The Fan-Fiction Writes Itself
I'm often accused of being hyperbolic and prone to exaggeration, so I feel it necessary to offer a disclaimer and let you all know that what I am about to say is not in any way sarcastic or hopelessly exaggerated in order to make a point, but completely and honestly what we saw on-screen: the majority of today's General Hospital was criminals and liars plotting to get one over on the (admittedly shady and inept) justice system. And then Jason offered to sacrifice himself for Sonny, and the soundtrack featured a swelling, romantic accompaniment of string instruments.
No, really, a lot of it was pretty much a recipe for how to commit perjury.
Jason: You know, with everything that's going on with the trial and everything that's going on with Michael, it's pretty easy to forget that you actually had a baby the night Claudia died. I mean, I hate to even think of you in the car with Claudia, knowing she could hurt you any second, but you were brave enough to wreck that car. You walked through the woods in a storm and found a cabin! I mean, Carly, you're so tough you made having Josslyn look easy.
Carly: Well, wow. I guess if I can do all that. I can convince the jury that Sonny killed Claudia in self-defense and he did it to protect me.
Jason: Sonny would do the same thing Michael did. We're just switching the names.
(Although the show was quick to point out that it is not an easy thing to do, lying on the stand! It helps if you are already the brave and strong type of person, who does things like walk through woods and finds a cabin! I don't know if it was a conscious decision by Steve Burton or not, but Jason's face actually lit up when he gleefully said "and found a cabin!" and it reminded me of the overly-excited look on a child's face when they get the chance to talk about something that they've learned before. I can just imagine him continuing with, "and found a cabin! Abraham Lincoln lived in a cabin!")
And then Jason, the hitman, said he'd go to jail for Sonny, the mob boss, and he did it all noble-like, bravely offering his criminal ass in place of his criminal friend, as if he shouldn't actually be in jail already for the crimes he commits on a daily basis.
Jason: Sonny, Sonny, Sonny. You're not going to survive a year in prison. Not just because of the claustrophobia, you've got too many enemies. Claire should have brought the deal to Diane, not us. The judge should have been involved. We don't even know the deal is real at this point. She broke all kind of rules [sic]. I mean, that could buy us a mistrial.
Sonny: I don't want a mistrial! I want this to be done with. And I don't see any other options.
Jason: This could work.
Jason: You don't take Claire's deal. I do.
Sonny: There's no way I'm going to let you go to prison for me.
At what point do the Brokeback Mobster jokes stop being jokes? And was this episode more or less creepy and off-putting than the end of yesterday's episode, where Sonny fantasized about ordering a hit on Claire?
Sonny: If Claire were a man, I'd say it was time for us to arrange ::flailing jazz hands:: an accident.
And while I am asking questions, why the hell do we watch this show?
It can't be for their skill at writing a compelling romance, because the one compelling romance we do have right now seems like it's on a collision course with danger and offensiveness.
Carly: I'm guessing that Dante doesn't know about your abortion.
"Unlike every other person in Port Charles, since you spent that entire summer and months thereafter talking about it nonstop".
Lulu: It never occurred to me that he would care.
"I mean, I never thought the writers would give us an obstacle in the form of a storyline that happened years ago."
Carly: Maybe he won't.
Lulu: No. I'm so scared to tell him, because I'm sure he'll care. He's extremely Catholic. His mom said having him was the best decision she's ever made.
Carly: Okay, that was her. That doesn't mean Dante is going to judge you.
Lulu: No, at some point, I'm going to have to tell him and it's going to change the way he sees me. He's not going to see me the way he sees me now.
This, of course, follows last week's abortion-related anvil:
Dante: Sure. Or maybe she missed out on Mr. Right because of me. She was 15. She could have had a whole different life. It took guts for her to have me. She could have taken the easy road and had an abortion.
Why is it that the show only honors its history when it comes time to ruin something?!
Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. I for sure don't know that Dante and Lulu are going to be spectacularly wrecked. It's entirely possible that I'm being a pessimist, but it's more likely that I'm being a realist, because I've grown real accustomed to GH spitting on everything that I enjoy.
Also, why was Lulu dressed like a Kardashian?
What a freaking tack-a-thon!
I do have to admit, though, that even though a lot of it was to create abortion-related angst for Lulu, Olivia's nutty pride in her son was kind of adorable, as was his obvious discomfort with it. Like, when she referred to him as "the greatest work I'll ever do?" and there was a beat before he could muster up an awkward "O...kay"? I LOLed.
Apparently, the theme of today is my asking questions that will never get answered, because there are no answers in the world of GH (I mean, no answers other than "because this show redefines the world bad"). I have yet more questions, this time about the Kristina/Alexis/Dead Kiefer story.
- How freaking good are Lexi Ainsworth and Nancy Lee Grahn?! LA was so, so good for (almost) the whole episode, and NLG trying her hardest to keep it together was impressive.
- The "almost" above refers to the scene where Ethan apologized to Kristina, and I don't wholly blame Lexi Ainsworth for her stony-faced reaction. I think a lot of it is due to the writing and directing, but no matter whose fault it is, WHAT THE HELL? I understand that she's dealing with a whole mess of emotions at the moment, and that Ethan's greasy hair and smirk are exceedingly irritating, but...I don't know, I felt it would have made a lot more sense for her to visibly soften as he apologized. It was really off for me.
- Did anybody else let out a gasp of horror when Kiefer's father walked into Kristina's room and closed the door behind him? I anticipated something seriously awful happening, and while what happened (berating a battered teenager) was terrible, it was less criminal and disgusting than what I imagined, and before you get on my case for having a disturbed mind, remember, this is Guza's GH! There IS no bottom of the barrel here.
- Speaking of Kiefer's parents, why on earth are they (a) so freaking over-the-top and cheesy in their rage? Their cartoonishness really stands out in comparison to NLG's subtlety and (b) waltzing in and out of Kristina's room?! After Mrs. Bauer's (famous, to me, for her role on a seriously disturbing episode of Criminal Minds where three kidnapped girls had to decide which of them was going to die, and then the other two had to kill her) trip in to sneer at Kristina and Alexis, why the hell didn't Maya (who took her sweet time responding to Alexis's anguished calls, BTW. I hope she doesn't wind up as an ER doc. Oh, who am I kidding, there's no such thing as a specialty on this show) make sure that someone was outside of Kristina's room to keep shouty and vengeful people away from her?
I mean, I'd ask one more, obvious question--How does Bob Guza still have a job?--but I'm afraid that our theories would wind up getting us sued for slander...