Serial Drama

Our Column in the 5/18 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

The newest issue of Soap Opera Digest is on newsstands now, featuring interviews with Eden Riegel, Thaao Penghlis and Michael Learned, a look at One Life to Live's latest musical event and our My Take/My Take, Too column.

This month, Mallory looks at the legal drama unfolding in Pine Valley and Port Charles, and comes to the unsettling conclusion that All My Children did something far, far better than General Hospital (not that it's hard to be better than GH. It's just that AMC is rarely capable of even that). Becca's column, meanwhile, smells like teen spirit, focusing on the young folks on GH and Days. The former had a promising thing going for a while, but quickly ruined it, and the latter...there are not enough ways to say "No."

Also, this column marks our third anniversary writing for SOD, and we must thank the awesome Lynn Leahey and Stephanie Sloane for giving a couple of newbies the opportunity to put our [sometimes brutal] criticism in print.  We're forever appreciative.

In other, less artfully chosen words:  Holy crap, we've had license to bitch freely in Soap Opera Digest for three years, y'all! 

Tears, Fears and A Hilarious Silver Lining

If you know me at all, you know that there was a moment during today's General Hospital where my cynicism faded and I stopped looking for things to criticize, partly because I was genuinely happy and partly because there were so many things to criticize that my brain was becoming severely overloaded, and watched with child-like glee, clapping my hands and saying "Again, again!"

There is nothing about Bruce Weitz's over-the-top crazy that I don't love: the demented smile, the fits of rage, the delighted way he rattles of all sorts of sadistic quips. He is hilarious! Anthony is a monster, and he plays him like a monster and has such fun doing it. It's a welcome break from the other monsters on this show who do everything not with crazy zeal, but with self-righteous seriousness and who have the writers patting them on the head, saying, "It's not [his/her] fault that [he/she] does things like [kill for profit, order the killing of others for profit, lie about everything and everything including what channel How I Met Your Mother is on for no reason except that it gives her a thrill], it's just that [he/she] is [brain damaged and also good and pure, from an abusive household and also claustrophobic, brave and fierce and the epitome of motherhood". Bruce Weitz is like, "He's crazy, you say? I'll show you crazy!" before launching into a primal scream.

The scenes where Jason asked Anthony to give Michael protection in prison were one of the day's highlights (yes, highlights plural. There was another one! Read on!).

Jason, unsure of how to tell the unstable person in front of him that Michael killed his daughter: It was, uh...Michael, who killed Claudia, to stop her from taking Carly's baby.
Anthony, enraged: NO! It was Sonny who was supposed to do time for Claudia's murder.
Anthony, now in an "Aww, shucks" tone of voice: Oh, I was so looking forward to sharing my gruel with him.
Jason: The judge gave him five years.
Anthony: Well, at least the judge realized the value of my miserable daughter's life. Five years, huh?
Jason: Good behavior, he'll be out in two.
Anthony: I guess you want to make sure that I don't take my own revenge.
Jason: We all know that Sonny has enemies here and Michael's going to be in a lot of danger.
Anthony: Oh, let me count the ways: a Corinthos, 18 years old, fresh meat. He's like a basket full of cookies!

Anthony: Let me see if I have this right: this kid wacked my daughter and you want me to take him to my bosom and make sure that no one messes with him? I'll ask you again: what's in it for me?

Jason: The point is, I could have easily taken Johnny out, but I didn't. I need you to return the favor. I need you to protect Michael. No beatings, no rapes, no getting him involved in anything that's going to extend his sentence. Not just keeping this kid alive; I need you to keep him safe.
Anthony: What do you think this is, a summer camp?
Jason: Do you want Johnny to stay alive?
Anthony: I see. If we all hold hands and sing kumbaya, you'll guarantee the safety of my boy.

At the very end of the episode, when Michael finally got to Pentonville, he actually met up with Anthony, and it got me thinking...

Anthony: Well. Michael Corinthos. The third! Fancy meeting you here.

I know I am setting myself up for inevitable disappointment here, but the show could earn a lot of good will from me if they showed Michael and Anthony having some shenanigans. If we got even one hilarious montage set to Queen's "You're My Best Friend" out of Michael's imprisonment, the world would be a better place.

Am I Only Dreaming?

After years of fawning and gushing, and using the space between his first and last names as an excuse to let out a swooning sigh, it finally happened: I had a dream about Peter Bergman.

