Decent Bits and Pieces
I hope you guys are sitting down, because what I am about to say will surprise you you, and I would feel really guilty if you read this while standing and then fell down from shock and hurt yourself: All My Children this week has given us several seriously entertaining moments.
While I am bossing you all around, let's take a moment (you can sit or stand, I have no preference) to reflect upon how sad it is that finding a handful of interesting moments on this show is so rare that it calls for celebration.
It's true, though: if you slog through the majority of the show, which continues to be more boring than...I am drawing a blank on something of comparative dullness. It's possible that there is nothing else quite so yawn-worthy (except, maybe--and it's totally sad that this is the first thing I think of when I think of "really boring", like even before I think of televised bowling--the early chapter in all of The Babysitters Club books where Ann M. Martin's ghostwriter feels the need to recap the history of the BSC and the personalities of all of the members, as if we're jumping in blind with #62 and have no idea that Kristy is a tomboy). Whatever--if you look past most of the show, there are some gems.
Like, say, Annie and Marissa's catfight. That's probably not the best way to describe their scenes, since it implies that they were equal participants in the fight. What really happened was that Annie was a bitch on wheels and hit Marissa where it hurts, and Marissa lamely responded with things like, "You're a bad person". The two of them are in completely different hemispheres when it comes to verbal sparring, and Annie is well aware of it.
Annie: The real person to blame for JR sleeping with me is you. If you weren't such a boring little mouse, JR would have never had sex with me. I can understand why you feel threatened: pink flannel wife, or hot, sexy and exciting.
Marissa: What is so exciting about you? The way you lie and cheat? Is it sexy to be with a woman who murders, or who kidnaps her own child? Yeah, sex with a crazy person might be kind of fun, but in the end, that's all it is: sex. Just ask Adam, he left you for a better woman the first chance he got and Scott's going to do the exact same thing as soon as he realizes that you'll just bring him down.
Annie: That won't happen. And don't underestimate sex! People can talk about wanting to marry their best friend. Well, if that best friend isn't good in the sack, there's no chance at wedded bliss. I should know, it happened with Adam. The second he stopped sleeping with me, I knew we were done.
Marissa: Oh, so you slept with my husband to save your marriage?
Annie: And you're not sleeping with him to save yours? Tell me, how's that working out for you?
Marissa: Stay out of our marriage!
Annie: You're the one who's playing games here. What you're doing to JR, withholding sex from him until he can prove something to you? Prove that he's a loyal, faithful, obedient husband? Prove that he's worthy of your extra special pink flannel love? He's not a dog! He's a man, he's a sexy, passionate, amazing man, so you know what? Continue carpooling to all of your playdates, but you will never be a match for him.
Calling Marissa a "pink flannel wife" is so amazingly spot-on. I am crazy jealous that I didn't coin that phrase first. You bested me this time, AMC writers.
As much as she tries to pretend that she and Annie are on equal ground here, Marissa started second-guessing herself after hearing Annie's (accurate) assessment of her and went on shopping to find some sexy clothes to wear for JR. Even Krystal, who is a moron, pointed out the flaws in this idea, but Marissa forged ahead and led us to the most unintentionally hilarious/deeply sad scene in quite some time, where Marissa put on a dress she obviously purchased at Cache (known in some circles as "The Cougar Store") and vamped in the mirror. I CRINGED SO HARD. It was so embarrassing to watch a (seriously lovely) girl try so hard to be sexy and to fail so...so much (I know what I speak of here--I was once told that I'm cute, not hot. And the "not" was delivered so witheringly that it may well have been italicized here. Ohmigod, did I just admit to relating to Marissa?! What does it say about a person if they can relate to a robot??).
But the hilarity came later, when AJ burst in and was HORRIFIED by Marissa's get up. Seriously, it was like he was in a horror movie.
AJ: Mommy? What are you doing? I'M SCARED.
I could not stop laughing.
And then, proving Annie's point, she took her heavy makeup off and changed into a velour tracksuit. Oh, Marissa. How woefully boring and behind the times you are.
I'm not going to pretend that I have any interest in Erica and Caleb's antagonistic...for now relationship, or the revelation that Caleb is a Cooney, or the particulars of Palmer's will (many of which did not seem to make any sense. Damn you, writers, for making it seem like Palmer had terrible ideas!), but I once again laughed out loud during today's episode:
Erica: Jack has great taste.
Caleb: And perfect hair.
Erica: Yeah, he actually showers. He takes care of himself.
I loved the perfect hair retort. And then!
Caleb: Who is THAT?
Erica: That is my gay, married daughter.
Guffaw! Not literally, it was actually more of a chuckle, but still: Haaaa!
Vincent Irizarry and Rebecca Budig continue to exhibit off the charts chemistry and if the writers would just write David and Greenlee true to character, and let them have a real love story, it would seriously be one of AMC's best romances in years. Years! Because when the two of them are in a scene together, you can't help but sit up and take notice. They're so good and they're so compelling, and it's so like AMC that this...is going to happen.
You know who has been waiting for that, Melodramatic ABC Announcer? SATAN. SATAN and NO ONE ELSE because NO ONE ELSE is so DEPRAVED that they would wish for something so GROSS and HORRIBLE and VOM.