Up Is Down, Right Is Left and Charles Pratt Is Outstanding
For all of my faults--and I am willing to admit that I do have many--I have to say that self-absorption is not one of them, so when I make the following statement, I am not being melodramatic and self-centered, I am being completely serious:
Charles Pratt was nominated for a Daytime Emmy for Outstanding Writing solely to spite me, because someone out there hates me and desires nothing more in the world than to see me weep.
It may seem a little far-fetched at first, but it's the only plausible explanation! I just can't conceive of anyone in the world considering the writing regime of Charles Pratt worthy of anything besides a public forum where bitter All My Children fans can hurl obscenities and/or tomatoes at his staff...unless there are ulterior motives at hand like making me cry, and now I am depressed at this wholly undeserved nomination AND the fact that someone in the world hates me that much! Tell me what I've done, mean-spirited secret enemy of mine, so that I will know how to fix it!
I mean, really. It is disturbing enough that the show was nominated for Outstanding Drama, but singling out the writing...I just....Outstanding Writing! That means that people think that Charles Pratt's writing is "distinguished from others in excellence"! And it also means that people think that what he does is writing and not word vomiting.
Just so we're all on the same page, this is what people consider "Outstanding": a year that includes
- Bianca and Reese at the greatest lesbian love story of all time, if you ignore the fact that one of them was not written as a lesbian and was also, without a doubt, the worst human being on the planet (I know that you're all surprised that I didn't give Ryan Lavery that title, but I prefer not to acknowledge that he and I are the same species and consider him some sort of alien being)
- Greenlee flying off of a cliff in her wedding dress and making everyone all sad, especially Ryan and Kendall who were so overcome with grief while identifying her body that they immediately had sex, marking the beginning of the long and painful decimation of a popular couple that was half-heartedly resolved by the end of the year because Thorsten Kaye and Alicia Minshew left the show and ohmigod, can you imagine what would have happened to Zach and Kendall if they had stayed?
- Our fearless leader blaming Eden Riegel for the fact that his storyline was utter garbage and then publicly implying that his cast was a bunch of immature no-talent losers who could in no way compete with the acting talents of Jamie Luner. Untalented AND an ungracious ass. What a winner!
- A...thing that happened between Erica and Ryan
- Liza faking her pregnancy because who the hell even knows
- Jake and Amanda faking Trevor's death and then abandoning him at a church with hopes of legally adopting him later
- Aidan suddenly being crazy and going on the run with Kendall, evilly
- The MURDER of STUART CHANDLER, one of the most beloved soap characters of all time
- Wrapping up the MURDER of STUART CHANDLER with a "shocking" "twist" where you could almost hear Pratt thinking, "Stuart's dead and you want to have your mind BLOWN? His TWIN did it! Boom! Roasted!", which is offensive on its own but made doubly so by all of the interviews Pratt gave to the soap press patting himself on the back for how ingenious this twist was and OMFG, the hate, it burns!
Can someone identify any part of that as being worthy of chance to win an award? Worthy of a prison sentence for treason, yes, but not an award! Ugh, I can't even, especially not when David Canary wasn't nominated for his stellar work at carrying the entire show. He seems like too much of a gentleman to ever do so, but I'd so like to see him kick Pratt in the kneecaps.
I think the worst part of all of this, besides how it is like a stab in the face to the soap writers who weren't nominated and the way it reaffirmed Pratt and Frons's belief that killing Stuart Chandler was a totally good move, is that somewhere, Charles Pratt is taking a break from growing an unkempt unemployment beard and squirting Easy Cheese into his mouth and doing a particularly smug version of Grace Adler's "Told You So" dance and that, people, is a vision that fills me with rage. It's bad enough that this is actually HAPPENING, but to know he's probably getting joy out of it makes it ten times worse.