Regrettably, dreams provide very little exposition, so I have no idea what the circumstances of our relationship or friendship was, but in the dream, I was drinking tea, and we were both doing a crossword puzzle--in the future, if I ever try to make it seem like I am not a hopeless, ridiculous nerd, please throw this anecdote, in which I literally dream about doing crosswords, in my face to bring me back to reality and make me feel shame--and he was telling a story about something and even in my dream, I did the overlaugh that I would no doubt do if I ever met him in person.

Then my alarm went off. And when I turned my television on, it was still set on the Hallmark channel (Golden Girls, you guys! Not one of their feel-good movies. I like my made-for-TV movies to be poorly written trash, not, like, heart-warming or whatever. Oh, and Betty White hosts SNL tomorrow, which really has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but it is something that we all need to know and flail over), but it was so early in the morning that infomercials were on, and there happened to be an exercise infomercial with Cameron Mathison and Susan Lucci, and on the heels of my Peter Bergman dream, I had no idea what was going on and thought I was still sleeping, and I was incredibly confused and disoriented until I finished my coffee.

That feeling of being completely discombobulated came back in full force after I read Nelson Branco's interview with Hogan Sheffer and Maria Arena Bell, which is filled with enough delusion and nuggets of crazy that it could probably get one or both of them sent to a home in some states.

TVGuide.ca: Congratulations on all your casting coups! From David Hasselhoff and Marcy Rylan, to Eden Riegel, you guys have been very busy on the casting front. Would you like to tease us about your recent addition, Emmy winner Jeff Branson and film diva Sean Young?
Maria Arena Bell: We’re thrilled to have Jeff Branson on our show. We’re fortunate to have him in a short-term arc. He’ll air primarily over the summer in what I think will be a breakout role for him. I’d like to keep his story under wraps for now. But I can say Jeff will be very pivotal in the coming months.

Maybe it's me being once bitten, twice shy, but as soon as I hear someone say that they'd like to keep a new actor's story under wraps, all I can do is picture them scrambling furiously to write a story before the actor is due on set.

Also, I love the condescension there. "A breakout role" for the Emmy winning actor.

TVG: The Y&Rfans who post online are extremely livid with the show. Would you like to address their discontent with your writing team, especially your controversial decision to include not one but two doppelganger storylines?
MAB:. [...] It gave Tracey Bregman an opportunity to stretch herself as an actress and show a different side, a darker side, in this dual role. It’s a very short arc. But what it gives the audience is a tour-de-force performance from Tracey. You’ll see a very fun explosion this week. Tracey shouldn’t just win an Emmy Award for this portrayal, she should win an Oscar! You’ll see!

An Oscar. I just...you guys can read this, too, right? Because if you can, it means that it's not a hallucination and that she said that for realsies.

MAB: As for viewer dissatisfaction, I want to say I do visit the message boards. I do listen to our fans and critics. Sometimes when you’re watching a storyline unfold, you don’t know where it’s going and you get understandably frustrated. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It means people are watching and talking about our show. I’d be more concerned if fans weren’t talking about our show! A perfect example of that is the Adam Newman storyline. Everyone complained about Adam getting away with all his evildoings, yet [we surged almost 300,000 viewers in the ratings the week he was murdered — which proved at the end of the day that the audience really loved the story]. We always ensure there is a great payoff in all of our stories.

Does Bob Guza teach a course about how to be media savvy? If he did, Maria Arena Bell obviously enrolled and got a J+ (it's like an A+, but named for Jason Morgan, obviously), thanks to her keen ability to, in one breath, insult her viewers ("You guys don't know where the story is going and you get confused, and scared. And it makes you angry! And then you simple-minded angry people go online and complain!") and then brush all criticism off by saying that all press is good press, a statement that I'm pretty sure only she and Lindsay Lohan still agree with and when Lindsay Lohan is the only person high-fiving your insight, there is nothing left to say.

MAB: Just trust us.

No. Shan't.

There is much more at the source, and all of it will lead to you make the same confused and irritated face as the boys of Glee.

More on the fallout from the Sarah "story" to come later this weekend!

This May Be Even More Embarrassing Than Having Starred on Passions

Oh, Days of Our Lives.  Why would you revisit the dark days of mid-2008? 

Whiny, Grumpy Arianna:  I'm sorry, I have cramps, alright?  And I'm tired.  I'm tired.
Gabi:  Hey, what are you doing back there?
Ari:  Lookin' for this.

