Family Feud (Get It? "Family"? This is What I'm Reduced To)
Whether you describe it as an overactive imagination or with the ruder (though, perhaps, more accurate) term "delusion", it's no secret that I spend an exorbitant amount of time creating scenarios for what goes on behind the scenes at General Hospital in an effort to explain the inexplicable.
Today, I knew exactly what happened when these scenes were being filmed immediately, and that is Maurice Benard saying to himself, "Oh, damn it. Everyone is bringing their A-game today, on the one day this week that I decided not to learn my script. FML!"
Because REALLY. Over the course of Sonny's confrontations with, oh, everyone in Port Charles, the man encountered Dominic Zamprogna, Ingo Rademacher and Laura Wright bringing it, which made the long pauses where he fumbled for his next word, and his stammering and his over-the-top facial expressions really obvious in the bad and hilarious kind of way.
I mean, there was a point when he stormed into Carly's all enraged about the adoption plan and righteously yelled at her and had to pause to remember Morgan's name.
Sonny: There's no way in hell he's adopting...
...Morgan. Now, I gave you my word that I'd stay away from Morgan. Just drop this ridiculous idea of adoption 'cause otherwise I'll fight you tooth and nail.
You could actually see the wheels turning in his head! "There's no way in hell he's adopting...not Michael, he's in jail. Not the girl one...the little fella!"
Then there was the face he made when Dante agreed that Jax adopting Little Man was a great idea.
Which we can all agree is hilarious, especially when you picture him letting out a high-pitched, "Whaaaaat?", but I don't know that intentionally funny is what he was going for.
All of this was more noticeable than ever because the rest of the cast was clearly relishing the chance to shout at Sonny, and can we blame them?! It's what we all want out of life! These guys are living the Awesome Writer penned dream!
PART ONE: SONNY SPARS WITH HIS SON-NY (AND LOSES)
Dante: That's great, Sonny. I mean, wow, you're not going to change any aspect of your life, even if it means you're going to get your son out of prison. You're so desperate to have this death grip on your precious power. That's the only thing that matters to you.
Sonny: That's not true.
Dante: Prove it. Take your ego off the table. Let him adopt Morgan. It's probably the best thing for Morgan anyway.
(Also, please note that in all of these transcriptions, each of Sonny's lines should contain AT LEAST eight long pauses and a handful of stutters. I am not even exaggerating.)
Eww, Sonny had his ego out that entire time? Inappropriate!
Sonny responded like he always does when the person he's arguing with makes a true, reasonable and intelligent point: he whined.
Sonny: Your mother kept you away from me your entire life. I'm not losing another child, especially to him.
OMGZ, you guys, Olivia was soooo mean to poor Sonny, not wanting his shadiness to corrupt her child's life! She's the second tier villain in this scenario, behind, of course, the worst person to ever exist. I speak, of course, of Jasper Jacks.
PART II: SONNY IS SNITTY WITH SONS' STEPFATHER (AND LOSES)
Sonny is all pissy that Jax wants to adopt Morgan, right? And he's doubly irritated now that Dante agrees that this "stranger" (he actually referred to Jax as a stranger, as if they haven't known each other for over a decade and haven't been engaged in a lengthy blood feud that borders at times on homoerotic since the mid-90s), which means that whenever Jax made a rational point, Sonny pouted.
Jax: I know a way Sonny can contribute: suspend all illegal activities until Michael's released, because my contacts in Washington aren't exactly keen to help the son of a gangster. It makes them look soft on crime, but if I can convince them that you're concentrating on your legitimate businesses, we might have a prayer of someone lifting a finger to help us.
Sonny: The...problem, though, is that...I don't trust...you or your connections, so that's kind of... a tough situation we're in.
Yeah, it's a tough situation when law-abiding citizens have to deal with douchebags day in and day out. Weeble makes a fair point.
PART III: SONNY SHOUTS AT A SHREW, WHO SHOUTS BACK "SUCK IT, SADSACK"
His uncanny ability to react to criticism with an immediate, "Oh, yeah? Well, you're worse because [insert some crazy half-truth or bold-faced lie here, with numerous pauses and stutters]" was in rare form when he was at Carly's. I swear to you, the following line is not a parody. It actually happened. I rewound twice just to make sure I had heard it correctly and hadn't finally suffered a mental break.
