Serial Drama

Decent Bits and Pieces

I hope you guys are sitting down, because what I am about to say will surprise you you, and I would feel really guilty if you read this while standing and then fell down from shock and hurt yourself: All My Children this week has given us several seriously entertaining moments.

While I am bossing you all around, let's take a moment (you can sit or stand, I have no preference) to reflect upon how sad it is that finding a handful of interesting moments on this show is so rare that it calls for celebration.

It's true, though: if you slog through the majority of the show, which continues to be more boring than...I am drawing a blank on something of comparative dullness. It's possible that there is nothing else quite so yawn-worthy (except, maybe--and it's totally sad that this is the first thing I think of when I think of "really boring", like even before I think of televised bowling--the early chapter in all of The Babysitters Club books where Ann M. Martin's ghostwriter feels the need to recap the history of the BSC and the personalities of all of the members, as if we're jumping in blind with #62 and have no idea that Kristy is a tomboy). Whatever--if you look past most of the show, there are some gems.

Like, say, Annie and Marissa's catfight. That's probably not the best way to describe their scenes, since it implies that they were equal participants in the fight. What really happened was that Annie was a bitch on wheels and hit Marissa where it hurts, and Marissa lamely responded with things like, "You're a bad person". The two of them are in completely different hemispheres when it comes to verbal sparring, and Annie is well aware of it.

Annie: The real person to blame for JR sleeping with me is you. If you weren't such a boring little mouse, JR would have never had sex with me. I can understand why you feel threatened: pink flannel wife, or hot, sexy and exciting.
Marissa: What is so exciting about you? The way you lie and cheat? Is it sexy to be with a woman who murders, or who kidnaps her own child? Yeah, sex with a crazy person might be kind of fun, but in the end, that's all it is: sex. Just ask Adam, he left you for a better woman the first chance he got and Scott's going to do the exact same thing as soon as he realizes that you'll just bring him down.
Annie: That won't happen. And don't underestimate sex! People can talk about wanting to marry their best friend. Well, if that best friend isn't good in the sack, there's no chance at wedded bliss. I should know, it happened with Adam. The second he stopped sleeping with me, I knew we were done.
Marissa: Oh, so you slept with my husband to save your marriage?
Annie: And you're not sleeping with him to save yours? Tell me, how's that working out for you?
Marissa: Stay out of our marriage!
Annie: You're the one who's playing games here. What you're doing to JR, withholding sex from him until he can prove something to you? Prove that he's a loyal, faithful, obedient husband? Prove that he's worthy of your extra special pink flannel love? He's not a dog! He's a man, he's a sexy, passionate, amazing man, so you know what? Continue carpooling to all of your playdates, but you will never be a match for him.

Calling Marissa a "pink flannel wife" is so amazingly spot-on. I am crazy jealous that I didn't coin that phrase first. You bested me this time, AMC writers. 

Desperately Seeking a Descriptor

It seems so long ago that Patrick Drake could appear onscreen without the audience performing a synchronized gag/eyeroll combination, doesn't it? If I didn't have a blog that serves as an archive of all of my soap related thoughts, I would scarcely believe that there was once a time that I exhibited slavish devotion to Patrick and described his every action as being "hotly" done.

Then Night Shift, season one, came along and effectively murdered the "hotly", which was replaced with [REDACTED]. The [REDACTED] was then lifted for good behavior and he went descriptor-free until recently, when I floated the notion of using the word "pissily" because ohmigod, what a petulant brat he can be, but this week, "pissily" flew out the window and I am at a loss, which is where you all come in.

Lisa: Yeah, because you think that you can slow-dance with me whenever you want, right? Well, that's not gonna happen, Patrick.

Patrick: You're not gonna be happy with Steve Webber.

Lisa: Ok, you would love for me to pine for you while you're happily married--or at least, that's what you keep telling everyone--and just wait for whatever crumbs you feel like throwin' me. All right, well, that is not gonna happen.

Patrick: You've been tryin' to get my attention for months. Well, you have it. So what are you gonna do with it?

While disgusting, this was in character for Patrick, who has an established history of using cheesy and awkward come-ons.

Later...

 
Patrick: Don't act like that kiss came out of nowhere. You've been flirting with me for months in front of Robin, reminding me of all the college days, making sure I remember what it used to be like. Asking me for a consult in the locker room so I could see you half naked.

I really enjoy how he is trying to have the upper hand in this conversation by admitting that he's completely aware that she's been relentlessly flirting with him and trying to entice him, and that he did nothing to stop it. THE HIGH HORSE WILL BUCK YOU RIGHT OFF FOR THAT, PATRICK.

