Serial Drama

Smug Mugs

Nothing puts a damper on a lovely, sunny Memorial Day faster than an episode of The Young and the Restless that features the Newman family at their most strident and irksome. When two commercial breaks had passed and Nikki's facial expression only changed in order to accentuate a smirk or a glare, I almost turned the episode off...

...and if I had, it would have been the latest in a long line of Y&R episodes that I struggled to watch and eventually just sent to exile in my DVR. This is why I have been such a deadbeat Y&R blogger: because it annoys me. And on the rare occasions that it provokes a more extreme reaction than that (like, say, everything that had to do with Sarah and Patty), I STILL can't post, because the posts I come up with are filled with such extreme vitriol that Becca, my unofficial lawyer, advises me not to publish them, since they could certainly be considered cause for a restraining order.

But I kept watching. And oh, I am glad that I did. I mean, I had to sit through a lot of Victor, Nikki, Phyllis, Nick and Sharon showing off their amateur detective skills and acting entitled and rude to the person they are asking a favor from:

Nikki: Now do we have your attention?

Pomerantz: Your pals think they're better investigators than the police.
Phyllis: We're more thorough, that's for sure.
Sharon: Not to mention unbiased.

Pomerantz: You know what? I think you folks have been reading too much science fiction.
Victor: Now, Mr, Pomerantz, you will listen. You will stay here until we are finished. Got that?

Pomerantz: If you think you can bully me into believing this fantasy you've concocted...
Victor: Mr. Pomerantz, what's the matter with you?

But at least Pomerantz got to say what we've all been thinking, namely that there has never been a family more pompous and hypocritical than the Newmans. First, he pointed out that Victor's stunt with Adam's casket cost him the chance to disinter the body (which, HA! No fucking kidding, Victor) and then came the truth-telling.

Pomerantz: All right. You're all the same You think you're above the law, you run amok when it comes time to answer for what you've done, you all manage to wriggle out of it. I still believe you killed Walter Palin. And you wrote that phony and let Adam take the fall for it. And poor Patty Williams. She wouldnt have gone this crazy if it wasn't for the two of you. She'll be locked away for the rest of her life and you're both free to keep making your millions. If I listed the crimes everyone in this room has done and gotten away with we'd be here all night. Your collective arrogance knows no bounds.

I don't think we were supposed to be rooting for him, and I know that this will all end with Nick's exoneration and an embarrassing, public humiliation for Pomerantz, but I'll take whatever smackdowns of this family I can get, no matter how misguided or fleeting.

And how did Victor react to this display of T*R*U*T*H*? By kicking out someone who had spent the entire episode trying to leave.

Victor: Get your pompous ass out of here now.

He is seriously the worst ever.

At Least It's Not Time Travel?

Remember that awful episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where Donna and David went to visit her grandmother and learned the story of her grandparents' true World War II era love, which was miserably told to us in "flashbacks" with Donna and David playing her grandparents?  And this was supposed to somehow show us that Donna and David were soulmates?  I really thought this kind of storytelling was over (though after One Life to Live's unbearable 1968 storyline, I don't know why I clung to such hope), but alas, it is so not over.

Although, can I just say how much lovelier Farah Fath looks with longer, dark hair?  Even though the wig was bad, it was pretty glaring to keep getting shoved back into:

Yikes -- she really is a gorgeous woman without all that eye makeup, frosty lipstick, and the weird blonde/brown pixie/rooster 'do.  I thought she was stunning when she first came onto the show, which feels like twenty years ago.  (Does anyone else find it odd that Bo and occasionally Rex pronounce it "Zhee-zhee" while everyone else says "Ghee-ghee" -- or am I just neurotic?)

So what am I supposed to be learning from this story?  I find it very difficult to pay attention to it because it's infinitely corny, poorly acted and written, and... about Rex. 

Oh right, and it's about Rex and Gigi's great love that transcends generations, logic, and apparently race.  I mean for real?  Rex is part Native American now?  Okay, Ron.  (Can we close the book on the possibility that Rex is really Bo's son, then?  Pretty please?  Is this it?  Is this final?  These are his parents?)

Would anyone like to join me in extending a warm, warm welcome to one Detective Price?

Hello, sir!  Very, very nice to meet you.  I hope this one sticks around.

In other news, bang-up job hiding Bree Williamson's pregnancy!

