get the chance to talk about something that they've learned before. I can just imagine him continuing with, "and found a cabin! Abraham Lincoln lived in a cabin!")

And then Jason, the hitman, said he'd go to jail for Sonny, the mob boss, and he did it all noble-like, bravely offering his criminal ass in place of his criminal friend, as if he shouldn't actually be in jail already for the crimes he commits on a daily basis.

Jason: Sonny, Sonny, Sonny. You're not going to survive a year in prison. Not just because of the claustrophobia, you've got too many enemies. Claire should have brought the deal to Diane, not us. The judge should have been involved. We don't even know the deal is real at this point. She broke all kind of rules [sic]. I mean, that could buy us a mistrial.
Sonny: I don't want a mistrial! I want this to be done with. And I don't see any other options.
Jason: This could work.
Sonny: What?
Jason: You don't take Claire's deal. I do.
Sonny: There's no way I'm going to let you go to prison for me.

At what point do the Brokeback Mobster jokes stop being jokes? And was this episode more or less creepy and off-putting than the end of yesterday's episode, where Sonny fantasized about ordering a hit on Claire?

Sonny: If Claire were a man, I'd say it was time for us to arrange ::flailing jazz hands:: an accident.

And while I am asking questions, why the hell do we watch this show?