Oh, Kendall and Alicia Minshew, it's not that I don't love you and want you back on All My Children full-time, it's just that when/if (? She is back this summer, right? But for an undetermined length of time?) you come back to the show, you'll only be coming back to horrible writing (unless it turns out that the new writers have had their souls possessed by Doug Marland and Bill Bell, which would be awesome) and have to explain that you're back in town alone despite the progress you made with Zach in April (which is not the same as the progress you made with Zach in December, mind you), and you'll also be wanted for attempted murder because the new Pine Valley district attorney was so swayed by Greenlee's powerful, plucky and perjured testimony that he immediately--seriously, within SECONDS--began to build a case against you for a crime that wasn't really a crime, but even if it were, didn't happen in his jurisdiction, as though he thought to himself, "I lost this slam-dunk case and lost the opportunity to put the town's mustache-twirling villain in prison, but I won't let this humiliate me! Now, I'll now stake my reputation on a non-fatal car accident in Connecticut! I'll be laughing all the way to the bank!" and it will be terrible.
Kind of like your brief return this week. Actually, that's overstating it a little. Their return wasn't ALL bad, and it actually wasn't as character-ruining as I had anticipated. I don't think any All My Children viewer who considers himself or herself a fan of Kendall, Zach, or the union of Zach and Kendall, actually thought anything goodwould come of their appearance this week. I mean, hello, we are and savvy soap-watching contingent, and we have been burned enough in the past (and such epic burns they were! I was just going to link back to a few of them, just in case you were depressed and wanted to relive the horror in order to put you in a real vein-popping mood, but there were so many, from secret sperm donations and non-lesbian non-lovers, to Kendall's s*x with R**n and Aiden going all crazypants, that I couldn't list them all. It's like the various writers of this show get story ideas from a Cliche Generator and, upon getting their cliche, think to themselves, "This is pretty bad, but what can I do to make it even worse?") to realize how unlikely that would be.
So, at first, I contemplated just watching their scenes on mute and admiring their tan prettiness and making up my own dialogue.
KENDALL: I am in the mood for another mojito!
ZACH: Let me scamper off and get you one! Please ignore that my face has for some reason contorted into a frustrated grimace. I am not frustrated or grimacing!
KENDALL: And I am not pleading, or apologetic for any of our past issues. I only feel bad for the people watching, because they don't have our glamorous life, or my perfect hair and bone structure and I just feel so awful for them.
And then I thought, "Well, I should be a responsible blogger and maybe watch what actually happened, rage-inducing thought it will probably be".
Greenlee: But this romantic life at sea? I mean, you must still love her?
Zach: I do.
Greenlee: The way you used to love her? The way I used to love Ryan before they both betrayed us?
Zach: No. I don't love Kendall that way anymore, and I don't think I ever will.
And then I thought, "It's a shame that life doesn't come with an undo button...", but I soldiered along and watched scenes that basically rehashed issues I thought were adequately resolved back in December, the gist this time being that Zach felt that Pine Valley was poison and that it would be best for the Slater family unit to be away from it all in the middle of the ocean, and their stint ended on a note that managed to both be optimistic and ambiguous and I'm still kind of confused about the point to it all, aside from the obvious drama it created for Greenlee and Ryan, but it did give us a few quality moments, most of which revolved around Kendall having a backbone:
Kendall: Okay, you know what? Shut the hell up! Where the hell do you get off rewriting history so that you're always my victim? We both know that is not true. Yes, Greenlee, I have hurt you. I have done some terrible things, and I am sorry about that. But you give as good as you get.
Greenlee: Hmm. Self-defense: It's the only way I could've survived this "friendship."
Kendall: Really? Ok. Well, was it self-defense when you slammed into court and ripped off my dress to prove I wasn't pregnant? I was trying to protect my sister.
Greenlee: I didn't know.
Kendall: Yes, yes, exactly. All you cared about was proving how brilliant and great you are. And then there's Spike. I was in premature labor with Ian, and where was my best friend? Trying to kidnap my other son. You drove into a ravine, he nearly died.
Greenlee: I am still sorry about that. It was an accident.
Kendall: Yes, exactly, Greenlee! An accident!
Finally! I thought that we were just never going to mention things that happened with Faux Greenlee in the role.
And can I just say that Ryan's name was mentioned waaaaaay too many times this week for my liking? If it wasn't Zach and Kendall talking about Ryan, it was Kendall and Greenlee talking about Ryan, and it's just like...the name is seriously becoming a four-letter word for me at this point and I get uncomfortable hearing it in mixed company, which is awkward, because it's actually a very common name, and people are like, "Why are you twitching like that?"