Daytime Emmys Recap: Worst Dressed

Nearly every aspect of the 2010 Daytime Emmy Awards can be described with the word "Worst." And "horrible." And "Ohmigod, seriously, why is this happening?!" Some of the fashion choices were no exception and we found ourselves briefly grateful that there was no red carpet show, because our exposure to some of these ensembles was therefore limited.  Blinding could have resulted upon more extensive viewing!

(Although, if we had been blinded, we wouldn't have had to sit through the rest of the ceremony, so now we're back to being annoyed at the lack of the pre-show.)

The Emmys featured looks that ranged from the uninspired (a cheap looking prom dress? How chic!) to the ill-fitting to the downright hideola. Below, our picks for Worst Dressed of the 2010 Daytime Emmy Awards.

Melissa Archer

Melissa Archer is a repeat offender when it comes to looking horrendous at the Daytime Emmys. Girl, just because eighteen people watch this broadcast doesn't mean that you can completely disregard things like "taste" and "fit" and have a dress custom designed by Fredericks of Hollywood. Hideous.

Daytime Emmys Recap: Best Dressed

You had to travel over the river (of HORRORS) and through the woods (of "SERIOUSLY, DID THAT JUST HAPPEN AND IF SO WHY?") to find it, but there was some good nestled in the 2010 Daytime Emmy Awards. Not good production values, or good hosting, or good recognition of daytime dramas, or a good red carpet pre-show, because none of those things existed last night. But good fashion did!

The Daytime Emmys gave us a few (literally, a few. See above, re: no red carpet pre-show) glimpses of pretty people looking gorgeous. Which, as we're sure you're all aware, is what we're looking for from our soap-related bashes.  Below, our picks for the Serial Drama Best Dressed List for the 2010 Daytime Emmys.

Maura West

Maura West easily could have looked like a bride in this gown, but the fit, the pop of color in her hair, and her hair and makeup ensured no bridal implications whatsoever.  We don't know how a blond looks so good in white -- repeatedly! -- but we commend her.  (And also want her to join one of our shows...)

Chrishell Stause

FLAWLESS. As in, "SHE HAS NO FLAWS". And we can't even hate her because she seems so utterly sweet. So we'll settle for just gazing at her pretty and sighing.  (Yes, the dress is a bit "dinner with Captain Steubing on the Love Boat," but in a GOOD way.  ....Alright, it's possible we can't see past her gorgeousness.)

The 2010 Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza

Becca:  Eeeeee, starting!
Mallory:  Eeee!  "A CBS Special Presentation" makes it seem so classy.
Becca:  "Special" could mean many things.  And "With Frankie Avalon"?!  What?  Have I time-traveled?
Mallory:  I am either too young or too old to appreciate the relevance of most of these people.
Becca:  Or perhaps too "having a life"?
Becca:  For real, David Copperfield is opening the show? Because he was last relevant when Frankie Avalon was on the charts?
Mallory:  What is going on right now, seriously?

Becca: That magic act was insane, but they just showed James Scott looking gorgeous, so I'm OK.

Mallory:  I just Wiki'd Copperfield to see how old he was, and they claim that he is "best known for his combination of storytelling and illusion"
Mallory: I'd argue that he's best known for cheese and dating Claudia Schiffer. Neither are accomplishments to be proud of
Becca: Dating Schiffer, most definitely

Becca:  OMG, Reg did not just make fun of La Lucci!
Mallory: Ohhh, awkward

Becca:  and then called her fat?!
Mallory:  Ronn Moss's formal scarf/mullet comination is amazing.
Becca:  It so is.  Not amazing is this monologue. It's like the worst 70s talk-show one-liners all combined into a rant.

Becca:  Okay, Don Rickles?  What is the target age of this broadcast? I feel like I'm not wearing enough support hose to watch. (I mean, I'm wearing SOME, obviously.)

Mallory:  Well, it IS CBS
Becca:  Good point.  Kelly Monaco's dress is pretty, I think, but my god she is shiny
Mallory:  I love Jonathan Jackson, in case you'd forgotten

Becca: You're very quiet about it, but I think I recall that from waaaay back.  Oh!  Yay, Julie Pinson! Go, her!  And she looks fabulous!

Mallory: Julie Pinson is amazing and gorgeous, and all sorts of good things
Becca:  She really is. I loved her "oh my GOD!" at the end.