Really, you'd have no idea!  Brilliant work!

Maybe I'm insane, but I'm kind of enjoying the Todd/Hannah scenes.  Trevor St. John and Meghann Fahy have a very interesting chemistry -- and I don't mean I'm longing to see Todd date Hannah, but unlike most Todd scenes, he really seems to wake up in these.  Just two crazytowns facing off.

And I rather adore how much she loathes him.  I can't wait for her next plan of revenge against Todd, right?  I assume Todd didn't push Marty down the stairs, but if "he's wrongly accused!" is a storyline that's supposed to earn him some sympathy as a character, it certainly isn't working.  Kidnapping young women (and tying them up in burlap sacks, no less!) to coerce a confession out of them is very old-school Todd, which is absolutely fine with me... unless the next story asks me to watch him become a wonderful, loving family man with his newfound daughter and "dying" girlfriend.  And while I understand Starr's faith in her father (no, no, I don't understand it, but I accept that it's there), it is completely ridiculous and galling of her to go grandstanding to his rape victim, acting incredulous that his (two-time) rape victim won't just admit that she knows he "would never do this!"  Really?  Of course he would!  As I said, I assume he didn't actually do it this time, but he absolutely, most certainly would.  There is very little he wouldn't do.  I am going to vomit if he gets off the hook for this and has people lining up to apologize for thinking he could do such a thing.

And finally, The Attempted Assassination by Someone of the Cad Robert Ford.

(This show's been awfully graphic lately, right?  Between this and all the orgasmic hot sex?  Not complaining.)

This has actually been a pretty well set-up whodunit -- Markko, Langston, Jess, Karen, and Hannah all have clear motives and have reasonable spots on the suspect list.  I don't know if it'll actually turn out to have been one of them, but this is definitely more mysterious than the "who pushed Marty?" whodunit, because it's less blatantly obvious who didn't do it.  We have both Markko and Jess definitely acting as if they did it, or at least they think they did it, with Langston and Karen denying involvement and Hannah looking somewhat complicit upon seeing photographs of the damage, courtesy of Todd.  Since the theme of this show is totally botching things that are really well-set-up, I assume this will quickly fall apart and lose all tension and mystery and become utterly craptastic, so I will enjoy it while it lasts.

Any theories on the culprit?  Am I crazy to care?  (I don't care about Ford-as-victim, I just find it a pretty interesting story at the moment...)

Destiny out!

Why Does This Show Confuse Me So?

I always feel uncomfortable publicly asking for clarification on the events that unfolded on General Hospital, because I don't want to give Bob Guza the satisfaction of feeling as though he one-upped me. "Oh, some people just don't understand my art. It's just too complex for them."

(Not that I think that he has Serial Drama bookmarked and, like, reads it everyday or anything. I'm not so self-absorbed! Although, events from my nightmares do so often become GH plots that I have to wonder...)

But, embarrassing though it may be, I am going to go on the record with these GH questions in hopes that one of you intrepid readers may have answers for me and can clear up all of the confusion. I am, of course, not including the two biggest GH related questions that I have (1. Why does Bob Guza still have a job? and 2. Why do we all still watch this show?) because the answers to the former will lead to a lot of theories that, while likely true, could get us sued for slander and answers to the latter...well, those will just be depressing as hell.

Why on earth do the writers insist on featuring Patrick so rarely, and when they do feature him, they highlight his least attractive qualities?

So, I know that you may have forgotten this, because the show hardly ever mentions it and it's not all one of Patrick's lone defining character traits, but the thing about Patrick is--wait for it--cocky. He thinks he's the best doctor to practice medicine in the history of ever.

Why is this the one note the show lets him play? When Lisa had Steve perform surgery with her, Patrick predictably flipped his shit in the most petulant, obnoxious way possible and then let his irritation with Lisa spill over into irritation with Robin and then he practically started crying angry tears when Steve and Lisa returned with word that the surgery went well.

