Why Does This Show Confuse Me So?
I always feel uncomfortable publicly asking for clarification on the events that unfolded on General Hospital, because I don't want to give Bob Guza the satisfaction of feeling as though he one-upped me. "Oh, some people just don't understand my art. It's just too complex for them."
(Not that I think that he has Serial Drama bookmarked and, like, reads it everyday or anything. I'm not so self-absorbed! Although, events from my nightmares do so often become GH plots that I have to wonder...)
But, embarrassing though it may be, I am going to go on the record with these GH questions in hopes that one of you intrepid readers may have answers for me and can clear up all of the confusion. I am, of course, not including the two biggest GH related questions that I have (1. Why does Bob Guza still have a job? and 2. Why do we all still watch this show?) because the answers to the former will lead to a lot of theories that, while likely true, could get us sued for slander and answers to the latter...well, those will just be depressing as hell.
Why on earth do the writers insist on featuring Patrick so rarely, and when they do feature him, they highlight his least attractive qualities?
So, I know that you may have forgotten this, because the show hardly ever mentions it and it's not all one of Patrick's lone defining character traits, but the thing about Patrick is--wait for it--cocky. He thinks he's the best doctor to practice medicine in the history of ever.
Why is this the one note the show lets him play? When Lisa had Steve perform surgery with her, Patrick predictably flipped his shit in the most petulant, obnoxious way possible and then let his irritation with Lisa spill over into irritation with Robin and then he practically started crying angry tears when Steve and Lisa returned with word that the surgery went well.
Patrick: Don't get all hot and bothered. I'm not getting into your personal business.
Lisa: I'm glad to hear that.
Patrick: Okay, good, just make sure you keep it professional around here [HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Being professional at GH? I am so sure!--Ed.]
Lisa: What are you talking about?
Patrick: What are you going to tell motorcycle guy when he wakes up half the man he was? That the Chief of Staff has the hots for you, so you decided to throw him ab one, sorry it had to be yours?
Lisa: Are you frigging for real?
Patrick: Lisa, you know I'm the best surgeon for this.
Lisa: Yeah, Patrick, we all know how brilliant you are. But Steve is a trauma surgeon, and that is what my patient needs. As far as the rest, I'm going to ignore the fact that you just accused me of endangering a patient to further my personal agenda because I am nice like that, and I know it was your oversized ego that was talking.
I think the "self love" part of Patrick's brain is so large that it rendered the "good comebacks" part of his brain useless. "Mmmhmmm"? You tell her, Pattycakes!
He was equally pissy with Robin, who tried to be good-natured about it all.
Robin: Steve threatens your rock star status around here.
Patrick: Give me a break, Steve is a desk jockey at best.
That's slightly better than "Mmmhmmm", and way better than his reaction to Lisa's bragging about the surgery.
Lisa: What Steve is trying to say, in his modest way, is that we rock the universe.
Patrick: Restrains himself from vomiting all over the hospital, out of hatred
I love how these people are on the show so rarely, and when they do get to be on-screen instead of extras and dayplayers who get more camera time than they do, it's just to play out the same tired lameness. GH Writers: you have YOUNG, HOT, MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. Long-running television series are based on that premise. Why can you not think of something to do with them?
Why was Jason giving Michael lessons on how to fight in the middle of the prison yard?
Like, way to announce to all of Pentonville that Michael is weak! Jason's words, not mine...
Jason: You already have an advantage. You're young, you look weak and vulnerable.
And it's true. Boy has the kind of puppy-dog eyes that would be right at home on a poster in Bop that seventh grade girls can then hang up in their lockers.
At this, Michael had one of his first freakouts in a long time. Remember when he used to get inappropriately rage-y when, like, Carly finished the last of the Coffeemate creamer?
Michael: What are you trying to say? I look like a victim? You think I should just stand there and take anything everyone else dishes out and not fight back? Jason, you have no idea how hard I fought.