Gabi:  Midol.
Ari:  Yeah.  I gotta tell you, running between work and the hospital, I don't have time to go to the drugstore, so what do I do?  Keep a box of this, right here for emergencies.  It relieves the cramps, ::lowers voice, as if the discussion up until now has been fit for consumption by the pub's patrons:: relieves the bloating, and I'll be back to normal before we know it.
Gabi:  I can't wait.  I would like my sister back!

Stereotypes about women on their periods AND a mid-soap clunky infomercial?  But my birthday's more than a week away!

While I am bitching, the headline of the Spectator Stefano held yesterday, about the "Reunited DiMera's," made me twitchy.  Ratings are up -- they can't afford a proofreader?  To anyone out there who still thinks an apostrophe ever makes anything plural:  Why do you hate America?

That said, this show has otherwise been quite good lately.  I find almost nothing worth mocking, and blogging just to say how much I like something goes against most everything I believe in, so I've been quiet.  To any Days watchers left in our readership:  What do you think of the Salem goings-on of late?

Screencap courtesy of Sheryl's Days of Our Lives Screencaps.

Soap Blog Coalition

General Hospital has been on a roll with the build up to Michael’s testimony. Daytime Confidential’s Regan Cellura weighs in on the storyline’s culmination. (Daytime Confidential)

Last week was a tough one for AMC fans so this week the PVB rates the farewells... Adam and Palmer's. What did you think, were our grades fair? (Pine Valley Bulletin) 

The writing for GH characters when a new (or old) actor takes over the role changes so dramatically that the Serial Drama girls have had fun imagining how the Lucky/Michael scenes would have gone down with Greg Vaughan and Drew Garrett. The fact that this was the highlight of the week on GH says a whole lot, none of it good. (Serial Drama)

I have been shedding a few tears these days upon discovering Tea has just been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and the prognosis is not good. I have fallen in love with this character aptly portrayed by the accomplished Florencia Lozano. (Soap Opera Examiner)

Sunday Surgery with the Wubs! Flat Megan has her adventures in Missouri (and with poodles), more great May scoops and General Hospital dish. (Wubs)

The Plot Thins...

I remember one of the most heartbreaking moments of my sixth grade year was when my friend from down the street stopped by to tell me that she wanted us to stop wearing the corresponding halves of our "Best Friends" necklaces.  She'd gotten pretty close with a girl in her class and was no longer confident about who was her best friend and who was her, you know, second best friend.  I cried for an hour.  Clearly that was a far less traumatic experience than whatever Corresponding-Halves-Necklaces incident in the life of one of the One Life to Live writers.  Clearly someone thinks that such things can have serious, lasting resonance. 

But searching for your birth parents based on one half of a necklace that was left with you as an infant and is the only remaining clue to your parentage is... well, it's a pretty lame story unless it's set to music and there's a singing, dancing billionaire who tries to adopt you and introduces you to the president.  (Come to think of it, couldn't Langston have written about that for her not-even-laughable high school musical, instead of the rapist ex-con and his explosive family relationships?  They could've put Rex in an adorable red dress with a white sash with a red curly wig.)

On the bright (?) side, boy is this family starting to resemble one another:

It was great to see Roxy today after a while, the only character in that "storyline" I care to hear from, but I'd love to be spared seeing her only storyline forcing her to be a cheerleader for the unholy and obviously inevitable reunion of Rex and Gigi.

I Think I'm About To Become a 'Shipper

And my couple of choice is, quite obviously, Tracy Quartermaine and Awesome Writer.

For the most part, Tracy doesn't get a whole lot to do, because, well; she's a woman over 40, her last name is Quartermaine and she is not part of the mob so, really, we should be grateful that we see her at all and just suck it up and deal with the fact that we just see her for a half dozen scenes where she bickers, banters or snipes at people because at least she's alive when she does it, and not a ghost in a tracksuit!

But when Awesome Writer writes for her? It's reliably genius. When a fantastic actress and a good writer who is aware of an actor's strengths/character history/the English language join forces, it just...I swooned, a little bit.

Tracy: Why are you blaming Lulu for a situation you created? You stole Michael from the Quartermaines. You gave him to Sonny.

Carly: Oh, my god.

Tracy: You have nobody but yourself to blame for all this misery.  

Lulu: Tracy, I don't need you to fight my battles.

Tracy: I'm just stating fact. Why don't you go home and take care of your kid instead of ripping into Lulu?

