Serial Drama

When the Last Act Makes You Hold Your Applause

Eh.  The three musical episodes are over and I found the last one to offer the least.  Sure, the first two involved Pat Benatar, The Go-Go's, REO Speedwagon, and Cher, so it's hardly fair to hold the third to the same standards of awesome, but at least it moved some plots forward in big ways.

The sequence of Langston walking in on Ford and Karen was pretty spectacular in execution.  Shall we re-visit?

 

All the hard-to-identify body parts flashing on the screen followed by Langston's look of abject terror had to be the best thing going this afternoon.  Langston later being shocked -- shocked! -- that Ford was "cheating" on her was as soapy as it gets; this from the girl who has left her live-in boyfriend at the prom she brought him to in order to check on the guy she's cheating with to see if he's cheating on her.  Oh, it was juicy watching her buy his excuses because she deserves everything she's got coming to her.  I'm glad they didn't change directions and try to sell Ford/Langston as some sort of actual love story.

If I Could Turn Back Time, I'd Skip the Bad Music Video Editing

While I loved the first two numbers of Day 2 of One Life to Live the Musical (I especially loved the choreography in the first one... but sweet mercy the cross-fades and ugly digital images in "If I Could Turn Back Time" were a nightmare), it slowed down for me a bit after that.  I wasn't familiar with any of the other songs they did, so I assume that's a huge part of it, as was the episode's over-focus on Starr and Cole as the greatest love that ever loved.  It is pretty spectacular, though, to see so many of these people outside of their comfort zones.  Bree Williamson (Jess) is clearly not a singer, bless her heart, but there she is fully committing to it regardless.  Eddie Alderson (Matthew) is clearly not a singer... or a dancer... but at this point every time I see Matthew on my screen, my heart grows twelve sizes.  He could not be more wonderful and, even though I feel a little icky saying this about teenagers, was it just me or was the Matthew/Dani makeout scene kind of hot?

The bad news: when the hell did Dorian become such a hardcore Starr and Cole 'shipper?  From the way she was talking, you'd think half her awesome hats have "Sole 4evah!" embroidered on the inside of them.  That's fine if she hopes they stay together, but the show was laying it on triple-thick.  And now she's risking her position as mayor by facilitating a jail break (from a horrible jail with giant, private cells and free iPods, apparently) just so someone can go to the freakin' prom.  It's just a prom, people.  Seriously, I never went to a prom and look at me now!  Oh wait.  Bad example.

Family Feud (Get It? "Family"? This is What I'm Reduced To)

Whether you describe it as an overactive imagination or with the ruder (though, perhaps, more accurate) term "delusion", it's no secret that I spend an exorbitant amount of time creating scenarios for what goes on behind the scenes at General Hospital in an effort to explain the inexplicable.

Today, I knew exactly what happened when these scenes were being filmed immediately, and that is Maurice Benard saying to himself, "Oh, damn it. Everyone is bringing their A-game today, on the one day this week that I decided not to learn my script. FML!"

Because REALLY. Over the course of Sonny's confrontations with, oh, everyone in Port Charles, the man encountered Dominic Zamprogna, Ingo Rademacher and Laura Wright bringing it, which made the long pauses where he fumbled for his next word, and his stammering and his over-the-top facial expressions really obvious in the bad and hilarious kind of way.

I mean, there was a point when he stormed into Carly's all enraged about the adoption plan and righteously yelled at her and had to pause to remember Morgan's name.

Sonny: There's no way in hell he's adopting...

...

...

...Morgan. Now, I gave you my word that I'd stay away from Morgan. Just drop this ridiculous idea of adoption 'cause otherwise I'll fight you tooth and nail.

You could actually see the wheels turning in his head! "There's no way in hell he's adopting...not Michael, he's in jail. Not the girl one...the little fella!"

Then there was the face he made when Dante agreed that Jax adopting Little Man was a great idea.

Which we can all agree is hilarious, especially when you picture him letting out a high-pitched, "Whaaaaat?", but I don't know that intentionally funny is what he was going for.

