Serial Drama

That's What She Said

And by "she", I mean Rebecca Budig, and by "what she said", I mean "what she thought about today's episode of All My Children because ABC thought that both she and this episode were so amazing and pivotal, respectively, that an episode that featured her commentary was absolutely necessary".

Oh, and also necessary was ABC.com's explanation of this new-fangled commentary for rubes like us who may be a little confused about the words "Rebecca will pipe in with any thoughts she has about the episode, its taping, the writing, or anything else that crosses her mind. What actor does she think is cute? And what does she have to say about her hair? That and much, much more!" Like, what?! What could that possibly mean?! I don't understand! But luckily they cleared it up with "Think of it like the commentary you get on DVDs" and I'm suddenly way less confused, if more peeved because being treated like an idiot by the people responsible for bringing ups All My Children and General Hospital is seriously insulting.

Do I seem bitter? I don't mean to, because, actually, I DO think Rebecca Budig is three feet, six inches of awesome adorability and adorable awesomeness, and I WAS looking forward to this episode, because: Alicia Minshew! I have sorely missed Kendall and her gorgeous self. I just think it's a little strange! I mean, I'd love to hear Rebecca Budig (and Alicia Minshew's) thoughts on this show. I just think I'd prefer to hear it in a non-ABC Daytime setting, since then she could be really honest...

Here are some of her thoughts:

On David Canary: Thank god David Canary got to lie down in a scene and not have any lines. He's had so much to do in this last month...I miss him already.

On Alicia Minshew: I love acting with her. She does such a good job in this scene.

On Jamie Luner and the new DA: I think they should just have sex right there on the table. Look at her. She's a hot tamale.

On Fake Eyelashes: Look at her eyelashes. All the girls wear fake eyelashes, and I just found this out the other day. I was very upset. I’m like, “Hey, I’m left out of this mix.” So, I put some fake eyelashes on the other day. I think she’s so pretty - I’m not even looking at [JR]!

On her hair: My hair is really flipped out...oh God, my hair...here we go with that hair...My hair. I can't take it.

On the Damon storyline: He was in a car accident, right?

(This cracked me up, because nobody cares about this story, even the people on the show!)

On Debbi Morgan: I want to make out with Debbi Morgan. I love her. There she goes. Oh, dear God. Sometimes she gets herself all messed up. She put the oxygen mask upside down on me once, and I was laughing hysterically.

On Adam Mayfield: Adam Mayfield's a really nice guy. He and I want to go camping together.

On the scripts: I sound tired. I think I had over 50 pages to learn. It's the first time I had over 50 pages...We had fun doing these scenes. And the scenes that will follow. Except at the end of those 50 pages we were a little delirious.

On motorcycle bride: Oh that's just silliness with the veil on my head.

And now here are some of my thoughts.

Greenlee: There was no accident. There were no accidents, were there? You wanted Ryan. You were trying to kill me.

OMFG. Like Kendall would have to resort to accidental murder to get rid of competition for Ryan's love. All you need to do to seduce Ryan away from the current love of his life who he is devoted to is...well, pretty much walk past him and say "What's up, dude?" ! He'd be all over that with whispered declarations of love within minutes, no manslaughter needed!

Literally Without Speech

I can usually be counted on for a lengthy, wordy discussion of, oh...anything, ever. So why am I left with "What in the...how is that...WHY?" when faced with the end of Friday's The Young and the Restless?

 

I mean, Lauren came face to face with the smirking Evil Lauren Lookalike, which marks the SECOND evil lookalike story currently happening on the show right now and the, like, FIFTH OR SIXTH lookalike in Genoa City in the past few years (right? Lauren/Evil Lauren, Patty/Emily, Will Bardwell/Jeff Bardwell, Sheila/Phyllis, Katherine/Marge, Carmen Mesta/Whats-Her-Face, WHAT THE HELL?) and is just so relentlessly stupid that you'd think I'd have HUNDREDS of things to say, with all sorts of four-letter words and hysterical run-on tangents and a self-righteous call for the firing of the executive who greenlit this disaster, and a list of things less ridiculous than this offensively stupid thing (such as the advice and anecdotes detailed in Jennifer Love Hewitt's book The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I am A Love-Aholic",Nicolas Cage's hair, the sudden resurgence of rompers) and yet...all I am left with is "What in the...how is that...WHY?" And tears. Lots of tears.

Look Kids, Train Wrecks Can Be Fun!

This show is exhausting.  With the studio move and the mass cast exodus and the new Associate Head Writer and the endless, endless rumors about the show's impending demise or reduction or revamping, watching it feels very different from how it used to.  I used to watch this show and just have opinions about the stories or the actors or the characters, but now it's hard to watch without thinking about all the behind-the-scenes drama.  If we didn't know that Robert S. Woods is not leaving the show, Bo getting shot might've had more impact.  If we didn't know that we really have seen the last of Kim and Rachel, we might be wasting time waiting for their returns.  If we didn't know that three characters who are currently neck-deep in the current storylines are on their way out within days, we might be experiencing... excitement?  Hope?  Alas, it just feels like a train wreck, albeit a train wreck with some fun moments.