Carly: Lulu and her twisted priorities are the reason why Michael's in lock-up. You should have called me the second Dante brought Michael home.

Tracy: It's a little late for that. Michael's had a lifetime of damage. Comes with the territory, I guess, when your father is a mob kingpin. You were the one that chose to marry Sonny. You are the one that chose to allow him to adopt Michael. What the hell did you think, he was going to grow up a choir boy?

Carly: I expected Lulu to care more about Michael than her boyfriend the cop.

Tracy: Don't misunderstand me. I have no use for Dante. My fear is he's going to be just as manipulative and a liar like his father. But Lulu chose loyalty to the man she loves. And given the hell you have unleashed in the name of loyalty to Sonny Corinthos, you have no right to criticize.  

I've been rolling my eyes and covering my ears this week as Carly has paced all over the courtroom shrieking and snarling like a howler monkey at those who have wronged her (I know that it's actually in character and I do, as ever think Laura Wright is doing a fantastic job, but HOLY GOD, is it difficult to listen to after a while) but I will gladly accept even more temper tantrums if they are always followed with Tracy Q saying something hilarious and true, in a voice dripping with acid.

The show's unparalleled failure at...everything is the only reason I can come up with for why the other writers aren't desperate to write for Jane Elliot. I mean, who wouldn't want her snarkily reading their words? Hell, I am busy trying to think of a way to entice her to record herself reading one of my blog entries.

Being Boring

I can't even tell you how many times I have sat down to write about All My Children and wound up fast asleep, drooling on my keyboard and having dreams that were more coherent and more interesting than recent episodes of AMC have been.

Well, I can't tell you that because, technically, the answer is "zero", because whenever I give AMC even a moment's thought after the end of an episode, I think to myself, "Isn't there something more fun you could be doing besides thinking about AMC?" And is something--many somethings! Like...ironing. Painting my nails and immediately taking the nail polish off to do it again, in a different color. Writing my signature on a legal pad, over and over. Counting how many times per half hour a commercial for (the seemingly vile, and we all know that I have few to no standards when it comes to trash TV) Pretty Wild airs. Watching C-SPAN.

The point is that this show is so boring that it makes commentary impossible. I mean, not ALL of it is boring, and what isn't is so poorly written and implausible (and silly! What's with Janet's 1960s nurse get-up?) that I could probably talk lots and lots about it, and, sure, I'd love to mention that the one storyline I have been wholeheartedly enjoying (David and Greenlee) is being tainted by far, far too much Ryan (and yes, when I say "far, far too much" I obviously mean "any, at all, ever. PS: Write him off the show") but then I'd type Marissa or Natalia's names, and any righteous irritation I had would just evaporate on account of the boring.

If you are one of the (very) few people still watching: what are your tips for staying awake for an entire episode and having enough energy after it ends to crack jokes at its expense? Coffee? Illegal narcotics? Obsessively watching the facial expressions of extras in the background in hopes of something hilarious? I welcome any and all advice.

Don't Look Back In Anger

I have practically made a career out of criticizing General Hospital and how epically it fails in nearly every conceivable way, but I can almost always be counted on to compliment (sometimes genuinely and effusively, sometimes half-heartedly, sometimes soaked with gallons of faint praise) the show's actors, or the majority of the show's actors, at any rate. They're almost always so good, and it's especially noticeable since the show's writing, editing and production values bring new meaning to the phrase, "OMFG, what the hell is this?"

Then there are days like today where everyone decided, "Enough of this. Why let my subtly expressive eyes have all the fun?! Come on, throbbing neck veins, let's show them how it's done!"

It was weird, how rage-y everyone was, although the image of Bruce Weitz watching this somewhere*, with a tear in his eye, saying, "You did good, kids. You did good" makes me want to shrug my shoulders and just roll with the camp. 

Why was everyone so furious, you wonder? Most of them were mad that Dante exists because, according to the town's murderers and mob molls, he is literally the worst human being to ever walk the planet.

Lulu: I'm respecting what Michael wants.
Carly: No, you are trying to rationalize. You're telling yourself anything to justify choosing Dante over your family. Michael needed you and you threw him under the bus.
Lulu: Yeah, I believe in Dante. I am on his side and I am not apologizing for that.
Carly: Then you're a selfish bitch.

Sonny: You didn't step up. YOU DIDN'T STEP UP. You turned him into the cops! Don't act like you did a good thing here!