Patrick: Don't get all hot and bothered. I'm not getting into your personal business.
Lisa: I'm glad to hear that.
Patrick: Okay, good, just make sure you keep it professional around here [HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Being professional at GH? I am so sure!--Ed.]
Lisa: What are you talking about?
Patrick: What are you going to tell motorcycle guy when he wakes up half the man he was? That the Chief of Staff has the hots for you, so you decided to throw him ab one, sorry it had to be yours?
Lisa: Are you frigging for real?
Patrick: Lisa, you know I'm the best surgeon for this.
Lisa: Yeah, Patrick, we all know how brilliant you are. But Steve is a trauma surgeon, and that is what my patient needs. As far as the rest, I'm going to ignore the fact that you just accused me of endangering a patient to further my personal agenda because I am nice like that, and I know it was your oversized ego that was talking.
Patrick: Mmmhmm.

I think the "self love" part of Patrick's brain is so large that it rendered the "good comebacks" part of his brain useless. "Mmmhmmm"? You tell her, Pattycakes!

SOAPNet Is Being Replaced by Pre-School Entertainment

I know that the title of this post is a little misleading, and I wouldn't blame you for thinking that Charles Pratt just signed a lucrative deal to create a new series on SOAPNet. I also wouldn't blame you for asking yourself, "There's a channel called SOAPNet? Oh, is that the one that plays One Tree Hill all the damn time?" because, seriously, not even Chad Michael Murray likes that show as much as SOAPNet does.

It's true, though: in 2012, SOAPNet will be no more.  Let's all take a minute to mourn the potential for what SOAPNet could have been, if the people in charge of it didn't find concepts like "soap operas" and "quality entertainment" to be completely offensive in every way.

The channel that once started as a place to broadcast soaps, both old and new, and then quickly became a dumping ground for all sorts of bad movies and cheesy reality shows is going to be replaced by Disney Junior...

“This represents the next step in a global preschool strategy¹ that started 10 years ago with the introduction of dedicated channels overseas,” Ms. Sweeney said. Disney Junior will not feature advertising. It will be geared to a slightly wider demographic, ages 2 to 7, than other preschool offerings like Sprout and “Sesame Street,” which typically are aimed at ages 2 to 5.

...so, at least Bob Guza will have something to watch. Silver lining!

¹ I don't know what a "global preschool strategy" is, but it sounds amazingly sinister. I am envisioning multicultural armies of nursery school students doing Disney's bidding.

This Show Needs To Step Away from Ambiguity

I can't believe that I am going to launch into a discussion about whether or not a teenager who we have all watched grow up on-screen was raped in prison, where he is currently serving time for killing his stepmother, but here we are: Michael was maybe raped in prison.

Nothing, of course, was mentioned explicitly: when Jason arrived at Pentonville, he found his cellmate sitting on the floor, practically catatonic, not responding to anything Jason said, and when Jason tried to put a supportive hand on Michael's shoulder, Michael physically recoiled as if it were the hand of a cold-blooded hitman and not a warm-blooded, saintly hitman.

It makes me feel as though something more extreme than a prison beating happened.And it also makes me feel as though the writers are being deliberately vague about what happened to Michael in case there is a profound and vocal backlash. Like, "Prison rape? What?! That's not at all what happened. You people have some dirty minds". Well, this is assuming that the General Hospital writers would actually acknowledge negative feedback, as well as assuming that even the GH writers, delusional as I assume they are, could get a sentence like that out without bursting out laughing, since there are no minds in the universe dirtier than theirs.

I am hoping, though, that I am just a deranged individual jumping to the worst possible conclusion and that Michael really wasn't raped, because I don't have the stomach to see how poorly the writers would handle a delicate, serious issue. Remember Kristina's abuse? Robin's PPD? The way they managed to turn me off of chocolate cake?! There is no way the story would be anything but an utterly depressing, slow-motion trainwreck.

Speaking of slow-motion trainwrecks...

I may need to create a new category for blog posts called OMFG: Does he not realize that there is a camera on him, filming, and that people are going to watch this? Not many people, but still, people, because that question has been running through my head constantly whenever Maurice Benard appears on-screen lately. It's like he's sleepwalking, but also impersonating an especially awful community theater actor.

When he first confronted Johnny, he was speaking with some sort of lockjaw. Then he was making overwrought hand gestures that wouldn't be out of place in the dance routine of an early 90s boyband while repeating the word "my" about a thousand times.

Sonny: You just think you can move into my--my--my--my organization and take it over?

It was like when Milli Vanilli was exposed as a fraud, except the surprise here isn't about lip-synching, it's about an actor continuing to draw a hefty paycheck despite not fulfilling the major requirements of his job (learning his lines and acting convincingly like a human being).

