I hope you guys are sitting down, because what I am about to say will surprise you you, and I would feel really guilty if you read this while standing and then fell down from shock and hurt yourself: All My Children this week has given us several seriously entertaining moments.
While I am bossing you all around, let's take a moment (you can sit or stand, I have no preference) to reflect upon how sad it is that finding a handful of interesting moments on this show is so rare that it calls for celebration.
It's true, though: if you slog through the majority of the show, which continues to be more boring than...I am drawing a blank on something of comparative dullness. It's possible that there is nothing else quite so yawn-worthy (except, maybe--and it's totally sad that this is the first thing I think of when I think of "really boring", like even before I think of televised bowling--the early chapter in all of The Babysitters Club books where Ann M. Martin's ghostwriter feels the need to recap the history of the BSC and the personalities of all of the members, as if we're jumping in blind with #62 and have no idea that Kristy is a tomboy). Whatever--if you look past most of the show, there are some gems.
Like, say, Annie and Marissa's catfight. That's probably not the best way to describe their scenes, since it implies that they were equal participants in the fight. What really happened was that Annie was a bitch on wheels and hit Marissa where it hurts, and Marissa lamely responded with things like, "You're a bad person". The two of them are in completely different hemispheres when it comes to verbal sparring, and Annie is well aware of it.
Annie: The real person to blame for JR sleeping with me is you. If you weren't such a boring little mouse, JR would have never had sex with me. I can understand why you feel threatened: pink flannel wife, or hot, sexy and exciting.
Marissa: What is so exciting about you? The way you lie and cheat? Is it sexy to be with a woman who murders, or who kidnaps her own child? Yeah, sex with a crazy person might be kind of fun, but in the end, that's all it is: sex. Just ask Adam, he left you for a better woman the first chance he got and Scott's going to do the exact same thing as soon as he realizes that you'll just bring him down.
Annie: That won't happen. And don't underestimate sex! People can talk about wanting to marry their best friend. Well, if that best friend isn't good in the sack, there's no chance at wedded bliss. I should know, it happened with Adam. The second he stopped sleeping with me, I knew we were done.
Marissa: Oh, so you slept with my husband to save your marriage?
Annie: And you're not sleeping with him to save yours? Tell me, how's that working out for you?
Marissa: Stay out of our marriage!
Annie: You're the one who's playing games here. What you're doing to JR, withholding sex from him until he can prove something to you? Prove that he's a loyal, faithful, obedient husband? Prove that he's worthy of your extra special pink flannel love? He's not a dog! He's a man, he's a sexy, passionate, amazing man, so you know what? Continue carpooling to all of your playdates, but you will never be a match for him.
Calling Marissa a "pink flannel wife" is so amazingly spot-on. I am crazy jealous that I didn't coin that phrase first. You bested me this time, AMC writers.