Carly: Every time you wanted to talk about Johnny, or wanted to talk about Dante, or wanted to talk about YOUR MOTHER, I was there for you. And the one time I need you, you turn your back.

I can't even do justice to the acid in Carly's voice when she mentioned Laura.

And Lucky was mad at Jason, which (a) was awesome and (b) basically just confirms that he's going to hell or will at least be on the receiving end of some sort of humiliating storyline twist because Bob Guza just can't have that.

Jason: Does anyone know that you found Michael?
Lucky: I can't just act like Dante didn't tell the court that Michael did it. You understand what I'm saying?
Jason: Lucky, please.
Lucky: Stop living his life for him! It's over!!!

Luckily, Jason has no hard feelings. The only feeling he has for Lucky are positive ones, and the "i" in positive is dotted with a heart.

Jason: Lucky pulled a gun on me and I swear to you, if it was anyone else I'd have taken them out. But I don't want to hurt Lucky.

That's adorable, disturbing and sad all at once. Adorable, because holy mancrush, Batman!  Disturbing, because he's way too open about the fact that he's willing to kill cops (and to say that in a police station, of all places!). Sad, because Sonny's been dumped and he doesn't even know it.

*Not to slander Bruce Weitz by implying he has nothing better to do with his time than watch GH, or anything...

Confessions of a Teenager and a Drama Queen

Now that the truth about Claudia's death is out in the open, thanks to Dante's storming into court to yell it out in the most dramatic fashion possible, I hope we are treated to a scene of at least one Port Charles resident hearing the news and asking their scene partner, hopefully in a snide tone of voice, "Uh, then couldn't this whole rigmarole have been avoided by Michael telling the truth about this obvious case of self defense in November? Way to waste everyone's time, morons", because HONESTLY the stupidity of this whole cover-up continues to gall me months after the fact, especially since the people doing the covering-up couldn't even do it properly, what with Michael managing to hold onto a key piece of evidence in the form of a bloody shirt. I realize that this is a controversial thing for someone in Port Charles to say, because it requires verbalizing doubt in the town's religious figure, but it's something that needs to be said and the worst that can happen is that they'll get damned to hell for all eternity, and I'm pretty sure that hell has a 24-hour loop of this show playing constantly, so it's not like it's anything they aren't used to.

That Port Charles citizen will be in good company, though, because after Friday's episode, Lucky Spencer will definitely be on the receiving end of some Jason Morgan ordered fire and brimstone.

Not only did he disobey Jason, which is shocking enough:

Jason: Hey, hey, hey! Michael, you're coming with me.

Lucky: That's not gonna happen, Jason.

Jason: Lucky, just turn your head and let the kid walk away.

Lucky: I can't do that.

He ALSO pointed out what a horrible idea the cover-up was, although he did it more politely than I'd have liked:

Lucky: I'm sure in that moment jason's only thought was protecting you. Now, he's usually a pretty clear thinker, but when someone you love, especially a child you love is at risk, sometimes you just panic.

Michael: Jason doesn't panic.

Lucky: Well, he must have that night. Because if somebody would have been thinking clearly, they would have called the police. Forensics would have backed up your statement and claudia's death would have gone down as self-defense. But when you're terrified, all rational thought just goes out the window. You fall back on what you know, you go with your instincts. A cover-up just becomes automatic. I know this for a fact, because that's exactly what my father would have done.

And THEN held a gun on Jason!

And it was seriously like someone saying, "They've had a long week, let's give 'em something awesome as a treat".

Lucky's parts of the show were the best, which leads me to believe that Awesome Writer had the chance to work his magic while the rest of the writers scrambled to make it seem like someone else was the bad guy in this whole situation, and not Sonny, Jason or Carly. First, he adorably confirmed plans to go to a father-son picnic with Cam. What is not to love about that sentence?!  And THEN he did what no one else could: he found the dopey teenager who's roaming around town when he's supposed to be hiding.

How much did you love that, by the way? I loved it a whole lot. I'm still not exactly sure why it took Jonathan Jackson returning to the role for the writing staff to realize that Lucky Spencer needn't be a slow-witted character trotted out for random cameos, but I do appreciate it. Can you imagine how this would have gone down if Greg Vaughan were still in the role, and his Lucky was given the task of finding Michael? He'd walk around town aimlessly for a few weeks, bumping into Michael at least three times, and each time being decieved by Michael's lame attempt at a disguise, seeing Michael in a sombrero and walking away pleasantly, saying, "It was nice meeting you, Miguel!"