That's What She Said
And by "she", I mean Rebecca Budig, and by "what she said", I mean "what she thought about today's episode of All My Children because ABC thought that both she and this episode were so amazing and pivotal, respectively, that an episode that featured her commentary was absolutely necessary".
Oh, and also necessary was ABC.com's explanation of this new-fangled commentary for rubes like us who may be a little confused about the words "Rebecca will pipe in with any thoughts she has about the episode, its taping, the writing, or anything else that crosses her mind. What actor does she think is cute? And what does she have to say about her hair? That and much, much more!" Like, what?! What could that possibly mean?! I don't understand! But luckily they cleared it up with "Think of it like the commentary you get on DVDs" and I'm suddenly way less confused, if more peeved because being treated like an idiot by the people responsible for bringing ups All My Children and General Hospital is seriously insulting.
Do I seem bitter? I don't mean to, because, actually, I DO think Rebecca Budig is three feet, six inches of awesome adorability and adorable awesomeness, and I WAS looking forward to this episode, because: Alicia Minshew! I have sorely missed Kendall and her gorgeous self. I just think it's a little strange! I mean, I'd love to hear Rebecca Budig (and Alicia Minshew's) thoughts on this show. I just think I'd prefer to hear it in a non-ABC Daytime setting, since then she could be really honest...
Here are some of her thoughts:
On David Canary: Thank god David Canary got to lie down in a scene and not have any lines. He's had so much to do in this last month...I miss him already.
On Alicia Minshew: I love acting with her. She does such a good job in this scene.
On Jamie Luner and the new DA: I think they should just have sex right there on the table. Look at her. She's a hot tamale.
On Fake Eyelashes: Look at her eyelashes. All the girls wear fake eyelashes, and I just found this out the other day. I was very upset. I’m like, “Hey, I’m left out of this mix.” So, I put some fake eyelashes on the other day. I think she’s so pretty - I’m not even looking at [JR]!
On her hair: My hair is really flipped out...oh God, my hair...here we go with that hair...My hair. I can't take it.
On the Damon storyline: He was in a car accident, right?
(This cracked me up, because nobody cares about this story, even the people on the show!)
On Debbi Morgan: I want to make out with Debbi Morgan. I love her. There she goes. Oh, dear God. Sometimes she gets herself all messed up. She put the oxygen mask upside down on me once, and I was laughing hysterically.
On Adam Mayfield: Adam Mayfield's a really nice guy. He and I want to go camping together.
On the scripts: I sound tired. I think I had over 50 pages to learn. It's the first time I had over 50 pages...We had fun doing these scenes. And the scenes that will follow. Except at the end of those 50 pages we were a little delirious.
On motorcycle bride: Oh that's just silliness with the veil on my head.
And now here are some of my thoughts.
Greenlee: There was no accident. There were no accidents, were there? You wanted Ryan. You were trying to kill me.
OMFG. Like Kendall would have to resort to accidental murder to get rid of competition for Ryan's love. All you need to do to seduce Ryan away from the current love of his life who he is devoted to is...well, pretty much walk past him and say "What's up, dude?" ! He'd be all over that with whispered declarations of love within minutes, no manslaughter needed!
With that being said, it was so nice to see Rebecca Budig and Alicia Minshew together, and I loved both of their performances in their scenes. Kendall was all hurt and guilty, and Greenlee was angry and growing more unhinged by the minute.
Kendall: We were in a really bad place, Greenlee. We just needed someone to lean on.
Greenlee: You did a hell of a lot more than cry on each other's shoulder.
Kendall: Nothing made sense anymore. I mean you were gone. The grief, it just took over us. We had to go to Connecticut to identify your body and when we got to the morgue, I wouldn't let Ryan life that sheet. I wish I had now, but I didn't want his last memory of you to be decomposing on a table in the morgue.
Greenlee: Having sex was a much better way to honor my memory.
Um, point one goes to the little spitfire.
Greenlee: I couldn't understand what was so awful that they felt they had to keep it from me.
Kendall: So you came looking for me?
Greenlee: You are the one person on this earth who I knew would be totally honest with me and if you're not, I'll know it. You've never been able to look me in the eye and lie very well, so don't try it now. I need you to come clean with me.
Greenlee: As my best friend.
Kendall: You were't the only one they were trying to protect.
Greenlee: It was you, wasn't it? You were driving the car that almost killed me.
And it was nice that Kendall tied this back into her Worst Year Ever.
Kendall: I know this is a lot to take in, especially after all that's happened to you. You probably feel like nobody understands you, but I want you to know that you're not alone. I do have some idea what you're going through. When I woke up after that tornado, I had been out just a few months, but so many things had changed. Bianca had a new bab, and Zach was the father, and they kept it a secret from me.
Tune in tomorrow to see Greenlee take Zach to task for his part in the accident. "Can't wait!"
(Again, it was an accident! I didn't get why people couldn't understand it last year, and I don't get why they don't understand it now. I also don't get why the show included flashbacks to the accident. They horrify me, both because of the cheesiness of Greenlee on a motorcycle in her wedding garb and because they remind me of the stuff and the things with Reese and her awfulness and I'd much rather repress those hated memories)
Please raise your hand if you care one whit about Damon, and his anger, and his possible ADHD and anything regarding him and Tad.
If you have your hand up, you are a LIAR! There is no thinking person on the planet who's like, "You know who I'd like to see more of? Damon and his misplaced anger, while Tad hovers around him, not telling the truth about his paternity in order to set up the biggest freak out ever when the truth finally does come out!"
Damon: I need a pill.
Tad: No, you want a pill. There's a difference.
While David's trial is far less offensive than the trial currently happening on General Hospital, it's not exactly entertaining, so my brief observations of the courtroom scenes today are: Rebecca Budig is right, the new DA IS cute; Jamie Luner needs a deep-conditioning treatment in the worst possible way; and come on, Liza. You make it too easy to make jokes at your expense.
Liza: I'm about to get David off.
David: If you don't remove the stress from your life--and I'm talking your business and family life--you're going to die.
Please don't put thoughts like that out into the universe again. I know that the new writers claim that Adam's exit will not coincide with his death, but I learned long ago not to believe anything that ABC says to me.
So, Annie and JR had sex. The fastest sex ever, might I had. They were making out before the credits, and then immediately after, they were in afterglow. That doesn't say too much about Junior, does it?
His look of horror when Marissa showed up and he realized the implications of what he did made me laugh. Like, first of all, we are all horrified at Marissa, because of how boring she is and also because of the massive amount of "subtlety" the show is using by showing her so proud and unfailingly supportive of JR. Get it? Because he just had sex with Annie! And also, Marissa has reacted to everything in her life, from her husband having cancer to the news that she was sold at birth, with the same pleasant monotone. I am sure she will do the same when her husband's infidelity is revealed!
But man, how terrible was JR's plan? He has sex with Annie, seemingly forgetting that she's not the only one whose marriage will explode if the truth comes out, and also forgetting that he's dealing with a nutbar!
JR: No one can know about this.
Annie: I know that. I have just as much to lose as you do.
Because a mentally unstable bitch is exactly the kind of person you want to have a life-ruining secret about you! Ugh, he has the Chandler name but none of the Chandler smarts.