On the plus side, it's not all bad.  

Blair has a ridiculously adorable new haircut and is having an actual grownup relationship with Eli, who actually seems to consider himself the lucky man he is (also: "Keep your hands off Elijah's spatula.").  Kim and Clint's final scenes together were terrific.  Fish finally has his baby and the Fish/Kyle/Sierra nuclear family couldn't be cuter.  Bo and Nora and Matthew have had compelling moments.  Tea is acting as an attorney instead of a Todd-addict.  Starr is laying down some law.  

I'm trying to hang on here.  But so much of the good?  Is about to end.  Fish and Kyle and their hilariously precious baby?  On their way out.  What on earth is lacking in this storyline?  Who thought it wouldn't be a great story to have these two young men negotiate life with an infant?  It would be gold.  And Roxy and her newly-discovered son Schuyler?  Comparing notes on the messes they've made of their lives and standing together?  This isn't material worth pursuing?  So far their scenes together have been magic ("Yay team."), and while I remain spoiler-free and have no idea how this will unfold, I do know it won't be explored because he's leaving us.  It's just... sad.  I find myself weepy at these scenes and not because they're good or bad but because they're just so temporary.

Here's where I have to voice concern for Ilene Kristen.  Roxy no longer has any biological ties to the canvas (once Schuyler is jettisoned in whatever unfortunate manner they so choose for him), she no longer has a best friend (once Kyle is written off -- next week?), so I worry.  I will be crestfallen beyond all comprehension if they write her off.  I've long found Roxy to be one of the most interesting characters on daytime television, which may sound strange but hear me out!  She's a lush but not in a "social issues" kind of way -- they're not sending her to rehab, they're not putting her on the wagon, she's just an old gal who still likes to hit the sauce and sometimes it gets her into trouble and sometimes it doesn't.  That's actually kind of brave writing to suggest that she is a better person than she used to be, but not because she's in recovery, just because.  She's made a heap of reprehensible choices in her life but has a huge and resilient heart (and while that sounds like a few other women on this show, she doesn't have the built-in benefit of a huge and powerful family), and lives her life with utter humility.  She does run the local beauty salon and official hotel-for-transients, so here's hoping that keeps her in town.  Plus, if Roxy gets written off, so does Morris the beaver!  This is not an option.

Soap Blog Coalition

Daytime Confidential's Luke and Jamey visit with All My Children's Walt Willey about his return to Pine Valley and his upcoming sketch comedy performance at ACME Comedy Theater on Friday, April 9. (Daytime Confidential)

One Life to Live new cast video interviews with Melissa Archer, David Fumero, Mark Lawson and Eddie Alderson are featured, as we begin to wind down Michael Fairman On-Air On-Soaps month long feature with Llanview's favorite residents. (Michael Fairman Soaps)

Why is cop a dirty word on General Hospital, unless it's part of the phrase "cop out"? In a related story, Alexis ran over Kiefer, and the Serial Drama girls have opinions. Loud, all-caps, bitter opinions. (Serial Drama)

Soap Opera Examiner's hot topic of the day in Port Charles - A broken and bruised Kristina tells the truth. (Soap Opera Examiner)

The Wubqueen has an ode to soap fans..the best people on the planet (and in cyberspace). It's time TPTB stood up and took notice. (Wubs)

Who Do I Pay To Make This End?

I have a lot of questions about the storyline that combines Lauren, Jana, Daisy, Ryder, Mama Bear, Contrivance, Insanity, Inanity and Horror. Questions like "How?" and "Why?" and "Is Yvonne Zima secretly a robot, because her portrayal of human emotions is horrible" and "Who the crikey fuck thought that this story was a good idea?"

And all of those questions are still weighing heavily on my mind, because SERIOUSLY.

SERIOUSLY!

Daisy: Now I came to tell you myself. First off, Ryder and I...we totally did know each other from before, since the womb, in fact-- twinsies.

Lauren: What?

Daisy: Did I say I was done? Yeah, so Ryder's my brother, which means Tom is also my dad. Yay, me. But here's the best part, and I think you know where I'm going with this, right? This all leads back to our mom. Mm-hmm. Oh, deep down, you totally know who she is. Come on. You can say it. Think... your worst nightmare.

Lauren: Oh... my god. Sheila?

But the biggest, most serious question I have is: what do I have to do to make this stop? Because I'll do it. Hunger strike? Fine. Bribery? Okay. Pledging to include a positive mention of Maurice Benard in every blog entry I write for the next month? I'LL DO IT. I am DESPERATE. Because the end of today's show has me so apprehensive about tomorrow's episode that I've been contemplating attacking my TV, Office Space style, just so I don't have to sit through what is sure to be a ludicrous follow-up.