And the Word of the Week is: "Finally!"

It seems like it'd be tough to have action-packed episodes when one evening is lasting two weeks on this show, but we've had them nonetheless.  It feels like a month ago that Shaun, Kelly, and Fake English Dude jetted off to New York City to see what was described as "the hottest musical on Broadway," which I assumed was left intentionally vague.  I had happy images of the three of them rocking out at American Idiot.  However, upon their return we learned that the hottest musical on Broadway is...

The Lion King??? Are we in 1997?  Maybe I should just give the props department the benefit of the doubt and imagine that Kelly and company just went to some Broadway souvenir shop that just happens to use bags with Lion King images?

After a week of pretty fun episodes, Friday opened with something very sad:

Oh yeah.  They're on this show.  We'd had a blissful five straight episodes without Rex and Gigi.  Now, I don't fast forward because hey, it's just not Serial Drama style to only come here and write about the good stuff, but it's honestly as if I did fast forward this storyline, because I don't remember what happened.  I think they talked the guard into letting them make a phone call and Rex called Bo but decided he didn't want to "disappoint" him and neglected to tell him they're in jail, but that doesn't seem like it would take up a whole episode.  Did it?  Did something else happen?

But I digress.  In "Finally!" news, the latter part of this week gave us: Langston got busted, Brody and Natalie hit the sheets, and Jess got her freaking memory back.  Will she be allowed to have her old personality back, too?

Well, hello!  That was hot.  (Finally!)  Afterward, when they were talking about how it wasn't effective in making the pain go away, I literally yelled out loud at the television, "Then do it again!"  Because they certainly didn't look like they felt bad in the act. Oh, and did I mention:

"Loser" About Sums It Up

One of my newest goals in life is to get more and more people to watch Parks and Recreation which is absolutely genius, and I plan to do this by inserting references to P&R into blog posts and everyday conversation so that you'll think to yourselves, "Hmm, maybe if I watch that show, I'll get that joke!" and then you'll watch the episode in question, and get hooked and then maybe more than forty people will tune in! Because it really is fantastic, and I know that I have given you literally no reason to trust my judgment when it comes to television (Exhibit A: All My Children. Exhibit B: General Hospital. Exhibit C: The Young and the Restless circa now. Exhibit D: Lifetime Movie Network. Exhibit E: The unfortunate time that I spent an entire day watching crappy and horrifying documentaries on E! and while I have that on my mind, can someone explain to me what "When Husbands Kill" has to do with entertainment? And also what Kendra Wilkinson has to do with entertainment, although I know you won't have any answers as to the latter because that entire phenomenon is just inexplicable).

Where was I? Oh, right, warning you about multiple references to Parks and Recreation. So, on this one episode, Leslie Knope is terrified about the prospect of having a disastrous first date, and her cell phone rings and she lets out this scream of horror and chucks the phone across the room.

That, my friends, is the exact reaction I have when I look at my DVR's synopsis of AMC. "Liza has it out with Damon". "Tad gets unexpected news". "Erica makes the wrong choice". "Marissa may give JR another chance". "Ryan". How is any of that supposed to entice me to watch my recording rather than throw my remote across the room and run away, screaming?

The problem with Damon being on so often (and it seems like he's on a whole lot, doesn't it? Especially since when he's not physically on-screen, people are talking about him) is that he has no redeeming qualities. Like...at all. Which I feel like we're supposed to ignore on account of the ADHD, but really, was there anybody watching who didn't applaud or nod their head in agreement when Liza said the following?

Liza: Colby, Damon is a loser. He doesn't deserve you, and he definitely didn't deserve to be a father.

I was all excited to see that they are finally redeeming Liza after her fiasco of a return to the show, but it turns out that we're not supposed to be on her truth-speaking side. We're supposed to be aghast at how cruel she was to poor, innocent Damon, who has the biggest case of sass-mouth this side of Drew Garrett's Michael Corinthos, and who uses violence to act out on his feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and thirst. Why on earth is Colby so hung up on him and not any other guy in Pine Valley? I need to stop thinking about this in case my memory drifts to Petey and then I'll get annoyed all over again that he's not on the show...

