Twelve Angry Viewers
(I know I'm substantially overestimating the amount of people who continue to allow General Hospital to infect their televisions, but I can't very well let an outdated cultural reference pass me by, now can I?)
Viewers weren't the only ones who felt their ire rise over the course of the 3 PM hour today, and we were in good company, too, for Jason Morgan himself spent the entire episode in a state that I believe the DSM IV refers to as "pissy bitch", first over Sonny's asking him to leave the Michael situation alone and then over Lulu agreeing to harbor Michael for Dante.
Regarding the former, how upsetting was it to watch these two have a prolonged lover's spat? It's hard to believe that just a few days ago, Jason was offering to go to prison to protect his delicate, claustrophobic life partner from a fate that he surely couldn't survive and today he looked as though he was vividly imagining one of Sonny's many enemies getting to him in prison.
Sonny: Here's what you need to do to help Michael: just leave it alone. Are we clear on that?
Jason: I'm clear on what I have to do.
And then he stormed out, leading Sonny to think to himself, "Can you remind me again of what that is?"
Far be it from me to agree with Sonny on anything, ever, but I feel like Jason needs to take a step back and realize that everything he has done over the course of this asinine coverup has made things worse, so maybe he shouldn't be so convinced that he, and only he, knows the best way to handle Michael's return to the US.
And on the latter, is he new here?
Jason, voice dripping with disgust: So Lulu sided with Dante over Michael.
No fucking kidding she did, you moron. I know that he's literally brain damaged and all that, but really! Since when does Lulu not put her latest love interest first? When she was with Johnny, she practically threatened to shoot Lucky in the face if, while doing his job, he did anything that would put Johnny in prison! And OF COURSE she chose Dante over Michael. Why wouldn't she? Just because Sonny, Jason, Carly and the show since 1997 have put Michael first doesn't mean the rest of Port Charles needs to.
Jason wasn't the only person who had to get firm with Sonny who, it needs to be said, is operating in a completely different reality. Thank goodness for Alexis and her commitment to common sense!
Sonny, who is currently on trial for murder: Is the main problem in this situation Kiefer's father?
Alexis, who is also facing trouble for her role in a person's death: There's a lot of problems, but yes, Kiefer's father is determined to get what he wants.
Sonny: Well, we shut him up permanently. It's no big deal.
What the what?! Murder, it's so not even a thing, Alexis, calm down! It's like when Alexis was talking about her legal issues and Sonny scoffed, "The hit and run?" Like, "Pshaw, vehicular homicide? No big."
Alexis: In no language did I say that I wanted you to kill Warren Bauer. Don't we have enough hanging over our heads, Sonny, that we don't have to listen to you talking about killing anyone else?
Sonny: It'd be an accident. It wouldn't be traced back.
Alexis: Right. Nobody would ever suspect you and me. They'd suspect Molly, because she's already tried to conspire to kill Warren. She tried to hire Jason to kill him, did you know that? Hell, why don't we make it a family outing? We could all kill Warren!
It would be like Murder On The Orient Express, except terribly written!
Alexis: Do you hear how insane this is?!
Sonny: You want to hear what insane is? Insane is walking into the hospital, seeing your little girl after she's been beat up by an animal. That's insanity.
Did anyone else get the feeling that Sonny has been practicing that comeback and has similar ones ready in order to curry sympathy in the future, like when people say the words horror ("You want to hear what horror is?") or hungry ("You want to hear what hungry is? Hungry is not being able to eat dinner because you need to go to the hospital, to see your little girl after she's been beat up by an animal and the hospital cafeteria is closed")?
Alexis: You know what's even more insane? She stayed with that animal after he beat her up. She had other choices, she had other avenues that she could have taken to get out of that relationship and we have to figure out why, before she does it again.
Sonny: We can't do that if you're in prison.
Alexis: We can't do that if she sees that every time you get angry, you attack.
Sonny, as if talking to an adorably slow pet: Sometimes, Alexis, it's the only way.
Alexis: I bet that's what Kiefer was thinking right before he hit her.
Sonny, missing the fucking point entirely: I still want him dead.
If this show had a competent writing staff, they would seize upon this and write a really good story about the cycle of violence that surrounds Kristina and her father's part in it. Hee, I made a funny.