All of this was more noticeable than ever because the rest of the cast was clearly relishing the chance to shout at Sonny, and can we blame them?! It's what we all want out of life! These guys are living the Awesome Writer penned dream!

REO Speedwagon and AC/DC, Soap Opera-style

Call me naive, but Friday's musical episode was a hell of a lot of fun.  Was I drunk?  I had a giant smile on my face the whole time, because that is the kind of cheese I can get into.  Would I want to see it every day?  Certainly not.  Am I psyched for two more days?  Oh hell yes.  I mentioned before that I never saw their first musical, and that is fine with me.  It sounds like that was jumping on the High School Musical bandwagon, while this one is more a jukebox musical ala Rock of Ages (and if you haven't seen it and you like your cheese this way, I highly recommend it) or Glee.  And sure enough, the number from the actual musical-within-the-show was easily the least interesting of the episode.  It also had some.... interesting choreography.

The performers were terrific, to be fair.  They looked like they were having a great time, despite it being the only number I watched just once.  It's the former drama teacher in me that makes my heart swell watching kids sing and dance, what can I say.

And what don't I understand?  Are we ever going to see this musical in its entirety, or are they just doing a handful of numbers from it as part of the three musical episodes?  I'm willing to suspend disbelief for whatever it is they're putting out there, I'm just a little confused about what that is.

They did a nice job using songs that would appeal to a pretty broad age range, showcasing singles that have had either a popular cover version or a second life in hipster-kitsch-land in more recent years, but originate from decades ago.  And -- y'all are going to learn way more about me than you ever wanted to know, but context is context -- you can't go wrong with the Go-Go's.  I have been obsessed with them much of my life; I'm not kidding when I say my most prized possession is a recording of their early works (back when they were still a punk band) on colored vinyl.  But what I loved most was getting to see characters who would never have scenes together get to sing and dance at each other... Roxy and Destiny!  Jess and Langston!  Layla and Roxy!  And my favorite, of course, was the little water ballet moment that happened during the bridge:

You can never go wrong with water ballet emulation.  Can you?

I Swear On My Mother's Life (No, really.)

Seriously, I swear on my mother's life that no living human would ever be attracted to the current state of being that is one Miss Jessica Brennan.  I can say that with total confidence, and have no idea why Cris couldn't.  It is unfathomable to me that Brody still wants her, it is inexplicable that Cris can't just tell her to get the hell away from him, it is beyond comprehension that Layla is feeling threatened.  I am just waiting for the moment that Brody sits and listens to her talk for five minutes straight and then says, "Oh.  Yeah.... nevermind all that."  She doesn't act like a seventeen-year-old girl with a soul and a conscience and regular teen weaknesses and crushes and neuroses, she acts like a 12-year-old sociopath.  Whoever it was that pushed Marty down the stairs and killed Melinda and... whatshisname... should make sure she has a little accident on prom night.  Speaking of prom night, Kelly Cramer's best moment of her entire return happened today when Jessica told her she was going to the prom:

This is how everyone should look at Jess.  Every time she opens her incredibly irritating mouth.  I'm seriously at this point thinking Clint and Viki might just kick her out of the house because they can't take it anymore.  (And can we also talk about the awesomeness of the ginormous mural of Roxy on the wall of the salon?  I couldn't love it more.  I simply couldn't.  Not that I'm loving Roxy too much at the moment, considering she just advised her kind-of daughter to make an ultimatum-based play for a man whose girlfriend just miscarried their baby a few days ago, but good old Rox never claimed to be one for timing or tact.)

Come to think of it, maybe it's Teen Jess herself who pushed Marty down the stairs and killed Melinda and... whatshisname (it's hard to care).  Perhaps she'll be revealed as the culprit sometime in the next few days, through song and dance.  Because, you know...

I'm sure I don't speak for everyone when I talk about how giddy I am for this, but I am.  I missed the first one (I pretty much missed any episode that aired in summers from 1998-2007, that's my confession, and I think perhaps it was in 2007?) and I honestly don't feel any loss for that, but this looks like cheesy, ridiculous insanity. 

