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« Our Column in the 5/18 Issue of Soap Opera Digest | Main | And Daytime Emmy Season Kicks Off! »

May 11, 2010

All My Tension Headaches

The good news? I figured out how to pay attention to an entire episode of All My Children! And I have two helpful suggestions to share.

1.) Play the "Laugh at lines taken completely out of context" game. It's fun! Like this, from Friday's episode:

Greenlee:  You're making me sick.

I mean, yes, she meant that Ryan's pacing was making her sick, but you guys, someone told Ryan that he was making them sick! It's like Greenlee read my mind and put it on national television.

And there was also Krystal fluffing Tad's ego today:

Krystal: You didn't blow anything.

"I'm the one who does the blowing, remember? You're looking sad, Tad. Can I offer you some sympathy?"

2.) Go to the gym from 1-2 and watch AMC there. You're literally a captive audience and can't escape it, and you can also motivate yourself to move faster by pretending that you are running away from Ryan Lavery!

The bad news? This show continues to be ass, not least because it INSISTS on clinging to the patently false notion that Ryan is the most wonderful person to ever walk the planet, as though having characters spout this nonsense is going to make us forget the existence of a sixty page document listing all of his misdeeds, color-coded on a scale ranging from "Kinda Douchey" to "EEEEEEVIL".

Madison: Ryan is a good man. I won't be part of anything that hurts him.

Greenlee: All I did was remind you what a good man you are.

Bitches be crazy.

Aside from that offensive lunacy, the show is just...unbelievably boring. Dullsville. Yawn City. I'm sorry, sitting and watching two people with a long, sordid history of cheating on their spouses boringly recap the latest infidelity to hit Pine Valley is not my idea of a good time. It's actually my idea of one of the circles of hell, since one of the participants in the conversation happens to be Krystal, who is a skank and also completely and utterly useless.

Their conversation then turned to Tad being Damon's father, and the guilt he feels and I thought to myself, "I shouldn't make statements about how Tad and Krystal talking about JR and Marissa is the most boring thing to ever happen, because AMC always loves to prove me wrong..."

Speaking of Damon: when I'm not tuning out while he's on-screen, I am marveling at how Finn Wittrock went to Juilliard. That is...not at all what I would have assumed based on his performance, but in fairness to this poor actor with the soapiest name ever, I can't imagine any actor really being able to pull off this mess of a character, who is supposed to be kind of a jerk, afflicted with ADHD and also a heart of gold. David Canary could make that, and more, work, but there is only one David Canary in the world and he happens to not be on the show anymore, and it has left me broken-hearted. You know the song that asks what becomes of the broken-hearted? What happens to them is that they watch AMC while they use the treadmill and wind up crying bitter tears in the middle of the gym, that's what happens.

Also: Erica stealing the documents Greenlee left for Jack was super childish and obnoxious.

Also also: it makes me sad to think about how much I continue to enjoy David and Greenlee together, when I can so clearly see the Ryan/Greenlee reunion looming in the horizon like a sexually ambiguous horror movie villain (oh, Sue Sylvester, how I love you and your insane phrases!).

Also also also: Jake and Amanda and zzzz....


I credit watching AMC at the gym for my recent weight loss. It works folks!

I know it's very "glass half full" but I feel lucky that we've had David and Greens for this long. They're going on five months now, and that's longer than I thought they'd get. The Greenlee/Ryan reunion is ultimate FAIL.

I would really like to see David and Liza together.

Bitches be crazy.

That's why I stopped watching. Crazy bitches are fun...bitches acting crazy b/c of Ryan? Not so fun.

If only I didn't have to be at school during the AMC hour, I probably could lose a good twenty pounds just watching- most of which would be from my endless laughter. I love Greenlee, but I hate her with Ryan. I am reminded of an extremely tan monkey whenever he walks on the screen. I've never liked him, and God willing I never become crazy enough that I actually will.

That said, I really do like the character of Damon, and I love him with Colby. He's the classic tortured soul, and is actually one of the more sensible characters on the show right now... not that that's really saying much.


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