Um, it still seems like this all should have gone down in their cell.
What the hell is with Brook Lynn's accent?
I've recently gotten into True Blood, since it's on OnDemand from the beginning and since it will actually have new episodes this summer when everything else is in repeats, and it's a nice, soapy diversion, but I find myself so distracted by how HORRIBLE some of the accents are. I mean, REALLY. Tara? What is that?! It's worse than when Oscar pretended to be from Savannah on The Office. The best accent was from the guy who played Rene, and it was the hardest accent and it turned out the character was faking his accent. What this tangent is trying to tell you is that I am seriously sensitive these days to bad accents and boy, is Adrianne Leon's bad. Also, her face doesn't move. It's freakish! I mean, she's still lovely (and always was lovely), but...it's like Nicole Kidman's shiny, immobile face.
Did they bring Skye back just to make cameo appearances in which she makes good sense?
Skye: Jax, I get it. You hate Sonny. And it's sweet to think that you can save Michael by putting him away, but friendly reminder: you tried that already. It didn't work out so good, did it?
I mean, it's always nice to have a voice of reason around who can remind Jax that, yes, we all know that you have a vendetta against Sonny. We haven't forgotten since the last time you mentioned it eight minutes ago! And freaking really, Jax, you were JUST trying to put Sonny in jail and it BLEW UP IN YOUR FACE and set your life on FIRE, and you're all game to do it again? The hell? It just seems like it's a waste for that to be Skye's only purpose.
Who told Ingo Rademacher that the buzz cut is a good look?
What the hell, Max?
Max: If Dante offered you this deal, you can't trust him.
Sonny: It wasn't Dante. I--I---I--I made the deal with Claire Walsh and she...agreed.
Max: I don't see how trusting a lady prosecutor is any better than trusting a cop.
He was, like, repulsed by the "lady" part of "lady prosecutor". Shut up, Max.
Is Dante carbo-loading for a marathon?
Why did Lulu buy him that much bread?!
Did anyone else get really annoyed at the recap of Sonny's adversaries turned lovers?
Lucky: Proceed with caution. You don't want your name added to the list of female officers of the court who took Sonny on and ended up with more trouble than they bargained for?
Lucky: Hannah Scott, Reese Marshall, Alexis Davis. All of them...eventually succumbed to his charm
I find it offensive that the writers are going to rip themselves off AGAIN and are making light of the ripping off. Like, "Haha, aren't we cute, getting inspired by the show's history?"
Why is Jane Elliot so awesome, even in stories that don't deserve her full effort?
Tracy: Can you get your women to stagger their visits? It's getting a little claustrophobic for me. And by the way, did I mention that I HATE being chloroformed, kidnapped and thrown into a damn dungeon?
As long as she is hilarious, I am going to watch her scenes, even when they are poorly written and stupid. My life would be so much better if she would just half ass it once in a while!
Was I the only one who scoffed, "Not even a little bit, Dante"?
I really enjoyed Dante and Lucky both psychoanalyzing Johnny (correctly--it is about time that someone reminded Johnny that his sister was...um, horrendous in every way), but come on!
Dante: [Johnny's] a weird combination. In business, he's logical and detached, but he's got buttons. You push 'em, he's as nutty as his old man.
NOBODY comes close to the hilarious crazy of Anthony Zacchara. Even at his most irrational and reckless, Johnny seems placid and soothing compared to his father.
Is it just me, or did Maurice Benard give his best performance in weeks when he was making slightly homoerotic comments to and about Johnny?
I've been painstakingly documented the stammer-filled mess that has been Maurice Benard's body of work lately, but there was a spark in his plot against Johnny, and his new interest in this turn of events caused him to learn his lines. They were just...sexual lines.
Sonny: So Johnny wants me badly, right?
Sonny: Hope you enjoyed your stroll, Johnny Boy, because I'm about to make you beg for mercy.
I think he was striving to be threatening, but he landed on saucy, and it was delightful.