(Also, how lazy were the writers in getting rid of Baby Stuart? Like, they all of a sudden realized that it's less entertaining for their new version of Tad the Cad to have a kid, so they just hurriedly had Bailey call and admit to a paternity lie. First of all, way to not even hide the lack of effort you are putting into this, writers. And secondly, it does not make me feel bad for Damon! Stop trying to make Damon happen!)

This Show Is So Broken

I'm not usually the type who kicks people when they are down (and we, the remaining General Hospital viewers are down. Oh, goodness, are we ever down, all 18 of us), but I just have to recap our current situation.

We watch a show where the leading man is either completely incapable of or completely unwilling to string five consecutive words together into a coherent sentence.

Sonny: You know what goes on in prison? I mean, it's not like...it's not good. Not just, not just with the inmates, but with...the guards, too. So I'm doing everything I can to use...use my influence to get....

....

..........

(Glances off-screen, possibly at a cue card, possibly because he was distracted by an anguished bystander watching this uncomfortable bit of acting failure who is hysterically mouthing "Michael! Michael! His name is Michael! His name has been mentioned every day on this show since 1997! For the love of god, what is wrong with you?")

Michael released but, oh, I'm not, uh...nobody wants to back me up because of the, you know...election and all that.

And on this same show, the resident cuddly computer geek is the type of person who laughs--LAUGHS--at the thought of a hitman getting revenge on a cop. Bloody revenge, if you know what I mean, and I think you do and I think you let out a blood-curdling scream at this part of the episode and shrank away from your television in horror.

Carly: If Jason didn't go to prison, what do you think would happen to Dante?
Spinelli: (Lets out a peal of happy laughter at the very thought of Dante being murdered that also sounds like demented wheezing).

We watch this show. Does anybody else have the urge to run into traffic right now?

Soap Blog Coalition

Daytime Confidential's Jamey Giddens weighs in on General Hospital once again throwing all of it's eggs up into the air as the cast and crew scrambles to facilitate the latest brain fart ridonkulousness of one James Franco. (Daytime Confidential)

What did the nominees have to say about being honored for daytime's biggest prize? Check out On-Air On-Soaps Daytime Nomination Special with reactions from the stars on their 37th Annual Daytime Emmy Noms! (Michael Fairman Soaps)

This week the PVB is flashing back to the first wedding of Ryan and Greenlee. Fake pregnancies, deception, turrets, a pool and the Reverend Lovejoy! We got it all! (Pine Valley Bulletin)

As the World Turns' Henry and Barbara made the boredom in Oakdale evaporate and Mary Montanari wants this sizzling couple to hop off that twirling globe that is Oakdale and float off on a cloud to experience complete bliss when the world stops turning and the show goes dark. (Soap Opera Examiner) 

Was the One Life to Live musical event music to your ears? Did it make you GLEE-ful? Serial Drama's Louise dishes on the good, the bad and the awesome (interpretive dance!!!). (Serial Drama)

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

My Take
By Mallory Harlen

I've spilled a lot of virtual ink complaining about how little the writers of GH know about the legal system. The only thing they manage to get right is that trials have a judge and a jury, and even that they seem sort of shaky on (seriously, Coleman sitting on Sonny's jury is so ludicrous that it doesn't even deserve a sarcastic comment). And I complained early and often about Sonny's trial and its complete lack of suspense. It seems unnecessary to focus so much attention on a story where we can already figure out the ending. It also seems unnecessary to have so many characters knowingly and willingly commit perjury as if it were a noble action, but that's a rant for another time.

So it may seem crazy and hypocritical to be disappointed that the show turned down the chance to have another trial, but I am: Kiefer dying and not facing any repercussions for his abuse of Kristina is a seriously lame move. Why does everyone who leaves Port Charles exit in a body bag? And how have the writers lasted so long in the soap genre without knowing the word "payoff"? The audience watched this story brew for months, in brutal detail, and now we're cheated out of seeing actual justice for Kristina. Instead, we're given Alexis in another vehicular manslaughter story. I know I always ask for more Nancy Lee Grahn; I guess I should probably make sure that I include the phrase "in good storylines" when I make those wishes. Whole Grahn and Lexi Ainsworth (Kristina) have been completely stellar, I feel that they'd be equally compelling in a story where Kristina got to confront Kiefer for his abuse and have him admit to beating her. But the writers, as they so often do, opted out of being entertaining and just chose the easiest way out: killing someone off and then checking in on how it affects Sonny.