Mallory: Ryan Seacrest is taking over all media, isn't he?
Becca: Unfortunately, yes. I fear he will soon start writing chick lit and then I will truly be unable to escape him.

Becca:  The Spinners?! I swear, my grandmother would think this lineup is a little dated.
Mallory: WHAT YEAR IS IT?
Becca:  I can't remember, because Seacrest's spray-tan has poisoned my brain.

Countdown to the Emmys: Best In Show

The Daytime Emmys have finally arrived! Our mood is hovering between "completely dreading the ways in which the Emmy voters give us the finger" and "perversely excited about the cheese, I mean, COME ON".

We wrap up our Emmy coverage with a look at the shows nominated for Outstanding Daytime Drama, nominations that are...surprising.

ALL MY CHILDREN: A dark and stormy night found all of Pine Valley wanting to enact revenge on Adam Chandler. Adam had blackmailed Krystal over her secret child. His iffy business practices resulted in the death of Zach and Kendall's child. Each of the people whose lives he'd destroyed descended upon the Chandler mansion. In the end, Adam was shot and killed, but who pulled the trigger?

THE BOLD & THE BEAUTIFUL:  Ann Douglas returned to Los Angeles and fell ill. Left alone with her mother, Pam was forced to decide whether to let her mother die or disobey her orders and call the paramedics for assistance. Pam called the medics and later grappled with her decision. Stephanie and Pam fought with the doctor to allow their mother to die, but their pleas were rejected. Later, Pam and Stephanie were able to check their mother out of the hospital and they took her to the beach, where she died peacefully.

GENERAL HOSPITAL: The festive atmosphere of the summer carnival was destroyed when a car plowed through the event, leaving carnage in its wake. Several Port Charles residents were critically injured and others were missing and presumed dead. Elsewhere, a mob of gunmen opened fire on Spinelli and Johnny. Though Spinelli escaped unscathed, Johnny was critically wounded and the 9-1-1 operators were not responding.

THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS: The miracles of life and the tragedies of death were apparent in Genoa City. As Ashley celebrated the birth of her baby, Sharon was left to mourn the loss of another child. Elsewhere, Colleen Carlton's loved ones mourned her death, but agreed to donate her heart in order to save Victor Newman's life. Colleen was wheeled towards the operating room as her loved ones gathered for a final farewell. In the same hospital corridor, Victor was wheeled towards the operating room and a new lease on life.

The Young and the Restless loses our vote for choosing to save Victor Newman, there's no way we'd ever support a General Hospital win just because they were savvy enough to submit an episode that wasn't a totally horrific disaster, and if we could set fire to All My Children, we would, so we're left rooting for The Bold and the Beautiful to take it all.

poll by twiigs.com

poll by twiigs.com

The show airs tonight at 9 PM on CBS. Stop back here a bit before then for the start of the Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza as we try to gear ourselves up for the fuckery that will occur over those two hours. Which doesn't sound like a great advertisement, but we'll do it in a totally hilarious way.

Countdown to the Emmys: The Emmy SNUB Edition

It is impossible to have an awards show (or even an awards blog post at the end of the year, if reaction to some of our Best and Worst lists is anything to go by) of any kind where everyone is in agreement that all of the nominees, across the board, were deserving. Instead, it's become a time honored tradition to loudly rail against the Daytime Emmys (and the Oscars, and the primetime Emmys, and the Golden Globes and insert the name of another awards show here, except not the Grammys because nobody cares about the Grammys) for failing to recognize certain performers, and OMFG are the 2010 Daytime Emmys no exception.

Many actors and actresses who deserve, really, to win the whole shebang aren't even in contention. Like, say, our pick for the biggest and most ridiculous snub: David Canary, who completely carried All My Children in 2009, turning in heartbreaking work in stories that did not deserve that level of talent. Really, watching Adam mourn Stuart should have led people to just engrave the damn Emmy with his name on it then and there, and then it turns out that he's not even nominated?! Sometimes, all you can do is italicize exclamation points to convey your horror: !!!!!!!

But he's not the only major snub. Which do you think is the biggest? And, of course, if your pick isn't listed here, make it known in the comments.

poll by twiigs.com

General Hospital may have been the most nominated soap this year (which...egads. E-fucking-gads), but there were some notable GH omissions.

poll by twiigs.com

Countdown to the Emmys Day 6: Outstanding Lead Actress

Our look at the nominees hoping to walk away with one of 2010's Daytime Emmys concludes with the lovely ladies up for Outstanding Lead Actress (missed any of the previous categories? Click here for Younger Actor, Younger Actress, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress and Lead Actor).