Speaking of Kristina, she and Michael had a nice scene together where he asked her why she never said anything about Kiefer.
Michael: Krissy, why didn't you tell anyone?
Kristina: First, because I didn't think it would happen again, and when it did, I knew Dad would freak. And I know Kiefer wanted to stop because he loved me, and I loved him, and I still do. Please don't tell me how messed up that is.
Michael: Hey. I'm the king of messed up.
Kristina: I wanted to be good enough for Kiefer, like you wanted to be good enough for Dad.
I'm still having problems with a non-Drew Garrett person in the role of Michael, but Chad Duell was really good in these scenes--between this and his brief phone call with Morgan, I'd say he's good at playing the supportive brother. And his Michael doesn't have the same current of severe emotional disturbance that Garrett's did (a current which was completely in character. I'm just saying), where Michael was supportive but also very, very angry.
Morgan is as fed up as the rest of the world that Jax and Carly can't be within five feet of each other without bitching, like they are starring in a full-length adaptation of The Lockhorns and lost it today.
Carly: Jax and I have some serious differences about a lot of things.
Morgan: You're mad because you think Jax doesn't love Michael.
Jax: Hey, I love Michael, all right? And I love your mother, too.
Carly: I love Jax, very muich. I just don't love the things that you've done.
Jax: Just trying to help you break away from your unhealthy attachments.
Carly: I don't need your help, and those attachments came with the deal and you know it.
Jax: Well, if you keep putting those attachments first, we're never going to be able to move forward.
Carly: You make it sound so easy, Jax.
Jax: That's because it could be.
Carly: Yes, if I pretend like most of my life didn't happen.
Morgan: Stop it, both of you, okay? If you love each other, you'd stop fighting. Can't you two just be together?
Jax: Well, that's what I want.
Carly: Yeah, if it's completely on your terms.
Morgan: Remember when Michael and I had that huge fight about the video game system and he chased me around the house and then we stopped talking?
Carly: Yes, you were acting like 2 year olds.
Morgan: Yeah. You said we should work it out because we're family. So you two should stop acting like two year olds and work it out.
1.) If I hear this conversation one more time, I won't be held responsible for what I do.
2.) "That video game system"? Morgan is more conscious of copyright infringement than most 12 year old boys I know!
3.) Carly and Jax were more amused than anything that it took a pre-teen for them to see sense when, really, overwhelming shame would be the most appropriate response.
I'm not saying anything will make Luke and Skye's Friday dialogue okay, but it did lead to an epic Tracy freakout
Tracy: You want Skye? Take her. Everyone else has. See you in divorce court.
And I will never say no to one of those.
Liz's Very Special Storyline continues, with Michael Learned being all zany and inspirational, and trying her best to set Steven up with a nice girl.
I mean, I am surprised as anybody that this adorable, albeit pocket-sized, doctor is single, but this IS Port Charles where the dating scene shuns anyone without a five page criminal record.
Maxie and Spinelli were on today, and I know that Maxie (annoyingly) (I didn't need that qualifier, did I? Because she does everything annoyingly) spilled the beans about Michael's whereabouts to Jason, but aside from that, I have no recollection of what their scenes were about. My notes simply say "Maxie and Spinelli ugh ugh ugh".
On a similar "Ugh ugh ugh" tip: jury deliberations. Holy god, why are we being forced to sit through this? The only television depiction of jury deliberations I have ever enjoyed was "The Boy Who Knew Too Much" on The Simpsons, which I still quote to this day (a friendship was nearly ended when my "Charlie Brown said 'good grief'? Didn't see that one coming" reference was met with a blank stare). Perhaps I will just recap that episode instead of recapping these scenes, which are ghastly and terrible and feature Big Alice in a prominent role, which is a recipe for HORROR if there ever was one.
Between her hamminess and the stereotypical blowhard on the jury's overacting and Lisa's smugness, I just can't deal. Especially when Lisa makes hilarious references to Apollo 13, a movie that I love completely and truly and led me to a serious phase where I was obsessed with NASA and learned that the movie's famous line is actually a misquote and also that Tom Hanks would be too tall to be an astronaut in real life!
Lisa: Then as we say in Houston...we have a problem.
Bob Guza is not fit to even use the letters a, p, o, and l in that order!