As far as Greenlee's cruel, vindictive and slightly deranged testimony...I found it hugely entertaining. Or maybe it was the feathers on her shirt that entertained me the most.
Greenlee: There is. It was really difficult for me to come here today, but I needed to tell my story. When I came back to town, I told everyone that I was in a coma for months following my accident. But that's not true. I was conscious the entire time. Awake, aware, and suffering because of the woman I believed was my best friend. Kendall Slater ran me off the road on purpose because she didn't want me to marry the man she wanted for herself. More like a confession. After my accident, I was devastated, physically and emotionally. David Hayward saved me. He stood by me while everyone else moved on as if I didn't even exist. Why did he keep my survival a secret? Because I asked him to. Everything my husband did, every crime he's been accused of is my fault. I told him to make it look like I was dead. The bribe, the DNA, the engagement ring--all my idea. So charge me, if you want to charge somebody. Throw me in prison. I'll do the time. But that wouldn't be justice. If you want someone to pay, find Kendall Slater, bring her here, and make her answer for what she's done.
Now, don't get me wrong, it was as troubling as it was entertaining. It really drove home the most loathsome part of Greenlee's personality, and it was kind of stupid to introduce this as future angst for Kendall when she's not actually here to deal with the fallout (it was more than kind of stupid to introduce this as future angst for Kendall at all, actually, as I ranted above, but it's so WTF-y that I needed to WTF about it again. Also, immediately after, Liza was like, "Yup, that's it on our end" and the DA didn't get a chance to cross examine. ?!?!?!?) and it is never, ever a good idea for Ryan to have a valid reason to make that sad, condescending face that he makes from atop his high horse.
So I'm not saying that it was a GOOD move (and I don't think we're supposed to see it as such, since Ryan thinks it's bad and I feel like we are supposed to see Ryan as the arbiter of good and just), just that it was a not boring one.
Speaking of Ryan, I loved his courtroom outburst, because the judge had no patience for him (one of us! One of us!) and because it was just so absurd.
Ryan: That is a complete lie.
At this point, he stands up and begins to walk over to her as she is on the witness stand in a manner that I can only describe as douchey. Like, my notes for this episode actually say, "He gets up and douches over to her", which doesn't really make sense, but it's the only way to express how obnoxious it was.
Judge Meyers: Sit down.
Ryan: Why are you doing this? Why are you saying things that you know are not true?
Greenlee: It is the truth.
Judge Meyers: Bailiff, remove that man.
And then the poor bailiff goes over to physically drag Ryan out, and Ryan WRIGGLED AWAY like a child who is attempting to get away from the parent trying to corral him and put him back into his stroller.
Ryan: I know that you're hurt. This is not the way. It's not the way. Listen, I'm not gonna let you do this to Kendall. I won't do it. I won't.
He is honestly the worst. When he solemnly told Greenlee that he was "done" fighting for her, she looked pensive, when the correct reaction would have been screaming, "Fucking finally! It took acting like a banshee to get you to drop the stalker act?"
Adam's declarations of love for Brooke are so blatantly and transparently a "Well, he's leaving the show, so..." move, but I don't even care. If David Canary MUST leave the show (and I wish he wouldn't! Why can't he make life decisions based on how they will effect overly emotional people that he doesn't even know?!), this seems like a fine way to do it, because I adore him with Brooke.
JR and Annie's sleazy hookup of sleaze continues to play out this week, and AMC is doing that thing they are so fond of, where a couple has an adulterous hookup, and then one of their spouses is given the most over-the-top sunshiney and happy, and "Get it? This is ironic!" lines, this time with Marissa, who blithely told Annie that, if she's having problems, she should talk to JR and then said to Annie earlier in the week:
Marissa: No. I mean it. I mean it. You saved J.R.'S life, and for that, I will be grateful to you for the rest of my life. I really hope that we can, you know, get to know each other along the way.
Annie: I hope so, too, Marissa.
Marissa: I'd like to get to the point where we can think of each other as friends -- close friends -- sisters even.
Ugh, she is so cheesy.
JR has also made some "Did he just say that...?" remarks, to Adam, about "handling Annie".
J.R.: "Handling Annie" was a poor choice of words. In fact, I think it's safe to say our days of going at each other's throats are over.
"But our days of being in each other's throats have just begun."
Adam: So you worked well together in Washington?
J.R.: Well, we have a better understanding of each other.
A better understanding of each other's genitals, maybe, JR.
Even though JR knew that Annie is a wackadoo, he didn't know the full extent of it, because he seems surprised by how often she appears out of nowhere, in heat.
Annie: We did not just jump in bed together. We made love. Deny it all you want, but you know that's the truth.
Um...no, that's actually not what happened, but who am I to argue with Crazy?