"Cop Out" Is The Only Time This Show Doesn't Treat Cop Like a Dirty Word

Before I even put this thought out into the universe: yes. Yes, I have ranted constantly about General Hospital's depiction of the legal system and the ways in which the show bastardizes it (front, back, and sideways) and professional ranter/legal expert Becca has confirmed that the only way Bob Guza could be more ignorant of the US justice system is...I can't even make a clever quip about this, because there's just no way for that to ever happen. So with that in mind, I know it seems crazy, or CAH-RAZY, even, to say these words, but seriously: they are not even going to bother with making Kiefer face legal repercussions for being an abusive horror and his punishment will, instead, be getting mowed down by Alexis?

FIRST OF ALL, how fucking ridiculous. Seriously, why couldn't they have arrested him and written him off by sending him to jail? Why must everyone on this show die? I mean, I don't know for sure that he's going to die, but this IS current day GH, where body bags are seen more often than Patrick and Robin. And how is that as a follow-up to the PSA's they've been running about this story? "Domestic violence is a serious issue...so, um, fingers crossed that your abuser gets hit by a car. Hope it all works out for you!".

SECOND OF ALL, this seems like a punishment for the audience more than anything, since now we're stuck watching Alexis do something bone-headed that Carly and others will now be able to use against her forever, and it's always worse when Carly and others have valid reasons for Alexis bashing, since it's easy to write off her usual, "Alexis is terrible because...she's terrible!"

I hate everything.

"Subtly" and "Not At All Ridiculously" Planting the Seeds of Intrigue

If I ever find myself in need of a career change, I am thinking that I might go into the private investigation business because, based on the PI's I see in the soap world, they do absolutely nothing at all with their time except talk to people and make references to the cases they are working, which seems awesome. And also because I'm totally good at looking at clues and making educated guesses about what has happened or what is going to happen.

Like, get this, for example: I have a feeling that something bad is going to go down at the masquerade ball and it will possibly have to do with Adam, who everyone in Genoa City loathes and despises and wants dead. I understand if you didn't quite get that from this week's episodes; it's been so subtly and cleverly woven into the scripts that you have to have a really inquisitive, analytical mind to pick up on it.

I'm sorry, did I say "really inquisitive, analytical mind"? I meant that you have to have the ability to hear (the shameless, over-the-top hatred that is going to be used over the course of a murder investigation) or see (the angry lunging and glaring).

Billy: Well, you could just blame it on Adam. Half the town hates the guy. They wish him dead anyway, so...

Jack: That bastard is not going to walk. I guarantee it. After what he did to Sharon and my sister, he is not gonna get off scot-free. I will see to it, no matter what I have to do.

Jack, you know that I have a deep and, frankly, bizarre love for you but really. Really. If/when Adam or a random corpse believed to be Adam is found dead, you will be a suspect based on this line for approximately half a minute, and then everyone will realize, "Dude can't tell the difference between Patty and Emily even though he is more familiar with their, um, anatomy than anyone else. As if he has the wits to commit murder" and then they will all point and laugh at what a simpleton you've been lately.

Victoria: You know what the problem is? We didn't go far enough at the cabin. If I come anywhere close to losing Reed, you better pray that you're in solitary where I can't find you.

Jill: You used me, and I promise you, you're gonna regret it.


Nick: Damn it, Sharon, Adam has already cost us so much time with Faith.

Sharon: Six months today.

Nick: Six months? Really? If I could just get my hands around his neck--

Sharon: Nick, I don't want to hear that.

Nick: Look, I'm telling you right now if that son of a bitch ever sees the outside of a cell, I will kill him.

Nick: You ever get within a mile of Sharon or Faith ever again, I will have to kill you.

Get it? Because people want Adam DEAD and then when there is a possible MURDER, there will be a million and one suspects and it will be INTRIGUING and MYSTERIOUS, like all of the other INTRIGUING and MYSTERIOUS stories present-day Y&R has been so good at, like the "What's the deal with Ryder and Daisy" secret, because that's the very definition of appointment television!

Soap Blog Coalition

Looking for the latest scoop about your favorite All My Children characters and upcoming storylines? Check out Daytime Confidential’s All My Children Spoilers (Daytime Confidential)

Donuts In Heaven: Michael Fairman Soaps attended a very special gathering with DAYS cast members past and present, in honor of the late, Frances Reid (Alice). From the speeches, tears, memories, laughter and clips… it's all detailed in our very special blog. (Michael Fairman Soaps)

What happens when a real-life attorney watches the courtroom antics on General Hospital? Migraines, alcohol consumption and a Serial Drama rant happen. (Serial Drama)

Ever imagine what your favorite Genoa City residents might be tweeting on Twitter? Soap Opera Examiner’s Mary Montanari takes a hilarious stab at what they might say. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Dishing on NuMorgan, another NuFaceWub, the One Life to Live baby switch and more! Come join the fun (Wubs)