Rather than judging them on their acting (because why do something Emmy voters don't bother to do?), we'll once again be looking at the episodes they submitted to see just how much Emmy bait they managed to pack in and then opening the floor to you: who will win, and who should win. And, as you know, our official Emmy bait criteria consists of:

• Alcohol/alcoholic/drunk/liquor
• Anger/angry/furious/fury/rage
• Arrest
• Betrayal
• Breaks down/tailspin
• Burial/cemetery/funeral/morgue
• Collapsed
• Confronts/blasts/rips into/tears into, etc.
• Crush/crushed/sad/heartbroken
• Dead/death/dying
• Emotional
• Goodbye
• Hospital
• Illness--mental illness, cancer, coma, miscarriage, shot, injured, etc.
• Intervention
• Kills/killed/killer
• Pain
• Stun/stuns/stunned
• Tear/tears/tearfully
• Tirade

How did these ladies fare? Let's see.

Sarah Brown, General Hospital: Hospitalized after a car accident, Claudia watched as her unborn child's heartbeat slowed. Sonny arrived shortly before the baby's heart stopped. Claudia admitted that she hadn't thought she'd ever be able to love anything, let alone a child. Later, Claudia made Johnny promise that he'd find whoever caused her baby to die and make that person pay. A doctor arrived shortly thereafter and told Claudia that they were ready to perform a D&C.

Score: 2

Emmy Fun Fact: if Sarah Brown wins this award, she'll be the first to win an Emmy in all three acting categories.

Countdown to the Emmys Day 5: Outstanding Lead Actor

The nominees for Outstanding Lead Actor came prepared: Peter Bergman brought his dreaminess. Doug Davidson, his index finger of fury. Jon Lindstrom came equipped with good will from people who have enjoyed him on numerous soaps. Michael Park has all sorts of positive attributes, we're assuming, while James Scott brought a face we can only describe as "really, really, ridiculously good-looking".

But did they bring the things that Emmy voters hold dear? Things like:

• Alcohol/alcoholic/drunk/liquor
• Anger/angry/furious/fury/rage
• Arrest
• Betrayal
• Breaks down/tailspin
• Burial/cemetery/funeral/morgue
• Collapsed
• Confronts/blasts/rips into/tears into, etc.
• Crush/crushed/sad/heartbroken
• Dead/death/dying
• Emotional
• Goodbye
• Hospital
• Illness--mental illness, cancer, coma, miscarriage, shot, injured, etc.
• Intervention
• Kills/killed/killer
• Pain
• Stun/stuns/stunned
• Tear/tears/tearfully
• Tirade

We're going to analyze their submitted episodes to see how much Emmy bait they managed to pack in. And then? Vote for who you think should win and will win and curse the world, either silently or aloud, that David Canary was not nominated because seriously, what the hell is that all about?! But we're getting ahead of ourselves--Emmy snubs will soon be addressed with the caps lock of FURY, don't you worry. First, our nominees...

Peter Bergman, The Young and the Restless: Jack tried to figure out what was next the morning after having found out that Sharon slept with Billy. Jack convinced Sharon to stay with him, even if the baby was not his. Later, Jack confronted his brother, Billy, about his betrayal.

Score: 2...and lots of hearts.

Doug Davidson, The Young and the Restless: Paul blasted Victor as the reason that his mild-mannered sister, Patty, had become a monster. Victor insisted that he had no part in Patty's transformation, but Paul refused to believe him. Later, Paul was stunned when Jack informed him that Patty had been kidnapped.

Score: 2

EDITOR'S NOTE: Paul would be distraught to learn that this episode description only garnered him a two! Distraught!

When will that stop being the best thing to ever happen to television? Never, right?

I Made A Wrong Turn Somewhere

"What did you do last night, Mallory?" somebody could hypothetically ask me tomorrow. "Oh," I will say, "I wrote about General Hospital and how Sam talked to Jason in prison and tried to initiate phone sex". "Your parents must be proud," they will say awkwardly. "This is what my life has become," I will acknowledge sadly. They will then look at me askance a moment longer before fleeing.

It says a lot about this show that when they shoot for light-hearted and zany, the end result is scenes that have me afraid that I'm going to end up on an FBI watch list of some sort.

Sam: Hello?
Jason: Hey, it's me. 
Sam: Hey! Guess where I am right now? I'll give you a hint...there are bubbles.

Jason: Uh, are you in a hot tub?

This part was legitimately amusing, thanks to the consternation visible on the inmate waiting in line behind Jason.

My thoughts exactly, Inmate.