Trust me, check back in this space soon; I'm sure I'll have plenty to say about whatever this is that's about to happen on our screens.  In the meantime, congrats to all the OLTL Emmy nominees (Brian Kerwin, Bree Williamson, Scott Clifton, and the many directors and designers), and of course a moment of silence for Brett Claywell not being on that list.

Destiny out.

Up Is Down, Right Is Left and Charles Pratt Is Outstanding

For all of my faults--and I am willing to admit that I do have many--I have to say that self-absorption is not one of them, so when I make the following statement, I am not being melodramatic and self-centered, I am being completely serious:

Charles Pratt was nominated for a Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Writing solely to spite me, because someone out there hates me and desires nothing more in the world than to see me weep.

It may seem a little far-fetched at first, but it's the only plausible explanation! I just can't conceive of anyone in the world considering the writing regime of Charles Pratt worthy of anything besides a public forum where bitter All My Children fans can hurl obscenities and/or tomatoes at his staff...unless there are ulterior motives at hand like making me cry, and now I am depressed at this wholly undeserved nomination AND the fact that someone in the world hates me that much! Tell me what I've done, mean-spirited secret enemy of mine, so that I will know how to fix it!

I mean, really. It is disturbing enough that the show was nominated for Outstanding Drama, but singling out the writing...I just....Outstanding Writing! That means that people think that Charles Pratt's writing is "distinguished from others in excellence"! And it also means that people think that what he does is writing and not word vomiting.

Soap Blog Coalition

Prom Night is upon the denizens of Llanview, PA, and excitement is bursting over, as one of the most anticipated events in a high schooler's life is set to play out over three, dramatic, explosive, melodic, "Starr X'd" episodes of One Life to Live, beginning this Friday, May 14. (Daytime Confidential)

Drew Garrett (Ex-Michael GH) gives his reaction to his Daytime Emmy Nomination, and how he has been moving on since he was let-go by the series. (Michael Fairman Soaps)

The Serial Drama girls react to the 2010 Emmy nominations, with lots of confusion, question marks and the occasional snicker at certain snubs, and one HUGE question (please imagine them asking this in shrill hysterics): Where on earth is David Canary's nomination?! (Serial Drama)

The WubTub Blog looks at snubs and hugs for this year's Daytime Emmy nods. Also, Lante cupcakes and a look at Wednesday's General Hospital. Who does NuMorgan remind the Wubqueen of? Hint: He wore a "Jets" jacket! (Wubs)

The Blame Game

When Carly dies (although I am sure that we will never see this on-screen for many reasons, including the obvious "The show has no other heroine, so why on earth would they kill off Carly?" and "Uh, General Hospital, the show, will die long before Carly does), I think that those surviving her should donate her body to science so that medical professionals can properly study the brain of someone who can only be described as DEMENTED BEYOND ALL REASON.

Carly: We're both responsible for what happened to Michael. Oh, we were so arrogant. And we thought we could lie and maneuver our way out of anything. And if this cover-up didn't go so horribly wrong, would we have ever admitted that the way we raised Michael was twisted and wrong? I mean, we didn't have a prayer of keeping that kid safe. And we didn't. And now Michael's paying the price.

Sonny: Permission not granted to take all the blame.

Carly: You don't think I'd blame someone else if I could? Let's start with Elizabeth, that sanctimonious bitch. Let's blame her. If she hadn't thrown herself at Jason that night at Kelly's, I wouldn't have ran to you and we wouldn't have devoured each other, betrayed our best friend, and jump-started that hideous cycle of disaster after disaster. Wouldn't have taken our son down with us, so, hell, yeah, let's blame Elizabeth. I already got a jump-start on hating her.

What the actual hell? As much as I'd like to write this off as an irrational statement made by a mother clearly unable to come to grips with what has become of her son, Carly says similarly deranged things all the time, so I have to believe that these are not the ramblings of a hysterical mother but, rather, the ramblings of a hysterical FUCKING NUTBAR.