Sonny: See, I think what you're doing is using Morgan as a pawn. You want Jax to adopt him because you know it's going to put a dagger in my heart. You know it's going to hurt me, and you call me selfish. What you should do is look in the mirror.
Ignoring the tortured structure of that sentence and the insane self-absorption contained therein, HE ACTUALLY TOLD HER TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR OMFG HE IS HAVING A SIX-YEAR-OLD PEN HIS COMEBACKS. IS THAT WHAT THE CORINTHOS CRIME FAMILY DOES? SELLS CHILDREN TO WRITE PEOPLE'S LINES FOR THEM?
Carly was not having any of it, though, and unleashed a long string of truth. It was, of course, too little, too late, and she is losing whatever credibility she had (so, like, a smidge) by focusing so obsessively on ruining Dante and Lulu, as if they are the biggest problems in this situation, but oh, was it beautiful.
Carly: You really think you're a good father. What have you done for your kids except get them shot, kidnapped and terrorized?
Sonny: Here we go, pointing fingers, blaming everybody but yourself.
Carly: Kristina was attacked. She lied about her attacker because of you. Michael is serving a prison sentence, really because you had to marry Claudia to increase your territory.
Sonny: Wasn't it Jax who knew Claudia got Michael shot and didn't say anything?
Carly: Don't try and flip the blame. This is on you. You say you're a good father, but you've never put your kids first. On the other hand, Jason is voluntarily going to prison so he can protect Michael. I don't see you putting your wrists out for cuffs. Jason is making the ultimate sacrifice just to protect your kid. The only thing you're being asked to do is step aside so Morgan can have a better life and you can't even do that. Screw you! Do you think it's some kind of wonderful carrying the Corinthos name? Because it's not.
Sonny: You liked the name well enough to marry me four times.
Carly: I did, and I was wrong. See, I can admit that I was wrong to want you for my kids father and now I'm trying to fix it. Get out.
Sonny: You're not taking my son.
Carly: What do you care? I mean, Jax adopting Morgan is not going to change your life. You still get to live in the big mansion, you still get to throw your weight around, you get to take your private jet to your private island and have all the exotic beach bunnies vie for your attention. See, nothing's going to change for Sonny and it's not as if you're all tapped out by helping Michael, because you've never done that either. That's been Jason.
Sonny: Of course, Jason. And maybe you're mad because he's going inside and it's not me, am I right?
Carly: You're damn right. I am mad about that because you know what? Maybe you'd be gone, then I could be free and clear of Sonny. My biggest regret was getting involved with you, and let's be honest Sonny, you don't deserve Morgan. You're way too self centered for anybody.
Does anyone else feel the urge to start a slow clap?
Also in Port Charles...
*The New Morgan looks like a cross between Josh Peck from Drake and Josh and one or both of the Savage brothers, which leads me to believe that he was created at some sort of Child Star farm.
*I loved how Sam was trying to rationalize Jason's RIDICULOUS decision to go to prison by saying it was the right thing, and then Spinelli leaped in with a dozen examples of bad things that could happen to or be done to Jason in prison and you could actually see poor Sam's face fall as he spoke. On the one hand, it's good that somebody was at least trying to remind her how awful this plan is, but on the other...learn to read a room, Spin.
*Kelly Monaco really made me feel guilty for following my trip to the gym with a piece of leftover cake (in my defense, it was my birthday cake, so I am kind of entitled, and also it was banana chocolate chip cake, which is a taste sensation). Girl's hot, is what I'm trying to say.
*Nikolas is a dick, no? First, he takes umbrage to Liz delicately referring to the situation with Spencer
Elizabeth: I don't understand why you're trying to force yourself into a role you're clearly not comfortable with.
Nikolas: "Clearly not comfortable with"?
Elizabeth: Come on, it's not like you've been the most attentive father to Spencer.
Nikolas: Yeah, as you continue to point out. That's changing.
Elizabeth: I know. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm just not comfortable with the idea of my child being raised a Cassadine.
Nikolas: Well, you should have thought about that before you got pregnant by one.
And then he gets all irritated that she's worried about Helena. Like, Helena's not your run of the mill wacky grandmother who might, at worst, do something crazy like teach your child Greek swear words. SHE IS A DANGEROUS PSYCHOPATH. Are we supposed to hate him? Because, if so, the writers are on target for the first time, oh, ever.