Evidence for the "FUCKING NUTBAR" diagnosis was ample during today's episode, not just in word, but also in deed. After the jump, something so horrible, so disturbing and so done to death on this creatively bankrupt show that I don't feel comfortable having it appear on the main page, lest the authorities see it and bring charges against me for grossing people out, which may not seem like it's illegal, but in this situation it has to be, because SERIOUSLY.

And Daytime Emmy Season Kicks Off!

It's here! The time of year we've all* been waiting for**: Daytime Emmy nomination day!

*By "we" I mean "soap bloggers"

*By "waiting for", I mean "thinking about warily, if we think about it at all, because it's hard to get genuinely excited about a show televised on the CW [Edit--actually on CBS! Thanks for the correction, Jennifer!] with a budget of $64 that rarely, if ever, awards the gold statuette to the most deserving nominee. And also, what is the deal with the musical numbers?"

I watched Bree Williamson and that doctor from The Doctors announce a few of the nominees on The Early Show this morning, because...well, because I was up and bored, and it's already rainy and dreary, so what could make the morning worse? The answer to that question is Bobby Flay, folks. Bobby Flay and his smug face make things worse. Luckily, I didn't have to see him speak, but he smiled obnoxiously about, like, goat milk, and now I am even crabbier than I was when I woke up! Um, back to the nominees, though:

Outstanding Daytime Drama

All My Children

The Bold & The Beautiful

General Hospital

The Young & The Restless

Outstanding Lead Actress

Sarah Brown, General Hospital

Crystal Chappell, Guiding Light

Bobbie Eakes, All My Children

Michelle Stafford, The Young and the Restless

Maura West, As The World Turns

Outstanding Lead Actor

Peter Bergman, The Young and the Restless

Doug Davidson, The Young and the Restless

Jon Lindstrom, As the World Turns

Michael Park, As The World Turns

James Scott, Days of Our Lives

Outstanding Supporting Actress

Beth Chamberlin, Guiding Light

Julie Pinson, As the World Turns

Carolyn Hennesy, General Hospital

Arianne Zucker, Days of Our Lives

Bree Williamson, One Life to Live

Outstanding Supporting Actor

Billy Miller, The Young and the Restless

Bradford Anderson, General Hospital

Jonathan Jackson, General Hospital

Ricky Paull Goldin, All My Children

Brian Kerwin, One Life to Live

Outstanding Younger Actress

Christel Khalil, The Young and the Restless

Marnie Schulenburg, As the World Turns

Molly Burnett, Days of Our Lives

Shelley Hennig, Days of Our Lives

Julie Berman, General Hospital

Outstanding Younger Actor

Drew Tyler Bell, The Bold and the Beautiful

Drew Garrett, General Hospital

Dylan Patton, Days of Our Lives

Scott Clifton, One Life to Live

Zack Conroy, Guiding Light

That's...a lot to take in.

All My Tension Headaches

The good news? I figured out how to pay attention to an entire episode of All My Children! And I have two helpful suggestions to share.

1.) Play the "Laugh at lines taken completely out of context" game. It's fun! Like this, from Friday's episode:

Greenlee:  You're making me sick.

I mean, yes, she meant that Ryan's pacing was making her sick, but you guys, someone told Ryan that he was making them sick! It's like Greenlee read my mind and put it on national television.

And there was also Krystal fluffing Tad's ego today:

Krystal: You didn't blow anything.

"I'm the one who does the blowing, remember? You're looking sad, Tad. Can I offer you some sympathy?"

2.) Go to the gym from 1-2 and watch AMC there. You're literally a captive audience and can't escape it, and you can also motivate yourself to move faster by pretending that you are running away from Ryan Lavery!

The bad news? This show continues to be ass, not least because it INSISTS on clinging to the patently false notion that Ryan is the most wonderful person to ever walk the planet, as though having characters spout this nonsense is going to make us forget the existence of a sixty page document listing all of his misdeeds, color-coded on a scale ranging from "Kinda Douchey" to "EEEEEEVIL".

Madison: Ryan is a good man. I won't be part of anything that hurts him.

Greenlee: All I did was remind you what a good man you are.

Bitches be crazy.